That's right. My contention is the "virgin" aspect merely adds a large wrinkle of difficulty in recovery for such "pure" couples.

Added resentment = "why did I bother saving myself"
Fueled taker = "I'm entitled to another partner myself"
added Remorse/loss = there's NO going back to purity
Inadequacy = absent sexual history the remaining pure BS doesn't have any schema of KNOWING their sexual adequacy and they can't trust their partner's attempts to rebuild it, even if they try to.

Mr. W

It looks like I said this but I DID NOT...stillhere, can you fix this? I don't want anything DUDE has said to be confused with what *I* believe.

Thanks!

Yes I agree with you on some of those points, MrWondering....

But on the Added resentment...I could say "why didnt I take up cheating, I had the opportunities" Why because cheating is not right to me...just as having sex before marriage was not the belief at the time of marriage of the "virgin" who married...so I dont think that that is an added resentment, just a different one...and one that BS would not have done either way...If I knew WH was cheating I still would not have cheated...so I think it is kindof a moot point....(I think I used Moot correctly)

Fueled taker?...I can also say I am entitled to another partner, I was faithful to WH for 20 years, even counting years after he cheated...

Okay there is no going back to purity...That is definitly a loss...

And on the inadequacy....I am definitly inadequate..I have only had sex with my WH the past 20 years...I dont think my teenage sex really made me in any way sure of my sexual adequacy...

Yeah, I knew DUDE said it....But I fixed the quote so it is clear that you did not say it MF, sorry about that...

the thing is you don't know if this were true since you and WH's weren't virgins. I'm not sure it would hurt more or less, but I do believe that it does throw in issues for the betrayed to deal with than those who weren't virgins. It just does. For a person who "saved" themselves for having a marriage they way God intended, doing the right thing and advoiding that sin, I could see whole mess of issues for the betrayed to deal with.

Now my H has been my one and only, but I wasn't his first, so I am not in that group.

Not2fun

I also wanted to add that I think this would be especially true for BH's who were virgins when they married......ie....the saving of themselves

I am sorry but I do know for a fact that I could not have hurt anymore than I hurt....Thre is no way I could have hurt more....IMPOSSIBLE.....

And I dont know that I see a "mess of issues" for the betrayed thrown in if you were a virgin before you were married..

Well with all due respect, your view is biased because you weren't. (and mine is also biased because I was)

I never said you hurt was less. I said I am not sure if it would. And it's an answer we will never get because you can't be a virgin/promiscuous when you marry.

As far as issue's, we'll have to agree to disagree on that one. I agree with some that Mr. W stated, plus I think some of the issues all BS's have deal with the deal with in a different degree in intensity....ie. The comparison issue.

But then again, I am of the camp that those who married as virgins (both partners) do have a more special bond than those who don't........not saying the are better, doesn't make me or anyone else worse or less, but it is definately different

not2fun

I can agree to disagree....I am just saying that for me I could not possibly have hurt any more than I did...I barely lived through it...

And I am not saying that you or I hurt more than the other I just really believe that the level of pain would have been the same if I or WH was a virgin or not....for me anyway, betrayal is betrayal.....I took wedding vows that from that day forward meant something....

It didnt hurt less for me because me and WH were not virgins and not one can convince me otherwise....

(((((Still))))),

I know honey....yes adultery hurts......be kind to yourself

not2fun

Thanks Not....

Dday level of pain = immeasurable and incomparable

RECOVERY complicating factors (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

1. Length of marriage

2. Age of spouses

3. Options of spouses (SAHM of four that hasn't been in the job force for awhile almost certainly HAS to try but being "stuck" almost makes divorce NOT an option, which makes boundaries difficult to erect let alone enforce. WS is sometimes unmotivated to work at it...whereas other times...they are)

4. Virgins (sexual and other relationship histories)

5. Children (number of children and their ages)

6. History (previous marriages, how long together even prior to marriage)

7. Dispositions

8. Family history

9. Family support

10. Length of affair

11. Type of affair

12. Pregnancy (with a child of the marriage OR an OC)

13. Etc.

Yes, Mr Wondering that is more like it...

Dr Harley mentions

14. WS being discovered, rather than confessing.

15. WS expressing justification

16. WS not apologising.

17. WS expressing resentment about BS

18. WS vacillating between BS and OP

19. WS trying to maintain contact with OP

20. More than one affair.

The resentment of B.A. and S.K. is a normal emotional reaction to the pain they suffered. The pain was directly associated with their husbands, so now, every time they make love, and lower their emotional defenses, they feel that pain all over again.

But emotional associations fade over time as long as there are no further associations with new painful events. In both cases, their husbands have not had an affair after the revelation, and so I would predict that if they have a normal recovery, where they learn to meet each other's needs, avoid Love Busters and learn to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty to their decisions, the resentment would fade away.

If, on the other hand, either husband were to have another affair, the association would be much harder to extinguish. In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

But there is more to resent than just the number of affairs a husband had in the past. In many cases, an affair is discovered while it's going on, and the unfaithful spouse makes matters worse by choosing to be with the lover and abandoning the spouse and children. That thoughtless act is a huge source of additional resentment for the victimized spouse. He or she not only goes through the pain of discovering the affair, but must also go through the pain of being rejected. The unfaithful spouse often moves away to be with the lover, leaving the spouse all alone to face the terror of abandonment.

Then, if all of that weren't enough, the unfaithful spouse explains that he or she needs time to "sort out" feelings, whatever that means. It actually means that the unfaithful spouse will go to the highest bidder. Whoever makes the unfaithful spouse feel the best, the lover or the spouse, will win the prize of the unfaithful spouse. So he or she spends some time with the lover, and then spends some time with the spouse. Back and forth, trying to "get in touch" with feelings. Can you fathom the resentment that would follow such a horrifying and humiliating experience?

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

Finally, there's all the lies. Your spouse looks right into your eyes and lies to you about everything. Faced with undeniable evidence, he or she grudgingly and defensively admits to one lie after another, rarely accompanied by apologies. How can there ever be trust again?

Overcoming resentment