There seems to be a fair amount of posters who, like me, are persuing personal recovery rather than marital recovery. If I think about it, it may seem strange to an outsider that we spend so much time on a BB devoted to marriage building. Clearly there's something here that we need or we wouldn't keep coming back. We have been deeply scarred by our WS's adultery and nowhere but a place that discusses this in depth is going to have the answers we're looking for.

There are also a number in Plan B sitting on the fence about whether to jump to Plan D or not. I believe they are facing many of the same issues.

So I'd like to devote a thread to us - the BS's who are NOT recovering their marriages and the issues we face. I don't want to put this in the Divorced forum as I'd like to focus more on healing from adultery rather than the divorce process itself. I'll start with some of the issues I still have.

It's been roughly 2 1/2 years since WXH moved out. I've done a variety of things to remove traces of him from my life. I've eliminated all but essential contact with him. I moved (twice actually) and am gradually replacing furniture, decorations and anything that resembles my former life with him. I have a reasonably good circle of friends, though being a woman north of 40 I never was able to connect with anyone who is available at the drop of a hat to do anything. I still struggle with memories a lot. So much of my life was spent with him that it's impossible to forget. And I can also be defensive of those memories - he took everything else why should he take those too kind of thinking. I haven't resolved this yet.

I also have a simmering pot of anger brewing constantly. I seem to have excellent control over it as I haven't boiled over on anyone (yet), but I know it's there. It's still causing damage. I read here almost every day and try to help where I can but there are soem threads that I can't open or if I do that pot of anger starts to rise. Mostly I don't post to those threads but when I do it's pure venom. I identify closely and am almost envious of other posters who express anger so elequently (Krazy and Pariah come to mind).

My day to day life IRL is pretty good. It's more the underlying issues in my head. I feel like I still have lots to do. The occassional communication with WXH that I can't avoid virtually always aggrivates these feelings. Each time I think - this will be the last issue I'll have to deal with him about, but it never is. We're currently awaiting small claims court trial. It will likely take place in the new year. Who knows what the next thing will be. When they said marriage was for life, they didn't mention that even in divorce you're stuck fighting with your spouse for life.

So what about the rest of you? What issues are you stuck on? How do you cope with them?

A couple of things, Tabby. First, I feel the confusion about why I, who most people like and who was never a huge grudge holder, have the nagging desire to pay my WS back. It's hard to reconcile my self image, with this person that is so pissed about this. I envy those who can just let it go and who do not, on some level, view it as a personal attack or reflection of their own deficiencies. It absolutely galls me that my XWW blames me for all this and that she made out better in the divorce than me, when she was the one cheating.
Second, I am just not sure, at all, that I will ever trust a woman again. And, I like trusting people. Seems too exhausting to always have to be on guard.
And, I beat myself up some over not having seen it happening or coming.
In my good moments, which are increasing in frequency, I can see that i am more self reliant and I realize just how strong I am to have survived this twice. Iam free to do as I please, most of the time and to associate with those i like.
I am way more empathetic to others, too and way less judgemental of others.

I've been in a dark PB for a little over 3 months. My WH is making no moves to do anything that I know of. He and OW still work together. I am well on my way to a personal R. I'm in fact doing extremely well. Outside of loosing a very close friend to cancer last week, I'm progressing at a steady pace. That was a hard blow and it set me back a bit. The grief and anger from that loss intermingled with the grief and loss of my M and H. It was overwhelming. But once I was able to attend the services and grieve with her family and friends I was able to separate the two. I don't think I've properly grieved the (possible/probable) loss of my M. The thoughts of him are always at the forefront of my mind but most of the time I'm able to keep things at a very low simmer. I am angry, very angry. I don't know what is going to come of that....I'm very hurt as well which is a given....

My plan is to just keep on keeping on and work on me and take one day at a time. I'm praying for a miracle but I'm also being realistic about the whole thing. Someone said that I may very well outgrow him and I know that is a possibility.

I'm pretty happy right now. My DD and I are good. I've been working on my parenting skills too and that is going well. My IC is very proud of me. She said so just last night I'm also focusing on my relationship with Christ and that is where my strength comes from. No doubt about that. I'm just trying to follow his lead.

