Yes it will happen in G-ds time and HIS timing will be perfect.

What AZman said, is he right? Do you embroil yourself in a cloud of doubt? If so, you know that's not working for you, correct?

So what does deciding that your mission is to settle things and go from there feel like for you? Freedom? Purpose....

More at peace, knowing that you are learning so much about yourself because of the risks you take and what you are learning, experiencing, and about who you are becoming?

when I am under lots of pressure like this, to get my son to a 'safe' place, yes, I become negative and fret over those things I cannot control. That is where faith is supposed to come in. Sometimes, it just takes me a little while to let go of what I cannot control and move forward.

Job market = no control
Dad's drinking = no control
The Z's train of thought and lack of action = no control.

What I can do is look for a place for me and DS. What I can do is take the Z to court, if necessary, to ensure a better future for me and DS. What I can do is dream and work toward that. I will get back to where I want to be. I cannot control everything about when that will happen.

Deciding to work on what I can does give me freedom from all of those things I cannot control.
I rushed into the move, somewhat, considering I had not settled here, and know that I have a job to do. IT hurts to feel the consequences of the mistake, but it's necessary to get me to close the door on the divorce.

I find myself very much in love with AZman now. Don't know what the future holds for us. Hopefully, we will be together someday. One thing at a time, though. Gotta focus on DS and stability.

Silent:

I take issue with this:


Consequences of the Mistake? Which one?

Moving to AZ was NOT, and NEVER will be a mistake. The Uni's decision to hire you, to mislead you into thinking it was a permenant position, was a mistake, ON THIER PART, not yours.

You lined up your ducks. Took care of them. And they pulled the plug on you.

Stop the stinken-thinkin'

Not wrapping up the divorce? Well. If we all had to live by the timeline of the wayward, we would never get anything accomplished would we?

IT was time to go. And opportunity appeared, from AZMan to Uni work, to a good school for DS. Everything lined up. That's Karma. Good karma. So you took the chance. Factors beyond your control went arwy.

If you were working along in AZ, dating AZMan, and DS doing well, you would still be resolving issues with your divorce. But you would be doing it from the point of view that the Z is still dragging his feet, but the rest of your life is great. Now, the rest of your life is in limbo, and the lack of agreement regarding the divorce is weighing more heavily.

Sorry that your father is a drunk. BTDT. I would not have ever wanted my DS exposed to that. But its a phase.

This too, shall pass.

LG

LG, it is very difficult to not see this as some punishment. I mean, everything just went THUMP when I lost that job. With the settlement, I would have have oodles more time to find a job. I am uber PO'd with UofA, with the PI I worked for. I got no help from them, but I did get a bill for my parking pass, which I didn't even get a chance to use. What a mess.

I still want to move out there. I will have to be more flexible in terms of where I live and the career path that I take.

AZman says all of the things you've said to me. My sis concurs, and my dad is just livid with the Z. Life sure did throw me a curve ball.

Hi SL,



I would like to pre-requisite my inquiry with the following: I have not been able to follow threads in a timely manner (and 'lost' catching up opportunity with 'loss' of posts on MB Board)

...but I seem to sense that Z is ...dragging his feet with settlement?

Has a Court date been set for divorce?

A very very short update would be appreciate, SL, when you can, just to be in the loop again with your situation.

You're getting lots of great advice. Sounds like a good time to get 'centered' again, reviewing your priorities...

and get back on that horse...again

SL

Hey Luna,
The divorce was final on April 9th. The settlement was talked about at that time. The Z was to move into the house, get settled, work out the times he wanted to fly DS back in the coming months and then work on the settlement.

I had been looking for a job out in AZ since before the divorce, and a job just FELL into my lap. It was a seemingly stable position, in a lab that I was told has PLENTY of funding, and the research results ready to get even more funding . I thought it was a good opportunity for me to slow the pace of my life down, move to a place I've always wanted to and start anew. Then the job was no more. I got the boot due to lack of funding Couldn't find a job doing even part time work, in the most menial of positions.

So, I moved back here to have a job to support my son and me. LG is right, poo happens, and I am rollin in it right now.

