Buy her a plane ticket and hand it to her. Then change the locks when she is gone.

Can you change the locks in this situation? I mean, when she goes to stay with OM (is it tonight or tomorrow night) can that be seen as abandonment, even if it's just for a night? Could he just change the locks while she's gone?

And, is recording someone without their knowledge legal? Can such recordings be used in court?

>Can such recordings be used in court?

Maybe not in court, but if a home study had to be done to determine which home to place the kids in - well I know our caseworker listened to the tapes we had and took them into account.

Are you keeping a daily journal? Recounting each and every conversation? A good way for the judge to see how wayward she is being, and how little concern she shows for the kids.

I think that documenting everything is a great idea. Write down exactly when WW left the kids to go off and be with the OM. When she had, shall we say, "inappropriate relations" in front of them. If the tape recordings can be used to determine custody, then by all means, record absolutely everything you can.

And please, please, please tell your other kids so they can be prepared for what's coming. They are far more likely to get an accurate picture of what's going on from you than they are from your WW and the OM.

The lawyer has told me several times now that I *can* change the locks if she leaves. However, it's a rental so I would need more prep time. Also, what does that solve? Yes, I want her out of the house but is this the right way to go about doing it? Right now, I don't think so. In divorce, she holds a lot of power and she usually goes straight for the throat. If I can end this amicably, I would much rather do so.

Also, with the filing in place she can't take the kids anywhere that I couldn't get them back within 48 hours.

CP: yes I have a daily journal.

I don't really believe in an amicable divorce. I've been told they exist, but I've never seen one personally. It almost always gets ugly, and it certainly promises to do so in your case.

Um, yeah, that would be just about anywhere in the world, as far as I know. The longest plane trip I know of is less than 2 days.

Indarkness,

You need to get your head out of your you know what and start recording her NOW. Your WW is throwing around abuse acusations left and right. You have been warned about the dangers. READ MY THREAD! She is pregnant. All she has to do to get you kicked out of the house and regulated to an every other weekend father is to say she is scared of you. Right now, without you recording her, there is about an 80% chance that you will be legally removed from your house and OM legally moved in within a month. This is very, very, harsh. But, this is also a reality of the divorce industry today.

I think PSUBIKER is right in this case. If she's already throwing around allegations of abuse, you are in real danger of being removed from your home. Never, at any time, did I even consider falsely accusing my H of something he didn't do just to get him out of the house. If you aren't careful, you may not even get the ever other weekend thing. If there are allegations of abuse, it may be more a situation where you end up with monitored visitation only with your kids. Have you talked to your lawyer about these false allegations that your WW is making?

You might consider the following conversation with WW:
Hi Honey. You know I love you so very much, but I filed for D so that you could see that I wasn't going to stand in your way. A wise man once told me, 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours forever, if they don't, they never were.'
Well, I think I'll always wonder if your heart is with OM. Even if you have a last minute change-of-heart, I'll never know for sure unless you come back to me.
So, I'm suggesting that you take some time, get to know this guy, and see if he really is your soul mate. The trip to Vegas would be perfect. You could spend time with him without worrying about whether people in our town, from our church, see you two out in public.
I've talked to my family and friends and they have agreed to help watch the kids while you take this time to discover yourself. We all know that you came into this marriage with no worldly experience, so maybe you'll decide after going out that you really want to be with me again. Maybe not. Either way, I really want you to be happy, even though it causes me so much pain right now.
If your heart really has been given to someone else, so be it. But I'm hoping you'll see how much I love you by doing this for you."
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.
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Now, you'll really have to hold your nose, metaphorically, to spew this, but it might be enough to get her out of the house, if you see what I mean.
Who knows? It could even change her mind, but don't count on it. Remember what PSUbiker is saying. He has lived this--you can learn a lot from his experience.

I would recommend you have the tape recorder going at ALL TIMES. In a divorce situation, a tape recorder is not an offensive weapon. It is used for defensive purposes only to protect against false claims of abuse. Mr WOndering brought up a good point about being overly litigious.

