I posted my story on here before the now infamous crash and I thought it was time to post it again as things have moved on.

A short recap.

Been together 7 years and married 3.5.

3 July last time trying for a baby

29 July wife sent me an email saying she wants to fight for us and our marriage and she is worried about me and my "dark days" (I had depression that I now realise was because of the relationship - since we have separated it lifted almost immediately).

2 August wife announced that we were separating for a 6 months trial. We'd been having problems for around the last year. 29 July she sent me an email (the MC said we should do that to save emotion) saying she wanted to fight for the M and was worried about me).

6 September I found she was having an EA with another man (by text / phone).

7 September she moves out into a new house that her dad bought for her 500 yards from my house.

5 October we have the 'there is no future for us anymore' talk.

10 October OM moves in with her.

3 November I have my solicitor send her a separation agreement to settle financial matters in the event of a divorce.

I have a D which is my W's step-D. I have been trying to maintain contact between them for a while now and it's been working. Recently my D's mother (from another previous relationship) offered to facilitate contact between my W and my D without me. I went ballistic, it was stopped but my W said a few nasty things about me and a few concerning things such as that my D would HAVE to one day meet the OM (bear in mind this ISN'T her D, but her step-D) and could her and the OM come around and discuss the situation with my D ...

The OM has been here for around 4 weeks now. If I understand the situation correctly he has had 2-3 cold feet episodes already (including posting on his Facebook page that he thinks he made a huge mistake the week after getting here. OM smokes - W is allergic to smoke. He is 11 years older than my W. He has abandoned his 2 children that he apparently does not get to see and my W wants to have children - in fact one of the things she admired about me was the way I fought for my D for 7 years to see her.

To top it all, they were in the local garage getting my W's car looked at last week, the day after I told the garage owner about our split (as he would need to know not to send her bills to me). He said my W was trying to be around the OM and flirting and that he just didn't seem interested. The OM also came in for his own car, on his own, the next day and the garage owner said he looked very unhappy.

When my W comes over to see my D, I was usually around. The last two visits I've been out of the way because she thinks I am controlling her and I also cannot deal with her anymore. She is trying to be nice to me, I am trying to be nice to her and I just think - WHY? This woman cheated on me. Broke my family up. Moved out. Moved her OM in and she wants me to be nice to her?

When she came over on Saturday 7 November my D told her we were going out to a bonfire with one of daddy's friends and HER little girl. Later on, out of the blue my W asked my D if I was going out with a female friend she knows and my D said no. That shows me that there is MAYBE still a little tiny bit of curiosity left. On this day she also asked me something about her laptop to which I told her she would have to do herself as her laptop has nothing to do with me ... she went into a huff the rest of the day.

In conversations with other people it's been clear that the OM moved in so quickly as my W hated being on her own in her new house. I believe she is desperately clinging to this guy as she has nobody else to cling to. She told him initially that I beat her. Only when I spoke to him did he realise that was nonsense. He claimed to also had stopped contact with her at that point. She has told others several different stories as to the breakup and to add insult to injury announced to her workplace that she had a new boyfriend before she told me. In fact she only officially told me a week ago.

Her parents support her as do her extended family. None of them have contacted me and I believe they actually blame me for everything. Some of the nasty texts that I read going between W and MIL were ridiculous including saying I was bi-polar!

After my W left I did chase her with a 33 page love letter admitting my mistakes in the M, flowers, nice texts, etc. She said she wanted space and I didn't give it to her but in hindsight she already had her plans. I was needy, pleading, begging etc. All the usual stuff that us BS do.

My plan at the moment is to go dark and stop contact with her and my D and get on with my life. This will either break the marriage completely, as I suspect it will as I think she would welcome that complete break of contact to get on with OM. Contact between us before the OM appeared was almost daily by text. Since he arrived it has disappeared.

Comments / suggestions?

What kind of exposure did you do?

Does the D live with her? I'm confused.

How long have you been married?

End all contact between your DD and WW. Does DD know about the A?

Plan B WW.

If possible move away from WW. 500 yards is to close.

No the D is my D. It's her step-D. The D is mine from a previous relationship.

Exposure .... I didn't do much of it. I did it to family members who simply didn't believe me. I did it to my family. I did it to her work colleagues through another work colleague and they didn't believe him either.

My W has a very good and princess-like rep at work and in general. Nobody would believe (including me initially) that she would do such a thing. Now it's all out there is no more exposure to be had. She is openly flaunting him.

I never put that in the original post! If I can edit it I will.

3.5 years married and 7 years together.



I am building up to ending all contact shortly. I have already tried and failed miserably. I am building up my strength to do it over the next few weeks.

There was a period of around 10 days when there was no contact from W at all (I texted her twice but had no reply) and I felt I was actually getting on much better. That taught me that ultimately I needed to stop all contact between her and me.

