Update on my situation � haven�t posted since before the server crashed. My original thread was lost but (long) summary as follows:

BH �me 45
WW � 47
DD � 11
DS � 9
Together 25 years
ILYBNILWY � 03/06/09
EA 11/07 - ?
PA 12/08 � 04/09
DDay � 05/21/09
NC broken 06/30/09
Exposure 07/03/09 to My Family, WW Family, OMW & OM mother.

I first started posting in June 2009 having read lot on the MB site for 3 or 4 weeks and had been getting great advice from MBs, particularly Bob Pure and Sugar Cane, there were others but sorry I can�t remember them all. I have been trying to Plan A since Mid June and I know it has worked to some extent because WW has referred to me as becoming �superdad�

We went to counselling in July/August � but WW was still in contact with OM via email/text/IM etc, on 08/0509 in a counselling session she stated she wanted to split up � she was using the sessions as separation counselling, as predicted by Sugar Cane.

On 09/03/2009 when I refused to carry on counselling until there was NC in place, WW stated she would �separate� by moving into spare room, but she would wait until after the kids� birthdays, both in September. Since then WW has not really engaged with me at all, only really talks about practical stuff, very occasionally some light hearted banter, but generally totally withdrawn. Since then we had 3 or 4 fairly heated exchanges along the lines of how unhappy WW is that we weren�t talking about how we would separate and that I was burying my head in the sand and being unreasonable. WW even went to a solicitor to find out her legal position.

WW knows that I will not leave our home and that I do not want to separate.

As far as I can tell OM has now moved on from WW, he lives in a different city having separated from his wife in December 08, and hasn�t seen WW since April. I�ve seen the desperate letter she drafted to him around September expressing her shock at the news he was in a new relationship, when I spoke to her about it on 10/10/09 she said that he now had a GF. Interestingly the same letter contained an apology to OM for all the hassle caused to him by my exposure to his mother!

I think WW is slowly realising that their A didn�t mean as much to him as it did to her (he was her soulmate � puke!) Whether he has or hasn�t a new GF is probably moot as I think he has lost interest in WW (too much hassle/baggage etc), it wouldn�t surprise me if he is just using the GF line to get WW off his back.

WW visited her dad with the kids 3 weeks ago, the last time she did this in April 09 she used it as an opportunity to meet up with OM (the last time they met). Well this time it was a normal visit � no meeting with OM.

Last week WW started sorting out the spare room so she could move in. Yesterday we had another argument about her wanting to separate and me basically saying that she knows where the door is and that I would never stand in her way if she wants to leave, I�m not interested in forcing her to stay in our home.

The kids know something is up and I want to explain to them what is happening but WW is worried that I will tell them �my version� of events (ie the truth!) and she wants to wait until �we have decided what we�re doing� (?) She clearly wants to sit the kids down and tell them that Mum & Dad have decided to split up � I will not agree to this as it is WW who wants to split up, not me.

WW moved into the spare room last night - 10 weeks after she first brought it up.

It seems to me that every time I stand up for myself and my family by reiterating my boundaries, WW has to try and punish me somehow by doing something that she thinks will put more pressure on me to cave in. Is this normal? I need to know whether I�m doing the right things still?

This is hard but I�m still hanging in there. As ever, I appreciate any advice you guys can offer.

RV

I am so sorry for your pain, RV. We have all been through it here so our sympathy is genuine.

Your WW did not bring you or your children in on the decision to have an affair and tear your family apart. Don't feel that you must consult her to tell your children the truth. Sit them down without her and prayerfully, age appropriately tell them the truth. Tell them about the sanctity of M and the promise that you made to their mother and how badly you want to continue the M. Tell them that mommy had a boyfriend and that has hurt you and the M but you still love her and them and are trying to help her back to the family. Tell them it is not their fault.

My DH and I kept the truth about their mother from his children from a former M. Years later she sat them down and "explained" her rewrite of history and these grown children do not even trust their own memories now.

Love your children with honesty and let your WW suffer the consequences of a terrible, immoral, destructive decision that was hers and hers alone.

God's Blessings,

Say

I agree with saynomore. With out consequence (good and bad) we don't learn. We need them to become better people. Have you separated finances yet. This is a great way to bring the real world into their fantasies.

RV, you are overdue for Plan B. I agree that a separation is in order at this point, but her moving into a spare bedroom is not a "separation." That is just being silly. She intends on moving in there, calling it a "separation" and then likely either chasing the OM or hooking up with a new OM.

