There was another thread on this topic but I think it was lost in the crash.

I have been disturbed by how frequently Facebook has been mentioned around here lately. I googled Facebook Affair and there were over 4 million hits.

I don't think every single WS definitely needs to delete the FB account, but if there was ~
a)any contact or friending between the APs there at any time or
b)a F?WS who has a history of online/social networking affair or
c)there is a question about weak boundaries
~ I just think this is an invitation for trouble.

What are your thoughts?

My FWH has a FB account ~ the only reason I am only comfortable with that because I am the one who set it up and maintains it for him because he is not savvy with the computer. He hardly logs on...he usually needs my help with any typing as he does the hunt and peck on the keyboard. OW and all old coworkers from that job have been blocked and he doesn't know how to change those settings. I asked him if we could merge our accounts recently and he said that was fine, so I am looking into doing that...

Personally I have had friends of the family, old classmates (males) try to chat with me or send me emails. I keep the chat feature turned off now and I also share each and every email with my H and I typically will not respond or keep it very short....but still, I can see how it is a slippery slope even for the BS.

The girl who outed me to WH about my relationship postings on an Irish Forum back in August contacted him on Facebook and it resulted her phoning him for phone sex. And she had just found out that her husband cheated too - so she is a BS too

You wanna know what I am doing on FB - I am playing Farmville I don't like the chat box in FB at all.

I still have a FB account. I didn't meet OM on FB, but we were FB friends at one time. He is blocked now, so even if I searched his name, I wouldn't be able to see his account or anything, and he can't see mine.

My DH and all of my teens are my friends on FB. That's one sure way to make sure you don't do anything inappropriate on there. They can view everything I do. I only use the chat feature to talk to my ODD, who is away at college. I don't do much on FB other than check people's status updates and play some word games with a couple of friends.

I see old high school flames posting on each other's walls and just wonder how long before the old cinders start burning again....

Well I love FB so I have a biased opinion, no doubt. That said, I see FB as no more evil than any other "tool" used by people to conduct an affair.

Are cell phones evil?
IM?
Email?
Postal correspondence?
Live conversation?

None of those things are bad or evil, nor do they attract or invite affairs. They're just tools that are used every day by all kinds of people... and some of them are wayward.

Now if the APs used Facebook extensively to conduct their affair, I'd say it needs to go because of how it triggers the BS. Or perhaps the married couple can share one FB account. The same goes for people with weak boundaries. Share "it" (email, cellphone, Facebook, etc.) with your spouse or don't use "it".

Wow, I think FB is totally different than cell, email, etc.

My sister and I were recently talking about how it's a whole subculture where the social practices are different than IRL. One article I read said it, quote, is designed to promote friendship and interaction.

For me you add in the fact that it is pretty addicting and it is a very chatty joking atmosphere...IDK...I guess what I am trying to say it is dangerous for everyone, nevermind someone who may have wayward tendencies...

The separate issue of a WS who was "friends" with their OP on there at one time, I guess I can just see how it would easily be a trigger or in a moment of weakness, fight with the spouse, etc, it is just a couple of clicks to deblock the OP and look at their picture or initiate contact again...It just seems so risky to me!

LOL, I was playing Farmville with my DS, it was great as he was doing the harvesting, planting, etc. Now he is bored with it so I haven't been on

Susie, I think you're referring to Barnboy, and I have to say I agree. If the wayward has shown a poor ability to maintain boundaries then FB is a bad idea.
Heck, people ping me on FB all day long, but guess what? NO exBFs on there, any responses to old classmates met with Married. Happily. (OK, I lie well, because I don't need additional headaches.)
But yes, in the case you were referring to, I think they're playing with fire. Problem is, and it's too bad we lost the old threads, but I think BB set his wife up with some kind of IM system or something like that as a way for her not to be bored when she was home (alone with 4 kids). FB is NOT a babysitter. FB, in the hands of someone desperate and lonely, is a really bad idea, IMO.
But whatev.
I can't seem to get that point across to people who don't see the tidal wave heading their way.

ITA Ima!

I was also referring to other new posters whose WSs are on FB and have recently "defriended" OP, etc. I was also referring to B_R's thread.

I find it all very disturbing.

I belong to FB and MS. Yes, I have read story after story about how waywards hook up on there.

It is also a way to track their behavior for court or whatever. It is amazing the info you can get from these 2 social networking.
Just my 2 cents.

I think SusieQ is referring to my thread here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2272589&page=1

My FWW started her affair on her phone using a service called "Twinkle". This is a Twitter front-end. She met a lot of new people trying this out -- so did I! -- and we established some lasting friendships as a result. She met OM during some tweets about child-care; he asked for some advice claiming to be a single father, and she obliged. The number of private direct messages grew until one day during a long back-and-forth he persuaded her to give him her phone number.

