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I was at a house warming party over the weekend and started talking to a guest there. She too was divorced and I told her a little bit of my story.
I mentioned that I was a single mom with 2 kids. She quickly corrected me and said that since I had had a husband, I could not be a single mom. Single mom's are only if the father never married the mother and disowned the kids, or the father had/has no active role in the kid's life.
I told her ExH does see DS for a few hours a week, but I still feel as a single mom as I am doing all the work.
She told me I shouldn't use that phrase and just say that I am a "divorced mom".
Have no clue where she got her expertise on this subject, but am I wrong to call myself a "single mom?"
Cat
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No.
If you're doing the work, YOU get the credit.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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I was at a house warming party over the weekend and started talking to a guest there. She too was divorced and I told her a little bit of my story.
I mentioned that I was a single mom with 2 kids. She quickly corrected me and said that since I had had a husband, I could not be a single mom. Single mom's are only if the father never married the mother and disowned the kids, or the father had/has no active role in the kid's life.
I told her ExH does see DS for a few hours a week, but I still feel as a single mom as I am doing all the work.
She told me I shouldn't use that phrase and just say that I am a "divorced mom".
Have no clue where she got her expertise on this subject, but am I wrong to call myself a "single mom?"
Cat Sigh. Why must overbearing people insist upon inflicting their views upon others? You are a single mom because 1. You are their ONLY mom, therefore, by definition, you are a "single" mom (gotta love my ability to split hairs, LOL  ) Also, (and more importantly) 2. You are a single mom because you choose to define yourself that way. There are also women who call themselves soccer moms (and I could argue that, since they don't actually play the game, just get their kids there, they are 'really' "soccer-facilitating moms", yes? Your divorced acquaintance can call herself whatever she likes. You get to do the same. 
Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/16/09 01:37 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I don't think so I use the term all the time to refer to myself.
It sounds like there are some expectations on her part and she is putting people into a box and shows a little bit of her morals.
Single mom seems to appear at the bottom of her list, whereas Divorced mom, sounds like it appears right above...
lol, oh the stigmata!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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No. You are not wrong. You are single, correct? And a mother?
I was a single mom in this woman's definition, had a child and was never married to the father, and there was an occasion where I was speaking with another woman--who was married at the time--who said that she felt like a single mother since her husband worked so much, and I *did* want to punch her in the mouth, because I worked, provided sole financial support for my son, and was 100% responsible for his well-being/where-being, but you see the difference, right?
Ignore this woman, she's clueless, and doesn't want the label for herself, so of course she can't allow others just like her to have it. She thinks 'divorced mom' holds a higher office than 'single mother', but that's hers. You're both, or something else entirely, whatever you are comfortable with.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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So she asserted that because you were formerly married, you can't be single now that you're divorced??
Jeez, did she ask you to undress in order to prove that you were a mom, too?
If I were you, I'd just write her off as being one of those unfortunate people who skipped 1st-grade English class on the day that "single" was on the list of vocabulary words, and who never caught up...
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Thanks all,
I doubt I'll ever see her again unless the party host has another get together and she is there.
More importantly I am a MOM. Single or not.
I really try not to use that phrase much. I don't know sometimes I think it appears like I'm looking for sympathy from people when I say I am a "single mom", they will look at me and say oh you poor thing, doing it all alone.
I really don't feel that way, most of the time. But sometimes I do want people to know that yeah I don't have a H who is there to help me raise the kids, and am doing it alone, and I will take credit for how my kids turn out...good or bad...
Cat
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I refer to myself as a single mom and I, too, was married and am now divorced. My BFF who is in the same sitch refers to herself as a single mom. Everyone I know in our shoes refers to herself as a single mom. This woman is warped (IMO).
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I am in plan B right now.
No contact with my WH and am at the home, doing it all.
I consider myself a single mom since I have no partner here with me. I am married and dedicated to being hopeful for the future of my marriage but I am the single adult in charge of making sure the family continues to function.
LOL.
I think of single as .....no partner helping with the household.
Not as.....not married and available.
Make sense?
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Not to rain on the indignation party, but I think she was giving you credit for having your children while married. To some people
single mom == got pregnant in some sleazy fashion now raising [censored] children
divorced mom == was married, had children, got divorced.
Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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I refer to myself as (pick one of the following)
"great Mom"
"abandoned Mom"
"Mom who is left holding the bag"
"Single Mom"
"Divorced Mom"
"Mom in spite of XH turning into alien"
This all depends on my mood and day of the week. Please pick one.
These labels do drive me crazy and we should NEVER feel like failures based on our WH. They are the ones that should be wearing the "scarlet letters" and it should be "L" for Losers, or Lunatics.
I personally like the word "Goddess"
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I forgot to put this in my other post,
I usually refer to my self as "me" or "I" but when asked I will say Dad or possibly divorced dad, but usually just dad. I've never said single father.
Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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6 years,
I can see your point about what you said. There have been times when I have heard of "single mom" and thought as you did.
So who knows what this woman was thinking...
Cat
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