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Have you exposed to people?
YES, you let him stay and you Plan A as much and as hard as you can. Let him remember what HOME is like.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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You can lovingly confront him, letting him know quietly and calmly that you know they are having sex. Just DO NOT reveal the source of your intel. Keep the channel open as long as you can, but even if he finds out, you know enough.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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he did find out and when I went to bed he was awake and unfortunately I didn't do so great......
I wasn't loud or even crying but I told him that I know all about it and then I made a big mistake and I called OW.......I talked to her for an hour while he sat there and listened and I said some stuff.......
It wasn't nasty but I am not proud of myself......Should I just consider this a learning experience and try to Plan A again?
I don't have the books yet should have them in 3 weeks or so so I am flying blind here......
I have exposed as much as I can, unfortunately I told them about it too. I was having extreme verbal diarrhea and I wasn't able to stop myself as I was seeing RED. I know I screwed up but can I still save it? It was hard to do the Plan A the first time but I had gotten good at it until I saw what he was writing.
I was sure that he was going to leave me this morning but not yet. I tried to make OW see how wrong morally this was and I even told her some things about our relationship to show her that he is lying already. She was pretty quiet at first and then she became upset.
I just hope I can still do SOMETHING to save what I had done so far and maybe redo because I know I can't Plan B until I plan A right?
I feel like an idiot for letting my emotions get the better of me.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I installed a key logger and he did find out and when I went to bed he was awake and unfortunately I didn't do so great......There was enuff that I know they have been having sex A LOT
I wasn't loud or even crying but I told him that I know all about it and then I made a big mistake and I called OW.......I talked to her for an hour while he sat there and listened and I said some stuff.......
It wasn't nasty but I am not proud of myself......Should I just consider this a learning experience and try to Plan A again?
I don't have the books yet should have them in 3 weeks or so so I am flying blind here......
I have exposed as much as I can, unfortunately I told them about it too. I was having extreme verbal diarrhea and I wasn't able to stop myself as I was seeing RED. I know I screwed up but can I still save it? It was hard to do the Plan A the first time but I had gotten good at it until I saw what he was writing.
I was sure that he was going to leave me this morning but not yet. I tried to make OW see how wrong morally this was and I even told her some things about our relationship to show her that he is lying already. She was pretty quiet at first and then she became upset.
I just hope I can still do SOMETHING to save what I had done so far and maybe redo because I know I can't Plan B until I plan A right?
I feel like an idiot for letting my emotions get the better of me.
Last edited by cowqueen; 11/27/09 06:25 AM.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I don't think you did anything that bad.
Did you print out and save the evidence?
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i did save it and it was the best 105 bucks i ever spent
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Just pick up and go on. If this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, it wasn't a M worth saving anyway. Chances are that this one episode won't change the outcome. However, repeated bouts of "verbal diarrhea" (cute!  )grow progressively more likely to do damage to your chances of R. Get a firm grip on yourself, and don't give them any more ammo. Be deep, mysterious, and very, very cunning. This is a war. Do not send the enemy your battle plan or any of your covert intel. It's a whole new day, so get right back to Plan A'ing.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Thanx for the encouragement......I really do think it is worth saving.
One thing that she said to me really does hurt though and I just need to get it off my chest. My H and I had always said that if anything was to happen that he would not take the kids from me. While I was talking to her (and letting her fight HIS battles) she said that my WH would have total access to the kids and that she wouldn't stand in their way (in response to my saying that he would only be spending about 13 hours a week with them).
I responded by saying, "Yea but only until a lawyer got involved" and then she said "Oh well I can just take them from you then. I have the room and I don't mind." I was so upset that I just said out loud "Oh you want to take the kids away from me, their house, family school and friends" Her response was "Oh no there's a house that's for rent down the street from you and we will just move there"
I didn't react to that but after I hung up I asked my WH if he was going to try to take the kids and he said no. I know that there is no reason to take them away from me. I just was so upset and I let her get to me. OH I am not happy about OW right now.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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You need to show OW just how much of his income will be deducted from him during and after the divorce.
He won't be so attractive then being financial servant to you for the next 12 years.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Thanx for the encouragement......I really do think it is worth saving.
One thing that she said to me really does hurt though and I just need to get it off my chest. My H and I had always said that if anything was to happen that he would not take the kids from me. While I was talking to her (and letting her fight HIS battles) she said that my WH would have total access to the kids and that she wouldn't stand in their way (in response to my saying that he would only be spending about 13 hours a week with them).
