Hi friends,
I am in need of some help. My DH had an EA with a girl he met online. He continues to absolutely resist NC (because they are really "just freinds" now so he "isn't doing anything wrong" in continuing to talk with her, and refuses to become transparent to me (ie, still locks phone, won't get the phone bill resent to our house, etc) He is gaslighting. Big time. Tells me he doesn't deserve to live like a child and have his wife checking up on him. He had to absolute GALL to say he is struggling with a lot of mistrust of ME because I was the one who hacked into his email account and found all the emails between the 2 of them (they were bad...really, really bad) He says asinine things like "you don't trust me, so I act like someone who shouldn't be trusted" Give me a break. He hasn't done a single thing to warrant my trust, yet is totally of the "get over it, I'm tired of living like this" mentality.

I realize my role in his seeking out attention from another woman. I am trying to adjust my behavior, but it is really hard to be loving, attentive, and sexually intimate with a man whom I still have SO much hurt and anger associated with. He appreciates my efforts, and thinks our marriage is much better than it was. I think it is the most unhappy I have ever been. I am very close to Plan B. I am fairly certain it will lead quickly to Plan D. I'm tired of trying with him. At first I was very much committed to saving our marriage, but once discovered, the EA actually ignited even more (according to WH because he was sure I was going to leave him, even though I immediately made it clear I wanted to work on things) He is TRULY not the man I thought he was right now. I believe he is narcissistic, and has a sexual addiction that I just don't have the energy or desire to deal with.

Has anyone ever come back from something similar? How long do I give this? It's been almost a year since he met this girl, and I thought things would have been better by now. I HATE the person I've become. Resentful, bitter, hateful towards OW (like wish death upon her hateful) I AM crazy hypervigilent. I'm obsessed with catching him doing something wrong. I don't know how to move forward. The EA has been exposed, but he has, of course, downplayed it as a fantasy and that it meant nothing. *sigh* Please help.

Jenn,

V.sorry you're in this situation.

Couple of questions for you:

-- Is the OW married?

-- To whom has his EA been exposed?

People can indeed come back from EAs as well as PAs, but I don't see how it's possible if there's self-denial on his part that it's unacceptably improper & disrespectful for him to carry on an affair with another woman (and make no mistake, an emotional affair is an affair just the same -- mine was an emotional affair before it became physical -- and from all I've read, most EAs become PAs if left to fester).

I gather you've self-assessed & come to the conclusion that you weren't meeting some emotional needs of his; but what about his efforts to learn & meet your EN's? Obviously, your need for openness & honesty on his part isn't registering with him. I don't rule out that he may have a deep fear of losing you & his family if he fully comes clean, but aside from that issue (which can be overcome), the biggest problem is that he's so blatantly placing his needs above yours in refusing to cease contact with her, and this circumstance prevents progress on any other fronts.

Things never got to Plan B in my case, so I can't advise you there. Others who can speak to this better will be along soon.

My suggestion: Set an end-date for your Plan A. Abstain from all Love Busters while you are working Plan A, particularly selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. Try to meet all of his emotional needs and show him what a warm, welcoming home and relationship you can create together. If he won't open up about what those ENs are, fill out Dr. Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire as if you were him, and try to meet his top 5 emotional needs multiple times per day if possible.

You are in competition with the other woman, and right now your side is losing badly.

Typically, Dr. Harley recommends around 1-2 months for women performing Plan A, and around 6 months for men. This will vary by YOUR ability to pull it off without creating severe emotional distress for you, and without engaging in Love Busters.

During this time, write your Plan B letter explaining the exact conditions under which you will take him back. Refine it, make it perfect, and use Dr. Harley's example in the book, "Surviving An Affair" as your template for an appropriate Plan B letter. Arrange your finances as necessary, including talking to a lawyer regarding extracting support from your husband during your planned separation if you require it. Put plans in place to quickly separate your finances if required, and protect your children from the influence of the other man.

During your Plan A, expose the affair to family, friends, and anyone who may be a friend of your marriage. Read the post "The Carrot & Stick of Plan A" at http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640849&page=1 . Re-read your copy of "Surviving An Affair" to better understand how the affair started, and how it will have to end.

