My wife had an affair on me this year, we reconciled but I'm super overwhelmed at this point. I will do my best to tell the story and keep it brief.

We've been married for 7 years, we have a daughter who just turned 3. I have been a faithful husband and my wife is the only woman I've ever been with.

I'm a musician for a living - we often tour together as a family and on some occasions I travel alone for "spot dates" where I do 2 or 3 shows. My wife never communicated much unhappiness during our marriage. We were the couple that most all our friends and family looked up to. We hit some rough patches with life circumstances such as family members passing, no insurance when our daughter was born and having to sell our first house.

Earlier this year my wife wanted a girls night out so I got her on the guest list for a concert. The performing artist was a friend of mine, so I was excited that I could get her on the list. The artist ended up being very flirty with my wife, which caught her off guard. I was completely blind to something like this happening because the other artist was married and 13 years older then my wife. I would have never suspected anything.

Nothing happened at the first show but my wife told me she wanted to go to his next show (which was an hour away) and take her cousin. I wasn't into the idea but her cousin didn't get out much and I trusted my wife. I figured she just wanted to take her cousin out for a good time. That could of been the case, but that night my wife ended up making out with the artist. She came home and didn't tell me what happened... then two days later confessed that she was "unhappy" in life. I stayed really calm and tried to be there for her. We were supposed to take a trip together later that month but she asked me if she could visit a friend instead. She used her unhappiness as her reasoning, that she just needed a break and that visiting a friend would be fun. I knew the friend she said she was visiting and didn't think much of the traveling because I've traveled a lot in my life and I was always truthful about where I was going.

My wife was actually visiting this artist, came home from this trip and wanted to have a talk about our marriage. I was still completely blind to what was going on. I spent the next 4 months trying to save my marriage - although I didn't understand what was going on. She ended up visiting this man 4 times before she eventually called off the affair. A few people in our circle of friends started putting together the pieces and she confessed to me. I reacted with immediate acceptance and forgiveness. I even texted the artist (who was a friend) and told him that I forgave him.

A week later my wife ended up having a miscarriage - which was from her affair and she got a job so she could take her mind off everything. We remained living in the same house and I worked hard at reconciling the marriage even though it seemed impossible. My wife made statements saying she could never be "intimate again" or be in a relationship again. Then after the first day at her new job she went to work related party, got drunk and ended up sleeping with a co-worker.

So now I was trying to restore her and build her back up because she felt so ashamed of everything. On the 4th of July we were watching fireworks with friends... I pulled her close to me for a picture and she pulled away. It all hit me in that moment and I collapsed in front of all our friends. Some kind of panic attack. Most of my friends were telling me to leave at this point but I was determined to see the marriage restored. I was reading this "love dare" book and just doing everything I could to show her love. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie about a month after the affair ended and she said she was ready to be intimate again with me.

It was very encouraging watching it all turn around but then I started to notice other things.

a) she was working a minimum wage job while I was watching our daughter - so my income was getting lower and we were struggling financially. We became behind on car payments and stuff and needed to restructure.

b) most of our close friends found out about the affair. it made all of the relationships awkward and some friends decided they didn't want to be close to my wife anymore

c) we didn't reveal the affair to our family (either side) and it made me feel disconnected to my family. My father has already passed away so my father in law is like the father figure in my life. Keeping it from him was very difficult and I missed his council in my life.

d) I was disillusioned about the affair because she originally lied to me. When she confessed the affair she said they only slept together 2 or 3 times. I quickly realized that there was more to the story and that their sexual relationship was frequent and intense during those trips. These were trips that I paid for while trying to save my marriage. I booked their hotel rooms. I was manipulated, lied to and so forth. And they weren't even friends prior to this, they met once or twice before the show.

Fast forward ahead... it's been 5 months since the affair. We have sort of started a new life, moved to a new city and everything. Our relationship is going well and my wife thinks our relationship is better then it's ever been before.