Things get better in my head every day. I just have anger to deal with. THat whole 'life ain't fair' stuff. LEmme know if I missed something, Luna

BTW, you guys are the greatest support, and it is much appreciated.

Thanks for the update SL,



...I know what you mean! Am on a slight rollercoaster of sorts myself



Just wondering though, do you still have anything outstanding to settle with Z?

How much 'contact' with Z do you have over DS?



SL

SL,

You made a comment in another post that the Z was dumbfounded when your dad told him that you would never come back. Is he wanting to restore the marriage? Is that why he is stalling?
He's a little late to the party if that's the case.

Keep hanging in there girl, because I just have a feeling that something is going to break through for you soon.

I have the house settlement to deal with the Z. He never settled on my half of the equity. I saw the Z yesterday, at DS's parent teacher conference, but other than that, I don't see him much at all. There are a few texts regarding logistical stuff, but I don't talk otherwise. The lifelong Plan B is in effect. I can't NOT see him at all, due to young childs functions, but I keep my distance.

I don't think he knows WHAT he wants. I think he was just under the impression that I tried to save the marriage, so I MUST love him still. Nope. Not anymore. All gone. Too late fo sho! He's delusional, Chai. When they remain in the fog, I think they all are. I don't even make eye contact with him anymore. Bleh...

As for the pity party, I'm beginning to extract my own head from my nethers. Got to get things in order and then just let the rest play out over time.

My main focus is to just get settled in my own place, where I have some semblance of control over the schedule and such. DS needs it. His teacher mentioned that he was disorganized. I said it's partly because we are in flux and I am disorganized, which I usually am not.

Doing better with every passing day, with friends like y'all helping me see how hard I'm being on myself for no reason. I lost a job, poo happens. Time to get right back up on that horsey...

Much love to you all. I'll keep you updated. I found a cute townhouse not far from where the Z lives IN DS's school district, so he can get the bus from my house. It would help a lot. I just need to see what else is around. There is a small, older house for about $100 less a month, but old houses tend to eat up the utilities, so we'll see.

Funny, they say the WS comes around at about the time the BS decides to move on. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they think we will always love them. I remember my old boss telling me once that his ex remarried but he knew that she would still really rather be with him (he left her for and married the OW). I bet his ex didn't feel that way by the time she remarried. She probably hated him by that time.

Anywho, you are doing good. You've got your plan together and you are working it. Hey, I have been laid off 3 times over the years, and things really do have a way of working themselves out.

I love my townhouse condo. The best part is that I don't have to do much of anything. I come home and my grass is cut, gutters cleaned, mulch put down, deck restained, sidewalks cleaned, etc. If I could just get the windows done I would be happier. Old houses are charming, but are money pits.

Have a great Thanksgiving!!!

SL,



I hear yea!

WS and I, for the first 10 years together, although we didn't have a lot of money, still dreamed of and looked for and hoped to find an 'affordable' place outside the city to turn into our future 'family nest'. Then we took the next 10 year, putting our heart and soul and our savings to get it 'just right' for us, planning one day to 'retire' there.

That WS chooses to live with OP anywhere else in the planet is not as painful as the thought, at WS's invitation, that OP will be now enjoying our 'family nest'....

Right now I still get first livid at this thought...just before being flooded with pain from grieving all the 'expected' family gatherings I dreamed of that will no longer happen, when it gets too intense.... I try not to think about too much ....but, yes, Plan B for life for me, too (except minimal contact for the sake of the boys)

Sorry for the mini-venting, SL

Chai, thanks for your thoughts.

Geez, I so look forward to taking the Z back to court I have a feeling it is going to come to that. He is busy crying O WOE IS ME, to all that will listen and even to those who are sick of hearing it. I just want this to be over, but I'll be danged if I am going to lower the selling price in order for that to happen. If I go back to court to settle what was supposed to be settled in the divorce decree, I'll prolly lose some of the equity due to the Z poor.

Meanwhile, he spends lots of time in bars (expensive beer), buying video game consoles and pianos for his entertainment. Hearing my family report this stuff back to me just brings that IRE up in me.