I think the stopping of contact will be what she wants to be honest which scares the hell out of me. Although it's not about her, it's for me.


I can't move just yet. I have told her several times that if I had one wish it is that she moved back to where she came from (300 miles away). The town we live in is where me and my D live, not her.

I have read about Plan B letters (and I cannot find them). I actually have a speech that I was thinking about giving her:

"
I will no longer accept your A and continue to keep quiet about the damage it has done to our marriage and our family.

It is unfair to continue to give D false hope of us being a loving family again and she has recently expressed anger and resentment to me about you and OM breaking apart our family. D has been greatly affected by this and she hasn't begun yet to talk about how she really feels. However I am worried that while you have contact with her and the A continues she will continue to feel further confused and angry about you and OM. D does love you, that is clear, but she is only 8 and I don't believe she can easily express or understand her feelings of love on one hand and anger and resentment on the other. To allow her to continue to feel like this will be to her detriment. You chose to give up the responsibility to be D's step-mum and I now realise how unfair it is on D for you to continue in that role.

I have been thinking about all of this and I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconcilliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage. The first one I can't discuss while you have invited a third person into our marriage and the second one is best left to solicitors I think. In the meantime I will move on with my life without you.
"

First off, I would remove your DD from this immoral situation entirely. Unless you want your W to teach her that being an adulterous skank is ok. Hopefully, you have told your DD what adultery is and given her moral guidance against it. But she should not be exposed to your W's filthy affair. That connotes endorsement and will cause her to grow up morally confused.

See, I don't think you are right in your belief that cutting off contact will end your marriage. I think cutting off contact will end her affair much sooner. Do you have His Needs, Her Needs? In the chapter about infidelity, Dr Harley explains how going into Plan B can sometimes have the effect of ending the affair. His reasoning goes like this: the OP meets 1-2 top needs of the WS and the BS meets 3-4. When contact between the WS and the BS is ended, it causes conflict in the affair because the OP cannot rise to the challenge to meet those other 3-4 needs. That is when the fighting starts because the bar has been raised on the OP, but both partners are very selfish, thoughtless people so the OP is not willing to do more. This is usually when affairs crumble.

On the other hand, if you continue contact with her, she gets her FIX, which in a weird way, props up the affair. She has no motivation to end her affair with 2 men meeting her needs.

Have you exposed the affair wide and far?

Perry, Plan B needs to be begun with a letter. She won't remember a word you say to her so she needs a LETTER so she can read it as the fog wears off. Nor should you do it in person, because Plan B is ending contact, not starting a dialogue or a debate.

Secondly, the above is not a plan B letter but a pack of lovebusters. Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? The plan B letter is in there.

Do you know what, that's exactly what I have thought all along. Everything so far has been so nice and happy about things. I have tried to keep contact with my D. She comes along, sees my D and we chit chat and I just feel at the end of it ... wait a damn second, you're having an adulterous affair, the OM has moved in with you and I am being nice to you. WTF?!?! Have I lost my mind or am I missing something here. I may NOT have been a great husband but I have tried to save our marriage. We went into MC in April this year and it actually worked for a while but she said that she was 'papering over the cracks' ... now I realise that what she was in fact doing was papering over my face so that I couldn't see the OM!


I do but I didn't read it because it was about building an affair proof marriage ... obiouvsly I came past that. I will read it tomorrow.


I have read something similar to what you said ... what I read was that when contact is removed there is a void that cannot be filled by the OP no matter what he tries. I assume the void, although it wasn't explained, is full of shared memories, time and love which is something the OP can never fill.

If what you say about the OP not doing more is correct, and if my information about the OP is correct about him having second thoughts then it really does pound the hammer into that coffin. I know every sitch is different but I hope that is the case.


Yes, cake eating. She knows I love her and regardless of what I have said (I have told her than I would never take her back but she knows my actions speak different words) she has two men fighting over her. If I look at this from my point of view ... I would LOVE two women to fight over me - who wouldn't ....

While I continue contact she has her cake (my D) and eating it (my D and her OM). She really has everything she wants.

One of the motivators for me in ending contact is for her to realise that there are consequences to her actions. So far she has none of those consequences - she has me who loves her (event hough I act like I don't she knows I do - she aint stupid), she has my D who loves her and she has the OM who wants / loves/ has sex with her. What a great worls to be in if you weren't married eh?



She has done that already. She is flaunting the man in her work and elsewhere. The only place I haven;t seen it flaunted is with one of her union bosses (she is a union rep as was the OM) although I don't think that would make a difference.

Everybody seems to know about the OM and I'm not sure how people feel to be honest. I actually think she has overestimated her reputation as far as that is concerned but I could be wrong. Somebody said to me that married women, in particular, will avoid her as somebody not to be trusted. That was a man who said that though!


Bear in mind this is new to me.