My tape recorder turned a he said / she said situation into a rout for me. She had me accused me of grabbing her arms in a violent, aggressive way and had me arrested. In the trial, it was established from the tape based on her voice that I put my chest out to her and stood in her body space. In reality, she had gotten out of her car, started screaming at me about 6 inches from my face, all the while I put my hands behind my back and was back peddling to keep from touching her.

In the 10 minutes from the time she called 911 and the cops came, not once did she mention me grabbing her arms to the 911 operater. When the cops said they were going to write it up as a verbal domestic, it was clearly heard that she finally said I grabbed her arms. The cops then said they didn't see any marks on her arm. This was about 20 minutes after she called the police.

Three days later, she walked into the police station, and showed the chief red marks on her arms. He had me arrested. LUckily, everything was dismissed after the trial but it goes to show the lengths a WW would go to get their way. Your WW is showing very similar behavior to my XWW.

Now, that speech would take a really strong person to pull off. But, if he can do it, it might just work.

I'm sure it took just as strong a stomach for my H to say that I should go back to New England and see the OM and "figure out what I really wanted." I know it makes me want to puke just thinking about it now. I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for him to do that.

And, what's more, it actually worked. I went, and even though initially, after my return, I was even more certain that I wanted to leave and marry OM, it wore off pretty fast - within about a month, I think. Of course, my H didn't lock my out of the house while I was gone. He probably should have, but thankfully he didn't.

She may still not go, but if she did leave, at least you would have a case for abandonment against her, which would bode well for your ability to get custody of the kids. It's certainly better than her having you removed from the home under false allegations of abuse.

I agree. It's a good plan. As a much as you'd like to believe she won't fall for it...remember, waywards are motivated/addicted to ONE THING. Darn the consequences. She THINKS that she's COMPLETELY in the drivers seat on this custody issue. NO ONE can take her kids away from her. So...free tickets to Vegas to see OM is pretty tempting from her standpoint. You betcha.

Mr. Wondering

Hey, I have been lurking in and reading this thread for a while and i have to point out something to you that seems to get missed here. As a woman if i were in your WS shoes and having gotten used to getting things my way (with her popping over to see OW whenever she wants etc) I would be looking at you as a walkover, she seems to be attracted to this OM because he wont commit, its the old chasing something you cant have theory, now why dont you take a leaf out of his book and make yourself attractive to your WS again by STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF! sod the legalities, the possible complications etc, go to home depo or your nearest DIY store and buy some new door locks! shut her out! shock her by standing up and saying im a the MAN of the house and i am not taking this bull anymore!!
Your WS has gotten used to ignoring your existance for so long that a short sharp shock of you standing up for yourself should do the trick.
Being Italian I have been brought up in a way that men roole the house not the other way round and it may cause a stir me actually saying this but hey my name should give you a clue to what im about, men who stand up for themselves and not put up with my bull i see as totally attractive! I would like to think your wife is like that so go be the man that gets his wife back in check!! not the one who sits there alone while she goes off to her other man!

sorry im harsh but that woman needs to wake up, the kids need to have a family and its time for drastic actions. Lock her out!

Ind buy a plane ticket to vegas and send it to your house addressed to her,make it look like the OM sent it. When you buy the ticket and have it sent make sure their is only a day for her to make up her mind to go. Since you already stated you wanted out of marriage be short and meet none of her needs for a few days prior to getting ticket if it works she does nt have a ticket back,she abanded her children and you have time to do the locks.Straight to D

Problem with your plan, dsd, is that a simple phone call will verify that the ticket came from ID. Better that she thinks she can continue to "find herself" and ID will be in the wings waiting for her.
Re: BrutallyHonest's comments, I think there is a remote chance this would work, but right now, WW is out of her mind and pregnant and threatening to take the kids. ID needs to get her out of the house until she can be trusted with more responsibility.

Update? How are things going InD?

ID - any updates?
Thinking about you all.