After the first of the year, I will have to make an appointment with my lawyer. Trying to hold off on taking more money from retirement until then.

Went to the dentist today for a painful tooth and need to gather about $1000 for that. Boy, I need a better umbrella for all this rain.

Meh, whatcha gonna do. I suppose it'll all work out in some way or fashion. I guess I got a fight on my hands with the Z AGAIN. It's not enough that I fought to keep the family together in the first place. NOPE. The man can't even do what is right after all is said and done. Bleh...

Vent away, my fair lady. It's fine. This is the place to do it. Oh, and don't assume the OP will be enjoying anything, and if they do, whatever. You wouldn't be happy there, Luna. Too much bad stuff has passed.

What??? No OW to spend his money on? What's up with that? Where did the OW go? (to h3ll we hope). And piano(s)?

Man, you need to get rid of this guy as badly as I need to get rid of mine. They suck the life right out of you.

Keep doing. You will soon catch up and will be building your retirement fund back up. JT recommended Dave Ramsey's book to me and I love it. You should read it if you haven't already. I think he makes sense. I would love to have an income so that I could start on his plan, but that will have to wait. In the meantime, I'll be dipping into my fund too. It looks like I will still have it now.

SL,



Ohhhh....those watchful eyes ...thanks for catching my 'assumption'...



Sounds like you are pacing yourself, SL. Not totally off the radar...but yet not, like, gotta get it done...yesterday!

...knowing when to give ourselves some 'breathing' room is good, SL.

SL

Actually, Luna, when it comes to money, I'm more of the 'get er done' group of thought. I just want the settlement to MOVE in the forward direction . The Z said that he is meeting with a loan officer on Friday. We'll see what that translates into. Seems he needs a nudge from me in order to do this thing. That's fine. I'm used to it, and only have to continue to do this until the settlement is finished, then all he has left to tend to is his relationship with his son, which I cannot help him with.

I am still looking to move away after I get this settled and have some time to save a bit of money. I am looking toward the future, but not rushing it. What can I say, I want what I want...

Whatever happens, I am calming down, and getting my head straight. That's a good thing. Letting go of those things I cannot control, focusing on what I need to take care of right now, and so on. It's not easy stuff, but it's worth it.

and

to you my friend......

not2fun

Silent as I read your thread I see you are still wanting to move AGAIN. Are you going to take your son away from his father AGAIN. Or are you going to leave him with his father. Your son has been in how many homes in the last few years? Stability has been proven to be affective with children, moving about the country does nt do your child good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or is it for you with no regard to your son and his father?

dsd,
I have considered everyone. That does not mean that I will make decisions based on what will make everyone happy go lucky. I will make decisions based on what is best for me and DS. DS did very well in AZ. He acclimated beautifully. It's not so much of a tragedy FOR HIM. As for his father, he has choices, too, dsd. He can move to be closer to his son. He is an IT professional and is more marketable than I am in the job market.

I understand that you feel for the Z, I really do. I feel for him too, but I cannot live MY life based on his happiness or struggles. I cannot.

I do live my life according to what is most healthy for me, and there healthy for my son. If AZ had been a miserable experience for him, the decision to move back out there would be much harder.

DS spent 7 of his 7.5 years in the same house, his father was the one who left; I did not. I stayed and weathered the storm of his infidelity and HIS CHOICES. I still do, to some extent. DS then spent nearly 3 mos in AZ, and now he is back at the same school in MD, and his dad is in the old house, so he goes home each week.

I don't know what your experience is, dsd. Sounds like this hits you close to home, and for that, I am sorry. I cannot make it all better for everybody. I have choices to make and a life to live of my own, exclusive of my ex. Sounds cold, and I suppose it is.

dsd, you may be a fine father, always there to teach the lessons, to come with the discipline, to be the rock. The Z is just not like that. If I looked at the facts, he's just not the best father. I mean, what kind of father denies child support for his son cuz he's strapped for fun money? Also, my son is not going to be around forever . He's gonna grow up and go away, and I need to consider the direction of my life.