My problem is that this artist works in my same career field. We are actually two of the most successful artists within our sub-genre of music - so his name comes up in my personal life almost every day. Because the affair never went public, I have to act natural and not let it bother me... but it does. This man is older then me, in the same career field, slept with my wife and even released songs talking about my wife (although no one else knows who the songs are directed to).

I feel my self confidence and enjoyment of life slipping away. I've tried to be optimistic and hard working through the whole ordeal. I've tried to focus on my wife's restoration but I feel like I'm breaking more and more.

On top of that... my wife was sexually active before we got married and now has been with two men during our marriage. Considering that she is the only woman I've been with...... it becomes increasingly hard to accept. I don't feel confident sexually, I just feel undesirable and I take things deeply personal.

I feel very drained... I feel like I have given everything I have and it is still hard for my wife to show much affection towards me. We don't fight a lot and we do fun things together.... but I just feel myself slipping away. As a musician, I've always been transparent as a writer. I find it hard to conceal such heavy feelings - keeping what we went through a secret has been difficult for me. I pour out my heart to audiences for a living, but I feel disconnected - and hearing the other mans name brought up while I'm visiting with other friends hits me hard every time.

haha... it's crazy, I visit studios and see his picture. Only a few of my friends know, so many friends or people I see while working bring up his name unknowingly.

Well - I ended up typing more then I intended. None the less - I have moments where I strongly consider getting a divorce. Holding this in, keeping it from family, hearing the other mans name all the time.... it's all to much and overwhelming. I'm self employed and trying to hold things together but I feel like I need a break. I don't want to do concerts, tours and stuff right now. My career depends on me pouring myself out to people - I can't supplement my income doing anything else. I make enough money per month that without working I could afford my own apartment - but the demand to pay for all our family expenses requires me to work hard.

The pain of all this is just wearing me out. And then to put on a face or hide what I'm going through from friends/family and stuff. I'm just kind of at a loss of what to do.

AD-

Sorry that you are here man. I am in similar situation and am too new to offer any kind of advice, however I can tell you that the others on here are very knowledgeable and helpful.

Have you read a lot of the links from Dr. Harley on the site? Read some other threads too if you haven't. I have found them to be very helpful.

Take it a day at a time.

I've read a lot on the site and it's helped me a ton.

Part of me just feels like I've been so bent on "doing the right thing". I was raised in a broken home and I don't want to raise my daughter in a broken home. I've been putting so much energy into making everything work out and I'm starting to question if it's worth it. If I'm going to battle and struggle with the fact that my wife had an affair on me for the rest of our marriage then I might just need to end it.

I want to have a simple life... lower expenses and work less so we can spend more time together. Even coming off the affair I feel like she just wants me to grind, be a bread winner, provide a good life and then watch our daughter so she can have her own social life.

It really borders on abuse sometimes.... I feel like I've been taken advantage of and walked over. I don' really know how to stop the cycle. I never really "allowed" myself to consider divorce but I'm starting to think about it more often. The affair is just so much to overcome at times.... I'm a committed and faithful man. My family is priority for me but I don't see why I should remain in a marriage with a woman who is not equally committed - especially after coming off such a nasty affair.

Anonymous,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You'll find some comfort here. We know what you are going through, because we've been there, done that.

I completely understand the isolation you seem to be feeling. I too left my family out of the loop, isolated myself from them, to save myself the shame of it all. I was also trying to protect my husband from it too. I thought our recovery would be easier that way. I was wrong. It hindered my recovery, as well as the marriage recovery.

You will learn here that exposure is a great tool for two reasons. One, you need the support. I finally told my family and I'm soooo glad I did. They are there for me. They understand why I've been acting the way I have. They've told me that they will support me in whatever I decide to do. They trust me to do what's best for me. They will except my husband if I do. Not being isolated that way has helped me tremendously. It was hard to tell, but so worth it.

