SHA, Doug,<P>Hate to say this... but it seems like the gender roles are flip flopping instead of balancing... now, finally, SOME men (not mine of course) are getting in touch with their "feminine" side only to be hurt by women getting in touch with their "masculine" side? No offense to either side intended... unfortunately I can't get out of the old-fashioned "it's OK, keep hurting me, honey - it's my job as a female and your wife to deal with all the pain so that you don't have to hurt" mode. Takes two who are willing, to create a more balanced relationship.<P>Yesterday he asked me if I wanted him to leave (after a very turbulent week), I said yes, unless he was willing to get help... I think he's going to leave, which is probably best for both of us... so why do I keep wanting to tell him to stay, tell him it's OK, that I'll just try harder?? Who would respect that? But on the other hand, why can't he see and appreciate the love I have for him... I guess it would be better for him to see that I have some self respect?<P>Maya, I think your husband must love you enough to sacrifice his self-repect? Some call that co-dependency, some call it "unconditional" love... I guess in the end, if we're hurting ourselves, whatever you want to call it, it can't be healthy when it's so one sided? But if the reluctant partner would love back, maybe that could be the start of balancing things out? <P>Whatever... for me it's probably all academic at this point .<P>Take Care all!

SHA,<P>I think Doug said it perfectly...and yy gave a pretty good example of it. You do have to walk a fine line but so do women. In a marriage I think there is a balance of power whether we like to believe it or not. A lot of us would like to believe that our marriage is a safe haven from power politics but it's not. <P>A husband and a wife has to be open and vulnerable enough for intimacy but strong enough to stand up for themselves to ensure that the other spouse doesn't take advantage of them or trample on them. If you put your foot down too much your spouse will resent you, not enough and they won't respect you. It's that fine balance of power between the two that makes it healthy. <P>Many years ago, I was the betrayer in a previous relationship and I knew at that time that I had the power - because he gave it to me totally. If you read my previous post - it was with the man whom was the doormat. I sorely abused it and he never planned "b" me. I'm not proud of it and I it won't happen again but I need to realize if I am trying to take advantage of the my spouse's love for me and he needs to keep me in check every so often and vice versa...and that's where communication comes in (and action to back it up if necessary). Does that make sense? <P>

Hi Guys,<BR> I agree with Jellybean.but I don't think it's just guys, it's both..there is a fine line, the "too nice" is when the other person knows you DO ANYTHING for them and they can continue with their disinterest and/or bad behavior. In my case I was way "too nice" to my H, and now that I think of it I was a doormat while he was trying to decide if he wanted me or OW....it was when I put my foot down and Plan B'd him and made sure he knew I would survive fine without him(even though I would rather NOT) then he came around....he actually said he was glad I put my foot down. I cringe when I think of all the hoops I jumped through trying to get him to stay....I won't do that again....I feel like my self respect is back.....hard to explain....LU

Well, only you can decide what is right for you and what is right for your relationship.<P>Have you taken the "Emotional Needs" "Test"? It helps to shed light on needs, their importance to each partner, and how a partner feels when they are not met.<P>Feeling obligated to meet a need rather than honestly wanting to meet a need will begin to have you feeling frustrated, anxious and resentful. All killers of love and passion.<P>Each of you take the test (page 258) in "Give & Take" (or it is on the web site too!) and then share the results in an open, caring nurturing way.<P>I think you will be suprised how it will point to areas you can work on in addition to the sexual area that can help your relationship improve and provide the opportunity for an improved sexual relationship as well.<P>mrrlk<P>

yy,<P>It sounds like your H isn't making much progress with his problem, and I'm sorry to hear that. The situation you're in stinks--when you have to repeatedly lose self respect, to protect someone you love from their own destructive behavior. I'm sorry, no brilliant advice, just some sympathy.<P>Jellybean,<P>Makes sense to me.