Here is the story:

Married for 13 years. Three children. My husband met a woman through an adult friend finder at the beginning of 2008. After a few months she became pregnant. For reasons unknown, she decided to keep the child.

For the past six or seven months I had an inkling that something was going on. He had changed. Very secretive and critical towards me.

I would see the same number on his cell phone over and over. He claimed it was a work friend's number.

I was able to get into his voicemail and heard messages from this woman. None that were suggestive of an affair.

Two weeks ago, I was able to access the voicemail again. There was a angrier message from her telling my husband she was sick of the games and he better give her the rest of her child support or she would take him to court.

I was FLOORED! My whole world just crashed.

He has a soon to be one year old daughter with this woman.

He told me he has made the worst mistake of his life. He wants to save our marriage. I am so conflicted.

Help!

Brokengirl,

Welcome to MB. Read the Welcome thread at the top of this forum by Sunnydale. Get familiar with Dr. Harley's concepts about marriage and recovery from an affair. Get and read with your WH the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Read, read, read the threads in this forum.

Ok,

how old are your children? Where did he meet the OW and how long ws the A? Is he seeing the OC or just sending CS? Did he have DNA done to prove he is actually the father? Did he tell you WHY he signed up and Adult Friend Finder? Do you want to save the M? Do you see yourself being able to have the OC in your life and introduce her to your children?

I know loads of Q's but need to get a feel for where you are right now.

DNA test.

Seek out the advice of a lawyer. If the OW files for CS she will get most of your WH's money. The courts do not factor in that WH already has a wife and kids to support.

Some BW's have filed for a separation and CS to get at WH's money first so the OW only then gets whats left.

Serious see a lawyer fast.

I did not say to divorce WH. Just file for separation to lock up the majority of your WH's money for your family.

Originally Posted by TheRoad

DNA test.



Serious see a lawyer fast.

I did not say to divorce WH. Just file for separation to lock up the majority of your WH's money for your family.

VERY IMPORTANT and cannot be stressed enough!

((Broken))
Been there and done that. Faithful's advice is golden. so is the DNA test to prove that he really is the father. Additionally, you can decide any time to walk away. But if you believe you want to save your M and your family and protect your COM. You need to see an attorney and get a CS order in place for your COM. This must be done before the OW files for CS and takes most of it away from your COM. I wish I had done this, but OW's OC will always come first in the law's point of view because she got the court order first.
This does not mean you have to get D'ed. The existence of the OC does not mean your M is over. There are many of us in the same boat as you who are recovering their M's and saving their families. To do it is your choice, how to do it is up to you and your WH.
Keep reading, keep posting and asking questions.
So very sorry for your pain

FTS

Thank you all for the advice.

We are going to try to salvage the marriage.

He is paying her 400 a month in CS. There is no court order. No DNA test has been done but he believes that the child is his. I have seen pictures of the baby and she looks like my second daughter.

He said that he signed up for the friend finder because he wanted to find things for us to do together. He then said he knew how much I was against it. We were having a dry spell sexually and he said that was his motivation.

He would meet her at hotels and they would have sex. She then became pregnant and gave him no choice. She said she was having the baby. He slept with her a few times while she was pregnant and then the sexual affair stopped. They still texted and talked on the phone. The bay was born in December 2008.

I hate myself for not seeing the signs. Maybe I did. I don't know.

My suspicions really went into overdrive within the past six to eight months.

He would deny, deny, deny. He told me I was crazy. He would be mean to meand I couldn't understand why.

She is agreeable for now in him paying her $200 every two weeks. I told him that eventually she is going to keep asking for more and as soon as you refuse she will take him for court support.

He does not want this out. He does not want his family to know.

he tells me that he made the worst mistake of his life and he begs me not to leave.

I have good days and bad days.

The thought of him laying with her and them having a baby together sickens me.

I need some guidance and support and I thank you that have reached out.

Depending on your state the CS he is paying her now would be considered a gift and once DNA is established and she takes him to court he could owe back CS $$.

Please encourage him to request DNA legally through the courts. He is going to screw himself and your family over in the long run.

So is he seeing her and the OC behind your back? Have you seen the OC? Do your children know?

I can honestly tell you that unless your H steps up to the plate and does this right you will have a tough time recovering.

By "right" I mean protect you legally by getting DNA done. If you have legal separation in your state I urge you to file and get a support order for your children. He needs to be completely transparent and honest with you. No secret contact from the OW. Everything out in the open. Give you all access to email, cell phone etc.

We are in Pennsylvania.

