I need help. Im not sure if I posted this in right place. I belive my wife is having an emotinal online affair that has resulted in the I love you but not in love with you talk. She talked divorce but not moved with. She is on a locked laptop so I dont know how to get proof to confront her with. Ive read about plans a, b, c etc but dont know where they are or how to read them.. Help...

If your wife is using a Windows laptop, you can install a hardware keylogger in the PCI slot. You don't need to know any passwords, etc... just put the little card in her PCI slot while the laptop is off. I've heard that the KeyCarbon Raptor is good for this: http://www.keycarbon.com/products/keycarbon_laptop/overview/

You can call them and ask technical questions, etc., to determine whether it will work.

This doesn't work on Mac laptops, which have no known workarounds... or so the KeyCarbon people informed me, and so my internet research has shown too. My WH has a Mac laptop and I have researched everything.

she has a asus laptop with windows. also she keeps getting really personal posts on her facebook that seem to be advice toward our situation. Should I confront the poster?? her?? Im scared to push too hard for thought of her leaving, pushing her over the edge prematurley. She has depresion issues

You've got to bring the affair out into the open. If Facebook is being used inappropriately, the poster needs to be blocked or the facebook account deactivated. You're in for a world of hurt if you let this continue. Nip it in the bud.

It sounds like it should work. Call the KeyCarbon people and ask to be sure, then order. Have it delivered to your work address and install it while she's asleep or out.

I'd say don't confront about anything yet. Gather all your information first and be sure what you're dealing with. You should be able to do that in a day or two, really, if you start monitoring her laptop right away. Then bring that info back here for advice, so you can come up with a really solid idea of what to do. People here have good advice, and you will be too emotional to be thinking clearly.

Also, you don't want her to know how you got your information, because then she'll just figure out better ways to hide in the future. (That's what my WH has done.)

when confronted with she says its just a friend, he lives several states away but the talk there daily. as well as her to others.Im afraid if I make it a big deal and push shell leave, hen I believe we can still reconsile in future. Should I email the poster? She has depression issues and is very vunerable right now as well as not sure where we are

Stop confronting and start snooping. You can't do anything except wonder and worry until you know the facts. Don't contact the poster until you've snooped more.

You don't want her to realize you're snooping right now. It will only allow her to COVER IT UP better... or to warn others that you are "paranoid" and "crazy."

can you buy anything like that locally or only order from them?

OK. Then do nothing. Don't make it a big deal. See where that gets you.

OK, sorry for the above sarcasm. My OW gave her husband the famous "ILYNILWY" talk, too. In this forum, one sees that phrase so often, it's almost as though there's a secret script circulating among people who are stepping into affairs. If you ask me, it's a dead-giveaway that bad things are afoot.

She may decide to leave on her own, but you've got to snap yourself out of the mindset that you'll be the cause of it if you push her to end an EA. My EA (which blossomed online, although it was with someone who was already a real-life acquaintance) became a PA in short order.

And here's a real killer (true-story): My OW later confided to me, and I later verified as 100% true, that she'd had liaisons with an ex-BF of hers who lived out-of-state, during the months before she started coming on to me. So if your W discovers she likes the idea of getting her emotional needs filled by other guys, the fact that this one fella's out-of-state may not keep her from casting a roving eye more locally around where you live. She's made a decision to venture out on the same slippery slope I went out onto. I regret it like hell, & the pain it caused my wife, but these things don't stop by themselves, because of the addiction-like rush that she's getting from the secret contact with this other person. I could always be wrong, but I think you've gotta get whatever evidence you can, fast, and if you find proof that something bad's afoot, put your foot down hard, & decisively.

P.S. You've got multiple threads up on same topic, this is confusing; please ask the Moderators to consolidate them for you.

