Hi Melody!
H seems very happy with his new lifestyle, he has never tried to contact me but I am told that he is enjoying the outdoors and that he looks 20 years old (this was from a guy who sees him swim and canoe at the lake and did not know we were separated)
Yes, the holidays are approaching and since we live in another country and OW is Italian, H will not miss thanksgiving much as we have not celebrated it much for the past 7 years.
However, xmas is near and son is arriving Dec 24. He will spend xmas with me.
I spoke to son yesterday and told him so. He agreed but he added: "well mom, do not make too many other plans for new years till I call dad and find out what he is up to. I do want to see him during the holidays. Poor dad"
At that point I got very irritated with son and told him:
"Son, he is not poor. He chose the OW. YOu are in the States now and do not know the details but let me tell you this: he spends all his free time with her. You are no longer his priority honey and so do not get your hopes up about him wanting to spend too much time with you. Sorry, but i need to prepare you for this, just in case..."
Son at that point got really irritated with me. Maybe I did not handle it right.
My son is not mad at his dad. As he should be. Again...son was already in the states when all the mess broke lose so...when he comes for xmas he is going to be informed in details not only about his dad's current A but also about the one he had 4 years ago with my son's english teacher.
Am I over-reacting?

I think some want this. There are others who want NOTHING to do with their BS. That would be my XWW. I don't hear from her, unless she wants me to pay some bill. Many years after the D was final, she is far from this sort of thing.

We are supposed to co-parent, but how do you do that when the primary custodial parent refuses to speak with the co-custodian?

So I guess she has her fantasy. She gets to be the mom, my primary input is money through child support and paying my 1/2 of any medical, dental or vision bills and that's it.

At least there is only 7 more years of this and DD will be out of school, and if my DD wants my support, she can ask me directly.

She didn't get the OM, and now sits home alone on weekends without DD, and lives vicariously through my former SD who is now in college.

Apparently, she has a new fantasy, that she's a 19 or 20 something college student.

SEE?? You just made my point!! You see him at work and you can see with your own eyes that he has lost weight, looks "awful" and "looks like a ZOMBIE!!" [those are YOUR WORDS you wrote to me just yesterday, Madam!] But someone tells you he looks young and you dismiss what you have seen with your own eyes. Mama Mia, she makka me crazy!!

Also, if someone tries to talk to you about him, will you PLEASE put your hand up and say "please, I do not want to hear about him. I am trying to move on and part of that is not hearing about him."

Is your son spending Christmas with you? What are your plans for Christmas?

oh duh! I see it now. That is great!

We are going to my mom for xmas and then a friend of mine with her 18 year old d asked me if we want to spend new year in Paris, France. My son said it sound good, but he has to see what poor dad is doing....

Melody, for some reason you seems pretty sure my H is miserable...he looked bad even when we were still together. I am not sure he is unhappy now. It has only been 2 months for him and I truly believe that he has what he wants now. I am not saying that he does not have his down and depressed moments, but he has never contacted me or given me any sign that he is missing me....
I think actions speak loud in his case.
I would only hate for my son not too see how much his dad has hurt us and then go and spend time with him and shank....that will kill me.

Thank you, dots connected this morning!

My WH's family: Mom worked to support the family. Dad worked to support his alcoholism and wayward ways, many mistresses on the side.

My WH's fantasy - revealed by him, by his actions and answers to my questions: Real women work to support their husbands and families. Only a real woman can be a good mother. He had two women, both prostitutes, that he had been highly considering marrying and bringing them in as our children's mom. Keeping me on the side as the OW, just for sex purposes.

Husband must have thought his Mom was supporting her husband's ways by working. And in a sense wasn't she, by not leaving earlier on. Thought that Dad was supporting the family and getting to have all the toys and pleasures because of spousal support. Therefore it must be ok with what Dad did, I want that too.

BUT IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!!!

My exWW is still living in the fantasy because that's the only thing she has. Right now, we split the physical responsibility of the kids but PSUBIKER has ALL of the financial responsibility. I say this because I pay her child support, pay for the medical insurance, pay all of the daycare, pay all of the unreimbursed medical expenses, pay for the clothes, while she and POSOM get to live like bums. (living like a bum is a step up for POSOM)

If the judge rules in my favor for custody, I would imagine the fantasy would end for exWW. She would have no child support, no alimony, only a job that pays her $7.00 per hour. Plus, she has to support POSOM since he's unwilling to work.

My DS is 8 and I think yours is in his late teens....You understandably should FEEL the way you do, but I think you shouldnt react so much to it with your DS....My DS constanly will want to spend time that is supposed to be ours with his dad instead and yeah it makes me hurt and angry.....but sometimes i think it is because he is so sure that i will never leave him, ya know? When he is with his dad he knows I am not goin anywhere and maybe he doesnt feel so confident about his dad...

