I would have included in the response to OW, "Please understand, that while I feel you are sincere in this apology, ANY contact with my husband makes this apology meaningless and blatantly insincere. Please change your contact information and close your email account if you truly care about my family."

I feel comfortable about what I wrote. OW had sent an email the day before stating that she never wanted to hear from either of us again. H used her work email and would always be able to find it, if he chooses.

OWH called H a couple of nights ago, understandably angry. OWH said if H wants OW, he can have her. OWH is tired of her past and present lying. Her email to me came after that phone conversation. Although I think she was sincere when she wrote the email, I have no illusions about anything she might or might not do in the future. She has had multiple A's. And maybe she is working on herself or maybe it is all show for her H. In any case, I wrote what I wrote for me, not her. Make sense?

AM

Hello AM,
I've never posted to you before but wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from.
I too just experienced a false recovery but I am feeling everyday more and more able to be by myself, if that's what will result. My moments of panic are lessening and my neediness as well. I understand that even though I exposed and the OW told my H that it was over, it wasn't over for him and until HE decides that it's over, it really makes no difference if she or her H try to put pressure on the A.
I am certain that much of what has transpired is due to a lot of emotional baggage that I don't feel either you or I can affect change for our H's. It's their journey and all we can do is be the kind of wife that they want and need, and take the best care of ourselves.
I'm also feeling I cannot do Plan B. My H feels so defeated and powerless, he's likely to simply walk away as he doesn't have any fight in him at the moment. If your H is feeling beaten, I feel Plan B might cause him to succumb to giving up.
I am listening very attentively to my inner compass and what God is telling me deep inside. I hope you to have such a voice to listen to.
I have surrendered my H and my M to God. I do whatever it is I can, to the best of my ability. I am now feeling that almost 1 year of separation, I can make it if I have to.
I would rather reconcile this marriage, but I also know that there is much that has to occur within him and me individually to allow for such changes to take root and to be sustainable.
I support how you feel about your response to the OW.
I have considered recontacting the OW and her H too, but feel that my battle isn't with them...it lies with my H and his inner turmoil. I did the exposure thing..it worked for a while, but at the end of the day, if they contact each other, it's because it's not over for them yet and it needs to play itself out. I don't want an artificial recovery..I certainly don't want to revisit this in the future, if we're still married. So I'd best trust God and let HIM deal with all the forces of the universe to affect the outcome. I'll do what I can but I really don't feel that revisiting the exposure thing will make a sustainable difference at this point.
Stay on course AM. I am proud of your determination and your fearlessness. This speaks loudly. Stay true to yourself and what you know is right. No one else is walking your path. Only God is walking alongside of you.
Blessings,
W

Warrioress,

You expressed exactly what I am feeling and thinking. I too have given this over to G-d. I pray for H's healing because the battle is within my H. I can't change it; I can't force it one way or another. It was a great feeling of peace when I did this. I am not afraid anymore; I feel confident that my life will be a wonderful one, with or without H.

I was struck by this insightful poster on the wall in the high school:

Watch your thoughts for they become your words.
Watch your words for they become your actions.
Watch your actions for they become your habits.
Watch your habits for they become your character.
Watch your character for it becomes your destiny.

written by Frank Outlaw

Yes, I have seen this before. I am reading an incredible book. You may want to look into it. It's helped me immensely. It's called, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy. Another that I just started is You Are What You Think by David Stoop. Both refer to scripture as a basis for their messages. I have found that I can stay focused on the positive and convey only positive messages in effort to surround myself with positive outcomes.
One of the concerns I have seen is the level of ill-will that betrayed spouses have for their WHs and the OW. I believe that if you put out negative energy and wish them retribution, you shall also bring that upon yourself.
Whatever happens, once I work through the anger, I intend to let it go and ask God to heal them. I believe that they are very miserable and have wrought so much grief and pain to those around them that they are filled with self-loathing and deprication. Praying for their healing and the healing of the OW and OWH marriage would ensue a healing for me, one way or the other.
I am trying to take the high road and both of these books help guide such thoughts.
You may find them empowering.
I know one thing, the road is long and winding and I expect I'll be walking it for a while. I need all the guidance and spiritual support I can get.
We are all spiritual beings living in a human condition.
Take care,
W

Oh wow, I am crying so hard that I don't know if I can even type this. This morning something mysterious and amazing happened. I have been praying very hard for guidance about what to do; to say the right words; to think the right thoughts; to know God's plan for me.

This morning, I got on the computer, did the usual emails check, read a bunch a jokes from my friends, cleaned up the inbox, etc; checked MB, etc. Then I did a search on divorce. I have an appointment with an attorney Wed. In any case, there were several things stored in the computer history and when I clicked on the next page, out of nowhere the song duet "Somewhere Out There" by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram started playing over and over. I went back and did this a couple of times. This is not a song on our computer, not one I have been thinking about, or even one that I really remembered.

