Can't believe my thread is gone, but that's alright.

Just an update to let everyone know how I'm doing. We had our second MC session with Steve this week. So far so good.

H and I went out last night. Today H got this message from a mutual friend: "I saw this beautiful thing between you two last night, it was great to see." H responded that he was grateful to have me and he was happy.

Today he admitted the truth to his supervisor (who originally thought I was a "bad person" for sending out mass emails about the A to his coworkers).

H is dragging his feet on the searching for another job, but he has complied with my conditions for keeping his current job (for now) so that I know for absolutely sure he has NC at all.

Everyone, I followed Plan A the best I could and I did a very nuclear exposure. Yes, some people don't believe it happened (thanks to OW's gaslighting) and consider me a "bad person", and there were moments where I was completely terrified to move forward with it, but I did it. After 3 weeks I got my H and my M back. Now that it's been more than a month of us working on our M, I can say it all has been worth it. Even H says now that he's grateful I did what I did, because he was just stuck and didn't know what to do.

I just signed on and read your post. What a nice surprise, NS!! It sounds like you are on the right track.

this part scares me to death:


NS, don't let up on this condition because HE WILL if you let him. I do not know of ANY marriage that recovered while the affairees still worked together, NS. NONE. But I can point you to numerous affairs that resumed because of it. You have nothing to lose by setting this as a boundary.

You are a brave trooper, NS, and that is WHY your marriage is going to make it. You did the hardest things even when you were scared to death and learned what Dr Harley says: EXPOSURE IS THE START OF RECOVERY. You are my hero, NS!

I just love a BRAVE WOMAN! You never backed down, girl. NEVER.

MelodyLane, thank you!

I still intend to stick with my deadline for H's leaving his job. Sometimes I look back and I still can't believe what I did and went though. I was told that his behavior/actions topped almost all of the other WS's here during exposure.

On a separate note, can you help out claygal? Her thread is "Hopefully in Recovery?" over at "In Recovery"... I think she should move her thread here to "Surviving an Affair".

(((((NS))))),

Dang it..... Another good thread LOST!!!!

Yours would have been such a GREAT thread to point newbies to!!! You put each and every part of Plan A into ACTION and did it beautifully.

Keep up with the great work and the couseling with Steve.....

Not2fun

As your sister I just wanna say...your strength, the way you executed your Plan A/exposure despite your fears amazed me and I am so proud of you! I agree, it is a shame your thread is lost

Well, I haven't seen you in a while so we haven't gotten to talk about your counseling or your date...Just please prepare yourself for him to try to wiggle on the date, test your boundary. As good as things are going for you two [and it does sound like things are going well :)] he won't be able to fully "defog" until he leaves the workplace...sadly, it is likely that he still holds onto hope to run into her.

It doesn't sound like you will, but do not back down from this boundary!

Thanks not2fun and suzieq

We had our 3rd MC session this week.

Strangely enough, my emotions have sort of tapered off since about a week or so. I feel more like myself, more stable. I haven't really felt any extreme anger or sadness. It's also been almost a week since I stopped taking my ADs (I forgot, then I just decided I probably didn't need them anymore - I hated the constant feeling of sleepiness/tiredness in the mornings and my body's feeling so desensitized to any sort of external stimuli). I don't know if this can be attributed to the time length of this whole situation (from day one of H's 360 change to the day he finally agreed to commit to saving our M - approximately 6 weeks). Or if it's just the way I am. I'll just wait and see what happens - I know there's a sort of a pattern to what BS's go through within the first year or so, so I know what I should be expecting.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you all something - Steve said that we needed to work on spending 15 hours of quality time together every week. I already knew about this, and we were already making some sort of (well, half-a**ed, to be honest) effort at this, but what I didn't realize was that we had to be doing some kind of interaction with each other. Watching tv, going to the gym together, etc. don't really count. So what I'd like to know is, what does count? What do you do in your 15 hours with your spouse?

What about doing yardwork, cooking meals, cleaning up, etc. together? Does that count? What other activities are there that don't cost much or require a lot of talking/reading? (I'm big on reading, but not conversation, H's big on conversation but not reading).

TIA for your suggestions/feedback!