Hi Tabby,

I'm really doing well, considering the total soap opera my life has been over the last year. I go very long periods of time and never even think about the xWW.

I think part of the reason is that we had become so detached before the D.

I will post more on this later - Tabby, you started this thread for me, didn't you?


Oh, you are so right about this. This is the worst of my constantly present anger. I found out long after the fact that for *years*, XWH never talked about me in the workplace *at all*. It was like I didn't even exist. So, the tramps and sluts that he hired to work for him (just like David Letterman did) felt free to assume that I must be a colossal and horrible b*tch and were therefore justified in dating him.

I know that everybody at work blames me. Why not? They didn't know me, except through him, because *even when I worked at the same corporation* they only knew me through him. So what impression do you think they got? He never spoke of me. He never acknowledged my existence if he possibly could. He wanted the girls to know he was fully available and it's hard to do that if you're chatting to them about your wife.

Of course, his family blames me because blood is thicker than sh*t. They're part of the "whatever makes you happy" crowd. Good thing shooting up heroin or embezzling from his employer didn't make him happy. I guess they would have been fine with that, too.

Yes, it really does enrage me that I am blamed, both for the reasons above and because for some reason people just automatically assume that if your spouse cheats on you, YOU caused it and YOU deserved it. That's why I do not hesitate to tell people the truth about this stuff and what happened to me. Maybe at least a few eyes will be opened.


Ha! Let us girls know where there's a MAN we can trust!
Mulan

My heart goes out to you tabby. My fwxw says, "You never opened up emotionally to me!" Ya think?!! That A about sums up the reason why. Although we had good times over the years, I never opened myself up to her too much emotionally. In then end, that saved my a$$. I can see how things might have been differenct had I allowed myself to be hurt more. I think that is the trick. No matter what, other than your kids, just dont give too big a [censored] about. It is the greatest shield from waywards/crazy family members!! I realize a lot of people on here are much more hurt than me emotionally/finacially. I'll try and keep that in mind when I make jokes about the whole wayward mindset. It is so stupid its hard not to laugh if it didn't hurt people so badly...So, those BS that are abandoned and in Plan B/D, I pray you receive the IR you so desperately desire.

BTW - Does the fact that some WS get abandoned/dumped, give you any sympathy towards them at all? Knowing the pain of having you spouse walk? I'm just curious...DUDE

BS dumped by WS = Selfishness and Cruelty

WS dumped by BS = Justice.
Mulan

Well I guess I've been abandoned.....and not even for the OW necessarily. She never left her BH. But I suppose they're still having their disgusting A. I have no idea and I don't concern myself with that anymore. I've finally accepted the fact that I can't control nor change him. He's on a path of destruction as far as I'm concerned and I'm just glad I'm no longer on that bus.

Tabby,

Thanks for starting this thread. Lately I have been having a VERY hard time. I've been D'd over 2 years now, but still come here to read posts because the people here have been through it.

It is so hard to talk to my friends etc., who never had adultery affect them. So many times in the last few weeks I've heard...GET OVER IT! IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS NOW!!!! MOVE ON! GET A LIFE!

Sorry, but for some reason it's not getting easier for me.

I'm still in IC. Helps to talk, but I have ALOT of anger and want revenge.

ExH was the one that cheated, tossed me aside, now he M'd the OW, they have a new baby and are living very well from what I hear. He just bought another new car!

He totally has moved on, why can't I?

That hurts to know that 20+ years with him meant nothing if he has moved on so fast.

Me, I am struggling. Trying to do the best I can for my kids. Am jealous that ExH has someone to be there for him when he gets home from work everyday, someone to vent to etc. Jealous he has $$, jealous that the OW got the H and life that I should have had.

I've been out on a few dates, but no one interested me. I was with ExH over 20 yrs., so I guess I still compare the dates to him. Big mistake I know, just can't help it.

His friends stayed his friends. I guess they have no problem associating with a cheater. Blows my mind that he is still VERY well respected at work and no one cares that he left his wife and kids for a M'd woman 17 yrs. younger!

Yeah I'm bitter, yeah I want him to pay, I want his "affairage" to end, I want the happiness he has. It's not fair that he was the one that cheated and now he has it all. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, I am having a hard time financially and emotionally, and he's living the life of Riley! We could have been extremely comfortable money wise, had he not left, and I was willing to work on the M, now I count every penny I have and I'm alone.

