Thanks for the advice. I am so impatient because I felt I have been giving but I definately been love busting her with the affair talk. She exposed alot of things about the affair and I should probably shut up for now. She is in a lot of pain and hates it when I bring up the affair. I don't think she is ready to leave fantasy land in her mind.

I saw a book on her table when I went over to the house the other day called "a Summer Affair". The feelings she had were INTENSE like no others. If this is her interpretation of love and what she needs at the core of her relationships (which she feels she did not have with me) then how do I get past that??

Wow affairs can be powerful stuff.

Withdrawal will do that.

In the meantime, YOU can create great, intense feelings with her, too. You just have to work at it. Find new things to do whenever you are together - very powerful, emotionally, to do new things together.

FP,

Affairs are powerful stuff alright. Just remember the love you promised and she promised you when you married was not "feelings" of love, but the act of love. No one can promise to feel in love with their spouse all of the time, but they can sure promise to act in a loving manner toward their spouse because actions can be controlled.

Love is really not feelings, that is more accurately described as LUST. Or just plain physical attraction. Love is an action.

Doesn't sound as romantic, but it is much longer lasting and powerful.

Please think about that. Also consider this. You have strong feelings for a person. You know you have messed up big time in your life. You know you have deeply hurt someone, perhaps destroyed a family and you USED to have honor, morals, and integrity. How do you face that? How do you deal with your enormous failure to those around you?

THese things take awhile to sort out and you really cannot help her with this. She has to face herself and decide what kind of person she is, has become, and will be in the future. Sounds simple but trust me this is not easy. There is a huge difference between simple and easy and you my man are about to find this out big time.

So hang in there, let her address her issues, she knows she has messed up big time, and you discussing the affair right now sounds to her as if you are telling her "Dear you messed up big time." And she is probably thinking "Duh, I know that, but what do I do now?" Not easy stuff to handle. Facing ones own failures is very difficult, but with time it can happen and does happen.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

CP and JL

Thank you for the support. It came at the right time. I have so much compassion for my W right now despite everything she did. I sent her the letter last night. I do not expect a reply for quite sometime if at all, which is OK. I just wanted to plant the seed.

Thanks again.

I really need help with this e-mail. My wife responded to the letter I sent last night. She is in a horrible state. She responded as follows:

"Hey. I read your email last night�..

I think what I really need right now is to get away from everything for a little while. I am thinking of taking a leave from school and go away, maybe to see my sister. You know this is not me, I don�t run away from things, but I think I need a little distance to see things more clearly. I know this is not a good time for you, but I need your help with the kids. I am going to talk to my parents tonight and ask them to help too.

I am having a really hard time keeping myself together at work, and at home. I think this will be best for everyone at this point.

I am sorry. "

Ugh.. I know what your thinking. Her sister lives in Italy so no OM in the picture

You need to translate the letter. The veterans here will do it for you line-by-line.
I can tell you the words I recognize: "to get away from everything for a little while," translates DIRECTLY to "can you leave me alone long enough so I can let my affair flourish?"
And here's another: "I am sorry." means "I'm NOT sorry."
HTH

I spoke to the wife. She confirmed that my letter was the needle in the haystack for her breakdown today. She called me crying and saying she had to get away from the school (where the OM is) for a few weeks so she could think clearly. She started antidepressant meds. She said she is breaking down at home and at school. She is going to go to Italy for a few weeks to be with her sister. She doesn't want to leave the job permanenetly though. She is in living Hell.


Question? Is this a true break down/bottom? How do I deal with this. I told her take as much time as she needs and I will take care of the kids. She stated she can't affford to take off more than a few weeks. (We are seperated). What next???

Frankly, I think this is an example of where you should offer to drop everything and go away somewhere with her.

To tell her you would go to the moon with her if need be.

To go with her sister to Italy sounds less than optimal for the situation.

You can not make her do things a certain way but you can make offers and state your committment to her.

