Its like the worse they know that they treated us, the worse they keep on treating us... like.. they have to know how bad they are acting but there is no turning back now, so it just keeps goin more and more downhill...

Mulan,

As the parent of an addict, you are so, so right. DD just drifted through life in a drug high. Half the time I don't even think she knew where she was or even cared. Life is definitely a lot harder for her now which is why I am doubtful that she will make it long term. Waywards are the same - it's easier to continue on the path than do the hard work to change things.

VST - You described my M too. I think you described a lot of marriages. Kids, work, bills, etc. tend to allow both to get into an auto pilot state of being and each just takes the other for granted. I know that I am guilty of that. But I also didn't know how to have a great marriage until it ended and I found MB. I found it too late in the game.

How do we let go? I don't know. Sometimes I think that an apology or some display of remorse will set me free, but I don't know.

It was a vicious circle.......

Yes. A little something more than "I'm sorry you got hurt".

You, know...very shortly after Dday I got a beautiful apology letter from WH. Taking full responsibilty for everything, it did help a little at the time...but after that I never saw any sign of that remorseful WH again...

So, Chai, i do think you are right about it being to hard to do the right thing...They would not be able to carry on with affair, that is why a lot of them probably, dont see their kids or families, they know they acted like jerks and they just dont want to face the truth...is easier to keep going the way they are, no work has to be done that way...

Just like drug addicts, they have no drug problem....because if they admit that they do, they have to do the work to fix it....

Just like my WH loves to tell everyone that he doesnt even see OW anymore, but he always gets caught with her....

I guess the point here, especially for any still-married BS, is this:

Divorce will not solve your problems. Divorce will not make you happy. The best it can do is stop an emotionally abusive WS from rubbing an affair in your face every day, and that's worth something. But Divorce will not make the affair go away.

Even with Divorce and an XWS that you never see or hear from (as in my case), there is still a very long haul ahead of you and you will still have tremendous pain and resentment and loneliness and loss. And in most cases you have to be prepared for the fact that most people will blame YOU for the breakup, even if they know full well the WS was cheating. They'll just assume poor poor WS had a good reason and you must have deserved to be cheated on and divorced.

Be prepared.

Divorce is pretty much the only answer in some cases, but you must be prepared for what it will bring - which isn't much, as far as making you feel better.

It's like Buckaroo Banzai said: "Wherever you go, there you are." And that is true for the WS/XWS as well.

Mulan
P.S. Extra points if you know who Buckaroo Banzai is.

Or at least a little something more than "I'm sorry I got caught."

Isn't that the truth? My problems multiplied as did my unhappiness.

I'm sure waywards see it differently.

Great thread, Tabby! But I often find you talk a lot of sense!


I agree with so much of what people have said especially the bit about lies. But I don't think we should hope/expect/believe that an apology will help us in any way towards personal recovery. IMO, if you do then you are still allowing the WS to hold the key to your life. It's normal for two people who are married to both hold to a large extent the key to the other's happiness but when your spouse betrays you through infidelity and you make the decision to break from him/her then you should take that key back just as you would the key to the house. In so far as is possible then the WS should have no impact on your life.
My WH has never shown any remorse or regret and I've come around to the idea that he never will but now I don't care. That's his problem. I tell myself that the only life worth living is one lived honestly with your head held high. He can't do that and I refuse to be dragged in any way into his scummy life or to seek his imprimatur on any aspect of my life. Minimum contact is great for me even if it's not always easy because of the children.
I think people should try to not know what's going on in the WS's life. I know it's tempting but I think I would ask family and friends to stop talking about him/her, to stop giving you 'news' (I say this just after a long chat about WH with a friend) and cut all direct contact down to the absolute minimum with the shortest possible factual emails.
I also still believe that most people out there are good and kind (and many people on MB have reinforced that belief) and just because this particular man turned out to be intensely selfish and untrustworthy, doesn't mean all others will.

Oh do tell, tully. He's broken out in warts all over his genitals and lost all his hair and teeth?

Yeah, you are right Tully....But it is just easier said than done....

You know sometimes I wonder if the waywards think they will be happier after the D....I am sure they find out it doesnt do it for them either...

Still,

I think absolutely that every wayward believes they will be happier after a D. They think that they will be happier with the OP, but the stats say differently.

There was a link around here at one time to an article called 31 Reasons to End an Affair (not sure where it is anymore) but I remember number 1 was: Your baggage always follows you wherever you go (or something to that effect). It had a great explanation as to why As don't solve your problems.

If anyone remembers it, can you post the link?

Found it! (Gotta love Google...)

http://canvaschurch.net/resources/31_reasons.pdf

Thanks Tully! I guess that means the filter between my head and my mouth (or in this case my finger) is working!

I like this analogy and maybe this is a lot of what my problem is. With each incidence in which I have to deal with WXH, I feel more and more "annoyed". That's not the right word, but I'm not sure how else to express it. But each new issue represents another little hold he's got on that "key". I've got to get it back somehow.

Sometimes it's not enough to just take back the key. Sometimes you gotta change the locks!
Mulan

Tabby,

I so agree with you in that ExH chose this life, he left, he wanted out. I didn't. But now I have to scramble as you say, to get on with my life somehow and he aready has, because it was what he wanted all along!



Cat

Mulan,

DS is in IC and the IC shared something with me last week. She said that they were talking about people in general, and she asked him who his hero was and why. DS said ME!!! And he said it was because I was always there for him.

So yes, there are times I wish DS would see ExH for the POS he is, and for what he did to our family, instead of seeing him as super Dad, but maybe deep inside he knows...

Also I liked your thoughts about the intervention, but I'm not sure if it even applies to ExH. I would imagine the thrill is over of the affair, he married OW and now they have a baby, so how could he still keep getting the "fix"? I think he likes his new life and doesn't even look back at what he left.

Cat

There you go, catgirl. Your DS is one smart boy. And it's exactly as he said: You are always there for him, whether it's having fun or "do your homework". Always means always.

As your ExH: He is still living with his drug, and as long as he focuses on that he can remain blind to the damage he left in his wake. But drugs do wear off, and things may not be as happy there as you think. But surely you don't really want to know!
Mulan