Second, you telling your family will be a wake up call I believe for your wife. She'll have to face the consequences of her actions. There's a saying around here that goes something like, "Never protect a wayward from the consequences of their actions". You getting the help and support you need is not to punish her, it is to help your marriage heal from her abuse to you. And you were abused.

Exposure is usually used to end an affair, however, I believe your wife still has a "wayward" mindset. As long as her dirty little secret is kept that way, she has no consequences to face. No one to be accountable to. Please read up here about "independent behaviors" and why they scream waywardness.

I sense you're feeling hopeless and helpless. What will cure that is having boundaries for yourself. If you haven't read Dr. Harley's book yet "Surviving an Affair", I suggest you get it asap. See what he says about recovering from affairs. Let what he suggest (extraordinary precautions) be a basis for your boundaries. You'd be wise to not accept any less from your wife. The boundaries I refer to are to protect YOU, and your marriage. YOU decide what you are willing to accept or not, put pre-planned, graduating, stated consequences in place for your boundaries, then tell your wife what they are, and then defend your boundaries. THAT will keep you from feeling run over and hopeless. You won't feel as angry either.

Stand up for yourself, with boundaries, and you'll get your life and your spirit back.

Anonymous......

One very important thing I forgot to add. You need to expose your wife's affair with that other musician to the musician's wife. It is very unfair to the other man's wife that she's being kept in the dark about what her husband is doing behind her back. If the OM's wife finds out later that you knew all along, she'll resent you for it. I would.

Same thing happened to me. I resented the people who knew what my husband was up to and didn't tell me. That was humiliating to me. I've forgiven them pretty much, but I don't trust them to be a friend of my marriage, or a friend period.

Wouldn't you want to know?

Plus, it sounds like this musician may have done this with more women, other than your wife. The OM's wife needs to know and get tested for STDs. He is literally putting his wife in danger. Their marriage is probably a chit sandwich, and he could be blaming her for that. She has the right to know the truth about her life. Please give it to her so that she can protect herself.

Let the consequences fall where they may.

I'm off to bed but a couple notes

1) Yes, this musician was being promiscuous with other woman before the affair with my wife. The musicians wife does know about the affair. He wanted to keep it a secret and begged my wife to say it was someone else instead of him but she told me the truth. He told the truth shortly after as well.

2) Not telling the family came about for so many different reasons. First of all.... my father is passed away. My mother and father got divorced when I was young - and my step father had 3 affairs on my mother before they eventually got divorced as well. My wife's family has suffered affairs in almost every relationship on her fathers side. Her father is actually the only husband that has been faithful out of all his brothers.

3. We do have friends that know and some pastors that I spoke closely with. My wife lost her best friend because of the affair - At this point my wife just wants to move forward and not revisit the past. I understand why she wouldn't want to dig up her own pain from the situation but I don't want to move forward in an unhealthy way. Our honesty and communication is great - but yeah, I think we need to be more open with our family about what happened. It's difficult because I know all of our family will look at my wife differently with this information, it will make a lot of the family relationships awkward but atleast things would be honest.

When I'm spending time with my wife - I often forget about everything and just feel excited to be with her. But when we are apart, or when I'm reminded of the other artists name during my own work I feel like the offense is just to much to overcome.

ad,

I'm sorry that you have had this experience.Welcome to Marriage Builders.

There is some unfinished business from this affair, and you will not be able to begin recovery until these things are dealt with.

It is very common for an affair to continue after D Day, no matter how much the WS promises that it has ended.

Dr Harley recommends that there must be a formal ending to the affair. A non-contact letter must be written by your wife declaring an end to contact forever. It must be written to support you and the marriage and must not contain any phrases expressing love, regret or best wishes for the future. Dr Harley has written his own suggestions for such a letter and I will try and find it and post later. YOU must read and approve the letter and YOU must send it, to make sure that it has been sent. Some WSs say that they will post or email the letter and never do so.

