RV, if she will not engage in your marriage, why does she get to continue to reap the benefits of your support? There is no plan here, other than a wayward's "PLAN" to soak you dry for her own benefit.

She doesn't WANT the marriage, but she wants all the benefits of being married. How does that work exactly? Are you content with just keeping her in the house? Is that enough for you?

She is not part of your family and she is undermining your marriage by moving into your spare room. By not committing to the marriage, she is harming you all. She is no more a part of your family and your marriage than the potted plant on the back porch.

RV, I would go check out the newsletter about "when to call it quits" on the newsletter forum.

Your wife is a cakeeater and has no motivation whatsoever to change. You have lowered the bar so drasitically to accommodate her despicable behavior that you have created a monster. She has no motivation whatsoever to change.

I think WW hoped that RV would move out when she asked him to, some months ago. Many men do accept their wives telling them that they are no longer in love and the men should move out. They accept that the wife should have primary care of the children, and thus, the house. The cooperate with the divorce. RV rightly did not do so.

His wife has already taken advice on her rights. Her next step will be to file for divorce while living in the house. I don't know whether she will try for "unreasonable behaviour", which might get her a divorce in under two years. If, not then she will petition on the grounds that the marriage has broken down. As I understand it, if RV agrees to this petition the court will grant the divorce after a two-year separation, which can be in-house. If the couple can agree on a date of separation, which they could say was two years ago, then the only delay would be the months it would take for a judge to decide who gets primary care and how the assets are divided. When a decision is made, one of them will be ordered to leave the house.

I don't know what happens if RV does not agree to the divorce petition. It takes five years to divorce here if one spouse contests the divorce, but I don't know whether a judge would "force" the couple to live together, and the childen to live with that stress, for five years.

Mrs RV will now petition for divorce and wait it out, knowing that a judge will tell the husband to leave. Mrs RV does not plan to live in the spare room forever. She is prepared to wait this out for a year or 18 months, because she knows she will get to stay in the house until the younger child leaves full-time education, or until she cohabits. For her, it is worth living in the spare room for a year to achieve that.

She would have to be proved a very bad mother to be ordered to leave herself.

Big mistake - waywardness and honesty are mutually exclusive behaviours.

This is a talk you should have had alone with the kids, before your WW had a chance to practice her gaslighting on them as well.



Why just 25%? Will the kids be contributing to the finances as well? It should be a 50/50 split, if she can afford it.

RV,

Revisit the conversation with your children. Do your best to answer their questions honestly and in an age appropriate manner. Make sure that they know they can ask you questions anytime and you will answer them as honestly as you possibly can.

You have done well RV. I know the divorce laws are different where you live, but I also know, since we also use English common law here, that you are foolish not to seek good representation and advice right now.

SC has laid out a very likely scenario. I hope there is a way to protect yourself.

God Bless,

JL

You should at least find out whether it is to your advantage to file now, on the grounds of adultery.

Adultery does not give you any financial benefits, nor does it give you primary custody of the kids. I have no idea what it gives a man, but it puts the facts on record, so that he is not sued for unreasonable behaviour, and it might stop him being taken to the cleaners quite as much as otherwise.

Thanks for all your posts � I really appreciate the help you�re giving me. I know I�m not doing this perfectly, I�m just too close to what�s going on to sometimes see the big picture, but I will keep reading and trying.

Update on exposure to kids. Got home last night and DD was with WW, DD very upset. I comforted her and then DD started asking some very pertinent questions � �Why didn�t WW tell me that she was unhappy if that was the case before all this happened? It is not fair that you didn�t tell dad, so he could do something about it�.etc etc. She even blew off some of WW responses � WW was tearful at the end.

About an hour later WW had to go out to the chiropractor and I sat down with both kids to clarify the points Mel raised:

By getting involved with another Man, what Mum has done is wrong and this is why we are in the position we are in at the moment. She lied to Dad about what was going on and that is wrong.

I said that when you live in a family, you have to be honest with each other and not do things which hurt each other or harm the family, doing what Mum has done has done this.

DS 9, said if you lie and hurt your family it is not a proper family and he wants a proper family. I said that's right and I want you guys to know what it takes to have a proper family, one where there is honesty and not lies and one where we work together for each other, not going out and doing things that will hurt the family.

I also pointed out that Mum�s boyfriend is not a nice man. For him to get involved with a Mum who has her own family is wrong and for him do that means that he his a bad person who does not care about our family.

DD, who really does seem to understand what�s going on much more than I would have imagined, said � Dad I believe you more than mum� I asked her why and she said �about a year ago you were out and I woke up and went upstairs to your bedroom to see Mum and she was on the phone, when I asked her who she had been talking to she said a Man that she used to work with� She then asked me if that was OM � I said I�m certain that it was.

DD had a nightmare and came into our bedroom (where I�m sleeping) in the middle of the night and slept in our bed.

