My wife has filed for divorce. The issues are purely emotional; no physical abuse, no affairs, no drug use, etc. I really think that counseling can solve our problems. But, can things said in front of a counselor be used in the divorce? In other words, if I say that I should have been more understanding, can my wife say that I said this in court?

I don't think she should be able to say so unless it was said to her in a joint session.

Boofer, not being an "understanding" spouse would not be grounds for divorce if the divorce was contested and would be completely irrelevant to any financial or custodial settlement. On the other hand, and I'm sorry to say this, your wife doesn't even really have to offer a reason in court for divorcing you once you've gone through whatever term of separation you're required to go through wherever you live (if one is required). You're not going to find a judge who will deny your wife her divorce because he thinks you're understanding. A judge might think you're a model husband and a saint, but if your wife doesn't she isn't going to be forced to stay married to you.

A lack of understanding between a couple is pretty much assumed if you get to that point. Divorcing couples who appear in court aren't assumed to be compatible partners who are madly in love, and judges just aren't interested in anything that doesn't involve abuse, infidelity, mental illness, substance abuse, etc.

In your situation, I strongly recommend that you be as completely honest as possible about everything with your wife and marriage counselor and do everything in your power to KEEP your wife and yourself in counseling. Complete honesty is your best weapon for saving your marriage, and if your wife thinks you're not understanding and you admit that, it could be your only hope at this point for saving your marriage. Your focus needs to be on your wife's feelings right now, not what might happen someday in court.

Thanks,

I used the comment about understanding as an example.

I should of been clear that I meant in a joint counseling session.

I know that counseling will only work if there is complete honesty.

If what you said originally is true, that there has been no abuse, affairs, drug problems, etc., then I don't know what you're worried about related to counseling and what your wife might say about it. Whatever the issues in your marriage are, doesn't your wife already know them? I mean, she's already filed for divorce, so she clearly isn't happy about something. Why would she need to quote something you said in counseling as opposed to what you say anywhere else? Do you never talk about your problems at home? This might be the problem right here--a total lack of communication. Your question is a bit confusing.

As far as bringing anything from counseling into court goes, that will always be a he-said she-said situation, just as if those conversations had happened anywhere else, and no therapist who cares about their career is going to willingly go into court and corroborate anything said in a counseling session, even a joint counseling session, unless it involves very serious crimes or threats of crimes.

I don't know which state you resides in; in CA, confidentiality is for the therapist/counselor to keep and not for you or for your wife. They are exceptions that counselor has to report it but I assumed that's not your case. Even if (I hope) your counselor gave each of you an agreement paper to sign to keep the session confidential, she is only breaking the agreement not the law. The lawyers/court could drag the therapist to the court to testify. It will get messy and it will be costly. Talk with your lawyer.

redhat