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I understand your position on not disclosing, but if I ask for no fb, she won't be on PC anyway, so there will not be much of a point to monitor it. Aslo, BFF is actually giving her motivation to put all her effort back into the M. I believe BFF is friend of the M.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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I understand your position on not disclosing, but if I ask for no fb, she won't be on PC anyway, so there will not be much of a point to monitor it. Aslo, BFF is actually giving her motivation to put all her effort back into the M. I believe BFF is friend of the M. Don't put your hopes on any of this. 1.)FB isn't the only social networking site on the internet. She can hook up with him on another one. Also, you said she was talking via the PC with BFF. She has reasons to be on the computer. 2.) If she is telling her BFF about the encounter with OM she is probably getting support from the BFF for the A. WS have a tendency to take the A underground if someone(friend/relative) disapproves of it. Their tendency would be to NOT confide in that person.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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What to do now? I'm thinking of doing the following and would like some advice. I want complete honesty from my WW and I want to give her complete honesty. I will disclose that I am monitoring her PC use. I will tell that I know of all the breaks in NC (view fb pic, getting updates on OMs well-being from 3rd parties, and the above chat about phone contact). I will say that I NEED the complete truth about all past contact with OM. I will tell her that fb is not healthy to our R and as a condition of R I need her to delete the account. Also, should I do this in MC session?
Advice and thoughts are appreciated. Thanks! DO NOT disclose how you are getting your information! That will drive you WW underground and she'll figure out a way to work around how you're tracking her. You may want to tell her that you are aware of what's going on, without revealing your sources or tipping her off that it's related to the computer. Since she knows that you're aware of FB, I'd say to tell her exactly what you said - it's not healthy for your M and it has to go. Expect a squabble about that. Don't squabble back - but don't back down, either. You need to be protective of your M right now. She's obviously not protecting it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Nov 2009
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Can a keylogger be bought locally through a merchant or does it have to come from the website. I need so much to know for my own wellbeing and plan of action if more is going on with wife on net than she says. And what is price? Thank you.
fredwilma
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OP
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FW...keyloggers can be purchased and downloaded online. I've heard good things about Spector Pro ($99).
There are cheaper ones and free ones, but you get what you pay for.
Of course you need one that cannot be detected and one that captures both sides of chat...the better ones do this.
good luck....But, hey no highjacking my thread...LOL, joke.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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The problem is she has a laptop, that I dont have access to the log in. So Ive been told have to get a keycarbon, that plugs into back inside a back cover. This sound right?
fredwilma
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sounds right...but idk enough about it.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 23
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Are you and your wife reconsiling?
fredwilma
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Update:
Well, we had an "interesting" weekend. We go on a date...see a movie...go by the local brewery after for drinks. WW suggests we walk down to another bar/restaurant. We walk in the door and guess who we see...YEP, THE f***ING OM. It took me a few seconds (which seemed like minutes) to process the situation. I start to recognize him and then I notice he is wearing a nametag that clearly states his name. I am in complete shock. He is obviously unnerved as I am starring at him with what I can only imagine were eyes of fury. The moment was just completely surreal. Anyway, I felt like I'm in the Terminator movie...you know when he has the pop-down screen of possible reactions to a situation. My pop-down screen included: 1) Calmly walk over to OM and proceed to kick his [censored], 2) Lash out at him verbally and call him the POS !@#$ !@##$ $#@! that he is, or 3) Walk away.
Well, #1 would have satisfied my manhood (which has been reduced to zero lately), but I went with #3. I was livid. I couldn't talk to my WW the rest of that night. She was very upset too and said how sorry she was and that she didn't know he would be there. Strange thing is, I think she did know he would be there. This was OMs high school reunion and I know my WW knew about the reunion...sigh. But, why would she take me to a place that he would be at? She did look genuinely surprised and upset so maybe I'm reading too much into this. The date was actually going great before that...what a way to end.
Anyway, the next morning WW is very sorry, hugs me and is all teared up. Her apology did make me feel much better. It actually felt sincere and kinda like remorse...hell idk.
Next incident. I see from keylogger that WW says to BFF (day after above incident) something like: "I called OM and it did not go well. He is freaked out that (BS) is watching us. The phone died, but I (WW) don't think I'm going to call him again"
What to do now? I'm thinking of doing the following and would like some advice. I want complete honesty from my WW and I want to give her complete honesty. I will disclose that I am monitoring her PC use. I will tell that I know of all the breaks in NC (view fb pic, getting updates on OMs well-being from 3rd parties, and the above chat about phone contact). I will say that I NEED the complete truth about all past contact with OM. I will tell her that fb is not healthy to our R and as a condition of R I need her to delete the account. Also, should I do this in MC session?
Advice and thoughts are appreciated. Thanks! Your WW purposely went to that restaurant to see OM. The fact that she brought you there and then apologized and you went along with it confirms what I was already thinking, that she is treating you like a doormat....and you are letting her! Why did you not turn around and tell her you would not be staying there? This is a great example of why skipping exposure is not a good idea. Your WW has been held accountable by nobody for her A and she does not think there will be any consquences for her actions. Get your exposure plan together. Then think about your boundaries. Once you know what they are, then have a talk with your WW. One of them should be no FB and the next should be a NC letter.