Even though such a letter is sent, it is very common for the WS to contact the OP and explain that the letter was forced by you. Contact continues, very often physical. You must find a way of checking whether the two are in contact, without telling your wife what you are doing. You need to monitor her email, mobile phone and landline activities, and verify where she is when she is not with you. Is there any way this man could visit your house when you are not there?

I think it is very likely that your wife has maintained some form of contact because she seems to have become very emotionally entangled with this man. If you are not vigilant, you will discover at some time in the future that this affair continued - and she might leave you.

You do not seem to have dealt with the one-night stand. It sounds as if your wife is still working in the same place as him. This must end. They could easily carry on their relationship at work and you would never know. It is astonishing that a married woman who had just been involved with one affair could sleep with a stranger on the first day at a new job. She must have very weak boundaries and is vulnerable to any kind of behaviour. This needs to be tackled.

You need to find out who the co-worker is and expose to his partner, and your wife needs to leave that job.

You need to expose to the musician's wife, as mopey advised.

Your wife obviously had unprotected sex (since she got pregnant), and this may have been true for both affairs. You and she BOTH need to be tested for STDs, and so should these men's partners. You should advise them of this when exposing.

Your wife's becoming pregnant is a big issue that you have not dwelt on here. Have you any idea whether the pregnancy was planned and whether she meant to leave you? How has she reacted to the miscarriage? Do you think she has emotionally returned to you, or is she grieving for her affair and her lost baby?

It is not surprising that you feel uncertain and depressed. It might not be a good idea to make a decision to divorce so soon after the event, when your emotions are unstable. You will feel more in control if you to deal with the unfinished affair business and to see whether your wife engages with you with enthusiasm soon. If she is still acting somewhat withdrawn from you after 5 months and a move to a new city, it might be because she is still in contact with OM. You will only see changes in her behaviour once she has had no contact with him for a few months.

There is a problem with his being a public figure and prominent in the same field as you. You will be triggered by hearing about him, and so will your wife. This will make recovery harder than if he could just disappear.

What proof do you have that he told the truth to his wife? If you only know because he or your wife told you so, then you should not believe it. You should speak to her yourself, and do not warn your wife or OM that you are doing so. OM has probably already spun the story so that it sounds like less than it was, if he has told his wife anything at all. Does she know about the miscarriage?

It would be good for you to speak directly to her again even if she does know the full story, to find out whether she has noticed any continuing contact at her end. You should make an agreement to monitor activities and let the other spouse know if contact transpires.

The affair is the immedisate issue, Iagree. However, your description of your wife as such a "taker", one not willing to do her share and more than willing to allow you to grind yourself down to a nub, is very disturbing, as well. I went through this, too, in addition to the infidelity. I started researching Borderline Personality Disorder and the NPd.

AD,

You're learning the difference between you setting requirements to recover the marriage, and your WW just wanting to put her repeated infidelities behind her.

She has to earn back the marriage. See, she busted it to pieces. Tell her. Up to her to do the repair work--like you, she has to personally recover...even if you decide to divorce...she still has her personal recovery to deal with.

Stop dumbing down your WW. She KNOWS she's doing damage to The Marriage, her child, her real partner (you)...and herself. She's doing damage until she can truly own what she did, why she did it, and how and why she won't do it again. That's true forgiveness...not crisis response kind.

Inform the AP (affair partner) that he is not forgiven by you for his part in tearing asunder...'k?

Inform your WW she is NOT forgiven until she follows the above formula...which is how God laid out human to human forgiveness...for within it we are closer to Him...it's how we grow with each other. Without it, we continue to do harm, and say "At least I'm not currently sleeping around outside my marriage" to cover a lot of damage still being done.

Doesn't sound to me like you've read the Policy of Radical Honesty here on MB...that's where you are honor bound to inform her of what your thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions are right now...including divorce...for what she has done may be irreparable...only you can decide that. That's your responsibility. Her decision is to choose if she wants more than anything to be in love with the father of her baby girl or not.

