Nope, you all have to confront this situation head on!! dude

HUSKERDUDE!!

POLYGRAPH

LIE DETECTOR

It is the only sure way. Do it and be done with it....or her..if that is what you want.

OR, just get used to ASSUMING she was with him (or others) those long nights when she would get home at 5:00 AM.

My heart goes out to you brother.

kirk

Install a keylogger on the home computer. Hide a digital voice activated recorder in WW's car.

Then get a cell phone that ha real time GPS. Select a plan with minimum time for low cost. Then hide cell in WW car. Then you can catch her where she is not suppose to be.

Do you have a plan what happens when she admits having PA? Plan D?

I think without knowing the full truth, you are heading to the D anyway because constant lying will erode the love you have left towards her eventually.

With knowing the truth you have all information to make a decision based on facts and you have at least a chance to start building real marriage.

This is a dance I'm all too familiar with.

You need to get a digital voice recorder in her car immediately and a keylogger on the computer now.

You are headed straight for D if you don't man up and get proactive.

Your wife has already started gathering toxic friends to cheerlead her and side with her as she has started telling them how "manipulative" and "abusive" you are.

She is if she hasn't already started telling those lies to her parents.

OM's Wife needs to know NOW, not tomorrow, but NOW as your wife has most likely taken the affair either underground or has become a master of adultery and has a new affair partner.

Husker:

I recommend that you call the OMW. Have a nice chat.

If he is divorced, it may not make any difference. If he isn't, then its his turn to squirm.

And that 1% doubt that you have? Let me give you an analogy:

When they would execute murderers by firing squad, they whould have six people with rifles. The rifles were loaded with 5 bullets and one blank. One persons job was to mix up the bullets and the blank, another person put them in the rifles, and another resorted the rifles, so that NO ONE could be sure that they fired a "fatal" shot. This was done to reduce the possibility, that later, had the person begun to be troubled by thier participation in the firing squad, that little bit of doubt whould keep them secure.

You want to doubt that your WW's A went physical. It may be the only way that you can reconcile yourself to staying with her. "If she didn't sleep with him, then I can still consider her mine, and move on with a life with her."

What you have come to find out, is that the NOT KNOWING is worse than actually knowing. Unlike the members of the firing squad, this doubt is creating conflict in you that is even greater than the knowledge, that yeah, maybe she did do the OM eight ways to Sunday. I do not say this to piss you off. I say this to point out the conflict that your WW's lies have created in you.

You can't live with a woman who has slept with another man, and you accept her version of events. But your brain keeps going over and over the story, and you can not reconcile to two things together. So, the only way to resolve this, is to pursue the truth.

A lie detector test is an excellent first step. "WW, I have scheduled an appointment on Dec, 3rd, at 5:30 with "Name examiner here" for a lie detector test for you."

She will be red-faced angry. Because she is cornered. Simply state, "I cannot remain married to you because you have LIED, not because you have slept with another man, but because you have LIED. I can handle the truth. The lie detector test will either clear you or condemn you. If it clears you, we can move forward. If it condemns you, we can move forward only because I need the truth to move forward."

After three years, you can't stay with her, and you can't get away. So you have to do something that allows you to stay. And around here, the one thing we know that drives recovery is TRUTH. And if you get that, then your M has a chance to recover. If you get implausibilities, then you end up wondering why you stayed with a lier. And then the wayward one feels that they can still continue the same behavior, or lie about other things, because? Well, it works.

Sorry you have to be here. But you came here for a reason. And that reason will set you free one day.

LG

Well I am also a lousygolfer, but a golfer none the less. Thank you everyone for all your well thought out replies.

I have been cruising along for several months. I hardly ever think of WWs affair anymore. I would think about it once in awhile, but never for more than a few minutes at a time.

All of a sudden on this past Monday, WHAM! Now I am consumed by the thoughts of her lies and her affair. I am nearly in tears at times and I don't know why. How can something that happened 3 years ago still drive me to the edge? I thought I was at least a few steps away from the edge.

I'm still a little apprehensive to bring up an affair that happened 3 years ago, with my WW. I want to, but rocking the boat is not exactly my strong suit. Recently, I have had that "sixth sense" that my WW will start to cheat on me again. Maybe that is why I had that WHAM moment on Monday. That is why I have to do something.

My plan of action right now is to get in touch with the OM and ask him for details about what happened. I'm not sure how that conversatin will go, but maybe he will giveme something and/or maybe everything. I am going to try and contact the OM ex-wife and see if she knows anything. They were in the process of divorce when this whole thing went down, so she may not have even been aware of anything.

Then I can go to my WW armed with the truth and give her a final chance to spill it all. That would be my dream scenario. The last thing I want to do is go through a lie detector test. Is it too much to just get the truth from someone for once? What is wrong with people?

HF1,

Are you in tune with your wifes body language, you might want to study up on that. Cheaper than a lie detector.

Few people would believe you could move forward under such a heavy load of lies.

NJ

Joseph's Letter.
I'll find it in a minute.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Well, I just sent an e-mail to the OM requesting that he tell me the whole story since my wife has refused to do so for 3 years. I'm not sure if I have made a big mistake by doingthis, but I really hope he responds and does not just go straight to my wife.

We shall see what happens.

That's not really the truth, I don't think.

I think what's bothering you is knowing there is a big fat whopper of a lie between you. How can you have true intimacy and complete trust with that doozy sitting there stinking everything up?

Instead of "I want you to tell me the truth; I will stay with you" I think your message would be more accurate if you said "I cannot live in a marriage where there are lies, deceit, and a lack of trust. I want this old festering wound cleaned out so it can fully heal and so we can build a marriage that is truly intimate." Then tell her you've scheduled the polygraph and a course with the Harleys.

But only tell her this if you really mean it. Be prepared for what you will do if she refused to take the ploy and/or the course.

Well, after a few attempts I finally got a response from the OM. He told me that his relationship with my W was strictly professional and he has not had any further contact with my wife since he left her company. He then went on to tell me not to contact him anymore and that further contact would constitute harassment.

I will not contact him anymore, even though I know it would not be harassment on my part. I just don't think I would get anywhere.

Just one question... does the other person usually lie when the BS asks them questons about the A? Keep in mind, this guy is single.

Oh well, I guess I will just have to live with a pink elephant in the room the rest of my life. My W will not tell me anything and the OM will not say anything. What happened to integrity in this world?

Why do you have to accept that? Choose integrity, and let her take the polygraph if she wants to stay with you.