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OP
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Why did you not turn around and tell her you would not be staying there? Sorry I was not clear...I did turn to WW and told her we were leaving NOW! This is a great example of why skipping exposure is not a good idea. Your WW has been held accountable by nobody for her A and she does not think there will be any consquences for her actions. As far as exposure, WWs mother does know. WW told her after we had a blowup. I have also spoken with WWs mother. I have a very good relationship with WWs mother and she is very much pro our marriage. She talks to WW regularly. Then think about your boundaries. Once you know what they are, then have a talk with your WW. One of them should be no FB and the next should be a NC letter. You are right. Again, I've been hesitant to confront WW about breaking NC b/c 1) things are getting better between us, 2) afraid of consequences of my spying/lying on R, 3) confronting WW will lead to exposing monitoring technique (keylogger). I have been a doormat! I don't know if WW has had direct contact w/ OM and I do monitor that closely (i.e phone, email, online chat), but WW is definitely breaking NC by viewing OMs pic and keeping in touch by 3rd parties. The 3rd party she gets info about OM does not know about A. Maybe, this is the person I should expose to.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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re exposure, how about your family, friends and your children?
re NC, you say she broke it thru 3rd parties, but didn't your keylogger show you that your WW talked to OM herself? I am confused...
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OP
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Yes, I did say that WW "said" she talked to OM: I see from keylogger that WW says to BFF (day after above incident) something like: "I called OM and it did not go well. He is freaked out that (BS) is watching us. The phone died, but I (WW) don't think I'm going to call him again" This was the first time I have had any evidence that she has had direct contact w/ OM. If I bring this up she will say that she was "testing" me to see if I was still monitoring her pc use. In answer to your question, yes, I do think they have been in contact, but I don't know for sure. I have access to all phones that I know of. If she is contacting him via phone it would have to be a disposable cell or something like that. Anyway, back to trying to figure out what to do here. Yes, I will ask her to delete fb account for the sake of our M and R. BTW, our MC has not backed me up on this point. I "demanded" she stop fb after dday, but relented after a month and MC thought that was OK. I also want the complete truth about her contact w/ OM. I'm struggling with how to go about this. 1) There will be a huge fight when I ask her to delete fb. What would I say that doesn't disclose keylogger. I mean w/o keylogger, I wouldn't know that she has broken any of our pre-set boundaries for her being on fb. 2) Broken NC - If I ask her to come clean and tell me the complete truth about broken NC and she gaslights me...what do I do? If I show her the evidence...again, I am giving up keylogger. I am really close to the end here. I feel like just saying "I know you have lied and deceived me and I need you to come clean now. If you don't come clean or I catch you in a lie or lie of ommission, that will be the end to our relationship...period." And yes, at this point I am ready to follow through with this. [Oh hell, If I was sure I could follow through with this I guess I wouldn't be asking for advice.] I desperately need advice on how to proceed.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Have you ever talked to OM yourself? Can you contact him and let him know(lie) WW admitted to you she has talked to him and ask him to stay out of your M? Then if he confirms your WW won't be able to gaslight you.
I would drop the MC. The stats for the success rate for MC is very low, I don't know the exact number but it has been posted here before. Can you call the Harleys? I know it is expensive but it is worth it.
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SusieQ....thank you so much for your responses. They help tremendously as I'm feeling crazy atm.
We think alike. I did send OM an email saying: So...what the f**k is goin on? You ARE still in contact with WW. Please tell me what you are trying to gain from this?
OMs response: What are you talking about? I have not contacted her at all like I've told you. I don't know what you are talking about.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 139
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Posts: 139 |
SP- have you tried a VAR in her car? It really sounds like they've been having more contact than you know of, they're just hiding it better. The lack of FS is also a huge red flag...
I would NOT confront her yet. Try the VAR and see if that gives you more.
The best advice I've seen given here about not giving up your spying sources and still confronting is to not ASK the WW about contact, but just tell her you KNOW of contact.
Let her wonder how you know, who's telling you... this is for when you do confront her. I'd still hold off for now though.
I really think there's been more contact than you're aware of; I'd even venture to guess this is an ongoing PA.
Me BS
H FWS
DDay 10/2007
Actively recovering, learning, loving, earning a better marriage!
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I really don't know how there could be an ongoing PA for many reasons: WW takes care of 4 kids, she only has 2 hours/day to herself, OM works during day. Of course anything is possible i guess. Of course an ongoing EA seems likely at this point.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 139
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Doesn't really matter, does it, whether it's EA or PA, both are destructive to a M.
Since she's a SAHM, I'd try the VAR in the room of the house she usually talks on the phone in, and/or, there are recording devices you can hook up to your landline to monitor her that way.
I still wouldn't confront her yet; there's more to the story and the last thing you want is for her to go even deeper underground.
Me BS
H FWS
DDay 10/2007
Actively recovering, learning, loving, earning a better marriage!
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I really don't know how there could be an ongoing PA for many reasons: WW takes care of 4 kids, she only has 2 hours/day to herself, OM works during day. Of course anything is possible i guess. Of course an ongoing EA seems likely at this point. Where there's a will...
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I've been thinking about our "date night incident". I think my WW used me to get a stir out of OM. I think things have cooled between them and she wanted to make OM jealous...hell IDK. Anyway, I'm just so much closer to the D card now.
I'll have a little more info soon and I will confront my WW. If she wants OM...just get the f out and put me out of my misery. I don't want a wife that doesn't love me or is not committed to regain that love. I'm am just about done.
BH (me), 41
WW, 40
EA/PA
married 14 yrs, together 19
D-day 6/10/09
My bunch: D12, S10, D7, D5
former user name: Just Crushed
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Did you find out any more info? Did you end up using a VAR?
There was another poster a while back, your sitch reminds me of his, his WW had an email affair. I can link his thread if you are interested in reading it.
Last edited by SusieQ; 11/12/09 07:12 AM.
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