I went for coffee with a fellow from our divorce and separation group. He was telling me he is having difficult time with the separation (1.5 years) as he still loves his wife. She is seeing another man and is currently actively involved in an affair, she stays overnight at his place and tells my coffee partner she thinks she is falling in love with him and is looking for a long term relationship with this guy. She tells him she is confused, and does not know what the future holds.

He wants her back. I tried to explain to him the Marriage Builder principles about plan A and Plan B. He then told me he cannot cut off contact with her as he likes to meet with her once a week where they talk (she misses talking to him) She also tells him about the issues she is having with the fellow as she is now having some insecurities about the relationship with her affair partner. This gives him hope that the affair may soon end. She discusses with him the things they do even including some of his sexual preferences. Apparently after they have had their chat session they end up having sex and he tells her how much he still loves her and wants her back.

So I don�t know what else to tell him other than implementing a plan B but I don�t think he can do it.

I realize I am not an expert here; the guy is really distraught and I would like to try and help him. I tried to tell him to come here for advice but he is basically computer illiterate. I am feeling like I need to find out from the experts here on what to tell him to do. As I don�t know what else to tell him.

Doesn't sound like he really wants help to me. All you can do is warn him that his WW is cake-eating, being with both him and the OM. Also warn him that he is becoming her emotional tampon or male girlfriend and that just because she complains about the OM doesn't mean she'll leave.

All in all though I don't think you can do much-if he can't or won't come to this site, maybe give him a copy of Surviving An Affair? No guarantee he'll read it, even less that he'll follow it's principles, but you'll be able to say you've done what you could.

Apparently he doesn't want help, he wants to be an enabler. No woman wants some dude who plays the doormat in her life. ugh.. He is making huge strategic mistakes if he wants to be more than a prop for her affair.

See, the OM is meeting 1-2 top needs and the BS is meeting 3-4 needs. But she doesn't know that. If the BS left the scene, pressure would be placed on the OM to meet all those needs. And when he didn't, conflict and resentment would set in.

But as it is, she would be crazy to give up having 2 men meet her needs. He is just training her to be an entitled, selfish woman. His best bet of getting her back is to go into Plan B and move on.

Ask him if he thinks college is necessary for a lifelong career - the sacrifice of 4 years vs getting a job with real (albeit small) money right out of high school.

Then ask him if 2 months of sacrifice of not getting to talk to his wife is worth 50 more years with her.

Get him on MB.

What type of plan A has he done?

Whether a good or bad plan A I say it is time for plan B.

"See, the OM is meeting 1-2 top needs and the BS is meeting 3-4 needs. But she doesn't know that. If the BS left the scene, pressure would be placed on the OM to meet all those needs. And when he didn't, conflict and resentment would set in."

Conflict, is needed.

What kind of exposure was done?

Even though the affair is on going for so time, it is never
too late to expose.

How long has he been M'd to his WW?
Any children, joint property involved?

Exposure has been done to friends and family to my understanding, He has told everyone he knows and all who would care to listen. He says there are many who shake their head at what WW is doing. He is broken hearted as his WW has even taken this guy to several events where his grown children have been involved (like a barbecue). According to him she has said she does not care what others think "she is wanting to be happy" (is there a script somewhere?) The affair has apparently gone on since February 2009 from what I understand.


Trying to get him on MB but this guy does not even do email.

He also told me that he left her alone for 3 months and it did not seem to matter to her.

That's one of the reasons he wanted to talk with me after the session is our stories are fairly similar.

He was married over 30 years
All children are over 20 there are 3
Joint property is the house and some investments from what I understand. He just signed the separation papers 2 weeks ago so I guess the property is now divided.

He has tried to move on, but he is still in love with his wife, and she seems to be heading in another direction. From what I understand she is enjoying her time with the OM but he is telling me she is bothered as she is looking for a long term commitment but the OM is being evasive and non committal. I think that is why he is getting his hopes up about getting back together.

I really feel for this guy as he seems so lost and empty. He tells me he just wants his life back and he is nothing without her.

I think he did not have any contact with her for over 4 months. I think it bothered him so they had to have contact over some issue with one of his adult children. He has been in contact ever since.

His question to me was why would she have sex with me if she wasn't thinking about coming back?

(OK I don't have any answers on this one)

It must be very hard to feel discarded like that, after so many years together. Was it a good M, or one where they just "existed" together?

Nevertheless, sometimes we miss when one door is closing that another may be opening to an even greater experience. We spend too much time looking back and hoping we can go back through that old door rather than looking forward to new stuff awaiting our exploration.

I recommend a really good Plan B for your friend at this point, with the intent to move to Plan D as quickly as he can. Who knows - that may wake his WW out of here fantasy. OTOH, there may be a much greater experience awaiting him once he's free from those shackles.

Because she considers herself single, free and available ?

Let him go over to the Divorcebusters.com site.

They believe in long term Plan A which most of the time lead nowhere. Unfortunately that is where I started.

Nothing better than 'ex sex'
Comfortable like a favouraite pair of shoes, just has that added frisson of the forbidden.

Tell him about the love bank and how he WILL come to resent her about the point where he realises she has been using him for her own jollies

"she is enjoying her time with the OM but he is telling me she is bothered as she is looking for a long term commitment but the OM is being evasive and non committal."

The more that has been said shows your friend needs to go plan B now.

Then file for D. His WW is just giving him enough to keep him as a back up plan.

With OM refusing to step up.

BH in NC with WW.

Will drive WW to up the pressure on the OM to commit.

This will make OM drop the WW as a bad habit.

It appears OM is stringing along WW just to get laid.

Get BH down to the library and spoon feed him how to get on the internet and join MB.

Thanks for all the replies and ideas. I will try to get him to join the forum but he is a technophobe.

I will also tell him it is necessary to stop seeing her. I tried to do this but he kept on going on about how much he misses her and could not understand why she is doing this. He thinks she will come back once she is no longer confused about her life.

I think you are right now that I see it in writing, I think she is stringing him along for a back up plan, and he is participating because he enjoys the sex.

I will tell him again about why plan B is important to go into NOW, and I will see if he listens.

BCBoy

Well, if you care that much, you can always order and overnight a copy of SAA and give it to him. He should understand books.

That's one smarty cat.