It's a choice. She can begin today in personal recovery...putting into place extraordinary precautions, acting transparent and doing her amends...or she can still act from torment and a wayward mindset...for the NEXT time she's going to screw over her marriage, her husband, her daughter and herself.

The incredible pain from infidelity goes into everyone...please take these posters advice about informing, asking others to love and support The Marriage first...and share your dream of a fully recovered, thriving marriage.

You can do this. Do NOT enable...that's not love. Do your half of the work now...verifying, clarifying, not sweeping away your personal recovery to help her forget (enables future self-betrayal by her in the future)...stop focusing on you holding yourself to the sanctity of marriage...her being your one and only...because if that's where your focus is...then you'll sink your marriage, too.

That comes later. That comes from understanding the enormity of how low your WW degraded herself, The Marriage and you. It's huge. Save it for when you've practiced healthy boundary enforcements...and stopped enabling atrocious behavior. That's not how God says for a husband to love his wife...God does not enable us...do not treat your WW was incapable. She's your equal in every way. She knows what she's doing. Make sure to inform you know that she knows, that she's choosing...and healing separately and together is really tough...least two years for her choices to get there...a lot of work and choosing differently.

Totally worth it for your DD and your marriage. There is no forgetting...and there is eventual forgiveness...and because it's not instant, makes all the difference.

LA

The relationship you have with your family is built on a facade right now, IMO. You may be very surprised to see how the relationship grows with this new knowledge becoming a part of the family's story. Of COURSE your W wants it to go away. Less consequence for her. She should not have that option, however. It's NOT ABOUT HER anymore. It's about YOU, the abuse you have suffered, and the healing of your M. Neither of you should forget that - it needs to be the cornerstone of your rebuilding. Ask as many questions as you need to in order to process the mess. Do what you need to do to own your healing. She doesn't get to dictate that. The person who has damaged you the most now needs to do whatever it takes to help repair you.

Expect to feel pretty rocky for awhile. This is one of the times when you're going to occasionally wish you had a 'fast-forward' button on your life, in order to get past the pain. It will eventually help you, though. I promise you that. You will be stronger.

And may I add? What a piece of sh*t! To beg your W to name someone else as her AP! Just goes to underscore: the WS always affairs DOWN.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

You have already gotten great advice but I just wanted to add a couple of things.

First, did you know that BS can suffer PTSD/depression following dday? I think I suffered some PTSD the year following(dwelling on the A, nightmares, excessive crying, drinking to cope). Looking back, I probably should have gotten some help. Anyway, some of the things in your post and seeing everything that you have been through made me wonder if you aren't suffering PTSD yourself (feeling overwhelmed, drained, your breakdown, etc) I just want to encourage you to see your doc if you feel like your struggling, ok?

Mopey was spot on with what she said about exposure, but I also wanted to post the last paragraph of Dr. Harley's from his article "When Should An Affair Be Exposed?": If you want to read the whole article, LMK and I will post it.


Once the A has ended, I truly believe in following ALL the steps here on MB.
That means:
~ exposure
~ 100% NC, (no emails, no phone calls, no seeing each other at gatherings, no FB contact, nothing)
~ sending a NC letter
~ and putting ExtraOrdinary Precautions (EPs) in place to prevent another A
~ learning about meeting ENs and avoiding Lovebusters, Radical Honesty, 15 hrs a week together, etc

The folks that don't follow through with the above are the ones who seem to have the WSs that "don't get it" or don't make much progress.

It sounds like you are doing all the work in recovering from this affair which is probably a big part of why you are struggling so much. Have you shared any of the marriage-building information you have found at this site with your WW? Is she willing to fill out the questionnaires and learn about ENs and LBs? Is she willing to put EPs in place to prevent another affair from happening and to help you feel safe?

It's OK for you to let her know that you are going to need more from her in order to recover from her affairs. Hang in there.

ETA: When/if you talk to your WW, do not talk to her about exposure.