I just can't get it out of my head that life has changed, it's not the way it was, never will be again, and I have to deal with it. I never wanted a D, wanted to live with my H till the end. Now OW gets to.

I know I sound like a super spoiled brat, but you asked what issues I'm stuck on and having a hard time with and there they are...

A very nice way of looking at it. Yes, it is nice to be away from a messed up idiot.

Catgirl, actually, you sound very healthy and normal to me. I have a hard time believing those folks that get dumped like this who claim they are not hurting.
2 years is not that long and anyone would be affected by the injustice of this. You are honest enough to admit feelings that i think many are too proud to admit to.
In time, you may come to see that having someone that would do this out of your life is a gift. I know, right now, with all the financial issues couled withthe pain, it maynot seem that this is possible.
I am 3.5 years out and, when I am lucid(or at least my version of lucid), I can see i wll be better off. I would not want to look back on my life from my deathbed and realize I wpent my life with someone who cared so little for me.
I think God was watching out for me and felt i had wastedenough of my life on this person.

I feel so badly for catgirl and others in the same sitch. If my WH were to end up with OW and begin a new life for himself, well, I'd have a hard time with that myself I'm sure. Right now, he's doing nothing. I filed for a D in June with the intention of letting it sit and it still is. I'd love to R my M but not with my WH the way he is now. He needs an exorcism....

Or, the oft referred to cranial/rectal extraction.

XWH moved out in June 2008 and rammed a divorce down my throat.

The divorce was my punishment for (1)standing up to him about his many girlfriends, and (2) finally withdrawing from him and staying completely away from him, when the antidepressants finally killed enough of the pain for to let me do that.

He never cared how upset I was about his girls as long as I was still around when he wanted me around - that's how Players roll - but he got mad as hell, moved out and filed when it all went silent and I just left him the hell alone.

Go figure.

I often feel that he didn't so much divorce me as much as he fired me. He just fired an insubordinate employee who wouldn't do what the boss ordered. I mean, that's what happens, right?

What am I still struggling with?

LIES.

The lies - including lies of omission by his saying nothing - which allow his family and friends and especially his workplace pals and bosses to fully blame me for the destruction. He's a fun, outgoing, very charming and persuasive guy. Gee, what could he possibly have done wrong? His ex-wife must be a classic b*tch who deserved to get dumped. Yeah, that must be it.

The injustice is an absolute outrage to me. Some wh*re or six is now living the life I thought I was working so hard to build for some 27 years.

And then there is the overwhelming sadness for the man he used to be. I struggle terribly with this whole mess because he really was a wonderful husband and father for a good ten years - before he became a Corporate Big Shot, before his Success and the groupies who always come crawling after any successful man absolutely ruined him on every level - ruined him as a husband, a father, a man and a human being.

It's like he got a hit of crack and overnight threw everything away to became a raving addict. Only it wasn't crack - it was Girls and Attention and endless amounts of Girl Attention.

There are too many good times for me to look back on without being either enraged by the waste and stupidity or overwhelmed with sadness at the loss and the loneliness.

At least I do have the kids around me. Those relationships have only gotten stronger.

The only thing that's better about him being gone is that he is no longer able to torment and punish me for standing up to him. His weapon of choice was a lot of very cruel and very deliberate passive-aggressive behaviour. There should be a special place in hell for people who do this.

I have every symptoms of PTSD now, especially the exaggerate startle reflex and the hyper, hyper, hypervigilance.

He is NEVER, EVER, EVER again going to rub his skanky girlfriends in my face. He did that for years before he moved out. He will NEVER, EVER, EVER do it again.

He will NEVER, EVER, EVER rub his filthy divorce in my face.

I have not seen him or spoken to him at all since he left. I don't know anything about what he does and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. The kids understand this and it works out okay.

It's the only way I can get through the day, is to protect myself fully from his cruelty and selfishness and skanky sluts and filthy divorce that I did not want and did not deserve. Protecting myself and my children from this is all I can do.

So I do. And I come to MB trying to help some other folks if and when I can.