I went to a music site to look up the lyrics. After I did that, I clicked on play a random song and Kanye West's "Supernova" started to play. After that song, I clicked for another random song and got "Somewhere Out There" again.

Here are the lyrics.
Somewhere Out There duet Linda Ronstadt � James Ingram

Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale blue night,
Someone�s thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
Someone�s saying a prayer,
Then we�ll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

(Chorus 1)
And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star,
And when the night will start to sing
A lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we�re sleeping underneath the
Same big sky.

(Chorus 2)
Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
Then, we�ll be together,
Somewhere out there, out where dreams, come true.

In the past, I have experienced miracles in my life. Even in/after the A, there have been times when God's hand was directly on H and me (but then we kept messing it up). I think I may have posted a couple of instances on Hope's thread and maybe some other places. I don't know if those are among the posts that have been lost.

Right now, I don't know what to make of this - only that it is mysterious and amazing and warms my heart.


AM

Just caught up

ANd again - another co[ple of posts since my hug.

Not sure whether you were following my encounters before everything disappeared.

It certainly seems that when you open up and listen a message of reassurance or guidance is there for us

I am amazed by your strength. You continue to be my "point man" in many ways. If you can handle what you are going through with such dignity, I can handle this upcoming d-day without falling apart. Many hugs.
GY

Armymama,
As someone else said, my gut dropped when I read the title of this thread. I've just caught up with your sitch ..... I am so sorry for this horrible turn in your R.

Your strength is admirable. You are in good company with that one, there are many strong women here.
My sitch has been no where close to theirs but I have gained strength through their words, and yours.

And thats' the spirit of G-d working in your life. Sometimes he just NEEDS us to KNOW that he is THERE....Protecting us.

(((((((((AM)))))))))

AM, this is what I call a "Godwink." Essentially, it's God winking at you to let you know that He's there, paying attention to you and nurturing you. It's one of those healing moments that you've been praying for. It arrived, just like you knew it would. Don't doubt it for a minute. Cling to it with gratitude. You know down deep in your heart what it means...there's no reason for you to question it...the answer is already there. Trust it.
You are definitely on the right path...stay the course. Keep praying and stay true.
Blessings,
W

AM,

First, let me just say how terribly sorry I am for what you are currently going through...

Next, I hope that I am just misreading your above post, but are you saying that those songs came from your computer's history? Or is it possible that they did? It pains me a lot to make this post, and I debated about not saying anything, but I reasoned that truth/reality is always best...My fear is that those songs were in your computer's history because of WH's listening to them as he might feel they pertain to OW/the affair - Which is GAG ME information to share for certain, but sadly since I myself am a FWS, I know all too well how immature and ridiculous that waywards are regarding songs and the OP...How they listen to the same ones over and over to continue to bath themselves in the sick fantasy...So when I see the words to "Somewhere Out There" mentioned in relation to a situation with a WS, well, I just have a different take on it...Additionally, in light of what has gone on in your recent history with WH, the lyrics to Supernova have a major wayward ring to them...Here they are:


Gosh, I really do hate to rain on any good feelings that you are having right now - or take away the feeling of a Godly miracle...Still could be considered Godly though, as I am certain that God wants your eyes wide open to the truth of what you are facing - being armed with the truth is the BEST thing for any of us...

Again, I hope I have misunderstood your post, and I apologize if I've upset you in any way...AM, you will remain in my prayers...(((((AM)))))

Mrs. W

A few weeks back, I was so upset that I was contemplating a semi B even though Steve had told me that this would not work. Driving to work, I caught up with a lorry owned by a famous UK department store. It was displaying it's latest advertising slogan, which I hadn't seen before. The slogan is:

Plan A........ Because there is no Plan B

Spooky or what?

AM,

Another thing I wanted to mention...I've noticed a couple of times you have suggested that you want your WH to be in charge of setting up an intermediary - ACK! Am I the only one that sees this as a bad idea? Having an intermediary is about protecting YOU from hurt and wayward drama - it is a boundary of yours - boundaries are like fences that we build to protect ourselves - I think it very unwise to trust a WH to do any protecting of you, KWIM? Finding and putting an IM in place needs to be done by you, imo...It is for your protection, and I think that you are the most qualified to make decisions regarding that...Wouldn't you agree?

Mrs. W

To follow on what Mrs. W said, here is an old MB post on boundaries:

A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.
Mulan

Sorry to read the latest am. Not much to add other than another

This post meant a lot to me when you posted it on my thread. Thanks Mulan. You helped me build my castle walls and now my H is the one begging me to recover. You will be fine AM, with or without your H. I discovered that about myself when I moved to plan B/D. Now that I know I can do fine on my own, I dont feel like I can take H back so easily.