I wanted to touch on a couple of the things everyone mentioned.

1) Contact - My wife had the miscarriage after the affair ended in June. At that point my wife wanted to tell him about the miscarriage cause she felt like he deserved to know. She was honest about this with me and I permitted the contact for that purpose only. As many would guess though - that opened up their communication again. I know they were not seeing eachother because the other man lives about 24 hours away and our lifestyle was very monitored. But I became suspicious and checked the phone records. When I discovered that they started talking again I raised my voice for the first time during the whole thing. I called the other man and left a very powerful voice message - it wasn't hateful but I literally felt righteous anger and power. My wife tried to deny that they were talking but I had the evidence and was tired of being a push over. I spoke very powerful (not hateful) and she broke-down.

2. I did contact the other mans wife. Here is the kicker - this artist had already been kicked out of his own home because he was sleeping around on his wife and using drugs. I didn't know this, and I contacted the other mans wife during my relationship problems (before I knew about the affair) to get a womans perspective on how I could help my wife. Once I knew about the affair, I contacted the other mans wife to let her know that I didn't know about the affair when I originally contacted her, she told me that she didn't know either and confirmed that she knew about it now.

3. As for the one night stand - I will break down a few things with that. First of all, this was a mall job at a clothing store. It was after the first day of work and my wife started drinking at a get together (it wasn't even a party - just a small get together). She got trashed taking shots (we have never been drinkers during our 7 years of marriage) and ended up sleeping with a guy who was two years younger then her. This happened after the affair ended and before we were restored. My wifes friend was at the same get together, realized what happened and told the guy immediately that my wife was married and had a child. The guy started crying and felt terrible. Honestly, the guy was just a kid..... a kid who was taking advantage of a drunk girl none the less. Anyway, the job is over - I even walked in the store and met the guy. That situation was much easier to sort through because I honestly feel it was a drunk mistake when my wife was already at her lowest from the affair and miscarriage.

4. In terms of the other man, he was definitely a step down. My wife was a troubled teenager before we married. She got involved with the wrong crowd, slept around and did drugs during high school. When we married she was not even of legal drinking age and I didn't drink because my father was an alcoholic. So during 7 years of marriage we never smoked, drank, cussed, slept around or anything. That was stuff from her past and she was proud to have overcome it all and have a family. Once this affair started, my wife was smoking cigarettes, smoked weed a couple times with the other man, got so drunk one time with the other man that she passed out and almost hit her head on the concrete. It's like all her boundaries and her lifestyle totally changed overnight. This man is only 7 years younger then my wifes father. He has been taking advantage of many girls during his touring years and has corrupted many younger artists who have toured with him and looked up to him.

5. Exposure - my mom and my inlaws knew we were going through marital problems. I know some of the issues were probably brewing in my wife - but from the outside looking in (and from my own perspective) the marriage was going really well. Things changed very quickly..... the affair started late March and only lasted till June. My wife did tell her father that she was "no longer in love with me" and so the family knew we were going through something. My father-in-law has been around long enough to know that a married couple doesn't go from things going good to bad overnight for no reason. I think he suspects that an affair happened but he probably has no idea the extent of it. He had a heart to heart with my wife and told her that he knows "something" happened and he knows it wasn't me. He told my wife that he would never cheat or leave her mother - and he knows that I'm the same way. So in his own words, he let her know that he "knew"....

Since we have moved we no longer live in the same city as my mom or my inlaws.

haha... nothing funny but I feel a little brain dead typing this all out. Today I feel really good but I'm just so frustrated that I've been put through this. It's crazy... I've recorded songs with this artist and because he's older I listened to his music during my high school years. It's an insane worst case scenario for me. Me and the artist are almost complete opposites. Our personalities are not the same at all - and because I know his personality so well sometimes I feel like I need to change who I am. He's the life of the party, class clown type of guy... but really a "happy face sad clown". I think my wife was so drawn to him because he shared his "sad clown" with her.... she could relate in the ways that she had been putting on her own face and they had an instant connection. It's an area that I can't relate with much (until now) because I've never been the type to put on a face. If I'm tired, I look tired. If I'm sad, I look sad... so it's never much of a mystery.

