<BR>I am most definitely teetering on the brink of insanity ....<P>I don't wanna have sex with my H. Poor guy ... he's patient and understanding so much ... but this is a major need of his (like how many men can relate???????) lol<P>He always has to ask, I never initiate. I dread him asking ... which he did last night. I begged off and promised tonight (I'm leaving town for the weekend).<P>I'm ashamed that I feel this way about him. I just have NOOOO desire whatsoever. And he has nothing to do with HIS performance ... he's above and beyond ... he should give a class ....<P>Just venting.

Why do you think your feeling like this?<P>I know I haven't let my H get close since our 3rd daughter was born 7 months ago, and I asked him to leave.. But my reason is that OW/OC are such a significant part of H's life still.... <P>I don't want to make myself even more vulnerable to being hurt... This all hurts enough...<P>So there has to be a reason behind your hesitance, and that is what you need to get to and deal with... Explain to H...<P>cozy<BR>

Maya,<BR>I don't have any answers to this problem, just wanted you to know that I would pray for you. I was reading some of the guys' posts yesterday and they said that thier wives needed losts of nonsexual touching, like backrubs, footrubs, hugging, etc. This type of touching may be difficult for your h right now because any touch is probably driving him crazy at this point. Just don't give up on yourself. Do you enjoy sex after you get started? Is it just the initial thought, or does it last the entire act? TAlk to someone who knows something about this type of reaction to sex. <P>Good luck!

Maya, remember you posts from last week on focusing on the needs of your family.<P>Here's a golden opportunity. You have all day to plan and get yourself in the right mindset.<P>Instead of using the day to lament about that you have no desire, just do whatever you can to create the desire for tonight.<P>Candles, music, fresh sheets or just plain you...but make a statement that you recognize your H's need and you want to fulfill it.<P>Shift your thought from how you feel to how you want to make him feel.<P>Your body may cooperate more than you think!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

You're right, FHL ... this is something I need to do for him.<P>So BUCK UP Maya ...

Maya - As someone who's often been treated like this by my W in recent months, I can relate to your feelings. At least you're open and honest about it. My W would feel and act like this towards me and then blame ME for the lack of sex in our marriage. (And this is when I KNEW that her lack of interest was really due to her relationship with OM - which clearly is not the case with you, since you've given up your affair, though I can't help wondering if some of the old feelings from that are still coming between you and your H this way?) Maybe you could take a chance and tell your H how you feel or take the issue up in a couples counseling session. (Sorry, I forget offhand whether you said you're in counseling. I seem to recall that you are.) It might hurt him some, but it would get your feelings out in the open. Otherwise, they're just going to fester and you'll just have to keep making excuses. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

That's the spirit. Now go about creating an environment that would be good for you, because your H will be thrilled with just about anything anyway.<P>Is this pretty much an event after the kids are finally in bed and asleep or can you make it more of a date like event?

Maya,<P>I know about the no desire. But you said your husband is "above and beyond", maybe once things start happening between you to, you will feel more into it.<P>Think of it as giving towards your relationship and maybe taking a small step towards rekindling some feelings. I know we all want to feel that connection.<P>I know it's hard but keep praying.

Maya,<P>I have been reading some of your posts and wanted to finally respond. A long time ago I dated this guy who was super nice to me i.e.patient and understanding. <P>Toward the end of the relationship I knew I love him but wasn't in love with him - avoided having sex with him, didn't really want to try and often was impatient with him. I stayed in the relationship much longer than I should have because of the guilt - I felt I couldn't appreciate a good thing. <P>I realized later that he was too nice to me - I hope you don't misunderstand what I mean by this - but I didn't respect him. He never put limits on me, he never said to me stop hurting me, I'm not going to take this anymore from you. In summary, he never put his foot down with me. <P>Maybe I am way off base, I know that infidelity makes it a lot more complicated. But up until this point, you seem to be taking all the blame for this. Could he have something to do with your lack of spark for him. Is it possible that your husband hasn't really put his foot down with you and that deep down you really don't respect him. I'm surprised that he hasn't after all this time said "Maya, what's up already?" The OM on the other hand is a jerk but you can't help but still have very strong feelings for him. Just a thought...

Maya - You shouldn't be ashamed. You've been working and trying so hard and I think you should be very proud of yourself!<P>All this stuff takes time. You've committed to your family and your husband. That's such a big and wonderful step.<P>FHL has good advice here. And, even though I don't post to you much I read all your threads, if anyone can pull this off, I KNOW that you can!!<P>Good luck to you. Take it slow and steady. You'll have what you want one day. I feel sure of it.<P>Lori

Maya, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>this is something I need to do for him<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is something you need to do for BOTH of you and the relationship!<P>You say you don’t have the desire. Would you <I>like</I> to have the desire? Buy him a copy of Light Her Fire by Ellen Kreidman <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440212499/o/qid=940565519/sr=8-1/002-1492908-6596225" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440212499/o/qid=940565519/sr=8-1/002-1492908-6596225</A> and check out the website <A HREF="http://www.lightyourfire.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.lightyourfire.com/</A> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited October 22, 1999).]

