I'm in serious need of some help, guidance, opinion and most of all prayer. This is concerning one of my bestfriends, I've known her since middle school. Mind you, I'm gonna try to make a long story short.

I've been trying to console my friend, her husband had a 2 month affair and he is a Pastor as well. We've all been friends for years. The worst thing possible has happen to her and I don't know what else to do. Please be advise that she is aware that I am soliciting the help of the fishbowlers. She did not want to sign-up herself for fear of being known.

I've prayed with her, cried with her, given my opinion, and have been there from the moment she told me. She just simply can't get over it. So....here's what happen.

One morning she looked at her husband's cell phone and noticed that he had deleted all of his old text messages. She asked him why he had done that, and he told her no reason. However, she felt a little uncomfortable with that answer. She went on the internet and viewed their cell phone bill on line. What she found out shocked her. Her husband had sent 488 text messages to this one particular number, all in the month of August. She found out on September 1. She asked him about it and he denied it at first. She asked him if he had been cheating on her, and he finally admitted that he had. Here is his story.

The beginning of July, he had went to a Walmart about 30 mintues outside of the town that they lived in, he was in that town on business. He went into the walmart to purchase some vitamins. While on the vitamin isle, a woman came up and she began to look for vitamins. He struck up a conversation with her and was impressed with how much she knew about vitamins. So, he asked for her phone number. Long story short, a few days later, he begin texting and calling this woman. Their conversations begin to turn sexual. They decided to meet, get this, at the shopping plaza next to the walmart. He drove his car and she drover hers. He got into her car and they begin making out, before he actually penetrated her, the Lord spoke to him and he didn't do it. He left in a hurry, however he still continued to call and text this woman. Finally, they met again, and this time they actually had sex. They ended up having sex on a total of 2 different occassions. He met her three times, but the first time he didn't do it, but the other two he gave into his flesh.

The bad part about it all is, my friend manage to get details of the affair. So now she pictures them in her mind and it's taking a toll on her, her husband and even me. She tells me everyday pretty much that she sees them in the car having sex. Now her husband only spoke to the woman on the phone approx 4 times, most of their conversating was done via text.

Another problem she has is that her husband was texting this woman in their home. What's even more sad is that they workout at the gym faithfully. On 3 different ocassions, while she was on the treadmill, her husband was on his bluetooth in the gym talking to this woman. Then there was a time that she accompanied him to the golf course, and while he was golfing, she sat in the car. Mean while, her husband was talking to the woman while he was golfing.

Her husband doesn't even know this womans last name. He claims that the only thing he knows about her is; Her name, the color of her car, how she looks, she has 2 sons and the name of the high school she graduated from. He doesn't know where she lives, her last name, where she works, her hobbies, whether she's married or anything other then what I mentioned above. The only thing she knows about him supposedly is; his name, the make and model of his automobile and he may know the tag number being that it's a personalized plate, he attends the gym on a regular basis and he loves to golf. She doesn't know his last name or that he is a Pastor.

The church that they pastor is in a small community, and it is in it's beginning stages. However, her husband is HIGHLY respected in the community. They have 2 teenage kids and she doesn't want to break up her family. Her husband has apologized so many times until she says she can't count them. Other then this incident, he has been a wonderful husband, father and Pastor. They have been married for 21 years, and they never had this type of problem.

On a daily basis, she visions him with the other woman, when she ask her husband what there conversation was about in the texts, he claims he does not remember. He only remembers that texts that he sent one particular day when they were role playing, pretending that they had just met and were strangers. He said he used a condom, but doesn't remember what store he bought them from????? In spite of so many unanswered questions, she loves him and he says he loves her. He said it was lust and something that he just got caught up in by entertaining this woman. The day she found out, her husband text the woman and told her it was over. Her husband said he had been telling her that he couldn't keep doing this to his wife and he told this woman that he loved his wife.

