The respect thread got me thinking.

Guys:

What things do you notice when you get home from work??
Positive as well as negative

What would you like to see more of when you get home from work??

Gals:

What things do you notice about h when he gets home from work??

What things would you like to see when h gets home from work??

I know that some of the women are the ones working so use these questions for your situation.

What if you both work?

We both work, but I get home a lot earlier than my H.

I would like it if when he comes home, he would give me a kiss and not walk in the house on his phone. I would also like it if he didn't get his computer out immediately after getting home. He needs to focus on more of a work/life balance, IMO.

I'll answer as a gal-at-home:

1. What things do you notice about h when he gets home from work??

He's grumpy, he picks on things around the house (wipes down counters while I'm fixing dinner, sweeps under my feet, yells at kids over Wii remotes, asks everyone what they've done that day--not in a "hey, tell me about your successes!" way but an "Explain what a failure you are!" way.), he moves from the door to the bathroom in [censored] mode and then hides for a half hour.

2. What things would you like to see when h gets home from work??

"Dinner smells great! I need 30 minutes to decompress, come fetch me if I fall in?" and a wink and a smile.

oops didn't mean to leave ya out. well ummm........who gets home first? Does one of you get home before the other all the time or does that change?

Have you discussed the above with him? If so what was his response?

Have you met him at the door with a kiss waiting if he is on the phone? What do you think his reaction would be if you did this? Would it be met with anger, amusement, happiness, surprise?

Ouch that hurts. I would venture to guess you do not look forward to him coming home. Have you tried things to change this up?? I'm thinkin there would be some nights I wouldn't be there with the kids, would go have a good time with them, give him his time and then start dinner. Though I know time constraints play into this too. I wonder if we can come up with any creative ideas to help ya out with this.

Why? Because you would like that?

This statement encapsulates where you are falling short on implementing the MB system. Which is OK. We are all human and all fall short. But if you want to improve, you need to pay attention.

Turning the statement around is good. "I would be pleased if he focused on having more of a work/life balance." Good start. But only half the battle.

The other half is inquiring WHY he tends to focus so much on work. What does he like about it? What does he fear? What goal is he pursuing when he focuses on work? What other goals does he have that may be shortchanged while he focuses so intensely on work.

If you approach this as trying to learn more about your husband. Rather than trying to get him to conform to your desires for him. He may feel more respected. And you may see him choose to alter his priorities.

When my H gets home from work (if he has worked that day and is still gone when I get home) he sees:

Kids either working on homework, playing on the computer, in their rooms

Me either on the computer or fixing supper

He would like to see (judging by our conversations and 15 years with him):

a little more order

What I see when I get home:
sometimes him sleeping on the couch
sometimes him on the computer
yes - whether or not anything has been done while I have been at work
if I'm lucky he might be playing the piano or practicing singing (he's really talented)

What I would like to see:
some house things done (since I am the one who works full time)

I think we both do a pretty good job of chatting with each other or kissing hello whenever the other gets home.

The only source of tension for each of us with regard to getting home is probably the house

I've already changed my doings to make sure that the house is picked up when he gets home. It's not so much now that the kids are in school all day, and that they're no longer babies with all the swings, high chairs, other flotsam of babyness, but it's changed from toys on the floor to a Wii remote not in the cradle, or a TV remote on a sofa instead of a table, or a pair of shoes, or a leaf of parsley on the floor, or a speck of grease on a counter...while I'm frying chicken or eggrolls...it's like he thinks a family is a magazine photo shoot.

Like I've said before, I'm not willing to bend my family to his neurosis. There was a time when none of us looked forward to him coming home, so we told him. It's up to him to decide whether or not he wants to be the kind of man who his family dreads or loves.

Your little kids told their dad they didn't like him coming home? How did they figure out how to do that?

When I came here 2 years ago, griping that he met none of my ENs and LBd all over the place, I was told to meet him at the door with a kiss and a hug. I said why? Was told because it works.

I can only describe the change in him as immense, when I get up from what I'm doing, go hug him, and kiss him. It changes the entire mood of the night if I do that, compared to not doing it.

I think (sorry, speaking for you guys) that when a man works, one of his most basic needs is for his wife to acknowledge that he left home to go to that job...for them. Hug/kiss is a tangible act of respect and appreciation for doing so. Very basic, primal, but effective.

Kids who aren't told to stfu learn all sorts of things, cat.

Ouch.

Seriously, a five year old thought it up all by himself to go to Daddy, the one Daddy in his life, and say 'Daddy, I don't like it when you come home'?

A five year old learned that he could be himself, be a child, clean up his messes before bedtime and be respectful, and he learned that he better clean up his messes before the garage door opened or be subject to a bout of ridicule and yelling.

We have all learned to brace at the sound of the garage door.

On the nights when H gets home at 8 (bedtime), the kids scramble to jump into bed at the sound of that door.

Don't blame me.

CWMI, my husband has a horrible relationship with his mother for a lot of the same reasons I see a future not-so-great relationship for him with the kids.

I hope I'm wrong but there's not a lot I can do about it without being LBish and disrespectful to him.

It is what it is for him. That much I've learned to let go.

Yeah, all I can do is encourage everyone to pitch in to pick up before he gets home. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to come home to a tidy place, so it's one thing I've done to make home a place to want to be.

He's better about it than he was, and when he's way off into grumpy-land, it's something like the other day when he was barking at everyone and the REAL problem was something at work. So there was nothing we could have done or not done to smooth his transition...that was all on him.

By the time I was 5 or 6 years old, I had learned to fear my dad coming home. By the time I was 7 I had learned to take my younger brothers and hide with them in our rooms when Dad got home. My mom asked me why I did that and I said because Dad yells at us. Mom, in her disfunction said "well if you don't come downstairs, he'll yell at me."

That's how kids learn.

That's not what you said. You said that your kids told their father that they didn't like him coming home.

My three year old said something similar to his daddy, and when I pulled him aside and told him "we don't say things like that" he proceeded to explain to me the reasons why. It was one of the things that helped encourage me to leave. Not that I'm encouraging CWMI to leave- I think she's got a good chance of improving things for herself.