Thanks for all the feedback. What I want to do is just show my wife this thread. haha. Read it together so she can see that I'm not crazy and that some of the things I want for the reconciliation process are very normal and understandable.

I truly believe my wife is doing well - that she is in the marriage. She isn't depressed anymore... also, from the moment the affair started she stopped sleeping with me. We didn't start sleeping together again until after the affair ended. So there are some things like that in our life that give me a good indication that she is committed back to the relationship. But none the less, I think she fails to realize that there is a certain structure I need in order to go through my own healing and feel secure in the relationship.

I know my first two posts were extremely long. It's hard for me to sort through all this information in my head.

I'm only 28 years old - been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I love my wife and I've demonstrated that by staying with her after the affair, seeking to meet more emotional needs and providing.

I just don't feel like I'm getting the same effort back. I'm not treated terrible - but I don't feel important or like I'm the "love of her life." I just feel like she sees me as a good man that she married when she is young and now shes going to work it out because it's the best option.

I'm sure many of these feelings are just my own insecurities - but I want to be adored to. My wife is beautiful and shes had men gunning for her attention her whole life. I saved myself for my wife - and I put everything I have into this marriage. I haven't been a perfect husband but I've always sought out advice and studied to get better. My wife promised that she would do the 40 day love dare with me but she didn't follow through. I ended up doing it myself - and I was the BS.

My wife is enjoying life right now - she is enjoying my support, enjoying our new home, enjoying her social life but I don't think she truly understands how destroyed I am. To continue being a musician and constantly hearing the name of the OM is so humiliating. Words from his songs go through my head.

It's just difficult cause I'm so dead-set on making this work because I love my wife so much, but getting over the pain is overwhelming. Especially since we are so young. How can I feel at peace pushing forward my career (I typically work from home anyway) or traveling out of town when I've faced such betrayal.

And I'm embarrassed that I didn't pick up on the affair sooner. I was paying for it - my wife makes no income so I was sending her on a plane, giving her spending money and paying for a hotel so she could be with another man. I trusted that it was just an issue she was going through and believed that she would never do something like this to me. It makes me feel like an idiot. I remember wrestling over booking the flights but feeling helpless cause my marriage was on the rocks so suddenly. I would say "I don't feel peace about this" and my wife would say "then why do I feel peace - I'm doing this to work on us. I just need to get out of the house for a couple days." I thought to myself... "who I am to question her peace?"

quick update - am I right to feel very uncomfortable about this situation?

here it is.

My daughter just turned three so my wife took a trip to visit her parents. They live one state away. Anyway... tonight my wife got together with a friend (female) and stayed at her place. I talked to my wife around 9:30 PM and it was easy to detect that she was drunk. She told me she had two Mojitos but she couldn't keep her own story strait. Then she said she had two cranberry and vodkas. She also mentioned some wine. This was inbetween saying that she was inside, then saying she was outside. It was very obvious that she had to much to drink. It's important to note that we don't drink - I offer to have "a drink" with her if it's something she enjoys but she declines those opportunities and then drinks to much in the most random situations.

Considering that we are only 5 months out of an affair - I am not comfortable with her getting drunk like this. There are a few very alarming things

1) the friend she was hanging out with is a minor
2) I'm not in the same town - so I have no way of knowing that she is really with the friend. I thought recovery was all about trust but I've learned from this site that it's not about "trust" - it's about honesty and joint agreement. I am not enthusiastic about her getting drunk with a minor while out of town. It concerns me and reveals to me that even if it's nothing more then what it seems (no secrets) - she still has very questionable boundaries.