NS- So glad to hear you are doing so well. You're right--your thread should stand as testimony to all on here about the success of a well-executed exposure.
I hope others will learn from this.
As far as the 15 hours goes, I know it seems like an extraordinarily large amount of time, given the limitations. I really can't help, since my H and I rarely spend any recreational time together.
My guess is that if it's a "hobby" of the two of yours, as opposed to a chore, it's ok. So, if you like gardening, then maybe so, but if it's regular yardwork, maybe not? Or like, if you like gardening, maybe so, but if you two are farmers, then maybe not? I dunno. Others should definitely weigh in.
Also, you should start a new thread on the recovery forum--lots of those folks are no longer dealing with an active A, and are able to focus on these nuances of a successful M better. Plus, it's just less exhausting to read...

Not2sure - My thread was moved here. it is under 'Did I make a HUGE mistake. Thanks for thinking of me. I haven't seen Mel on my thread for awhile.

IMHO, chores done together can count. It's all in the way you approach doing those chores. Working TOGETHER to get something accomplished can leave a warm and fuzzy feeling, if you make it a true joint project.

It's worked for us. I really don't like doing yard work, but she likes it. What I do like is how the yard looks afterward. If you can smile about the finished product, it's a plus activity.

Hi! We don't talk enough anymore...happy to see the update.

Here's an article about the 15 hrs that may help you that someone posted to me early in R: Not Enough Time Together #1 Also I would recommend you get the book HNHN.

Any RC time (bowling, etc) counts, I think that going to the gym together would count if you are working out together and talking. Watching sports with him and letting him teach you is a good idea (since I know this is what he said drew him to OW) as it would also fill the EN of admiration...

We try for a weekly date night...even just sitting and talking about our day together w/o the TV on after the kids are asleep counts

ps ~ I am glad you are feeling good after coming off the ADs!

Those 15 hours really are essential--and if I'm not mistaken, 15 hours is the bare minimum. Since it's a little over two hours a day, at night after work my husband and I learn dancing from DVDs and play cards or board games. There's always SF (can't get more together than that!) We also take a 45 minute walk with the dog each night and talk.

You two could have a private book club--read (which you like to do) a book and then discuss it (what he likes to do.)

Weekends are good for making up any time deficit from the week, if work is a problem.

I gotta say, those 15 hours of activities showed us just how little we were able to work together. We could not play a simple board game without fighting at first. But we talked about our issues and kept working through our conflicts and now we have a very pleasant time together.

I think Catperson has a long list of things to do together for little/no money.

Some things W & I have done since our MC put us onto this "15 hours" rule:

--Cooking together (lots of conversational time).

--Weekends away (yeah, it's a chore from the childcare standpoint, but you can rack up lots of hours this way. Friends who know about our situation & who have been rooting for us to restore our M. have been helpful to us in this regard). [Sorry, I know this isn't low-cost, I'll try to stick to that for the rest of the list.]

--Started playing tennis again. (Used to do this when we 1st got married, not sure why we ever stopped somewhere along the way.)

--Going to sports-bars & watching football, world series, etc. (If your H is into sports, try it. Don't sit at the bar, but rather, get a booth... his attention will likely be "divided" while the ball's in play, BUT we've found there is surprisingly lots of time for engagement/communication during the many, many commercials.)

--Do crossword puzzles together (the same puzzle, so that you're helping each other with answers.)

--Lunches together during the work day. (May not work logistically for many couples, but since ya gotta have lunch anyway, why not try? I never used to invite my wife downtown to have lunch w/ me before my affair. But insofar as I started doing it with my OW during the A., I realized that I could certainly make time to do this with my wife.)

--Shun reading, if you ask me. This was a LB for me prior to my affair, although I didn't recognize it as such at the time... wife would sit in bed reading a book, showing no interest in me. (I of course was too prideful to express my need for attention to her, so I was plenty to blame.)

--Yardwork? (Or housework)... I dunno... raking leaves, planting trees together, painting a room together can work. Running the lawnmower or anything involving sharp tools where you have to give them your full attention, will put a damper on your attention to your spouse & therefore probably don't count as "undivided attention."

H and I read 2 books together during early recovery.
Taking turns reading aloud. (in bed )
One choice book was a Stephen King collection of short stories.

That was a lot of fun.
"The Library Policeman" stands out in my memory.

