d-day was just 3 weeks ago. I'm totally lost at what to do this time. This is my H's 2nd A in just three years. Last time we did phone counseling with SH and he did everything right. NC letter and was remorseful... etc... Now here we are three years later and I just found out about a 2nd A with different OW. I have no idea what to do this time around. He's remorseful again and we're back in MC with Steve but this time is different. He moved into the guest bedroom and I'm just cold with him. I cant' believe after everything we've already been through that we're here again. Last time I took some responsibility for not meeting his EN but this time I just can't. I was meeting all of his needs and it still happened. I'm really on the fence about R or D even though he's doing everything right this time. He's reading books, in IC and MC. He's been posting daily on SI. I just feel like I'm in limbo. I can't move forward or backwards I'm just stuck. Anyone out there who has recovered from Multiple A with Multiple OW and been through counseling each time???? I need to talk to someone who's been in my shoes....

I have, unfortunately. But my H's multiple affairs were all disclosed at the same time. I don't think I could go through it again, although some people have.

I'm guessing the first time around, your husband's heart didn't change. He just "said all the right things". Personally, I'd probably go straight to plan D, but if I did want to keep the marriage, I'd have to DETACH from him for a long while until I knew for dayum sure there was a real change in his thinking and his heart.

We've been working on recovery for 3 years now and my husband has SLOWLY been getting a clue. His mindset was a rollercoaster of "saying the right things" and waywardness in the next breath. I am only just now thinking his heart might be shifting in the right place.

But this comes after months of marriage counseling with a excellent christian therapist who is also educated in getting to the root issues, and believes alot of the same things Harley does.

He did see an IC for about a year and a half, but that therapist did more harm than good in my opinion. She was all about his "individual" happiness, and not the marriage. I believe she made him even more selfish and self centered, if that is possible.

Also, I believe the biggest change came over the last two months since he's been going to C.O.R.E. group mens meetings and just recently, a weekend outing. They bared their souls to each other and he came back from that weekend trip "different". I'm still skeptical, but I'm watching and waiting. His mindset seems to have shifted somewhat. I feel safer now.

I used detachment alot during this time. It was that or divorce, and although I was extremely close many times, I saw a glimmer of hope the whole time. That hope is getting bigger now. But, I'm still cautious and he knows it.

Harley says it's almost impossible to get over the resentment of a second affair, so give yourself a break. You don't have to make any drastic moves or decide right away what you're going to do. Give yourself time to think. Kick him out, or move out, if you need to. I'm thinking I would. A second affair is different. You don't need to plan A now. You did that already. Now it's time for plan B, or D.

Just know this.....you do not need HIM. Sure, we all want intimacy, but not from someone who abuses you. He doesn't deserve you right now.

Now is the time to take care of you. Focus on what YOU need, and only you, to get you through this right now.

{{{{{{{{{{{Daisy}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I don't believe our sitchs can be considered the same. I can tell you that my WH had multiple A with many women over a span of many years. However, I didn't find out until he got honest with me about stuff. And for us that was the beginning of a new relationship.

If I'm understanding you have been in recovery and he went out and had another A?

If that's the case, I guess the first thing I would recommend is breathe... be easy on yourself and don't make any decisions. You don't have to do anything but breathe, take in information and be easy on yourself.