Please read all my initial post here. I need help badly.
I was told to repost this here. Not sure where I belong. I know this may take a minute to tell story but I'll keep it as short as I can. Me and my wife met 10 years ago. We dated for over a year and broke up. She and I both took it hard and she got in touch with me again a couple months later. We were then married within the year. We have been married now going on 8 years. have a 12 y/o from her and a 3 y/o together. Both I love as sons.
A year into the marriage I became addicted and closed her out and was unaavailable for her emotionally, not all the time, for 4 years. When we had our youngest child, I changed. I have now been claen for almost 2 1/2 years, and have been there and available for her. But the past 2 years she has become more distant. We started counseling, but the counselor seemed to lead us on fixing things not important to our trust, intimacy, and relationship. Backview, she sufers from depression and has cut time to time since high school. She had a distant relationship wiht her dad. He wouldnt say he loved her and was very non affectionate, only bringing up discipline and problems when they talked.
She had a child out of wedlock and a bad marriage before we met. During the time before my addiction we started Church but my addiction stopped that. We were PTA parents, and the perfect look as a couple. I know all the things I did during those 4 years were wrong and I have attempted to repent all of it. I was distant, lied, unavailable for her emotionally, wouldnt go to bed with her, sex was almost nonexistant, I wasnt comforting and at times was very condescending and judgemental. All this from my lack of self worth and addiction. She told me several times during this phase that I was loosing her and I didnt listen. She wanted counseling but we never went.
All seemed to calm before our last child was born. After his birth we moved into a new home, our first, and supposedly started over. This was 2 1/2 years ago. A few months into the new home she became addicted to Xbox live, and had an online affair. After this we reconsiled began counseling and all seemed right for about a year. Then a year ago, she came to me and said she still loved me, but wasn't in love with me and had lost the wifey feelings. We began counseling again, and this time the counselor seemed to focus more on our movement to divorce and having my wife drop xboxlive, which had again became an addiction. She had me stop hugging and kissing wife and basically worked on non core problems. Well move forward as things started to deteriorate.
Three months ago she again said she asnt in love with me, we stopped having sex, as she said it made her feel wrong for having it and not being in love, she said she didnt know what to do and didnt feel she could ever love me again for the past, even though she claims to have forgiven me, she says she could never see us right again. She has since then shut me out totally emotionally. She says when we talk it makes her feel bad about herself for whats going on, and refuses to discuss anyhting about marriage. She no longer does any housework, cooking hardly, only rarely takes care of the kids in a mom like way, and gives me no time.
She has moved from xbox live to chatting with male friends on the internet, from whom Im sure shes getting leave him advice. Her best friend is recently divorced and is a not so moralistic person from who Im also sure shes getting bad advice. A month ago we were back in counseling and she said she wanted to seperate, I agred. But when she got home and we spoke to our oldest, she said she wanted to try again. Take into account that now for 2 1/2 years I have been available, and a good husband in the way she always asked me to be. So 3 good, I thought, weeks went by and she became more and more drawn to being online chatting.
Then I saw on her facebook, she had taken an online quiz for what do you need in a relationship. Her answer was passion and comfort, two things I have been desperately trying to give her for 2 1/2 years and she has refused much of the time, by saying she doesnt feel it. Well a male friend of hers online, who only has her on his friends list posted to it. "Didnt we just talk about this the other day?. You know what my results were, and remember Im here for you" I confronted her with it and she said she didnt know who it was at first, then admitted she lied to me and actually discusses her personal issues with alot of people on there. mostly men. She said he said it was meant for the comfort part.
She is emotionally fragile and when gets upset she has cut in the past. Later that night she went into the bathroom but took computer. I saw her online on yahoo, and asked her what she was doing. She said she was contacting a friend who old her to contact him if she felt like cutting. I was afraid she was doing it so went in the bathroom and she said, since you had to do that hers wedding rings. She hasnt worn them since sunday andwhen I asked about it she says. I dont want to talk about it.
I love this woman with all my heart and would spend the rest of my life making up for my mistakes, but she want let me in. She has said the reason she duidnt seperate and go to her grandmas is because she didnt want to seem to have abandoned the kids. I have started back church and attempting to move further along in being a good man and husband. But she cant see it. She has asked for a divorce, but when we try to talk about it or seperating she shuts down. Help I dont know where to go from here......Feel free to ask anything that would help you help me. Ill be very open to help. God bless and your help will be so appreciated. I also was advised to put a keystroke thing on her computer so I could know for sure if an emotional affair was happening. Is this a good idea? And how would I she uses a laptop that I dont know unlck code....

fred, it is important to get the goods FIRST and then confront her. Confront her and then expose the affair. If you have to keep quiet about her affair in order to keep her there, then your marriage is over anyway.

She is depressed and vulnerable because she is being BAD. When people are being bad, it causes depression. So getting the affair out in the open and killing it will help alleviate her depression.

But before you do anything, get that keylogger and find out EXACTLY what is going on. Then come back here and we will help you.

Be stealthy first, get all your ducks in order. If I had confronted when I initially suspected, I would have just driven the A underground. I waited until I had a STACK of evidence, down to tape recordings, emails, credit card receipts, everything. THATS what you need now. Stay quiet and start investigating. It will take a lot to keep quiet but DO IT.

Any depression issues she has now may pale in comparison to her emotional state if the A is allowed to continue. (Some waywards have pondered suicide because of the depression created by the A.) Read everything on here, listen to the vets. Her computer use needs to be monitored. You need to do some high-quality snooping.