I will be up front and say that I am the WW. My husband is also a WH but it was a long time ago. I had an affair with an ex boyfriend from college who moved back into the area last year. This ex boyfriend is also best friends and business partners with my brother to make matters even more complicated.

My husband found out about the affair in mid October and I have been NC since November 7th. Sometimes I wish I could say that my husband was being a jerk so it would be easier to leave him but he he had been very understanding and patient. When I found out he cheated I made his life absolutely miserable.

I want to leave so bad but then I remember I took marriage vows for better or worse until death do us part. It has been extremely diffcult not to contact OM. He is the one that dumped me and went NC. I feel I should be up front about that as well. He said I could contact him after I filed for a divorce until then he told me to stay the hell out of his life.

My H is not making it easy for me to leave but I don't want to be here. At the same time I do believe marriage should be forever. How does one get to the stage of not wanting to leave? How long does this withdrawl last?

Your marriage is in trouble. My first thought is for you both to go to a MB weekend.

Both of you need to know why you bailed on each other. Are you up to honest communication.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair?"
If not, get it now. It could save your marriage & even get you & your H to a place where you can enjoy your marriage again.

Withdrawal can be a [censored]... this OM was filling emotional needs of yours, and you got a huge rush from that, and now it's GONE & you feel this void. It's got all the same physiological effects (in terms of brain chemistry) as a drug addiction, no joke. I never got to the point where I wanted to leave my wife, but I had the addiction thing re: my OW nevertheless... 3 weeks minimum (after the no-contact clock begins) is what you can expect for the worst pangs, but the feelings can come & go for months afterwards. Sorry to say, I've been there & lived it.

Who have you got to keep you accountable? Right now, seems as if only the tenuously-restored sense of propriety of your OM is keeping you out of touch with him; and that's not good. If he changes his mind & decides to call you, would you have the strength to hang up? Is there a couple who have the best interests of you & your H's marriage at heart, whom you could trust, to help hold you accountable? A pastor or a good marriage counselor?

Re: OM working with your brother, can you elaborate on how this "makes it complicated" for you? Does your brother know about your affair? Is your brother someone who'd be willing to protect your marriage? Is your brother's relationship with OM a toxic influence on your marriage?

Hang in there. Keep posting.

How long was this affair?

Length of the A can impact withdrawal. Though some WW can drop the OM like a hot potato, some need six months.

Only way to withdraw is NC. Brother can not mention OM, looking at OM face book etc is still breaking contact.

Do you live close to where the OM works, lives, small town, making NC imposible?

Does your B know about you and the OM?

Your B must know about the affair so that NC is not broken on his part. Example B has a barbecue, child�s milestone celebration or their wedding, he can not have you and the OM both be there.

Has the OMW been exposed?

This must be done.

Do you have children. Or are they considered?