I'm currently going through a divorce with my recent wife. I don't know what happened, whether I should try to fix it, or how to get through it.

I'll try to be brief...
I met my wife two and a half years ago. She was the most wonderful person I'd ever met and couldn't believe she would choose somebody like me.
After 3 dates she told me she wanted to marry me, which was strange, but she said she was so sure of me and wouldn't be happy with anybody else.

I agreed, and we eventually got married last christmas. She suffers from bulemia, depression, an alcohol problem and has a problem with an addiction to male attention, which has almost split us up on many occasions.

She has gradually become more and more unhappy during the marriage due to her opinion that I don't love her. I've had a problem with intimacy, which I blame on stress and a vasectomy which I didn't want but she demanded I had. It's not that we don't have sex, it's just infrequent. But, other than that,I always take her out, buy her flowers and little gifts, tell her how beautiful she is, and call and text her all the time. All her friends keep telling her how much I love her and how lucky she is, but she doesn't agree.

Two weeks ago she told me she was leaving me. Problem is we haven't been married for a year yet so divorce is not possible, plus she has no grounds for divorce. Then, last week she went out, met some guy, and is now emailing him with intimate messages and planing a flight to go see him next week. I can see all this because she gave me the password to her hotmail account some time ago and I think forgot about it.

It's breaking me apart. I know I shouldn't look but I'm basically watching my wife preparing to cheat on me, and telling him all the things I lack and how wonderful he is. She says that I had no drive and she was the one doing everything, which I don't think is true as I have a demanding job, plus a private business, plus trying to renovate a house for selling.

Although eveybody tells me I should leave her, she was my pride and joy and used to be the most wonderful person on earth. The feeling of rejection is just too much to bear, especially that I can see whats unfolding with this new guy while she is still my wife.

Don't know what the hell to do and don't know what I'm looking for on this site really, I'm just totally desperate.

Run away from her as fast as you can. She is NOT marriage material and there is no way you two would EVER be happy together. You both have too many emotional issues to deal with.

Then find a good psychologist and invest in regular visits to find out why you think that this relationship in any way, shape, or form resembles love or a real marriage. What self-esteem issues do you have that you have done this to yourself, just to have a woman want 'somebody like you'?

There are plenty of healthy, happy women out there, just looking for a guy who will love and respect her. Find one of them.

But only after you spend some time on the self-esteem issues.

I do have self esteem issues, my wife is a therapist and helped me initailly, but then due to everything that has happened, it has been destroyed.

I ordered some books yesterday which I hope will help, but maybe a psychologist would be better.

And she "suffers from bulemia, depression, an alcohol problem and has a problem with an addiction to male attention" ???!!!

Yes, she's apparantly very good even though she suffers from so many problems herself. She's extermely charismatic, which is why she always won me back everytime she went too far with other men.

Sounds more like schizophrenic or bipolar, to me.

I've suspected she was bipolar. She seems so caring when sober, yet I know she lies to me about contact with other men (hiding her mobile phone is the usual give away). But when she drinks, she turns into an utterly selfish person.

I've just contacted a therapist and hope they can see me asap. I'm hoping that they can restore my self esteem, and maybe I will see my wife for what she is, but at the moment I still see her as my wife and want to care for her.

What is the definition of a marriage?

'Love, honor and obey', yes, I know. She originally did.

I think she tends to blame all her problems on other people rather than see what she is doing. For example, at various points she has blamed me for promoting her bulemia, depression, alcohol abuse and seeking attention from other men. All these problems she had before she met me. Recently she met an old friend who wants her to join her in a business plan. I saw a message she sent, telling her that she doesn't want family life, and that I'm holding her back (she wants 'wine bars and handsome directors'), so it seems she is also blaming me for her lack of success, when I've done nothing but promote her (helped her with her essays, sat up with her and forced her to complete work, designed and built her website).

I went to see her yesterday, and told her I want to make this work and would like us both to see a marriage councellor. My friends (and you guys) are telling me to get out, but I feel I've made a promise in marriage and I really want to honor it. Plus I still love her.

I'm thinking the best thing to do though is cut off all contact with her. This will help me get over her if it is going to end, plus it will see what it's like when I'm gone (at the moment she still contacts me and I still go see her when she is lonely or scared or has taken an overdose).

I'm glad I found this site though. Typing this and recieving your replies is actually helping me a lot, so thank you. I've also contacted a therapist and may be able to see her tonight.

Yours, Dylan

Well, I actually asked you that to see if you think YOU belong in a marriage without reciprocation. What's the point?

Look, there are Givers and Takers. A healthy person is halfway in between. If you have a Giver (you) and a Taker (her) in a marriage, with no middle ground, it sucks the life out of the Giver. Then you either give up and leave or you hang on so long in a marriageless marriage until you lose all sense of yourself and can no longer find any reason to fight for yourself. You become a shell. Which makes her lose all respect for you, and then SHE leaves YOU.

I have a great little book, quick read, that will probably hit home with you. It's called The Dance of Anger, and you can get it just about everywhere - library, used book stores, Amazon. I think you'll be surprised.

Funny you should say all that catperson, because that's a speech I had delivered to me last night by a close friend whom I've known since childhood. I do believe she has no respect for me and I'm partly to blame for not putting my foot down unless she really overstepped the mark.

I'll order that book from Amazon now.

Women NEED their men to be strong.

It's biological, dates back to caveman times. Part of our attraction chemistry. Cavewomen didn't pick the guys who hung around the cave, asking the girls if they wanted help - they'd starve that way. They picked the guys who went out and fought for what they needed.

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. Please you can e-mail @ saidarahal120@hotmail.com I would like to chat with you.

Yes, the problem as she percieved it was that I was not driving the relationship. In my defence, I have a demanding career, was studying for industry certfications, trying to get a second house ready for renting and helping to take care of her four children. So I didn't have much time or energy for much else, whereas she worked part time hours and had free time while the kids where in school.

She says she doesn't want to cut off contact with me and wants to keep me as a very close friend, and to see what happens, but I feel that she is using me as a backup plan because I know she is pursing a relationship with this new guy (she doesn't know I know).

Why aren't you exposing them?

I've thought of that, but I feel like I'm just being the petty ex.
Also, she has no family because she moved to the UK from Sweden, and does not keep contact with any of them.

She obviously places her reputation very highly. She hasn't even told anybody that we're splitting, other than a couple of very close friends. When she refused counselling, I suggested that we speak to the vicar, but she objected because everybody at the church knows us.

I have my first therapy session in two days. I'm really looking forward to it. I hope it will either help me value myself more and help me move on, or work at what she sees as my failings and allow us to repair the marriage.

Ok, look. Personally, I think you're better off without her. She's a User. But if you really want to fight for her, you have to expose the affair.

Ask the mods to move your thread over to Surviving an Affair so you can get the proper advice.

The affair is not the reason she's leaving me, she met the guy the week after she told me she was leaving. It can't go far as he lives in Ireland, also he mentioned in an email something along the lines of "let me just confirm, I did explain my situation to you didn't I?", which leads me to believe that he is married.

It's not an issue for her, she told me she was seeing a married man before she met me. She would just meet him at hotel rooms and he would buy her expensive gifts. He was married with kids, and she's a relationship councillor who helps people get over this sort of thing. She's even slept with one of her clients in the past.

Typing this is making me think, "Wow, what the hell did you expect you idiot!".

Oh, Samira, forgot to mention, I've dropped you an email.

yep