OK very short catch up. been married 12 yrs. My husband had an EA last year started in Sept 08 I discovered in Dec 08 - he planned on moving out with OW (though he maintains it was not PA - yeah right) in March of 09 - then decided to stay home. Been in MC been in counseling with a couple from our church. Thought things were getting better - thought we were recovering. Just found evidence of another EA today - he is away traveling gets home tonight. How do I confront him? I found her emails to him through FB - don't know his responses but clearly not appropriate for the kind of content she was sending him - it seems like he is enjoying her attention. Please help me!

If you don't have kids, I would divorce him immediately. He's had two affairs in the past year. Sounds like a serial cheater to me. If you do stay with him, he needs to cancel all social networking sites and you get all passwords, etc.

2 affairs? I'd be done. Pack his clothes and leave them out on the lawn.

How else will you EVER get him to care about your feelings?

Have his suitcases or boxes out on the porch with a note attached:

Dear H.
I've had all I can take of your lack of love for me. If you are so interested in OW, you can have her. I'm done.

I can't think of a better way to get his attention, command respect, and set your boundaries. Anything less, and he will never respect you. You will always be his little doormat. So you might as well divorce. At least with the above technique, you have a chance of getting him to take your marriage seriously.

Thank you all for posting so quickly - unfortunately we do have children - 9, 10 and my stepson lives with us - 16 so it makes things a bit more complicated but you are all right - I am sick of being a doormat. When he gets home from travel tonight I am going to confront him - til then I'm going to his office to see if I can get into his work email. After last time he had given me his passwords to FB and another email account and I was too stupid to keep checking up on it until today - but as he is not even making an effort to hide it my own fault (he did delete from FB but I think he did not know that his email was set to notify him of everything on FB so I saw her emails to him that way - I did copy them to hold onto proof) I am so sick right now its not even funny - I thought we were doing so much better - he holds me in his arms every night telling me how much he loves me - gag!

Forgot to mention I'm a SAHM and homeschool the younger two - part of why I didn't want the marriage to end before - but its not really a marriage when only 1 partner cares enough to stay faithful. Still I don't want to be the one to file for divorce because of my faith - hopefully he will. My biggest concern is that he will refuse to leave the house - I have no income and no place to go - ugh!

I'm pretty sure most faiths allow you to divorce on the grounds of infidelity.

That being said, of all the stories I've read here, the ones that are the most successful are of those betrayed spouses who fire a rapid shot at the wayward full of anger, indignation, and warning - you get ONE MORE CHANCE - PERIOD.

First off, he is legally required to take care of you and your kids, since you are a SAHM. Any lawyer can get him pegged for as long as the kids are under 18, so that he HAS to support you. So don't let that scare you into accepting his crap, ok?

As for no income, do you not have access to the bank account? Why not? FIX THAT TOMORROW! In fact, go to the bank and make sure HE can't take money out without your written permission - WSs are notorious for blowing your life savings on another woman, to impress her, not caring what it does to his own family.

Now, when I said to pack his clothes, I said that to get his attention. I never expected him to actually leave. Unless he's abusive, he will likely break down and beg you not to break up. He'll be so shocked you know that he won't be able to protect himself. THEN, you can sit down together and demand that he give you full transparency.

Like I said, it's just to snap him out of this fog.

You do have one other option. Remain silent, and gather intelligence on this woman and her family and friends. Then expose to HIS family/friends and HER family/friends, all on the same day. Also your priest/pastor, anyone else who can get his head out of his butt. If she's married, you'd call her husband first!

Only you know if you can play it cool long enough to do that.

Sounds like you're buckling a little. Hang in there.

Put a copy of your evidence in a secure place. A good chunk of his income will be yours if it comes to that (which we all still hope you can avoid).

But first things first:
You husband needs to feel that he's really down to his last strike. Even when I was still in my affair, I knew my wife's character and what she would & wouldn't stand for; and so I realized that once I told her what I'd been up to, I'd have to make a choice -- either straighten up & fly right and try & be a better man & save my marriage, or lose it. Right now, your husband is still in a mode of "having his cake & eating it too," because he thinks he can.

Your task is to get your H to that place of realization re: your character, so that he knows he needs to make a choice. I'm sure it's scary for you right now, because you want to save the marriage but you don't know what he'll choose. It's not fair for you. But you've got to push him to that point of choosing, I think, or else keep living like this.

Praying for you now.

notagain, I don't want to be telling you to make a stand you're not ready to make. If you truly are not willing to kick him out, don't bluff it. But I hope you can see that you have to be a ROCK right now - for your family's sake. Let him know that if he doesn't choose you over having 'fun' or whatever he will call this, then you WILL take him to court and force him to provide for the family, away from him. That you will NOT stay in a marriage where he thinks he can cheat on you.

You have to make him KNOW that you will no longer accept this.

Can you take the kids somewhere else for tonight? I really think you should spend tonight hashing it out.