Dont react so much to it I really dont think we have to worry...our DS' know what WH have done (and yes make sure yours does) and I think they are insecure with their dads and not so much with us, but they dont say that because they probably dont even realize it...When they are men they will, they will realize the sacrifices we made and what sacrifices their dads didnt make, we dont need to drill it in their heads, we just need to assure them that no matter what, even if they want to be with thier dad instead of us, we will always love and be there for them...

I think worrying aboiut your XWs is a losing proposition. Try to just cut him or her out of your life as much as possible. You can go crazy worrying whether your kids will see the truth(they will, eventually, IMO) or whether he /she is doing well. You really can never know what others think of them or what disinformation he or she has spread.
If you are worried about your image, the best thing you can do is to simply not talk about your ex, except to a few people who support you.
Look, you all know the truth about your XWS's cheating. Many other people probably do, as well.
You do not stay friends with someone that has done this and divorced you, never apologizing.
My first wife, a serial cheater , really does not understand why I cannot stand to be around her or to talk to her. She is one of those people who think that the mere passage of time, without having done any work to get forgiveness, is enough.
See, this is one of the reasons she is a cheater to begin with. She does not take into consideration the feelings of others , nor does she accept responsibility for her actions.
And, you know what? I will never be able to make her have empathy or a sense of responsibility. Nothing I can say or do will accomplish that. So, I do not try. I just avoid her as much as possible. It works pretty well.

Oh no, not FANTASY BUSTIN', poor exWW


oh sorry wrong smiley..... FANTASY BUSTIN', poor exWW

The best defense any BS or XBS has against this fantasy is to TELL THE TRUTH.

Tell the truth to everyone you know - your children, your family, your friends, your co-workers, your neighbors, EVERYONE.

The Divorce Fantasy thrives, and the average person tends to believe it ("you should be nice to XWS for the kids!") because nobody every TALKS ABOUT the reality of adultery and destroyed families.

You do not have to bad-mouth your WS/XWS. It's not necessary, anyway, if you just tell the short and simple truth about their actions. Those actions speak for themselves and will be far more shocking than any insult you could heap on WS/XWS.

Tell The Truth to EVERYONE!!!
Mulan

I agree. You can tell the truth. Just try to avoid editorializing, as it makes you look bad.
When my XW's parents friends would see me, not knowing what i was going through, and would inquire "how's everything going, Zelmo?", I wouls simply resopond along the lines of " Alright, XW is having an affair and we are divorcing. Other than that, my golf game is excellent, right now."
Or, I could simply work the fact of an affair into a casual conversation, to get the word out but not look like I was trying to badmouth her. Like just saying" Oh, the kids are fine. I think XW and her affair partner are bringing them to his house for Thanksgiving." I'd use the term affair partner, just blase about it, as if it was common knowledge and well accepted as the truth.
I think this is an effective technique to make you look normal and also to lend credibility to the accurate information you are dispensing.

I like to use "exWW had an affair with her 2nd cousin and we are divorcing."

This stupid fantasy cuts across gender lines too.

My WW thought she could have her sleazy affair and marry her POSOM....while retaining us "being friends" and not losing the people who loved her (i.e. MY family and our friends). She thought she could win or buy the love and respect of POSOM's kids.

None of it worked out for her one bit, as predicted.

Her "step" kids despise and disdain her, her lover-boy serial-adultering husband pays no attention whatsoever to her anymore, she has lost virtually ALL family and friends (including those people who initially sided with her), i will not speak to her at all---she is now completely isolated. She was warned and knows it!!!

Totally screwed up her life....threw away a tremendous amount for nothing more than a short-term, irrational, immoral fantasy.......

excrement meets fan

I almost feel like buying airfare to fly out for your trial

You might also add: "She met him at the casting call for the sequel to "Deliverance".

I used to take my boys back East each summer and would pick them up from my XWW's house to drive to see my family. It always amazed me how she would blithely request I greet all my siblings and folks for her. They hate her and know her for what she is. She just never figured out how bad what she had done was.

Yes Zelmo, people like my H and your W will never figure out how bad they messed up and how messed up they are. Here we are, miserable, and them....not even aware of their action, feeling totally entitled.
With a personality like they have I guess life passes right thru them. I do not think they will ever get a grip or ever feel the pain of what they put us thru. If your W and my H were A partners their A would have ended in a happy M. They are one of a kind.
blessing

You all forgot the part where the BS is supposed to gain a bazillion pounds, adopt 27 cats, and sit home every weekend in solitary pining over the gone wayward draping ourselves in bitterness and ill-spirits until the day we die......

or at least that was what my WH had wanted........

not2fun