Her sister actually lives in Italy so it would be a nice visit for her. But I like you idea. In the letter I mentioned something about wanting to see her on the Ferris Wheel again in Paris. (It was our honeymoon. Maybe I can make the tongue in cheeck suggestion to fly out and take her to Paris for a few days while she is out there. I know the answer and realistically I couldn't do it but at least it might plant a seed.

Sounds fair to me: have an affair/go on a vacation to Italy. Yeah, I like that. In fact, I want to go to Ireland to play golf. Maybe I should bang my secretary so my wife will give me some time off.

FP,

My suggestion would be to let her go to Italy, perhaps her sister can talk some sense into her. You take the kids and be the best Dad you can be. This will NOT hurt your situation AND it just might show W what she is about to lose.

Be cool, be a great Dad, and see what happens.

God Bless,

JL

Spoke to her again last night. She was still in tears. For the first time ever she entertained the notion of leaving the school (where the OM works) forever. She LOVES her job and has never even broached the idea of leaving.

She said if she comes back from her short "leave of abscence" and can still not deal, she will leave. The problem is she needs a job which is tough for a teacher to find. She said she may go back to accounting, which she hates.

I think this is total breakdown. That letter I sent (thank you J Harley for the help) was the straw that broke the camels back. I needed to see this. This is what I was hoping for. Seeing her in such devastation is hard but I know she needed this to hopefully move forward.

She still hasn't committed to the M yet but perhaps this time away to stay with her sister will help her. Her sister and family want us to reconcile. They know that will be the best thing for their daughter/sister in the long run.

Huh? A teaching job is hard to find? Where do you live?

Maybe you BOTH should move to one of the hundreds of other places where they're having a hard time finding teachers.

In fact, that would be one of the best ideas if you two reconcile - a clean start. A lot of reconciled couples here move afterward, to get away from all the drama.

Teaching jobs are not that hard to find.

I know. I am a teacher. They are a dime a dozen. As long as a teacher is open to various locations (districts, counties) and open to LOOOKING for one, there is always a BETTER paying one around the corner.

Teachers who claim that they are not to be found are often newbies (who have no reputation yet and have to vie for jobs with well seasoned vets who want the job) or someone who is set on a particular district and not willing to go with a job in another.

If she was in tears, I'd throw in a Carribean Cruise, as well. I mean, what the heck, this poor woman has been put through the wringer.
As the BH, you, on the other hand, have had a walk in the park. Maybe you could take on an extra job to continue to finance occassional vacations for her so she could take breaks and repeatedly find herself.

Zelmo

I really don't get the point of your posts. I understand that she is the cause of all of this and is running. I realize I have been hurt severely, I still get angry. What is the true constructive point to your post. I truly want to understand...

What happened to her 1000% commitment to the marriage?

Was there something that changed the deal?

She is a teacher at a private school. Teaching jobs are plentiful but in very tough districts ( we're in Florida). All the mid teir and above districts are very tight.

Imagine - She never said explicitly she was going to committ to the "marriage". She said she needs to get past her feelings and confusion of the affair so she can "focus" 1000% on me. I think in her mind and certainly in mine there is a bit of a difference.

My point is that you seem to feel like she should be rewarded and handled with kid gloves after eviscerating you. Your treatment lessnes the conseuqences, thus diluting any deterrent effect. It sets the sstage for her repeating this and. clearly impairs her ability to see the extent of the damage she has done.
It sickens me to see how someone that does this now gets an all expense paid trip to Italy, while you man the fort and suffer alone. If anyone should be going on a vacation, it's you. If anyone should be contemplating his navel. it's you.
I mean she got you to subsidize her affair all this time by way of finacial support etc. WTF, now she is heading off for a tour of the Renaisance painters works.
Aren't you just a bit pissed off about the injustice of all this?

I must have missed the parts of the MB plans where Harely advocates rewarding cheating with vacations. I think one can go overboard on avoiding LBs and this is an example.

ITA

If a kid steals candy and Dad says shame on you, don't do it again, will the kid steal again? Probably.

If Dad takes kid to store and makes kid apologize to the owner and work enough hours to pay for the candy, will the kid steal again? Probably not.