I've given her all the help, suggestions, scriptures and opinions that I can. I don't know what else to do about her visions of them having sex, or her unanswered questions about the contents of the texts. Her husband seems to think that the woman will not try to find him or cause any problems, so far she hasn't. But whose to say that they wont run into each other or that she will find out who he is. They have built a wonderful life together, it's like they are at the peak and they've accomplished so much these past couple of years. They have more then they've ever had. Everybody is always compliment them on their marriage, how perfect it is and how happy they always seem to be. People love them. She wants to stay, but then she wants to leave because of her thoughts. She asked me if she should make verybody else happy and just stay. She wants her marriage, but the pain is unbearable.

It's like should she fight? I told her maybe the enemy knows what is about to happen with their ministry and is trying to stop them from going forth. It was a test and unfortunately he didn't pass this one. Ok, so what do you think? What else can I do?

This is affecting her in every area of her life. She had to take a leave of absence f rom her job. She cries daily, he apologizes daily and says it had nothing to do with her, it was simply he got lead away into his own lust. My husband and I have talked to them both and funny thing is, I really think he's sorry. Question is, how do they bounce back from this.

How does she build up her self esteem and stop visioning them in the backseat of the womans car. She says she has no closer because she never got to see the woman or confront her. She gained a few pounds over the years and the other woman is the size she use to be when her and her husband were married. Some moments she's fine, then out of nowhere, she'll think of it and it'll hit her. She continues to act as his wife, at home and at their church.

Help me help her. All I know left to do is pray. Her husband gave her his cell phone, he makes no moves without her, they've started praying together more and it's like their ministry is about to take off in a big way. Then all of a sudden this happens to her. I told her I would share her story to see if someone else have been through this situation and perhaps offer some words of encouragement. She wants me to tell her what she should do, she wants to stay, but the memories haunt her day and night. Soooooooo, I guess that's about it, what do you think?

I am sorry for what happened to your friend. Some vets will be on to help you. Have her read the articles and the book "surviving an Affair.

This man is a wayward. There are many question marks in his story. Why would he just happen to go to a Walmart 1/2 away? How convenient -- doesn't know her last name, where she lives, is she M? With over 400 text messages I think he would know her a little better. He needs to step back from his ministry and take care of his spouse. He is living a lie and needs to be accountable.

**edit**

The WH isn't being truthful. There's more. Is she still snooping to make sure it is over? Your friend isn't getting the full story.

She is lucky to have a friend like you. Tell her to post.

Bubbles why would you tell her that? If this story is in fact real, the BW needs support.

LL, first off, the visions are supposed to haunt her. This is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person. It is not going to go away overnight. Dr. Harley equates the trauma of adultery with that of physical assault, rape and the death of a child. She is looking at YEARS, not weeks, to recover.

Secondly, this is going to happen again if she keeps his secret. This man is unfit to pastor and his secret needs to be exposed to the church. He is a sick man who is under assault by the enemy, and keeping his secret enables that assualt and leaves him open for more. Keeping his secret also leaves his flock vulnerable to an unfit pastor. KEEPING THIS SECRET LEAVES HIM FREE TO DO THIS TO SOME OTHER MAN'S WIFE. IN HIS CHURCH. If it is known he has this weakness, then he can be watched and held accountable by others. But he has no business being in a position of authority over others when he is fallen.

It is very likely this woman is married and her own H does not know what has been done to him behind his back. I do not believe the pastor doesnt know her last name.

The pastor's wife does her husband NO FAVORS by keeping his secret because it allows him to evade the consequences of his actions. That keeps him sick and ensures he does not ever get better.

Here is my message to the pastors wife:

Ma'am, your husband is a sick man who needs your help to recover from this evil that has attacked him. Keeping his secret from the OW's husband and from the church flock prevents your H from ever getting free of this and from ever recovering. As long as this is kept secret, he remains free to abuse his position of authority in his church. Not to mention the damage done to the OW's husband. Everyone should know what your H has done. As he is now, he is a danger to his flock and is unfit to pastor. I doubt they would allow him to maintain his position if they knew what he had done.

My suggestion would be to get him to expose himself. Get the OW's last name along with her H's name and address. You can get her name on www.intelius.com with her cell phone #. GEt this information yourself FIRST. Go to your husband and tell him you will give him a chance to expose himself to the church board and to the OW's husband. Insist that you go with him to ensure he does it.