Great topic, tabby. Thank you.
Mulan

He sounds like a classic narcissist, Mulan. They can keep some of the stuff dormant/under wraps for a while. But, I'd bet, if you had the capability of finding out what he was doing that went undetected for the original good 10 years, you'd discover this man was always like this.
HIS WEIRDNESS WOULD HAVE DRIVEN YOU TO AN EARLY GRAVE.

I have been in Plan B for about a year and a half...with lots of anger and hurt. He still sees OW...I am the same in that I want them both to crash and burn, but I dont see that happening anytime soon...

And I get bitter about the fact that, I have no one to share my life with, I lost my best friend and obviously he lost nothing...I now do everything around the house, except he mows the lawn still...but I look around at my friends and they have husbands that love and appreciate them and what they do...

The thing that has been gettin me lately is that to my DS I feel like the bad guy...homework, getting him off to school, cleaning up his toys, tellin him its time for bed, time to come in from playing and take a shower, making healthy meals...while WH picks him up and gets to just have fun with him, eat at mcdonalds, stay up late, go to the store and buy any toy he wants, play video games...Its like one big party when he is with him and I just feel like I am a downer...

Yes I do lots of fun thing with him, but I dont want him eating a lot of junk, I dont want him up all hours of the night and I dont buy him everything he wants, I dont want him playing violent video games, I dont think that is good for a kid...I am the one who makes him eat his veggies, ya know what I mean? and daddy is the great one...I know I am being stupid, but I feel I just dont get appreciation from anybody...I would even just love it if my WH said..You know, you do a great job raisin our DS..Ya, right, that would be the day... Sorry for the rant, I guess i am just bitter...

Mulan,

I totally agree. The lies... ExH to this day has NEVER admitted he had an affair. While we were going through the D, he said they were just friends. Maybe if he apologized or at least acknowledged what he did, it might be a tad easier on me. Who knows?

And yes I'm sure, no I know, he has spun it that OW had no impact at all on our D. I was a b*tch of wife and our M was over a long time ago and then he just "met" her and that was it. (Even though he was living with her while we were still M'd, as he left home to "get his head together". Found out he moved her in 3 weeks after he left here).

I doubt he's admitted to many that he cheated on me. He justifies it by saying our M was over before we got D'd, so it was OK. ExH too is a charmer, well liked and respected at work. (he just got a promotion). So I'm sure not many blame him. There must have been a reason for him to leave me...b*tch of a wife....

And yes Mulan, the hardest part for me as well, is that I worked so hard to build our M for over 20 years and now some ho gets to reap those rewards. THAT is I think the hardest thing I am having to deal with. She got my life!!!

Catgirl

The wonderful thing about kids is eventually they grow up and truly remember what was important growing up. Although your perception is that WS is great person to DS - the reality is one day your DS will see what WS did to the family and will go through an angry phase towards WS. You have been doing Plan B a long time - do you have a timeline - how long do you plan to continue?

Gg

Still,

That is me to a tee as well. ExH is a hero in DS's eyes. He takes him for a few hours a week and is Disneyland Dad. They have a grand old time, while mean mommy makes DS do chores, homework etc.

I too am envious of people, strangers even, in the grocery store that I see shopping with their husbands etc. Envious of families when me and my kids go out to a park or whatever, seeing mom and dad and kids and knowing that it's only mom and kids here. Very hard to see a "happy family" somewhere and know that could have been us had ExH not cheated. I imagine it's hard for the kids to see that as well.

I too would like someone to pat me on the back once in awhile and appreciate what I do and say that I'm doing a good job with the kids or that I look good or whatever.

I do everything around the house, ExH doesn't help me with anything. I mean he has his own family now I really can't expect him too, but he knew we were having plumbing problems recently, ya think he could have offered to help. I mean if he hates me, that's fine, but his kids stil live in the house.

Oh it's so unfair...

Cat

gg615,

My IC tells me the same thing, that the kids will see what their father did to the family and realize it was me who was there for them.

As I said, DS still treats ExH as a hero, even though he knows he cheated etc. DD wants nothing to do with ExH, but she is older. ExH wants nothing to do with her as well as he knows she figured out the A a long time before I even did! She was the one who tipped me off believe it or not!

Cat