claygal, you are going to get a lot of 2x4s over this - you say you want him to respect your boundaries and can't figure out why he doesn't, and then you let him walk all over the house and you and both of your daughters.

WHY are you not protecting your family from his sick and selfish actions? That is what Plan B is supposed to be for!!

His treatment of your oldest daughter is nothing short of emotional abuse. He is deliberately ignoring her in the hopes that she will come crawling to him. That's a game that 11-year-olds play.

WHY WHY WHY are you not protecting yourself and family from his cruelty?

"Why is he doing this?" you say? BECAUSE HE CAN! BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU WILL LET HIM!!! AND YOU JUST DID!

For god's sake, CHANGE THE LOCKS. If he shows up again, DO NOT RESPOND. If he won't leave, CALL THE COPS!! Even if you don't care about yourself, he is tormenting your daughters to death. When are you going to do something about THAT???

And the next time he is "calling and texting", shut off YOUR phones and shut off the girls' phones!!!

Plan B is supposed to prevent exactly this kind of abuse and cruelty to both you and your children, but you are the only one who can enforce it!

It NOT up to a lying cheating out-of-his-selfish mind WS to "respect your wishes" - stop putting the responsibility on him because that is NOT going to happen. YOU have to see that this happens!!!
Mulan

You are right, and I am standing up for myself. He can't get in to house because he has no key. So no need to change locks. I actually think in some ways it was beneficial this morning. I was able to tell him face to face, and he also has it in writing. Youngest daughter told him again she did not want to talk to him or see him right now. I am going to protect her like a bulldog.

BH - I think the issue with both girls is they are well old enough to know and understand what is going on. We have been to several Christian youth conferences over the summer, and they are actually focusing Christian marriage message to teens. They get it more than Wh does. He has also yo-yoed them as well as me. They do not trust him or what he says. I think it is futile right now to try to convince them to see him, or tell them he loves them ( which I have).They understand the Christian philosophy of marriage and family, and they see him as someone who has destroyed theirs. AND I think it will be more harmful than good to see him, especially for youngest. Just the contact alone is upsetting to her.

I feel good about what I told her today. She doesn't want to see him, but I think it is the guilt about that that is bothering her. I have told her that it is OK with me for her to see him, and she tells me she doesn't want to. She was finally able to relax when I told her that she shouldn't worry about him and his feelings right now, that she needed to take care of herself, and she shouldn't worry about seeing him until she feels strong enough to do so. It was like I had given her permission to be ok about her feelings.

I also am afraid of what he will say to them. He has done so much back and forth both last fall, and recently, that I am afraid he will tell them he is coming back or not, and then change his mind again. that is not good for either one of them. I really think it is best that contact is limited until we have a difinitive decision, or unitl I decide I am done.

We actually had a good afternoon. Went to the store and bought hair glaze to brighten up their dos! Youngest is doing much better.

I like the idea of getting a cheap landline or even cell phone (you can get a cheap pay-as-you-go plan) and sending WH your other one. Do NOT give him the number!!!!!!

Right now, until you get old H back, you have to treat him like any other criminal who would be trying to harass you or break into your home. Would you answer the phone for someone harassing you?

You are right Cat. He is definitely still in his wayward fog. I am emailing IM right now. She can tell him via email that all contact MUST go through her. This week I will remove ALL of his posessions to the garage. He can get in through the side door if he makes arrangements to do so with her. Then there is NO reason for him to come in to the house.

I have been very kind in explaining my position to him. (trying to protect my heart and preserve feelings for him) I have told him that his continuing to text etc... is diminishing my good feelings toward him,and it only makes him angry at me when I don't answer the phone, so why continue to do it?

I am done explaining. It has only been a week of plan B, but now he needs to abide by the rules, and I will force him to do so.

You only get one shot at a good plan B. It was working. You were driving him crazy. But you just gave the herion addict his fix. He knows he can come back for more. You need to be dark. Be still. Be silent.
Oh, and be there for your girls. They should NEVER have had to worry about him showing up in their bedrooms unannounced. Sorry, Clay, time to get tough.

What were you thinking?

I'm not trying to be hard on you. I'm sincere.
WHAT were you thinking?

You've got to keep your head on if you expect Plan B to work. A poorly executed Plan B is a guarantee for a disaster. I've NEVER seen a poor plan B succeed. Not. Once.

You are begging for this to fail.
Please PLEASE shore up your walls and make him go through IM.

Be certain of this: You have just taught him that your stated boundaries are meaningless, that you do not mean it, and that all he needs to do is pitch a bigger fit for a longer time and you will break down. His next attempt will be much more intrusive, invasive, and relentless. Because you just taught him that is what works.