Whatever she does, you know she is not open to working on your marriage so you will be treated to continued abuse from her. My strong suggestion would be to get a REAL SEPARATION. Hire an aggressive lawyer and try to get her moved out. Failing that, you would have to get another place and move out yourself.

The problem with a continuation of living like this is that it will cause you to completely fall out of love with her eventually. When that happens, your marriage is over. By separating, you protect the remaining love you have for her in the event that she comes out of her fog in the future.

The way I would position this is to tell her you AGREE with the "separation" but that moving into the guest room is not a "separation." You want the real thing and would support her moving out altogether. If she won't comply, then file for divorce and get her out.

You are facing a life of hell if she does what I predict she will do, and that is start dating because she is now living in the guest room and is pretending to be "separated." She won't be hiding her OM anymore, but doing it openly. That is usually what happens.

RV, it would be a crime to not sit your children down and tell them the truth. They have a right to the truth about their own lives. If you don't tell them the truth, their mother will tell them LIES. The sooner you do this the better.

RV,

I won't be able to post properly for a while, but I have bumped a thread about Dr Harley and telling the kids. Dr Harley himself posted to the thread explaining his own position, so you will not get a clearer explanation than his.

Worst night of my life � exposed to kids.

Told WW that we had to do it as kids were starting to get upset and confused following WW�s move into spare room. WW didn�t want to until �things had been decided� I said it had to be the truth and now. WW said it would be �over her dead body�.

I did it and their devastation was so bad I instantly thought I�d made the biggest mistake of my life, I can�t begin to describe how upset they both were at the thought of Mum & Dad splitting up, in trying to comfort them I ended up crying my eyes out, so much for being the strong calm dad. Even now, 15 hours later and after a terrible night�s sleep, I feel no better.

I told WW that I would cancel her credit card, that I�m responsible for, and told her that I can�t allow her independent behaviour to harm our family finances in the future. She gave me the card.

When my kids asked how this happened and why � I just don�t have an answer, I just don�t know. Our lives will never be the same and their loss of innocence is the most tragic part of all.

I think we have reached the point of no return, while I want to fight for my family I just can�t see how I can win this war.

I�m not sure when I will be able to think clearly about what to do about Plan B or Plan D, I suspect WW will actively pursue Plan D.

No-one said it would be easy, but IMO you've done the right thing. Hopefully your WW will come around before she causes further damage to your M and her relationship with her kids.

Over her dead body.

I'm glad you did not cave into WW. You stood up to her as a man. It hurt, as sometimes doing the right thing does. Though if you had backed down it would of removed any respect your WW had for you.

Women do not want to be with door mats. The only thing you did wrong was to ask WW's permision to tell the kids. You do not need her permission or help to expose.

You should of told WW she went and banged the OM without feeling the need to ask your permission you don't need her's now.

Exactly what did you tell your kids?

I know its raw right now. And its like you can't mouth the words about her betrayal. But someday you will be able to calmly tell them that this was their moms choice (it is imperative that they know it wasn't you who wanted this). Do not let them think otherwise. You should protect your relationship with your kids above everything, even the marriage. Glad to hear that you shut off the money. Was she a SAHM? Maybe this will wake her up.

I told them that the reason Mum & Dad have been having arguments recently is because they are both unhappy with each other. Mum wants to split up and dad doesn�t.

At that point there was a huge amount of crying from the kids and questions of �Why?� WW said that she �wasn�t happy with daddy and didn�t love him any more�. When they asked �Why?� she didn�t have an answer. DD said that ��WW should love dad and why won�t she try? it's not right to give up � she also said �that the children in her class whose parents had split up were �different� to the other children�.

I told WW she needed to tell them the truth and WW then went onto say something like �she had a new friend who was really nice� at which point I said it wasn�t just a friend it was a boyfriend and when you are living in a family it is not right for the mum to have a boyfriend.

I said that I loved my family and did not want to give up.

I said that I wouldn�t be leaving and WW said the same.

There was more but I can�t recall all of it.

This morning I said to WW if she ever refers to OM as a good friend and nice person to our kids again, I will sit them down and explain to them exactly why he is not a good friend or nice person. No response from WW. Huge love buster I know but I had to say it.

She is not a SAHM but I pay for 90% of household bills and 100% mortgage. She has said that she wants to sort out our finances - I've said it's quite straight forward she will need to pay me 25% of the total household costs. By removing the credit card she will have to spend more of her money on the household. This way she will have to think carefully about her cash flow. Again probably a huge LB - but it may make her think.

