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I'm really uncomfortable with letting that out right now - not because I'm bothered by my confused ramblings and panic all those years ago, but because I am still wary of damaging the work my wife has done here on MB - it will take me some time... Oldfool, my friend, you are not doing your wife any favors by keeping her secret. One of the #1 tenants of MB is exposure. If she has been posting here to newcomers, then they need to know she doesn't practice these principles in her own life. It is only fair to posters here to know the background of those who give advice. I would tell the board who she is, what she has done, and then make SURE she is pointed to this thread so she knows she has been outed. This is not just private information that effects you and your family, but information that effects people on this board. "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:
Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.
The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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but because I am still wary of damaging the work my wife has done here on MB - it will take me some time... Your WIFE has damaged her standing here by not practicing these principles in her own life. All you will be doing is exposing the TRUTH and preventing her from presenting a phony persona on this board. Protecting her from the consequences of her own actions is harmful to her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would tell the board who she is, what she has done, and then make SURE she is pointed to this thread so she knows she has been outed. This is not just private information that effects you and your family, but information that effects people on this board. Melody, Tst, and Pepper - it's so good to hear from you all! I know my hesitation was not the right thing to do, but I was so shocked by all that happened that I was thrown entirely off any ability to think straight. You have all been correct - which is exactly why I cam here. My past screenname (I actually tried to get it back but forgot the password) was TanelornPete. My wife's past screen names were faithcj and I think faithfulwife. Like I said - she quit posting some time ago. Initially I had sort of planned on posting all this when I did a full exposure (whenever that happens - still gathering materials - I don't want her to delete stuff before I get to it...) I do not believe she has been on here in some time (at least a year) unless she is using another name. I didn't want to upset people she had talked to throughout the years - stupid, I know, because the truth is painful at times... I was just so blindsided by this. She emailed her guy again last night 
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TanelornPete}}}}}}}}}}}}} I remember you! So sorry you are back here again, friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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<-----------Tell CJ I'm looking for her, she KNOWS where to find me! Oh, also show her my previous post before knowing who you were talking about, it still stands!  I'm so sorry this is happening to you! She soooo knows better than this! WTH?
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you! She soooo knows better than this! WTH? Yes, I know she knows better. So much better. That's why I'm having such a hard time - I have got to know what I have done. It has to be largely my fault - I can't imagine what I might have done to drive her to such a thing. I've been going over everything I've done - every act, every failure, every disagreement. Somewhere in there is the answer.
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I know now that I'm a BS, that marriage for me has been somehow cheapened, it's no longer sacred.
Maybe that's her problem.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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That's why I'm having such a hard time Understandable, it's not because she doesn't know how to communicate! Damitt CJ what are you thinking?  How are all of the kids? Both yours and hers. They've all been through h@ll, now this?
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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That's why I'm having such a hard time - I have got to know what I have done. It has to be largely my fault - I can't imagine what I might have done to drive her to such a thing. I've been going over everything I've done - every act, every failure, every disagreement. Somewhere in there is the answer. I'm SO SORRY you are back. But I am really struggling with this statement. I was constantly told and taught that yes, you might have had 50% of the marriage, but HER CHOICE to have the A is on her 100%. You can't MAKE anyone do anything. She CHOSE this. Let the fault, let the blame, let the cleaning up be with her.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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I completely agree. The affair is 100% hers to own.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Hi BK.... Nice to see ya.. Hope all is well.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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How are all of the kids? Both yours and hers. They've all been through h@ll, now this? The kids don't know anything yet - they are all teenagers now - off on their own planets, for the most part. The really horrible thing is: I lied TO THE KIDS the other day when CJ took off - when we came home together, I told the kids she had been for a long walk... I couldn't bring myself to tell them she had gone to the train station to leave town... You can't MAKE anyone do anything. She CHOSE this. Let the fault, let the blame, let the cleaning up be with her. Yes, I know, I know - but I am stunned to see her fall off track like this - I always thought I would be the one who would be tempted - and I spent so much time avoiding any situation that could be tempting... Well, my HEAD knows it. Inside, I am still grasping about trying to make sense of it -and the only one I can see to blame is me...