I am having a hard time addressing all this with her. I feel at a dead-end trying to learn how to establish a healthy recovery. In order for me to recover situations like this can't be happening. It's to much to worry about when I'm already carrying so much weight.

We just moved to a new city - I'm afraid that if I put my foot down with some of this stuff that my wife would just give up. She has been known to say things like "well, for your sake maybe this is just to much to overcome." When she says things like that I just want to come back optimistic and say "no, nothing is to much to overcome." - but the point is, she is not helping me get better. I've helped her but she hasn't helped me.

I honestly don't even know how I could survive financially and put my foot down at the same time. I'm self employed and I don't make a regular paycheck. Most of my work is from home, but if the home is in emotional distress it's very difficult for me to be effective at my work.

On top of all that... if we did get a divorce I couldn't bear not living with my daughter. It would actually be very easy for me to continue my career and be the primary care taker of my daughter. I could afford a one or two bedroom apartment and work from home without having to stress much about finances. I'm in a position where I'm very capable of providing and caring for my daughter on my own. I would never keep my daughter from her mother - but I refuse to be a weekend daddy. I didn't have the affair, so I think it would be unfair for me to have limited time with my daughter due to poor choices that my wife has made.

I see the goodness and beauty in my wife. I see the amazing parts of her - and I see moments where she is an amazing wife, mother, daughter and friend. But she has this dark streak and it comes out of nowhere. She can go from being sober for months - and then make a terrible decision out of the blue.

The wife of the OM was a woman she sort of looked up to and respected. That's why I'm saying... something is funky with her boundaries. And when she is on good behavior she appears to be a woman who would never cross the lines that she has. But in the heat of the moment she allows her emotions to take control and she looses sight of how her decisions affect her loved ones.

Are you a conflict avoider? Is the only time you can address the A with your WW when you are angry? The reason I ask is because her response of "maybe this is too much to overcome" sounds like something she would say if you were fighting...

Have you recently calmly sat your WW down and let her know you don't feel she is helping you to R from this A and explained why you feel that way? Have you told her you found tools and a plan to help you R and build a stronger better M?

I'm not an angry person, so I don't express things like that when I'm angry. I try to have very calm conversations with her and show her things that make it hard for me to recover. I've spent the last two days reading things on this forum and it's definitely helped me to communicate with words like recovery. I couldn't put some of my struggles into words, so I wasn't avoiding conflict but I was struggling to help her understand why I couldn't just "let things go".

I truly think my wife is recovered from her affair. I believe that she is out of touch with the OM and is not interested in taking steps in that direction. However, she was insensitive to my feelings - and I think in many ways she felt like what she went through was harder then what I went through.

I did have a very good talk with her this morning. The reason she said "maybe it's to much to overcome" is because when she would see me hurt, she didn't know what to do. So she figured if I was that hurt then maybe I should just separate from her for my own benefit. When she said that though, it hurt me even more because I felt like she wasn't fighting for the marriage and it was easy for her to get mad at me if I expressed my hurts.

The OM was still a "friend" of my wifes on facebook. Because we are in the music industry we both have a lot of friends, but none the less it really bothered me. She felt like it was silly and no big deal but today she agreed to let me delete him. I know I will hear his name in my professional life but I'm trying to remove him from my personal life as much as possible. The idea of my wife seeing his status updates made me feel like I needed to read his status updates. Almost like keeping up with what's going on so I don't get blindsided. It just made recovery difficult for me and brought the pain back during daily routines.

I'd be very messed up, too, if my cheating spouse acted as yours has in the aftermath.In fact,that is exactly how my XW did act.So, I divorced her, after giving her ample time and opportunity to stop acting like that and to do the work to fix things.
Your wife does nott seem at all invested in the marriage. And, you sound like a helluva guy. You'll have better options if she does not change.
Why does her family not know about the cheating?

Please clarify this. You deleted him from your Facebook or hers? There can be no successful recovery if your WS has any contact with the OM. This includes posts and comments on Facebook. He should be blocked on her account.