Since I have discovered the affair and the child, he has told me when she has called him in reference to the CS and seeing her. Her birthday is coming and the OW wants him to see her.

He is afraid that CS is going to run around $900 a month and he is unable to afford that with our current financial situation.

He talked to someone in domestics and they said that was what he'd pay.

Also, I did suggest to him to make a will and he has the belief that the OC wouldn't get anything because he has no real assets. Opinion?

We own our home, a car, and we have no savings except for a deferred comp and some life insurance.

We met with the attorney that did our family trut and will. What he said was we had to mention OC in the will even if it said we acknowledge OC, a child born outside the M and he gets nothing. Otherwise OW/OC can contest the will and say H's "intent" was to leave OC $$ but he "forgot".

Find out how far back CS can go in your state and if any money given the OW would be considered a gift instead of actual CS.

((((Broken))))

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. I am a newbie also, only 5 mos. post DDay. This is esp. excruciating to me since I have been unable to give H a child of the marriage.

Just wanted to tell you to listen to Faith....I (we)did. B/c we had no COM, we have never had a will, but I'll be danged if my H died and I lost HALF of all of our assets to OC. So we did establish a will. And, it SPECIFICALLY excludes OC.(H did not necessarily like this part of the will, but did it anyway.) We are in the process of taking out a SMALL life insurance policy (Like $20,000) for OC if H died. My situation is a bit different than yours as my H had a ONS. So, OW is not out to get us presently and doesn't want anything from us. BUT, we are going to set up a trust/savings acct. and put like $500/month in it in case she ever comes knocking.

We are currently NC with OW and OC. H would LOVE to see OC and have a relationship with him, but I cannot bear this currently. I would've adopted OC and raised as "ours" but OW said no.

As far as your families, I can tell you it was a HUGE load off when we told our parents. This was perhaps the hardest part. My parents think H HUNG THE MOON and were completely devasted. However, they immediately said if I could forgive, they could forgive. H's parents were devasted too, but it's a different story with them as they have a grandchild involved. MIL is completely on my side with NC EVER, but FIL is wishy washy and caused my H to slip a few weeks back while FIL was visiting. They went and picked up OC while I was away. Anyway, that's a whole 'nother story and I hope we are past that now.

As hard as it was, I am glad our parents know. However, other than 1-2 extremely trustworthy friends, as far as I'm concerned, that's all that will ever know. We are looking to move (hopefully sooner than later) and we (I) will likely put this behind me and try to move forward with my marriage and hopefully TTC #1 soon.

One more thing, we did a private DNA test. All it takes is a couple of swabs of OC's cheek. I had this in place and ready to go when OC was born. I could not BEAR the thought of not being 100% sure. And although OC is H's, he is NOT on the BC. If OW comes after us for CS, we will make her do a court ordered test. If I were you, to keep my sanity, I would do the DNA ASAP. Just think, if OC was not your H's, you would only have to deal with the A and not the OC. Boy, how I wish this would've turned out this way for me. Dealing with just an A seems easy (relatively speaking).

This situation completely sucks. I am managing so far with the support of great folks like Faith. Read, read, read as much as you can.

Jer. 29:11

Excellent post, migs!

The OC gets an equal share of the estate if there is no will and he is not specifically excluded. So you will have to come up with the value of that percent of the estate, home, car, savings, life insurance etc.

The CS he would owe her would be reduced significantly if you file for CS for your COM first. Then she can only get some of what is left. He should have no contact with her whatsoever. Especially not on her birthday. He needs to get a CS order in line for your COM and then make her prove DNA. He will be required to pay her CS in arrears and what he is giving her now is a gift and will not be considered towards the CS arrears.

He needs to stop being afraid and man up. Protect his family from OW and then deal with the consequences of his actions.

Many people have told you get a lawyer and do what has to be done to have the court order CS for the COM.

The OC's CS can only be figured on what is left.

Why have you not done this yet?

Update please?

We are going to talk with a lawyer. So, we have to separate in order to do this, right?

Don't know, though I believe separation is needed but do not know. That's why you need to see a lawyer.

Let us know what the lawyer say's.

The details of the affair just rip me apart.I have to know. He is being honest in his answers.

I have feelings of deep anger right now aimed towards her. Is this normal?

Normal? Heck yes. I still hate her.

Days are going by. "Let us know what the lawyer say's."

What have you done to protect your finances?

If you sit back and let the OW file for CS first do you know what will happen?

Most of your WH's money will go to CS for 18 years.

The life style of you and your COM will be greatly down graded for 18 years.

We will be speaking with the lawyer today. He is a family friend. He was away on vacation.