Your husband is NOT doing things as a reaction to you. He was there already, or already headed in that direction, before you got involved in raining on his fantasy. That's gaslighting as you know, and utter rubbish. He's choosing what he wants to do; your job is to make his pursuit of the affair as uncomfortable as possible while refraining from all Love Busters (including disrespectful judgments about his extramarital relationship!) and meeting his emotional needs in order to attract him back to you.

The OW is not married. She is, thankfully, long distance and they have never actually met (another justification from him as to why it wasn't that big a deal) She has a sob story that I just don't buy about her life. Husband bought it hook, line, and sinker Apparently she is 24, a model, was kidnapped by her dad when she was young and taken to Tunisia, has been raped, her little sister abused her, she used to date the lead singer of the All American Rejects, she has had a double mastectomy, was unemployed (was...DH helped her find a job, wrote her resume, cover letter, and was a reference) and uninsured and is dying of treatable cancer, her neighbor poisoned her dogs, etc, etc, blah, blah blah. Because of all this malarky, DH feels really bad just abandoning her (big surprise, girl has no friends...I'm sure she stole all their boyfriends Now she is apparently sleeping with her boss. Oy.
Both of our families know of the EA, and many friends.

Does he only use the computer at home, or does he have access at work?

If I were you, I'd put my foot down and get spy software on the computer, block her email address and facebook, and whatever method he is using to communicate with her, block her number and delete all her contact info.

Or, you can file for D or legal separation and then he'll come back with his tail wagging between his legs. Either way, you need to take charge of the situation and enforce your boundaries.

Jeez, she sounds like quite a catch... Maybe you can take an extra job to finance med school for your H so he can become her personal oncologist... Or maybe you can win him back by getting a triple mastectomy. (Sorry for that ... this is one of those times when you have to laugh b/c otherwise, you'd cry.)

If you H shows signs later of wanting to turn things around, I can help with some things he should & shouldn't be doing, since I had to claw my way back from the affair I mindlessly, selfishly inflicted on my wife. But I knew from D-Day that I wanted to try & save my marriage, and your H isn't there yet. Lots of the BSs here have been through this stuff, they know your pain. Sorry.

Seriously?!?!? ALL that??? I'm sorry, I know this is painful for you but reading this just made me chuckle. This OW is a piece of work and a master manipulator. Do you know her full name? It would be nice if you could out her on some of this.

I'm sorry you are here. She does sounds like a pathological liar - be interesting if you could verify any of these things she's claiming to be or has happened to her. Don't know if it would help anyway, as your H sounds very wayward. He definitely needs to commit to NC, or there's no hope for your M.

If you can do an excellent job of plan A (at least a week or 2 weeks) then go into a very dark plan B before the holidays, that would have a very big impact on him. I know it's hard but continue to try not to LB him. If you feel you can't control it, leave the room (or the house). Just tell him you need to go out for some fresh air or something. Then regroup.

Keep posting - other vets will be by to help you with plan A/plan B stuff. I'm still just a newbie.

Oh believe me. I have laughed many times at her story. It's OK, we can all make fun of her Agh! I'm so mean!
Sad thing is, he doesn't see it! He TRULY believes it all. I've googled her name, found some stuff, but nothing about all these claims. On D-Day, he called, in front of me, and told her he couldn't talk to her anymore. Then the texts started coming. Her nose was bleeding uncontrollably, she was feeling weak. I, for some really DUMB reason, allowed him to call her (again in front of me) She wouldn't go to the hospital to get help. Then a couple of days later, her ex-boyfriend supposedly came and beat her up. It is like every time he tries to establish appropriate boundaries, she knows JUST how to pull him back and make him feel bad for her.
As far as Plan A. HOW do you become the perfect wife when I am so far withdrawn and angry with him right now? I'm not that great an actress

Wow, she must have somehow managed long distance, to perform a lobotomy on your husband and removed his reasoning center.

My H's OW used a lot of 'poor me, my life sucks' tactics on him, too. Not to this degree though.