Link to book description

I'm very interested in people's responses here because one of the things that made my marriage unsatisfactory was definitely the lack of spending time together. I didn't know about MB then, but I still would have told you that's what it was. The trouble is, I can't get my head around how you can possibly have 15 hours in a week available for UNDIVIDED attention to each other. My work day is 12-13 hours including commuting and just regular housework consumes most of the rest of my time. When DS was younger, WXH and I used to tag-team it to get him to all his functions and activities and often didn't even see each other for days at a time. I'm not sure how else we could have managed it. And now that I'm on my own, how can I hope to find another happy relationship with anyone if I don't have 15 hours to give?

That said, many of my own ENs involve help around the house and anything that can be done to ease the schedule a bit. I can't say how much it warmed me to see him raking leaves, a chore I used to primarily do. The one and only time that he brought the trash cans in from the curb after the garbage had been picked up actually stands out in my memory. It filled my love bank much further than anything he could have done while paying undivided attention to me specifically. Surely stuff like this counts for something!

It's amazing how such a simple concept works, Tabby, isn't it? Last week I took our daughter outside and started raking leaves. I was hoping for and waiting for H to do it all that week....but nothing.

Anyway, we were out there for about 15 min. It was a beautiful day. H comes out and starts working with us. MAJOR lovebank deposit. I could actually FEEL it!

It's amazing to me how often I hear that sentiment repeated by wayward spouses who are saved by their betrayed spouses. Happened in my marriage and many, many others. Perhaps that may be one of the measures of contrition and a move from wayward to faithful: that they are grateful for the exposure which helped free them from the destructive influence of the other person?

As far as reaching 15 hours together goes, I count any "undivided attention". That is, WE are doing something with just the two of us, we are talking to one another and looking at each other, and filling an emotional need for BOTH of us. So stripping wallpaper together this Saturday? You bet, we'll be helping and supporting each other do a difficult task; it will count for domestic support and recreational companionship for both of us. Watching TV? Maybe not so much. I typically don't count it, though we do like to enjoy a show one or two nights a week. However, if we're paying a lot of attention to one another during the show, or if we're ignoring the show and making out... yeah, I count it!

It boils down to "do I feel as if my emotional needs were being met by this attention?" Usually, if the kids are around, it simply can't count as undivided attention, nor does when one of us has a laptop out. But if we both have our laptops out and are sharing Facebook gags with each other, sitting next to each other... yeah, that counts.

Does that make sense?

Barnboy, I thought your wife was going to swear off Facebook as one of the extraordinary precautions....

I will do that. I just still feel very wary that there's actual R happening here, but at the same time I feel very positive


You're welcome. I can't help but feel concerned for you as my sitch could have so easily ended up like yours if it was not for susieq. I haven't seen Mel on MB for the last 1-2 days, she's probably very busy.


Thanks! Also, yea, we need to talk soon. Not sure when, though. Maybe Sunday. Already am watching sports with him... he kinda finds it amusing, but is already getting used to it.


Cards/board games - good idea. That's what we like to do, but haven't done in a while. We can even go shopping for new games. Thanks!

Can't find catperson's list, I hope someone else can find it and post it here.


I think it's interesting you mentioned this. I've since come to slowly realize over the last few weeks that it must be a LB for him too, though he used to be proud of it and even bragged to our friends about it. Hasn't done that in the last few years though. I've kind of tried to do my reading only when he's not at home, will continue to do that. You can't ask me to cut off reading completely! Though I like what Pepperband said - reading together - but he's really so averse to it, I can't see any point in it. He won't even read SAA with me (I believe he has a reading learning disability), but I have tried to discuss it with him so that he wouldn't have to read it. Only just this week he finally agreed to take the EN questionnaire (and take it seriously!! He resorted to what I call ADHD tactics the time I asked him to take it) because Steve told him he had to do it.


I wonder, can't even just having family quality time where everyone is interacting with each other (in this case, it's just the three of us, we have a DD aged 12) count? Wouldn't that meet the EN family commitment?


Sorry if I couldn't respond to everyone else... I guess it is better if H and I just sit down, make a schedule of our 15 hours together in advance, and just STICK TO IT, instead of tallying off the hours, which is more or less what I was doing, mentally.

Yup, I would count time with your daughter as meeting FC--but not UA time.

BTW, in my opinion, him watching TV and you sitting on the couch with your feet in his lap, reading a book while he rubs your feet? I count that as UA!