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Yes, I know, I know - but I am stunned to see her fall off track like this - I always thought I would be the one who would be tempted - and I spent so much time avoiding any situation that could be tempting...
Well, my HEAD knows it. Inside, I am still grasping about trying to make sense of it -and the only one I can see to blame is me... I go to AA mtgs and I have been in a lot of meetings lately where people with LONG TERM sobriety... 20 plus years are going back out and drinking. It didn't just happen -one day you wake up and decide to drink. Over time it's the little things, the little choices. She could have come here and talked about her struggles, she could have talked to you, she could have done a number of things that she might have told others to do. You admit you were tempted and did the THINGS to make sure it didn't happen. She wasn't as thoughtful. Of course you are grasping to make sense out of it. That's what we BS's do, try to make sense out of other peoples actions and choices. We can't. Because we aren't them. If you are the only to see as the blame, then like me I offer that you are a controlling person who thinks that you have cause and effect in other's lives. That's the LIE. You can't control anyone but yourself. You are powerless over people, places and things. And when you think you can control her or anyone else your life becomes unmanageable and you are sooner or later going to get hurt. Like now. Breathe.... Just breathe and be still. You sound like a very caring person who understands what you are involved in. Let G-d work in this. Start over on here like you are brand new and don't know anything. Trust the others who have gone before you. Act... stop reacting... You can do this.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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The background from her perspective; posted 12 May 2007 On February 3, 1999, my husband stunned me by walking out on our family for another woman. I had suspected something was wrong…we barely spoke to each other or laughed together anymore—but I still wanted to snuggle with him and I still wanted to laugh with him, so I didn’t even think of another woman. It didn’t dawn on me. Of course, hindsight is 20/20.
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Naturally, since I was no longer looking for someone, that's when I met my new H. My H had also had a D...his W of 20 years went to college, fell in love with a kid a little more than half her age, left him and their kids, filed for D. Although my H knew of MB concepts and tried to use them, she was so gone that all he saw of her was the dust behind her vehicle as it sped away. So thanks to "no-fault" D, H ended up D'ed in a couple months--which also just so happened to be the time that "junior" decided he wanted to be with someone his own age and left WW stone cold (surprise surprise ).
Anyway, D is final, H moves on, WexW goes through BF's like water, and he ends up with all the kids. Life is cool, except for one thing...he's thinking "Who would want a 50yo with 5 kids?" I'll tell ya who...ME! I LOVE kids and wished that I could have had more! So I met DH through a friend of a friend on the internet...and we begin to write publicly for a while with our mutual friend. then we being to chat on IM. Then phone calls. He's an AMAZING person and sweet as the day is long...and the more I got to know of him, the more I admired him and thought highly of him. We met in person, and a) yes he was cute as a button, and b) yes he was really the person I thought he was from all the chatting and phoning. Sooooo...after that we dated for a year. Oh, happy days! Who would have EVER guessed that a 40-something year old woman could feel like a teenager again? Who would have EVER guessed that there'd be someone out there for me??
We were married on March 31, 2006, and just recently celebrated our first anniversary. Yes, it's strange to have a first anniversary at the age of 45 and 50, but oh well!!
And now you know...The Rest of the Story!!
--CJ
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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............. -and the only one I can see to blame is me... STOP IT! It is 100% her choice to step outside the marriage!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Wow tst - thanks for posting CJs story - I wasn't aware it was still around...
I agree it is 100% her choice to step out - I am more concerned that these things DON'T happen is a vacuum
Well - there is time to work on me later anyway...
I just don't want to have to do this AGAIN
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We were married on March 31, 2006 CJ, when you read this, you sent us an invitation to your wedding. I am as responsible for your marriage as those who witnessed your vows and stood up for you in person! TOF, you need a plan.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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The really horrible thing is: I lied TO THE KIDS the other day when CJ took off - when we came home together, I told the kids she had been for a long walk... I couldn't bring myself to tell them she had gone to the train station to leave town... Fearless guy would do what?
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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The background from her perspective; posted 12 May 2007 I'm just shocked that someone who posted in this vein in 2007, describing the terrible course of her exH's affair, could be deep in an affair 2.5 years later, only 3.5 years into her new marriage, and having been educated here on MB for so many years.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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