So I should send her the letter and actually not speak to her about it?

pquote]
Secondly, the above is not a plan B letter but a pack of lovebusters. Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? The plan B letter is in there.
[/quote]

I don't have it. I have however just bought it from Amazon within the last few minutes.

Ok, so this means the affair has not been exposed. What has happened is that your WIFE has been given the freedom to SPIN THE TRUTH. Exposure means getting the TRUTH out to everyone. Your wife has told people this:

"Perry and I decided to go our separate ways quite some time ago. In the meantime, I met a wonderful new man and he has moved in with me!!"

See? Nice and neat and socially acceptable to most, right?

The true version is:

"WW began an adulterous affair with JoeScumBag and abandoned our marriage for her adultery."

People react very differently to the TRUTH. What you describe above is NOT exposure AT ALL. It is just a WAYWARD who was given the freedom to spin the truth since you didn't expose the affair.

Exposure is your greatest weapon against the affair and you haven't shot that weapon yet.


You should NEVER speak to her about it. Plan B is a complete and total separation. It means no contact whatsoever until she ends her affair and commits to a plan of recovery. It is a goodbye letter. I would suggest you read up on this before you go into Plan B. Going into Plan B unprepared is a DISASTER.


great!

Perry, are you a foreigner???

I have to laugh at my naivety. She has done as you suggested ... at least in so much as she has told people lots of different stories. None of the ones I have heard have been true.

What do I need to do in order to expose it further. Again, bear in mind that a) I'm new to this and b) I thought the affair and been exposed far and wide.

I am a bit open mouthed to be honest. I never actually saw that at all. So I should speak to everybody far and wide about what my W has done.


We have arranged contact at the moment.


Okay. Plan B was scheduled for the end of the month (when her arranged contact ends anyway) so I have time to get the book and read it. As I said I have immediately ordered it from Amazon.

In the sense that I am not from the US ... yes. I am from the UK (Scotland in fact where most Americans come from LOL).

The OM is actually a member of this Facebook group - I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE THAT TELL LIES, AND THAT ARE GENERALLY DISHONEST (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=92988860129&v=wall&ref=search) ... I have to laugh out loud. I have joined the group. Maybe I should expose the A on there.

I would make up a list of close friends and family and any other key targets and sit down and call them in one day. Good targets are parents, his and hers. Is the OM married? If so, his wife should be told. I would also expose to all his friends on facebook.

When you make the phone call to family and friends, tell them that your wife is having an adulterous affair and left you for Joe Scumbag. Tell them you are heartbroken and are trying to save your marriage and [REAL IMPORTANT---->] ask for their advice! With OM and WS's friends on facebook, tell them about the adultery and ask them to use their influence in persuading WS and OM to end their adulterous affair.

Is this a workplace affair?

All the exposures should be done on the same day so it has a tsunami effect and so you can get back to the business of saving your marriage.


I am not sure what you mean here? What I meant by my comment is that you should never discuss plan B with her. It should be a complete surprise and it is begun with a letter. After the letter is delivered, there should be no contact.


What is "arranged" contact?

I suppose you Scottish foreigners are ok. You play good bagpipes! You might get beat up wearing those skirts in Texas, tho!!

"I would make up a list of close friends and family and any other key targets and sit down and call them in one day. Good targets are parents, his and hers. Is the OM married? If so, his wife should be told. I would also expose to all his friends on facebook. "

You got some good advice here. Get moving on it fast.

This is not the time to be thrifty with your actions!

Family and close friends already know about the A. I told them before he moved in but none of them believed me or anybody else I told to pass it on. Family I don't think actually care. MIL has had two affairs in her life and moved on with the new man each time so WW is simply following in her footsteps. It seems to be a family trait.

No member of W's family has actually contacted me at all to see how I'm doing or how my step-D is doing.


They DID both work for the same company (although in different places - OM moved from an island over to here) but he has now left his job and is stay with my W and still, as far as I know (and I know little now as I asked people to stop telling me) jobless.


I arranged for her to have contact with my D (her step-D). The last date we agreed upon was 23 November.


Okay.

I have reservations about doing this after it's all been exposed anyway - then again, if it's all been exposed what is the harm in telling more people the truth? I'm sure everybody has reservations. Mine are wondering if this will not simply push her further away because of the increased pressure it will put upon them. I suppose the book will explain it all to me (when it arrives).

I have already contacted one of his friends as I accidently tried to add her as a friend on FB (didn't know she was a friend of OM's when I did it).

One of the things BSs repeat over and over and over. And guess what? Half the time, they are wrong! NO one wants their child to be thought of badly, whether they support their child's decision or not. The disappointment WILL trickle down. Trust me.

The NUMBER ONE objection all BSs give - won't it make him/her hate me and leave me for good?

Answer: No. Your marriage can survive your spouse's anger. It cannot survive a third person.