Please THINK about what you are doing.

I understand what you are saying TH, but honestly I am here for support, not to get yelled at. My situation is hard enough.

I did what I thought was best at the time, and I still do not regret it. I was able to restate my plan b letter, and also have a talk with my daughter about her needs, standing up for and taking care of herself, and not worrying about her father's feelings at this point. I do not think she was ready for this conversation before now.

IM is contacting WH today. I have made my point very clear to him now, and I am pleased with the fact that I was able to remain calm, and restate that this was the only solution for me right now.

I'm sorry my caps came across as yelling.
I am pleading, not yelling.

You are making huge progress and I do not want to see you destroy it all. Because of your breaking Plan B, it will get worse before it gets better. Prepare yourself for that.

From your first post (when you talked about telling your H it was over several times, kicking him out, etc, but then taking him back again), CG, I could tell that you had weak boundaries. I don't say this to be mean, but because no matter what happens in your M, I want you to have a personal recovery. And I believe working on your boundaries and following through with what you say will help you regardless.

Through this whole process I have worked on my boundaries too, and I believe many people who come here end up doing the same. A book that I have seen recommended several times here (that I also want to get) is called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Maybe you want to take a look... http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

It is time to show him you mean what you say. You will never get him down off that fence if you don't.

Susie and TH, thanks for posting. Yes, I thought my boundries were in place before because he seemed sincere and a mutual friend had told me that he was. I believe that he was at the time. I didn't know that we were having a false recovery.

I know now that my boundries have to be stronger than before because of this. I am dead set on enforcing them and standing by them. I will not do another false recovery, and if that means D then so be it. He is only making me angry at this point which is making my resolve even stronger.

claygal

I have been keeping up with your struggles, I know its hard for you.

Just let me say the advice you are getting is right on the money. From my own experience let me say that a very dark planb is what you need. When I was going through the same thing a few years back (I was hurtinginokla then) I broke my planb several times gainst the advice of the wise. My EXWH would come to the house and carry on such I gave in to keep the peace from the neighbors. He would yell and beg so loud they came outside. Anyhow that was my big mistake by the time I really went into a dark planb my love was gone. I had taken so much crap and pain I didn't care anymore.

So please do this if for nothing else yourself and your DD's. The plan will work to help you become strong and not become bitter, if by chance you still want to save your marriage.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

Okla aka hurtinginokla

Thanks Oklahappy. I feel that I am still in an ok place right now. Plan B has only been in effect for 9 days (although not stellar). I am now completely at a place to go 100% dark. I will have nothng to do with him.

Claygal

Good for you, very dark is the way to go..... Don't let the sun shine on him at all.....

Okla

You have the added incentive Claygal--you know it works. He is very bothered by Plan B!

Yep, he gets his fix any time he knows he's contacted you, either via text, voicemail or banging on the door. If you let the phones go to silent at bedtime, there's no chance he'll wake the DDs with early hours calls. NOTHING is so earth shattering that he can't text them at a normal hour. He knows this, but is so desperate to connect with his family that he comes up with these excuses.

So now he knows anytime he "needs" something from the house, that's his in to talk to you.

Come up with a plan for ANY instance he can use to get in touch.

The next time this happens, and it will...it worked once, he'll do it again. Turn off all the phones, but after you call your IM and tell her(?) to call your WH and set up a time he can come and "pick up stuff". When he sets up a time, make sure you are not home, ask the IM to be there with him as he "picks up stuff".

Not being able to talk to the kids will be very frustrating for him and them, perhaps they can work out something with a grandparent where they will talk with dad on the phone, but only as a 3-way conversation with a grandparent...that way there is a witness so perhaps he cannot manipulate them.

If he shows up at softball or sees you, do NOT talk with him...at all...except to say, "are you still seeing OW?" If the answer is anything other than "No", then walk away...

If you keep up this way, you will give up, you won't have the energy left for recovery. Are you in this for the long haul?

Stillhere - As I stated in a previous post I have NO INTENTION of talking to him. IM sent him an email this morning. I have no intention of giving up or "keeping on this way" as you say.

I though I had made myself clear in my previous post. I also have no intention of even talking to him at sporting events - even to say, are you still talking to OW? I don't think he will show up anyway. He has no way of finding out when games are. I am honoring girls request that he not be there.

You sound defensive and angry. Are you giving yourself a hard time about how he was able to get past your defenses? When Plan B is broken, use it as a learning experience and shore up the crack...

You are doing well. What are you doing to take care of yourself. And how is the love you have for him? Protected well?