It's been 18 months since finding out about my WH and his 13 month long affair with co-worker (he no longer works there, quit after a year)there were days I didn't want to wake up and even attempt to try to make it through another day. The pain, depression, sadness and now most of all anger and rage. After finding out OW was not the first OW - I just no longer feel the same way about H and know now I NEVER will. I am TIRED of trying to make feelings happen that are not going to. I'm tired of putting myself and my family through it. I know it's a 15 year marriage, an investment but I know now that the marriage probably won't make it.....BUT I WILL. The hurt is too deep, the humiliation is too much, the obsessive thoughts are too much and the sight of him now makes me pity him. He's not who I thought he was.

I've learned so much, SO MANY people CHEAT, it's so sad. I trust no one. I know we are all human but come on....is being faithful THAT much to ask???? Everyone is looking for that magic pill of "happiness" and think they can find it in another person. I was also fooled into thinking that affairs are ALL ABOUT EMOTIONAL NEEDS NOT BEING MET. I carried so much guilt, as if it was my fault for SO LONG. And HE LET ME keep beating myself up like it was MY fault he had to go elsewhere to get his needs - WANTS meet.

An affair is not always due to a PROBLEM in the marriage. Sometimes it's an individual who never grew up and doesn't want to act mature and resent the fact that he OR she has to grow up and be an adult. It's a problem THEY possess, their emotions never reached maturity.

I no longer accept that it was due to problems in my marriage - I'M ONLY SPEAKING FOR ME, so please do not attack my opinion about MY marriage.

I feel GOOD for the first time in 18 months. I'd rather be alone - with my kids and HEALTHY than be with someone who refuses to grow up and get counseling like he should have a long time ago.

HeartofDixie,
I'm glad to see that you feel like you are at a new place. I don't really know your story... I just wanted to chime in and say you have every right to decide if you want to continue with your marriage or not.

It doesn't sound like your WH put what was needed for you into making your recovery work. You may even change your mind a few times. I don't think anyone will try to change your mind, and yes affairs hurt not only the spouse but also the children and extended family.

Still

I don't know why you assume anybody posting to you would attack you.

Not everybody who comes here can save their marriages after an affair. Sometimes there really is too much damage to repair. Even with all the necessary actions being done by the couple, recovery doesn't always happen.

Do you intend to divorce your WH? Or are you just posting what you have realized and recognized?

If you don't intend to divorce him, does that mean you are resigned to stay together and keep him "at arms length" for awhile?

Thanks for your thoughts.

I disagree, and don't think this fits in with the MarriageBuilders philosophy from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html :


If both spouses are on-board to save the marriage and fall in love again, it WILL happen. Recurring contact with the former lover can spoil it, as will one spouse going into the state of Conflict or Withdrawal rather than working to remain in Intimacy.

I totally get the "if both spouses are on board" thing and AGREE with that actually. BUT, my FWH still worked with the OW for another year plus and my FWH would go aback and forth from "it was my fault to it was his fault" and we all know the choice to have an affair, step outside the marriage to sin in that of ONE PERSON not the spouses. My spouse made me do it is a bunch of CRAP!!!

My FWH would want sex all the time right after exposure and I DIDN'T WANT TO but....did it anyway so that he would not go back to HER. There is so much resentment build up in that area. I was afraid of loosing him but I'm not afraid anymore. Getting him to answer questions about the A was like pulling teeth. Then he LIED so much and told the half truth so much until I just got TIRED of the whole cycle.

He cannot be trusted. He not only had more than one A....he didn't do what he needed to do to make things right after this last one which lasted 13 months with a co-worker.

I've had enough.

Heart,

Have you read these Dr. Harley newsletters?

They may help you decide what to do.

When to call it Quits - part 1

When to Call it Quits - Part II

These are both found in the new "newsletter forum".

Mr. Wondering

I am glad you feel good and strong so you can make decisions with out fear. Seems to me you are at a point where you have FREED yourself to make decisons on what you want rather than from fear of loosing something.

So Affairs happen.
Thay happen to good people
They happen for all kinds of reasons( most of them being selfish)

Does it mess up your relationship . Yes
Is it hard work to recover . Yes
Can you recover your marriage. Yes
Can you do it alone . No

Seems to me you are at a point where you FWH needs to step up and do some of the heavy lifting if this recovery is going to go forward , cause you are tired of lifting the rock all by yourself. There is nothing wrong with you getting to this point infact IMHO its a normal progression of recovery.
You need to be O&H with your H about this is where you are and what you need from him at this point.