First thing - block her email address. Your WH shouldn't be getting any emails at all.

Secondly, your WH needs to confess to others (friends, family) so he has others to hold him accountable. I might contact OW's family to hopefully get someone to talk some sense into her on her end.

Thirdly, you should not see this woman at all. If your kids are in sports together, find somewhere else for them to play. If you can move, then move.

It has been 3 weeks yesterday since D-Day. I am still going through so many feelings...I hope someoone has a bit of advice for me on this one...

There is one feeling that I could really use some help with...I am trying so hard not to hate the OW. I know that is not a productive feeling to have and i am truly trying to focus on making our marriage what is should be...WS is doing good right now. I am still monitoring everything he does, cell phone, e-mail, etc. and counseling is going well, we have an appointment later today.

Sometimes I feel like we can make this work, but then I start thinking about why we are going through such emotional turmoil, and then the thought that I hate the OW pops into my mind. Like I said, I know this is not a productive feeling. Hatred is not an emotion that is a part of me, it is not who I am. In fact, I would be hard presed to even think of someone in this world that I hate.

How do I refocus this into something positive? Or should I even bother...and just let the feeling be?

Thanks,
intears

Don't bother...hating the person who tore your life apart and emotionally raped you is completely normal. If you DIDN'T hate her, I would be more worried.

Eventually that will fade to ambivalence...you will not care anymore. But for now, it's absolutely normal. You are very early in this process, I am sorry to say.

I am sorry you are here...stick around and you will get a lot of support.

(((intears)))

Like you i had those feeligs to,i kept reading and understanding why afairs happen that seems to work for me and i decided to give up the energy i used for haterid and apply it to solving my issues aswell as my wifes.
Monitoring e-mails ,phone,etc uses energy and time and will disstract you from more important things ,it will also drive you nuts.
good luck

burro,

Checking up on a wayward is recommended here on MB.

If nothing else it helps a newly betrayed spouse feel more secure and tells you if NC is still in place.

When you have been in recovery for awhile, you don't need to check as much, but I think most of the BS's here still check up occasionally. I do.

Best wishes for your recovery.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

intears,

It is completely normal to dislike the ow. Hate even. You will get better as time goes by and you get further along in recovery.

I understand. There was no one I ever hated before ow. It is hard, but you will get thru it.

{{intears}}
Welcome. We've been there and we'll help you. It is normal to feel hatred for the OW. Understand that an outsider to your M has violated your life in the worst possible way. You are a VICTIM. That hatred will probably diminish as you process the A. Expect to feel some anger/rage toward your WH if you haven't yet. It may get worse before it gets better - that's normal. As a matter of fact, it may get worse, then better, then worse, then better...that's called the rollercoaster. Expect it. Don't be afraid of your feelings. They are there to help you.
It is normal to monitor and snoop. Keep doing so - it will help rebuild your trust in your WH.
Read everything on this site and listen to the vets on here. You'll get all the help and tools you need to get through this terrible time.

Thank you. I appreciate the support and hugs.

I keep finding intersting informaiotn on the site and will keep checking in with questions...

intears

intears, there is nothing wrong in you to have such emotions, do not worry. And it is normal and absolutely necessary to check and verify long after D-Day. False recoveries are quite common here.

I know I have only posted here a couple of times (but I do read), I am the woman whose husband had an affair after nearly 21 years and during the affair the OW and he had developed a plan for a polygamous marriage, which, after coming here, I learned is not all that unusual for a WS to come up with some kind of swinging or "open marriage" type of plan.

Now, we seem to be doing okay, he did have a short period where he broke no contact via texting for 2 weeks, yet during that time, I *knew* something was up, but couldn't quite catch it if you know what I mean...that was in January. Now we have been 2 months with no contact, counseling is going well. We are working on issues that had been present in our marring before the affair.