You are not the only one. I, like all other BS's here, dealt with a lot of emotions. I immediately started antidepressants (ADs) but I don't know if that's something you want to do (I saw that you said you're pregnant? right?). It helped me alot. I also kept reminding myself over and over that I was in a war, I was battling for my marriage (I know that sounds kinda weird). There's even a thread on that somewhere around here.

When and if he agrees to NC again, DON'T allow him to get in contact with her at all! He should do a NC letter and you approve it and mail it out. Then change all email addresses, phone numbers, etc, whatever is necessary to block her out. If there HAS to be any kind of communication with her, you do it, not him. Even then, keep it very short and end it very quickly.

You need to figure out what will work for you in order to do Plan A. The main goal is for your H to end contact, go through withdrawl and get defogged, then work with you on M recovery. Keep the prize in your mindsight. Stay calm at all times, keep things casual, light, airy with him (no relationship talk). Attend to his most important ENs. If you are feeling like you are getting fed up with him, leave. Go out and do something nice for yourself, like a manicure or something.

You definitely need to go to Plan B when you are feeling like you are getting dangerously close to losing what remaining feelings you have left for him.

Good luck...

Good Lord - I hope he hasn't sent her any money. This sounds like a classic scam.

First thing first - did you expose to anyone about his EA yet?? If not, expose to everyone that's important to your H. His family, your family, his friends, etc. But don't warn him you will do it, just go ahead and do it.

That was my first, second and third thought. These women, usually from foreign countries set up a sucker sting and in this case I think she reeled your H in. I bet those pictures of her are fake and he could even be possibly talking to a man for all he knows.

What I would google would be some of the sentences she used about being kidnapped from Tunsia with quotes around it and see if you can find a website or something. Most of these scammers take the wording from other posts.

You are competing with a ghost in this case. No substance at all.

He has sent her money. Lots. That's one of the most infuriating parts. We are struggling financially BADLY (one of the big stressors in our marriage) and he sent her money. I go back and forth as to how exactly he has managed to believe her. He met her in a virtual world, found out about the Hodgkins and how she has no job and no insurance. He then started phone contact to make sure she "wasn't dead" I've been waiting for her to die now for months. Part of his justifications to me have been that he didn't want her to die alone and depressed and that she would be dead before it ever became an issue. He literally still feels like he has saved her life and did a good deed and was a nice guy. She goes out now, has a job, went back to school...whereas before she met him she was sitting at home, giving up, depressed, and dying, in constant blinding pain.

He said she has a My Space page with pictures of herself with no hair (she apparently had some guy start paying for chemo and he stopped when she wouldn't sleep with him) I, big surprise, can't find her site. There is someone by her name and age, living in New Mexico. That's about all I know. There is a facebook page registered to her name, but no profile picture. I'm tempted to send her a friend request. Ha!

Isn't there some organization like Hell's Angels for the internet where you can report suspected scams? I thought I read about that not too long ago. Honestly, that's what I'd do. I agree with the others. I don't think you have an H in an EA. You have an H who is being scammed.

Of course the fact that he is emotionally involved with this non-existent person is a red flag for you because your marriage IS vulnerable to an affair.

If I were you, I'd see if I can expose this as a scam while you also see if you can get your H on board w/ the marriage building principles to affair-proof the marriage.

Just hire a PI (or do some work yourself) to prove OW is a 50 year-old ugly slob who is scamming him.

OK. I found her dad. He is in fact from Tunisia. She is in fact 24 and living in New Mexico. Her dad does kind of sound like a jerko. I think she is lying a lot, and extremely manipulative but perhaps not lying about everything.

How do you know for sure it is her Dad. These scams are very savvy and I am sure they don't want their sugar daddy to disappear. Try googling some of the sentences and see what turns up. How did you find her Dad?
How much money has your H given in and what amount of time. There are organizations about these type of people. Maybe some of the others can chime in. This is a classic case.

If Jenn gets her hands on some hard, solid evidence that this "OW" is a fraud, would her H be willing to accept it? I'm doubtful of that.

But yes, find out everything you can about this allegedly person. I think everyone else is right, this does sound like a scam the more I think about it.