Again thanks for quick replies. I do have access to bank account unfortunately not much in it - so he can't be spending much on anyone else. The woman I just found out about lives in a state far from us - so I don't think they are seeing each other at this point. I am willing to take the stand tonight and I really don't care at this point what he likes or doesn't like -I didn't know about this site before with last EA - but now I do - I didn't expose before but now I hope I have the guts to do it. Already called the couple counseling us to let them know. Thanks for the prayers and support. I am praying that I am not emotional when I confront him - I will do my best to be matter of fact but there is a huge part of me that truly hopes he will leave this time as I really don't know if I can stand the thought of living with him one more second.

Hey all - thanks again for all the support - I am sure I will be posting alot in the next few days. I confronted him and I told him he needs to move out ASAP - if he refuses to leave I told him I would get a lawyer. After half an hour he came out in tears but quite frankly I don't want him back. I told him it was over - I am so relieved and really quite numb right now. I'll update some more tomorrow.

That doesn't mean you don't have options, notagain. It just means you're going to have to MAKE some options. I homeschooled for five years and know that it is a very consuming commitment. So's your M. A healthy M is better for the kids than being homeschooled, if it comes to that. They'll be fine in public school if you have to put them in there so you can get a job. Mine are honor roll Not to brag, LOL.
Also, seriously - don't let your faith get in the way of doing what is best for you! Faith was never intended to be a blindfold - it's meant to be a light. Use it that way.

Notagain,

I'm sorry you're going through this for the second time in a year (actually, I'm sorry you ever have to go through it at all). For myself, if my H had another A, whether it was an EA or PA, after all the pain we've been through and all the hard work at recovery, he would be out the door so fast, his head would spin. I would put all my energy into separating myself emotionally from him and not spend a second worrying about the details of the second A.

You, however, appear to be in a different position than I am. You just found MB and haven't had a chance to apply MB principles to recovery. You clearly don't believe your WH about whether the first A was an EA or a PA, so I'm guessing he's not been open and honest with you and I'm guessing he's not being transparent either. Once you familiarize yourself with the MB principles, you'll likely find there are lots of tools in the "recovery" toolbox that you haven't used yet. They could make all the difference in your M.

If he seems truly remorseful and truly willing to work on the M, and if you are willing to try to recover your M if only so that you don't have to wonder later what would have happened if you did, then embrace all the MB concepts and see where it gets you. Get the books "Surviving an Affair," "His Needs, Her Needs," and "Lovebusters." Read them and apply the principles to your M. By taking a time out and working on your M, you're not committing to staying with him forever. Even if he does everything right from here forward, you still may decide to D him, and you have that right.

Bea

Thanks again for all the insights - I definitely will be getting the books suggested. He did beg me last night not to leave or to force him to leave and said he would do whatever I needed him to do - I told him I will not leave right now - meaning in the next few days - but that he will have to do EVERYTHING I say if he even expects a chance of this to work out - which he agreed to. It was funny b/c he was emotional and I was not - I told him I'm not going to waste one more tear on him. I still don't know if I'm going to stay or not - I told him I don't want to hear any words I just want to see actions - so we will see. Thanks for all who prayed for me (I know my faith allows me to leave I just have a hard time considering breaking the vows I made to God - and I know what His Word says about divorce that's why I'm struggling with that - but I know that especially with unfaithfulness that I have Biblical grounds to leave -its just hard to change the way I've thought about marriage my whole life) Thanks again and I'm going to start looking at more info. here so I know how to proceed.

My H is also on his 2nd A, he moved out and lives on his own, and still sees OW for leasure time, no commitment to her 2 kids. After all this, I would still take him back...of course after lots of work and counseling and willingness to repair the M, which he did not have after his first A where he declared that the A actually helped him.
So, if you are at this stage with 2 small kids, no income etc.. and you strongly feel is over...then it is over. If you are repulsed by him and feel there is no way you are willing to go thru the hard work it takes to recover a M, then do what you need to do and move on.
I only wish I felt the way you do ...because I think that at some point it is only healthy and self-loving to want to move away from a serial cheater...basically someone does not seem to care or love me enough to invest in the M and be faithfull.
blessing

Thanks atena - I do still love him though I am repulsed by his actions right now. I am going to try to give him one last chance but he is going to have to be an open book. I told him last night I don't want him to do stuff then resent me - he says he won't but I don't know. He has been seeing a counselor since Feb - I told him to figure out with therapist what it is about him that feels he needs to have attention from other women. I also told him last night if that is what he needs I no longer will be his wife - he doesn't get to be married to me but act like a single man. If he wants to be single fine - but I'm not willing to sit around and watch it. Again I will see if he is sincere based on his actions - I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now. I'm actually glad to be at a place of semi-detachment it is helping me to function right now.

I will be praying for you and your marriage as well.

notagain, the fact the he is going into therapy is positive because it indicates he is willing to question himself and not point the finger at you as if it is all your fault (my H never went into therapy and always pointed finger at me..)
I believe there is hope for you, but yes you need to start detaching and being firm on what you want him to do to recover. You call the shots not him.
But please take care of yourself and start living your life as an independent person as you never know with these clowns how things pan out.
blessing

While he's still in this mood, go to a lawyer and get a post-nup agreement drawn up for him to sign. If he won't sign it, he's out. Basically, it says if he does one more thing, he gives you everything and he leaves.