I hope that I'm not sticking my foot in my mouth when I say that. I am still so unsure of myself and what I am seeing in our relationship. I hope that one day I will begin to feel confident again. He swears he is having no contact, that he is in love with me and only me and that he wants us to continue to work together to strengthen our marriage�I tend to believe him, but I am definitely not sticking my head in the sand...

My question has to do with the OW�how long does she typically hang on??? I mean in a simplified version, there are people having affairs all over the world, and BS finding out, then there is either reconciliation or not and when there is reconciliation, the OP goes away at some point, right? (like I said, VERY simplified version).

For us, it has been 5 months and she is still hanging on. She no longer texts, calls or e-mails my husband, however, she is e-mailing me�through my work account, which our server there does not have the capability to block her e-mails (I checked with my IT person). These e-mails to me are a constant reminder of her, the affair and all that goes with it�how she believes she is married to my husband because they had sex (apparently, I�ve learned, there are some polygamous Christian groups out there that are proponents of this)�and now the e-mails are turning into love letters to me! How she is attracted to both male and female, how much she loves me and on and on�and the flowers being sent to my office (huge bouquets)!

I never respond to the e-mails, in speaking with our counselor, we had decided that was best, however, after our most recent session, I decided that after the next e-mail arrives, I will send her a very specific cease and desist e-mail letting her know I will be seeking legal consult to obtain a restraining order.

In my heart, I just want o reply F* off you crazy B**! But I think that would only escalate things.

Anyone here have experience with this type of behavior form the OW or can you point me in the right direction for support? How long does the OP generally hold out? I feel like I am in some weird stalker movie!

It feels so good just sharing this with someone else!

Thanks,
intears

Absolutely! She is mentally ill so I would get a restraining order against her.

That's what I'm thinking! It's hard because she and I were becomoing friends before all of this, but I had no clue she was so off balance!

If you're using Outlook, you can create your own rule to automatically trap and delete those messages.

Find a more competent IT person, blocking junk emails and spam is huge business, easy and should be part of any work environment.

If you have Outlook, right click the message. A menu box will appear. Scroll down to Junk Email and choose Add Sender to Blocked Senders List.

I do it all the time for stuff our firewall doesn't catch.

And this chick is nuttier than squirrel poo. I'd file for the RO like, yesterday!

They can hang on for a long, long, LONG time...years, even. 5 months isn't that long in bunny-boiler OW's timeframes, unfortunately.

The good news is the longer they hang on, the crazier they look to the FWS (your H may begin to feel worse and worse for what he has done while she is showing her "true colors"...that is a good time for you to be able to comfort HIM which is very healing in recovery).

While stuff like this is annoying, it can work to your advantage as your FWH cringes more and more at what he got involved with, and YOU end up looking more and more like the gem that you are!

Not saying this to scare you but a big YES on that RO. Make sure you are saving all of the emails/receipts/pictures of the flowers, etc.

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback...and I completely agree that she is crazy and have been saving all the e-mails, took pics of the flowers, etc. The RO is only a step away...

I sooooo just want her to go away. Just leave us alone, each time she contacts me, I feel as if it is two steps forward, one step back. At least as far as my healing is concerned. My next big step is learning how to focus and not let her pull my attention away from our healing process...

I was hoping though, that someone might say, oh yes...the OW usually goes away and starts her own path of healing within a few months of realizing that it is over. But I knew in my heart the answers I would find...just grasping at straws...crazy I know!

Maybe you can get the RO for both you and your H because if you put the RO on you alone she might go back to stalking him. That will kill 2 birds with 1 stone (and save a bunny)

save a bunny.... haha

yes, I am looking at putting all 5 of us there, she has also showed up uninvited to my oldest son's sports games... that one actually scared me a bit (understatement of the year there)...

Have you considered paying an attorney to act as your counsel to write a cease & desist order and threatening legal action if she doesn't comply? That might alarm her enough to make her back off.

But be ready to go forward with the RO if she doesn't.

My only question is what are you waiting for??? Need to get this done today. She is unstable...truly.