If he doesn't do it, then you will have to do it yourself. But, it has to be done. If you keep his secret for him, you become his accomplice.


11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

p.s. The fact that she doesn't know who the OW is, leaves her vulnerable to meetings with her.

The OW is probably a married woman in this church and the pastor is protecting her identity so her H doesn't find out. This leaves the door open for a resumption of the affair.

Find out who this woman is, LL. And expose this affair!

LL,

At the very least advise this OM to find that Womans husband and apologize. As a moral leader, especially one who claims to follow the Bible he needs to make amends. Don't allow him to rationalize that some else would have done it to her, he is in a in a position of public trust, nor should he cite Bill Clinton.

The OWs family has been wounded and while they might not even know it yet, over time the damage will manifest itself.

God Bless

NJ

Agree with Mel. I'd bet anything OW is in the church.

It happens like this: Some lady is dissatisfied with her marriage, compares her hubs unfavorably with nice guys her age who're active in the church & who by all appearances are (& may even be, for the time being) upstanding, God-fearing, family-men; and before you know it, the lady starts quietly unburdening her complaints about her marriage to one of these other guys, by way of seeking "counseling" -- and that's the tipping point: If the guy is solid, he'll immediately one-touch this lady over to a counseling operation without engaging her directly any further himself; but if he's got an unmet need of his own, such as a need to feel very important to someone (like, the lady, for instance), then LOOK OUT! There's now a huge temptation for him to indulge that need/desire. (Which doesn't make it right!)

I wasn't a clergyman, but I was serving on the singing team with a lady like this. And I was the guy like that. And, BAM, I forsook everything I knew was right, and ventured into a 10-week affair.

But that's all for background, because this is about your friend, not about me. If she wants to save her marriage, a few things (among others) have to happen:

--He has to reveal who the OW is. He knows. If she is ever to feel comfortable in her marriage again, he has to stop the lies and come clean re: whatever his wife asks him about.

--Once she knows who OW is, she needs to expose to the OW's husband & family, and perhaps to others. That's the surest way to kill the affair. (And until it's killed, recovery can't even start. An affair has an addiction aspect that will keep him thinking fondly of OW for weeks or months after contact is halted, and the recovery is set back every time contact is reestablished.)

--Your friend's husband has to institute a policy of verifiable "no contact" with this OW ever again.

--He has to resign his ministry now. In good conscience, there is no way he can serve as a moral leader for the indefinite future. This'll be humiliating, but if he wants to save his marriage, then his love for his wife will be stronger than his fear of humiliation, and he'll gather the strength to realize that his wife's pain & suffering are greater than his own & need to be his first priority.

This happened in a church I used to go to. The pastor got up in front of the church and admitted to what he had done, apoligized to his wife and to the church, and resigned.

I'm with Bubbles on this one. This pastor didn't just happen to meet this woman at Walmart and had S twice. There is more to this story than the reverend pastor is willing to admit. Waywards lie, lie, lie. On D-Day my supposedly honest husband of 15 years told me that he had met the woman in an airport and had only had S once. It took me calling the XOW to find out that they had met one year prior and had seen each other at least six times during that year. I also had to trick my DH into telling me who the XOW by telling him that someone knew about his A and was about to tell me. He told me who she was because he said that he didn't want me to find out from someone else. How gracious of him. I wish he would have thought about me when he was porking the skank. Anyway, I think you should encourage your friend to not hide her husband's A. We want to protect the love of our lives and shield them from embarrassment and do the work for them when they commit adultery but I have found that without them doing the work themselves they never actually find out why the A happened and how to avoid one in the future. A marriage CANNOT rebuild with constant lies and not knowing who the affair partner is. He must tell her who she is. Waywards also go through a fog and they tend to want to protect their partner in crime initially.