RV, can you hire an attorney and get this ball rolling? Can you file on the grounds of adultery? Perhaps this way, you could get the [REAL] separation started and get her out.

Another suggestion would be to ask her to move out volunarily. Tell her that her presence is too painful for you and ask her to move since she won't commit to the marriage.

I certainly think you should be seeking legal counsel about protecting your rights and interests; however, such actions should be occurring on the backside or on the down low. Your WW doesn't need to be privy to such.

In the meantime, if you have the energy, you should continue Plan A'ing her. Her affair is over. She's in withdrawal and finally had the energy to follow through on her intention to move out of the bedroom (it took her 10 weeks). She depressed and withdrawn. She's CONVINCED (just as my wife and most WW's are) that there is NO WAY to restore your marriage/love. Her path to divorce is seemingly a necessity TO HER. It's the only way (and she MAY even think it's the only fair thing for YOU too, since she seemingly can never love you again)

So how do you go about Plan A'ing an unwilling and uncooperative WW? I suggest trying to reengage her in family stuff and trying to meet her needs without mentioning you are trying to do anything. You could even try to get her to go out with you for dinner or a movie or something under the guise "we need a break from this stress...let's just go out and have fun"...then do it without relationship talk, etc. If you used to go out dancing...accidentally, take her someplace where, lo and behold, there's dancing. If you guys used to party...party it up and DON'T bog down the night with relationship talk (unless SHE brings it up and persists over your objections)

There is also the notion that CONFLICT is good. Do not shy away from CONFLICT. Relationships/recovery goes from withdrawal, to conflict, to intimacy. To get to intimacy you must go through conflict. Conflict is BETTER than withdrawal. So when conflict arises, in the back of your mind...smile, because it's an indication that she's engaged in a relationship with you.

I know you've been Plan A'ing for quite awhile now so I'm not even going to suggest you go all out Plan A. You are likely tired of that so you'll have to pick and choose how you want to go about it. At some point myself, back in 2005, I told myself and my WW (at the time) that IF this was going to be the end of our marriage, though I wouldn't participate in divorce talk, I would ATTEMPT to make these next few months great for our daughter. I tried to encourage my wife that we weren't going to make "the end" a horrible experience for our daughter to look back upon. Thus, we went out a bunch as a family. We went to amusement parks and the like...the whole time making love bank deposits and, in hindsight, recovering. I also indicated that "if this is the end", that I wanted to KNOW what was going on in that mind of hers BEFORE we divorced. She owed me that. I BECAME her confidant as SHE was attempting to figure things out for herself. You MAY be able to do the same thing. OM is gone. She needs a friend and if you can bear to listen (calmly and nuetrally)...encourage her to share with you what the heck is going on in her head. The honestly is hurtful at times but if the marriage is going to end anyways (OR RECOVER)...you might as well get to know the girl before it does. (plus, conversation is often an important emotional need for women).

In the end, I recovered my marriage. My wife's affair was short-lived so I didn't have to go through months and months of this agony like you did (don't know if I would have either). Looking back I believe I was able to do it by being confident that "I was her rightful husband" and if she didn't come to understand that and love me back, HER loss...as I'd be willing and able to go on without her. I accepted either outcome and turned such outcome over to God. I did what I could to turn things around. I followed the plans as best I could and eventually saved my marriage with patience, boundaries and persistence (and some manipulations and snooping...all is NOT fair in love and war).

To me, the spare bedroom thing is hurtful but it's not the end. It's a decision she made 10 weeks ago that she finally followed through upon (a possible indication she's coming out of withdrawal). It's NOT written in stone and she's NOT dating anyone else yet (keep snooping). So keep Plan A'ing because you can't Plan B yet and I don't think you want Plan D yet even though you definitely should be preparing for it secretly.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks MrW for your post.

You have described how I see the situation. I think WW is backing herself into a corner, feeling trapped, I think she is trying to make me react, trying to get me to give up on us as well. If I do then I believe she thinks this validates her view that because she is not in love with me and what has gone on since Dday our marriage is over. She can't believe that I still want to recover our M, why would I?

I also think she is extremely angry with me, for fighting for our M - maybe, for interfering with her fantasy - definitely. She is still totally focused on HERSELF.

To be honest my Plan A started to drift a little a couple of months ago, not because I was exhausted, but because I fell into the trap of expecting to see results and when WW appeared to become more withdrawn it affected me. I still feel I've got enough left in the tank to give this one more effort. We have to plan for Xmas and if this is to be our final family Xmas together I want our kids to have one that they will remember for the right reasons.

I still love my W she is a great mother to our kids and a great W.

However, WW is a truly selfish, self-entitled monster who I hope one day will wake up and realise the devastation and hurt she has caused all those who care about her and matter most. Whether we will still be a family when that happens will be in God's hands.

RV