First thanks Tabby -- great topic..

BS that don't recover their M.

That is me.

I feel like I have been on a train that I know was crashing and I still could not get off.

This is the place where I vent, cry, survive. Most family and friends think I have "just moved on". If you don't go through it -- no one really understands. Have you heard these lines...

Get rid of him -- who needs that?

I wish I could get rid of my H? (Why do people think we WANT THIS?)

You could never trust him again

You could do better

I have a "friend" for you.

And the list goes on.

After we moved away from my family 1900 miles (I was in hometown I grew up in), 2 years later - XH chooses to have A. What hurts the most is that XH chose the OW after less than 2 months of A. He actually said if DD was going to college you would not even really care.

This last 16 months have been a blur.
6/08 - A begins
7/08 - ILYBNILWY
10/08 - moves to own Apt
1/09 - serves me D papers
6/09 - moves in with OW
To date - judgement made waiting to sign final D.

This is after 22 yr M. This man was ethical, honest, recovered alcoholic, good Dad.

He is now a drunk, blames everything on me, financially broke, D16 refuses to see him, D29 stopped talking to him after Father's Day.

He wanted to be happy, he did not want to be lonely, he chased the fantasy.

Heard today that he just picked up 4 bottles of Peach Schnaps to keep fueling that fantasy.

I still love the man he was. I feel like a M single person. I have been asked on a date and someone else is interested in me at work (he actually works with my XH). I feel nothing. I have no desire to put myself out there. My D16 has been through enough without her Mom going over the deep end on the dating parade. She needs one stable parent in her life. I have nothing else to give to anyone.

Cat, Chia, Mulan, - all of you. I understand.

How can you give your heart to someone else when it is stone? I know some people here are so done and would never go back. I still love my H. I have never wavered from that.

I fill my time with trying to be a good Mom, going to the gym, seeing a few friends and not too much else. I am in limbo. I no longer know where I belong. I know deep down I am waiting -- for something that might never happen. For now that has to be enough.

Me too

What I should have added is that I have turned all of this over to God. I struggle sometimes with this but I know I didn't cause this, I can't change it or control it.

Hope,

Good post. Describes me too. I thought that I was doing OK, but after the final judgement came down I realized I was not. That old familiar empty feeling is back with a vengeance.

Funny, I never got the ILYBINILWY speech. My WH was the ultimate cake eater. I truly believe he wanted to do both forever. I was the one who had enough and couldn't deal with the continued contact and lying, so I do tend to blame myself a lot. If only I had hung on longer, not LBd as much, yada, yada, yada.

Anyway, my judgement is in and I will be D'd in a week or two. It's still seems like a nightmare....

WH wanted a fresh start in July - wanted to forget about everything and look forward together - he never admitted any wrongdoing - and I couldn't handle it and pushed him away again - you know how many times a day I blame myself for that? he said to me I would regret it and he is correct - I do - even though it was the right thing to do.

I think what I am struggling most beside him being gone is that all of my memories have been destroyed too - because he never admitted any wrongdoing, in my head I am picturing the worst case scenario - he said once in the heat of an argument that I forced him to marry me - even though I know rationally it's not true it hurts so much you have no idea.
My husband has a secret email account where I am trying to guess the password for a while now - part of me really wants to see it, part of me doesn't as I think it will verify my worst expectations.

A brief thought on whether or not "Life Is Fair":

A character on the old *Babylon 5* TV show was once heard to say this:

"People often lament that life is not fair, but I am quite glad that it is not. If life *were* fair, it would mean that we actually deserve all the dreadful things that happen to us. And so, I, for one, take great comfort in the general unfairness of the universe."

Me, too.
Mulan

Good point, Mulan..

Hope,

I could have written that post. You said what I feel... I feel like a M'd single person.

I still feel M'd to ExH, like it's all a dream and he'll come back to me someday. I was with him 20+ years, why would he throw all that away?

I need to get a grip and figure out why I still torture myself that way. He has moved on, why can't I? As stupid as this sounds, evn though he has M'd OW, just had a baby with her, I still love him. Evne though he has caused me and my kids so much pain, I still love him. How sick is that?!! I too am waiting for something that I'm sure will never happen.


Like you I don't even have the desire to put myself out there, but know I need to as I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. The kids are growing up. But I just feel nothing...

Cat

Its not crazy or stupid to still love them ...I still love my WH, I wish every day that I didnt...Do you think maybe it helps them that they know we are not with anybody else...IDK, I dont think my WH cares but sometimes I wonder if he saw me happy with someone else that maybe he would really feel the loss of me, maybe it would sting a little, ya know?

I am not sayin to find someone else, Im just sayin that at the point when we do, maybe that is when they really feel the loss...IDK...

Still,

I thought that too, that maybe once he realized that I was with someone else and another man was around my DS, he wouldn't like it. But I doubt at this point he cares. As I said he has a new family now, plus I am pretty sure he thinks I am seeing someone.

I just casually dropped hints along the way over these last few months to make him think I was with someone. Childish I know, but it made me feel good at the time...

Not childish at all, I dont blame you. We just gotta hang in there, Cat, I am positive there is good stuff in the future for us...There has gotta be...

Yeah I hope so. I guess I just feel sorry for myself in that ExH did all this to me, I am living a life of h#ll and he is having the life he wants. Very envious right now...

I couldn't agree more.

This thread is a phenomenal idea and the posts here have been equally excellent. The fatigue with being "blamed", emotional roller-coastering, hidden rage, desire for "justice", and slowness of recovery from such hurt and betrayal, described here ARE SENTIMENTS I KNOW FULL WELL TOO.

I'm sure that virtually all xBSs, especially those who never received any real 'closure', admission, acknowledgement, contrition, or repentance from their xWSs, experience ALL OF THESE THINGS and sadly WE OFTEN HAVE TO DO IT FOR YEARS.

All of us are in the same boat on this stuff...cold comfort, I know.

My thought is that I love the H I thought he was, the person I thought he was or wanted him to be. But if he were to come back to me like he is now, I wouldn't want him at all.....

Yeah ExH now, isn't who I M'd that's for sure...

Yup, the H I thought I had would never ever had treated his little boy the way he did...I never new he had it in him to be so selfish, I just dont know what happend...maybe it was the company he was keepin (as in OW)

Totally agree. ExH has disowned DD. Hasn't talked to her in a few years now...

Very sad...

In fact, the thought of him popping up and saying he now wants to work on the M scares the crap out of me! Life is peaceful right now. I feel for those living with WS's.....I did my time and it sucked big time!

Now, if he wants to become a man of integrity and upstanding character, that is a different story.

wow Cat....thank stinks. How old is your DD?

18