As for the visions. Those are hard. I still have some ocassionally but not as bad as before. For several months after D-Day it was really hard for me to have OS with my DH without picturing her doing it to him (sorry if TMI). I still get really sad thinking about what he did and how he was able to just do that without protection no less without thinking about me. Just tell her to not believe anything he says. Waywards become excellent liars and only about 1/10th of what they tell you is true at first. It is only when they are forced to tell the whole truth that they will. It took me threatening to call the XOW before my DH spilled all of the beans; and before this happened I had so much respect for him and thought he had an outstanding character. The hardest part for her after the initial shock is one day she will realize that the only person she can trust is herself and she will even sadden by the fact that she is M to a man who is capable of tearing her heart into a million little pieces and thinking that you don't have the right to know that he has found someone else to make him happy but wants to hold on to you just in case. Sorry, had a flashback for a moment. But tell her exposure is necessary.

If she has a personalized license plate then finding out who is she is, is easy peasy. I'm with the others though, the Rev. is not coming completely clean. Hiding this behavior from his congregation is also wrong, even if he has confessed to his wife. They TRUST him to be a LEADER. He's not.

Sorry Bubbles, just trying to tell the story in order to get some good advice.

Well they did talk to one of the leaders in their organization and he did sit out a couple of weeks. However, the decided to keep it a secret being that no one really knows her/other woman and she's not a member of their congregation.

LL, the pastor knows who the OW is and is lying about her identity. She is most likely a member of the congregation whose husband is being kept ignorant. Keeping this secret enables the pastor to pursue other women in his church. That is not in anyone's best interest, especially his.

Please encourage the pastors wife to find out the identity of the OW. That can be done via intelius or by hiring a PI. But she needs to find out who so she can expose the affair to her H.

Keeping this secret is dangerous to everyone, the pastor, his wife, the church, and most especially the OW's H.

Does the congregation know that this is a fallen, unrepentant pastor who is currently APOSTATE? As a church member, I have a RIGHT TO KNOW that there is a FOX in charge of the hen house. So do the other members. The men in the church need to protect their families from this pastor.

The fact that this affair has not been exposed to the congregation or the OW's husband reveals the truth, that he is not repentant. He has not made amends. He is hiding his secret and lying about the identity of the OW.

If she was a woman of the congregation or not, it is wrong. It is wrong for him to stand up there weekly and help other married couples in his ministry. He is living a lie. His wife is living a lie.

The only one who benefits from not telling his church is HIM.

Mysterious stranger, off chance meeting, swept away. It sounds like a cheap romance novel. I'm not buying his story.

The pastor is lying, LL. And keeping his secret is enabling his crime. Y'all are helping this man stay sick by acting as accessories to his crime.

This sounds fishy. What kind of leaders would stand for this? Sweeping it under the rug would be an indictment of their leadership. Anyway, point is, no truth = no marital recovery.

As a minister of the gospel, he is Biblically held to a high standard. If he is involved in adultery, he needs to be exposed. He has abused his calling; he is not fit for ministry possibly indefinitely, but definitely not until real repentance and restoration. His very office makes this a public sin.

Also, if this happens, your friend will need LOTS of support. The only disservice some churches do in this case is to "throw out the baby with the bath" and sort of cut off the BS too. She needs friends and prayers now more than ever.

Everyone was/is right. She found out who the other woman was. It is one of the new members of their church. My friend did more investagating. You'll be amazed how you can track a person/cell phone number down via the internet and a few dollars. She has even talked to the other woman. The OW is married and is seperated from her husband, but her and her husband are trying to get back together, so she's keeping her affair with the pastor a secret. The thing is, the OW still attends the church, says she's gonna stay because she truly likes the church and still believe that the Pastor is a man of God who just made a mistake, as she did. I'm thinking, how can you sit in a congregation knowing you've had an affair with the Pastor and his wife is in the same building every service. I think the Pastor and the OW is sick. Even though all of this has happen, my friend is not going to leave her husband, to much invested and they still love each other. She said she's going to fight and they are getting counseling. The OW apologized and says it was simply "sex" and whenever they met and had sex, as soon as he was done he'd just get up and leave her, the guilt and shame would hit him, thus making her feel used. That's when she said she knew he didn't love her or have any feelings for her, it was just sex. This is a big mess, I do admire her for wanting to keep her marriage, is that wrong? I mean after an affair and both parties want to fight for the relationship, is that wrong?