Reasons I'm comfortable with my FWW's Facebook account:
1. I created it for her and make changes to it on her behalf; she's really not sure how to do that kind of stuff.
2. OM is not just de-friended, he's blocked. Sure, he could create a new account and look her up, but
3. Every friend request shows up in an email to me... not her.
4. Every inbox message is similarly forwarded to my email address, and shows up on my phone when I'm out & about.
5. Her Facebook chat account is always logged into by my server. Every chat, every thing she says or anyone else says is logged and I check it once a week or so.
6. Her affair was not on Facebook, it was on the phone, texting, and eventually in-person. Facebook, Bebo.com, multiple gmail accounts, and Yahoo Mail were their refuges when trying to hide the ongoing affair from me. Fact is, they don't trigger me, but when I see her on the phone I always ask who it is and get worried if she won't tell me immediately. That's a trigger, for sure.
7. I don't consider Facebook any more dangerous than her still possessing a cell phone or an email account.
8. Oh, and yeah... every computer in my house is running a keylogger, the logs of which we both have access to. Now if only I could figure out a way to do that for our iPhones on the cheap.

I am comfortable with the EPs in place. I will never again be deprived of information regarding my wife's online or on-the-phone activities... nor she of mine.

BB, even with your list or EPs, IMO, I still think FB could be dangerous to your WW, especially since she is using it as a regular social outlet ~ but you obviously can do whatever you are comfortable with. I am not sure what you are referring to with the server being related to the chat, I believe she can do that on any computer and then just erase the chat history.

btw, as I stated, I was referring to the many stories that have been posted here lately that mention FB. Suckerpunched, anonymous dude and black_raven are some that come to mind. It seemed to me like the topic deserved its own thread...

I tell you what I love about facebook and that is the EXPOSURE opportunities!! We have done some NUCLEAR exposures on facebook, baby!

That being said, I have seen too many affairs on this forum that began on FB. WS's with weak boundaries will always be vulnerable there.

I know of TWO *RECOVERED* former wayward wives on this forum who completely nuked their facebook accounts when they were contacted or saw contacts with their OM. For example, one FWW had an affair with an old highschool buddy. When she signed on for FB, she friended many of her female friends, who happened to be friends with the OM, since he was in their class. She wisely deleted the account.

FB is a greater risk than just email, cell phone etc, in that it leaves one open for contact from any old boyfriend, admirerer, etc.

My H and I do have a FB account, but our friends are mostly FAMILY and friends from Marriage Builders. We are surrounded by people who would never tolerate any nonsense.

BB, you just contradicted yourself. You said:


So her affair most certainly WAS on Facebook. If he contacted her ONE TIME on facebook, then that was a conduit for her affair.

Step ONE of recovery from an affair is:

[quote=Dr. Harley] The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. [quote] Requirements for Recovery

You are playing with fire, BB. You don't have extraordinary precautions in place if the conditions that made the affair possible ARE STILL IN PLACE. They are still in place, BB. What you describe is not EP's, but extraordinary conflict avoidance.

ok, I feel better reading that you have keyloggers. That won't eliminate her being triggered on FB, though. Are any of her friends, friends of the OM? That is how my FWW friend was able to see the OM. Not because THEY were friends, but because he was friends with them. He popped all the time.

Did you check out www.flexispy.com? They have a cheap version for iphones. I think it is about $150.

Here's what bugs me about BB's solution to letting wife have FB. It creates a situation where he has to TOTALLY CONTROL her actions. When you described your "EPs" it sounded like a father with a runaway teenage daughter.
Your wife needs to be a grown-up, not a kid. With you receiving all her email notifications, etc., it would be a trigger to BOTH of you that
a. You don't trust her, and
b. She needs to be treated like a child.
If I were the FWS, and my BS needed all that control, I think I'd POJA that we drop the account because it puts us in a father-daughter relationship.
To be honest, a lot of your relationship with your W sounds father-daughter to me, but that's another issue. You seem to believe you have a handle on it, so I'll let it go at that.

I think FB is like any other potential affair-tool. Some will use it for good, some for evil. I have seen some reeeally inappropriate stuff going from married people to people other than their spouse, like buying drinks for them that have sexually suggestive names, etc. It's depressing to see those posts. But I try to talk up my M, heck ANY M, in positive ways every chance I get. Using it for good...

Yep, I see lots of flirting and inappropriate behavior going on between married friends on FB. Often, I try to embarrass them by saying "Ya'll need to get a room," or something like that. Course, my posts somehow get deleted.

My wife's affairs started "innocently" on Myspace and progressed from there. I was shocked by the multiple daily contacts scumbag men tried to make with my wife. She was listed as married and they didn't care. All it took was a moment of weakness when we were struggling and here we are.

I am firmly against any of these networking sites for any reason. Its just too risky and why take the chance. We all are weak at various times in our lives. If you want to talk to someone pickup the phone.

One boundary we have agreed on is no social networking sites ever. We are asked weekly about why we aren't on them and whne we explain everyone is like "oh".

Facebook chat has a helpful little "feature": no matter where you're logged in, all of your accounts get updated with both what is sent and what is received. So as long as a session is logged-in, it gets copied on all messages sent and received. Turn on logging and you have a transcript of all chats.




Correct, I don't trust her. But a father-child type of dynamic is a product of your imagination; every EP listed goes both ways in our relationship.



I'm still pondering this statement and am not sure of what to make of it. So far, I've evaluated the "conditions that made the affair possible" as "all ways the OM used to seduce FWW". So that included changing her phone number, getting rid of Twitter/Twinkle, changing our sleep schedules to match each other's, boundaries around relationships with the opposite sex and same-sex homosexuals, and more. I'm interested in talking about the "conditions that made the [[EA]] possible" with my FWW... any idea what I should actually be looking for, if not those ways in which she and the OM started and maintained contact?