I can identify with your kids as my mom did the same thing. Have you talked with a lawyer. You should file to protect yourself from her tying you into her debt. You don't have to go all the way through but you need to be smart. Plus you can begin to move her out of the house. And regarding the lbs. The most important thing you have right now is your self respect. If that means radical honesty, then let the chips fall where they may.

Did you lie to those kids about her affair? Please tell me you didn't do that to them? Do they fully understand that your marriage is breaking up because of her adultery? They need the full truth along with your moral guidance about her adultery. If you don't teach them right from wrong, she WILL teach them that wrong is right. And it sound to me like she has already begun that lesson by telling them she has a "new boyfriend." If you don't explicitly tell them this is ADULTERY and is IMMORAL they will believe you endorse her adultery and will grow up morally confused.

I am sad that you included her in on this conversation. That only added to the confusion and made sure they didn't get the full truth. She had no reason to be there.

It is not doing it again that is the problem, but in DOING IT ONCE. She is teaching them that adultery is acceptable and you did nothing to stop it. Why wouldn't you tell them RIGHT THEN that OM is not a nice man, he is commiting adultery with their mother and wants to break up their family? Your kids need to know the truth NOW, not later. Someone needs to correct the LIE that the OM is a "nice" man, he is the enemy of their family. And if you don't say it, they will just be confused.

Can we practice a little honesty here, RV? Things are confusing enough without lying in order to whitewash your W's wrongdoing.

They will need to know who the FOX in the henhouse is when she starts openly dating the OM from the spare room. Your wife will want to introduce the kids to her new boyfriend since she is "separated."

I did tell them straight away that Mum's new friend (WW referred to OM as a friend) was not just a friend but a boyfriend and that when you are living in a family it is wrong that Mum can have a boyfriend.

I will talk to them again - this time in a calmer atmosphere without WW, to explain that what Mum has done is wrong so there is no doubt in their mind.

Thanks for the direction

Thanks, RV! Sorry to be so harsh, but you cannot imagine what it is like to be lied to by a corrupt parent. It is so very confusing.

Now, you said you told them you were "splitting up." What is the plan for that? Is she moving out? Because moving to the spare room is not splitting up. That will confuse them horribly.

And if she is allowed to enact this charade of moving into the spare room, pronouncing herself "separated" and then carrying on like an alley cat in heat in front of you and your family, you can expect to live a life of holy hell. As their father, you must protect yourself and your kids from that nasty, pernicious little wayward game.

If she won't end her affair and commit to the marriage, RV, it is time for PLAN B, which is a REAL separation.

You are NOT love busting, RV. You are being straightforward and forcing your WW to see the consequence of her actions. There is NOTHING wrong with that, so don't hedge - keep doing what you're doing.
1. She's choosing to destroy your family by her A. You do not have to finance it. Do not allow her to use ANY of your, or your family's, money in order to conduct her A. POSOM will just have to pick up the tab. Which he probably won't like
2. The OM is NOT a nice man. He is an adulterer who is an active threat to your M and family. Make sure your children understand that Mommy has been making some poor decisions with people who are NOT friends of yours or of your family. That you hope Mommy will see the error of her ways and will come back to the family and away from the person who is so terribly bad for Mommy and your family.
3. Keep showing your WW that you love her, your family and your M, and that you plan to keep it intact. Remain constant in this.
4. Do not sugarcoat the A to your children.

Yep, yep, and yep. Your WW should not be allowed to play at separating. If that's what she wants, then she needs to SEPARATE. As in get her own place. She won't do that because she's got it too good where she is right now - being able to see the kids when she wants, being supported financially, not having to look at reality, being able to play in her fantasy world, knowing that you've got her back financially and emotionally. That all needs to stop, right now. None of this spare bedroom business. Time for a wake-up call.

Mel - just to clarify I told the kids that WW wants to split up and that I do not want that - they are both definitely aware that splitting up would be WW's choice not mine - but I also assured them that it has not happened as yet. I have also said to WW that as long as she lives in our family home she will act as part of our family and not undermine it. I will not tolerate her independent behaviour harming our family. (edited to finish sentence - posted too soon)

MB - Thanks - points taken.

My instinct is that OM is not interested in any sort of R with WW, their last meeting was in April, before DDay. This was just a bit of fun for him and there was never any comittment on his part. I know exposure to his STBXW and Mother was very uncomfortable for him, WW even apologised for it! This A is now only alive in WWs mind - IMO, she is still in a fantasy world, that has become a nightmare for our family.

RV, so what is your wife's plan? To live in the spare room and torment you for years on end while she enjoys your financial support? That seems to be HER PLAN.

So what is your plan? To stay there and continue to enable her abuse in a loveless marriage?