I was told to repost this here. Not sure where I belong. I know this may take a minute to tell story but I'll keep it as short as I can. Me and my wife met 10 years ago. We dated for over a year and broke up. She and I both took it hard and she got in touch with me again a couple months later. We were then married within the year. We have been married now going on 8 years. have a 12 y/o from her and a 3 y/o together. Both I love as sons.
A year into the marriage I became addicted and closed her out and was unaavailable for her emotionally, not all the time, for 4 years. When we had our youngest child, I changed. I have now been claen for almost 2 1/2 years, and have been there and available for her. But the past 2 years she has become more distant. We started counseling, but the counselor seemed to lead us on fixing things not important to our trust, intimacy, and relationship. Backview, she sufers from depression and has cut time to time since high school. She had a distant relationship wiht her dad. He wouldnt say he loved her and was very non affectionate, only bringing up discipline and problems when they talked.
She had a child out of wedlock and a bad marriage before we met. During the time before my addiction we started Church but my addiction stopped that. We were PTA parents, and the perfect look as a couple. I know all the things I did during those 4 years were wrong and I have attempted to repent all of it. I was distant, lied, unavailable for her emotionally, wouldnt go to bed with her, sex was almost nonexistant, I wasnt comforting and at times was very condescending and judgemental. All this from my lack of self worth and addiction. She told me several times during this phase that I was loosing her and I didnt listen. She wanted counseling but we never went.
All seemed to calm before our last child was born. After his birth we moved into a new home, our first, and supposedly started over. This was 2 1/2 years ago. A few months into the new home she became addicted to Xbox live, and had an online affair. After this we reconsiled began counseling and all seemed right for about a year. Then a year ago, she came to me and said she still loved me, but wasn't in love with me and had lost the wifey feelings. We began counseling again, and this time the counselor seemed to focus more on our movement to divorce and having my wife drop xboxlive, which had again became an addiction. She had me stop hugging and kissing wife and basically worked on non core problems. Well move forward as things started to deteriorate.
Three months ago she again said she asnt in love with me, we stopped having sex, as she said it made her feel wrong for having it and not being in love, she said she didnt know what to do and didnt feel she could ever love me again for the past, even though she claims to have forgiven me, she says she could never see us right again. She has since then shut me out totally emotionally. She says when we talk it makes her feel bad about herself for whats going on, and refuses to discuss anyhting about marriage. She no longer does any housework, cooking hardly, only rarely takes care of the kids in a mom like way, and gives me no time.
She has moved from xbox live to chatting with male friends on the internet, from whom Im sure shes getting leave him advice. Her best friend is recently divorced and is a not so moralistic person from who Im also sure shes getting bad advice. A month ago we were back in counseling and she said she wanted to seperate, I agred. But when she got home and we spoke to our oldest, she said she wanted to try again. Take into account that now for 2 1/2 years I have been available, and a good husband in the way she always asked me to be. So 3 good, I thought, weeks went by and she became more and more drawn to being online chatting.
Then I saw on her facebook, she had taken an online quiz for what do you need in a relationship. Her answer was passion and comfort, two things I have been desperately trying to give her for 2 1/2 years and she has refused much of the time, by saying she doesnt feel it. Well a male friend of hers online, who only has her on his friends list posted to it. "Didnt we just talk about this the other day?. You know what my results were, and remember Im here for you" I confronted her with it and she said she didnt know who it was at first, then admitted she lied to me and actually discusses her personal issues with alot of people on there. mostly men. She said he said it was meant for the comfort part.
She is emotionally fragile and when gets upset she has cut in the past. Later that night she went into the bathroom but took computer. I saw her online on yahoo, and asked her what she was doing. She said she was contacting a friend who old her to contact him if she felt like cutting. I was afraid she was doing it so went in the bathroom and she said, since you had to do that hers wedding rings. She hasnt worn them since sunday andwhen I asked about it she says. I dont want to talk about it.
I love this woman with all my heart and would spend the rest of my life making up for my mistakes, but she want let me in. She has said the reason she duidnt seperate and go to her grandmas is because she didnt want to seem to have abandoned the kids. I have started back church and attempting to move further along in being a good man and husband. But she cant see it. She has asked for a divorce, but when we try to talk about it or seperating she shuts down. Help I dont know where to go from here......Feel free to ask anything that would help you help me. Ill be very open to help. God bless and your help will be so appreciated. I also was advised to put a keystroke thing on her computer so I could know for sure if an emotional affair was happening. Is this a good idea? And how would I she uses a laptop that I dont know unlck code....
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fredwilma

Plan A is about meeting emotional needs and exposure.

Exposure of her extramarital communication is done at one time to all relevant family and friends.

Meeting her needs is about finding what they are and meeting them consistently. You need to avoid all lovebusters such emotional outbursts, independent behavior, disrespectful judgments. You need to learn to speak to her without argument or responding to argumentative behavior. She is fed up with you and you need to win her back.

Continue to read the articles here for detailed information.

I think, after reading your story, that your wife may be dealing with severe depression or some other psychological disorder. There are a lot of red flags in your story. You say she doesn't clean, doesn't cook, isn't being a mother to her kids. She has an addiction to online gaming. She has cut herself in the past and you fear that she may do so again. This doesn't sound like a mentally stable person.

I know you mentioned that you have been to counseling, but has your wife seen a psychiatrist? Have you spoken to a doctor about your concerns? I think your wife may need help, and addressing any of the other issues until she gets that help would probably be futile.

I try to meet her needs but she has closd me off. She says she doesnt trust letting me in, even though Ive been so here for her for 2 years. Even though she doesnt see that. How do you win someone back that wont give you the chance? Also wont it push someone over the edge to just leave by exposing extramarital communication? She stands firm it is only frineds. Hope none of these are stupid questions. Im just so lost.She tells me right now she wants me to leave her alone so she can find herself, that over the years she has lost herself being so wrapped up in me.

How do I go about this? She hasnt been to a psychiatrist, only been prescribed depression medicine by her female doctor. I totalluy agree alot of her issues come from some mental depression or other mental issue, but I dont know how to get her to get counseling for it. Anything I seem to ask her to do she wont, she sees it as me controling her I believe. Id love to get her family help, but the one she talks to most is her Mom. And her mom left her Dad 6 years ago for a man on the internet. So not a good base to help me there.

Hey Fred - I'm still praying for you. I'm in the same boat with family as my SIL supported the A from the beginning and my MIL justifies what he did. It all makes me sick. Maybe I just need a Divorce because I can't see staying related to a bunch of people so screwed up. Please keep praying for me, my situation and my WH.

Hi Fred:

I agree that it sounds as though she's depressed. Withdrawing from just about everything in life signals more than an affair, IMO.

But how do I get her to get help when she want see a true psychiatrist? Thats my delima.

Dont give up. If you know whats right with you and your husband can be. Keep faith in God and pray. Work on yourself and he will work on husband. I feel like you do sometimes if best it is over, and alot I read on here seems to be more on proving shes wrong then confronting, and I know in alot of situations that may be best.. But I feel like in some its not. I said a prayer for you this morning and will contim=nue to pray for you that God will work on your hubby as thats what he wants marriage to be.