Hi, Maya. Felt as you did just one year ago, and now I CANNOT GET ENOUGH of my husband, wish I could! But you know what happened to bring it around? I almost lost him. I woke up, and what a sad way to do it. I had a H that did EVERYTHING for me, and then he was tired. Of course, what else could he be after what he went through? <P>I'm feeling pretty bad right now, and that I really screwed things up and would do ANYTHING to get back with my husband emotionally. I had a dream last night where my husband told me that he was in love with someone else. It killed me, literally. I can't even put it into words.

Mornin' Maya,<P>Well, without getting TOO personal, I hope things went OK last night. I think your feelings towards H are similar to my W's feelings toward me. Although she no longer has to dread my asking, 'cause I stopped asking. <P>Jellybean,<P>Excellent point! It probably true that we tend to lose our passion for someone or something we can always have, who's always there, always reliable. For example, I don't get too worked-up about indoor plumbing -- you flush, it goes away. But if the septic tank fails, I find myself getting very passionate in my desire for working toilets!<P>NOT that I'm comparing marriage to a septic tank! Although they both involve dealing with a lot of crap!

<BR> Doug, what a riot...I'm still laughing...great analogy!<BR> I agree with you all though, I think "old reliable" gets boring....I always lost interest in boyfriends who were "too nice".....Lu <BR>

Dear Maya:<BR>I would like to know why you feel this way. Only because my husband feels the same way and we haven't had sex for 2 years. So, I am really wondering why? My husband says he is attracted to me, but, I find that hard to believe. Are you still attracted to him?

Hi May,<P>My divorced therapist(whom I don't see anymore)liked to sometimes tell me things about her own marriage. She said the sex was always good, but then I wondered about their recent divorce(!!??) After all, I speculated, when you fell out of love or had a bad marriage, didn't is follow that you didn't have sex???? She commented that she was always able to separate that from everything else. I thought about that and I also thought about the musical "My Fair Lady" where they say, "Now, why can't a woman be more like a man ?!" So, I thought, I will separate sex out and also be more like a man........I envisioned myself in a different light. Sort of like projecting a new, powerful, generous image on myself, sort of stepped away from who I normaly was. I don't know if this helps, probably sounds really HOKEY!!

Jellybean - Whenever I put my foot down with my W, she just puts hers down on top of it! R & B,<P>--Wex

Wexwill - what does that mean? Do you mean she just digs her heels in and becomes stubborn? If you usually give in to your wife, she may be holding firm to see if you cave in first. <P>I also think that plan "B" is a form of putting your foot down. It's basically saying "I don't want you to hurt me anymore and I have the self respect to protect myself emotionally from you." It seems to come more out of strength. It seems for a lot of betrayers that's when the betrayed start to come around a little more inspite of how angry or resentful they are of the betrayed.

<B>Jellybean & others,</B> <BR>I'm baffeled by your posts. You can't respect a guy who is too nice to you? You don't want a guy to be patient and understanding? What am I missing here? <P>I remember saying "love, honor, and cherish" in my wedding vows. I found out that when I put my put down as you say, I got resentment and hositility. I was labeled as jealous, possesive, and controlling. <P>Now I am working at honoring and cherishing her as I should have. I suppose I am more like a smooth running toilet as what was said earlier.<P>I don't get it. Is it love, honor, cherish, but don't be too nice?<P>I guess I'm doomed.<P><B>Maya</B><BR>You seem to be just like my wife right now in regards to this sex thing (i.e. she wants to feel passion for me, but it's not there). It is a need for me, and her and we are working at it ever so slowly. <P>Right now, I would be satisfied with affection over undesired sex. If my wife hugged me more, gave me kisses on the cheek, and held my hand when we go places I could wait for flame for me to grow stronger over time. <P>SHA

SHA:<P>Oh, what a fine line we modern guys have to walk! Be forgiving, but not a doormat. Be gentle, but retain some rough edges too. Be tender, but rugged too. Compromise, but show some backbone too. Be considerate, but not wussy. Be warm and cool, but not hot or cold. And always make her feel like you'd jump in front of the bullet for her.<P>Do all that, and she'll be happy.... for a couple minutes anyway. <P>Excuse me, I have to go beat some drums now... rrr...Rrrr...RRRRRR!