I responded by saying, "Yea but only until a lawyer got involved" and then she said "Oh well I can just take them from you then. I have the room and I don't mind." I was so upset that I just said out loud "Oh you want to take the kids away from me, their house, family school and friends" Her response was "Oh no there's a house that's for rent down the street from you and we will just move there"
I didn't react to that but after I hung up I asked my WH if he was going to try to take the kids and he said no. I know that there is no reason to take them away from me. I just was so upset and I let her get to me. OH I am not happy about OW right now. Ohhhhhhh I'm going to bump/link a thread for you. This IS WAR ! "The Art of War" link
Last edited by Pepperband; 11/27/09 10:27 AM. Reason: link added
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cowqueen,
Don't waste your energy even thinking about OW. They are all crazy. They seem to think that it is us BS that are the bad guys in all this. They have a sense of entitlement that matches WS and know that their gravy train can halt at any time so they panic and say nasty things because that is all they can do. Most of it is lies they have told themselves or lies that WS has told them.
Honestly, don't think about it any more. Send a letter to her parents and see how she likes that.
TM
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One thing that she said to me really does hurt though and I just need to get it off my chest. My H and I had always said that if anything was to happen that he would not take the kids from me. While I was talking to her (and letting her fight HIS battles) she said that my WH would have total access to the kids and that she wouldn't stand in their way (in response to my saying that he would only be spending about 13 hours a week with them).
I responded by saying, "Yea but only until a lawyer got involved" and then she said "Oh well I can just take them from you then. I have the room and I don't mind." I was so upset that I just said out loud "Oh you want to take the kids away from me, their house, family school and friends" Her response was "Oh no there's a house that's for rent down the street from you and we will just move there"
I didn't react to that but after I hung up I asked my WH if he was going to try to take the kids and he said no. I know that there is no reason to take them away from me. I just was so upset and I let her get to me. OH I am not happy about OW right now. THIS is where, if you aren't careful, getting down and dirty in a nasty fight with a low class trampolean can get you in trouble. She beats you with her experience. She doesn't give a rat's butt about your kids. She only said that to incite you and get you to love bust your husband more (further solidifying her efforts to steal him). She also wanted YOU to react more "crazy" towards her...such that, later on, SHE can play the hurt little girl that was attacked by mean vindictive wifey to your WH. Read Pep's link. Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.
In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.
Warfare is the Way of deception.
Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.
Therefore, if able, appear unable,
Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.
if active, appear not active,
When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.
if near, appear far,
Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.
if far, appear near.
What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.
If they have advantage, entice them;
Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.
if they are confused, take them,
Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.
if they are substantial, prepare for them,
Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.
if they are strong, avoid them,
Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.
if they are angry, disturb them,
LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.
if they are humble, make them haughty,
If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.
if they are relaxed, toil them,
Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.
if they are united, separate them.
Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !
Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.
Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.
This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.
Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.
Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made
Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.
before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made
Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.
many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations
Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.
By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!
The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail. Do you understand what this is saying? Shut off the verbal diarrhea valve and become a warrior in deed, not words ... fighting for your marriage and your family. Let the enemy (OW and the WAYWARD) reveal their plans ... you act you do not REACT .... Strength can be yours , if you PLAN instead of talk and respond. Do you know what "reverse babble" is?
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PS:
Any future (accidental) verbal engagements with the OW enemy ... laugh at nearly everything she says ... JUST laugh & smile and nod.
If you must speak, say ONLY innocuous things like:
"Really?"
"You don't say"
"Well, who knew?"
"Is that a fact?"
"Is there more?"
You get HER to reveal her plans/thoughts/feelings while you reveal nada/nuthin'...
You can use this same list of "pocket responses" when your WH babbles nonsense to you.
"Pocket responses" are part of your plan to get THEM to show you their weaknesses.
You think of these responses before hand and just pull one out of your pocket when necessary, so you don't lose your cool.
If you feel yourself losing your cool, you say an exit line, such as:
"Well, I've got somewhere else to be. Bye."
"Sorry to cut you off, gotta go."
"Would you excuse me?"
And you GO without saying where or when you'll be back.
You do not allow yourself verbal diarrhea ... come to the MB forum and unload any venting or worries or anything ... you dump it here and remain calm/mysterious and controlled ALWAYS when in the presence of the enemy.
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Following on from Pepperband another thing you could say if you have the misfortune of speaking with OW again is:
"I'm sure you have a good reason for saying that to me, and more."
This will encourage her to keep on talking and drop herself in it.
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WH intends moving in with OW("extra bedroom") in Feb 2009 This is in your tag line. Is this still their "plan"? It's EXCELLENT to know their plans ahead of time. Here's my suggestion ... From now to a week before Christmas you plan A your butt off. You make "home" so freaking wonderful that WH thinks he's fallen into a tub of golden love deposits. You bake, cook, decorate, play music, dance, laugh, play cards and board games with the kids ... and in general become a woman who looks/smells/behaves like a GODDESS.  Then, around Dec 14-16 ... just AFTER any school performances the kids are in .... you take his personal belongings (clothes, toiletries, etc) and PACK them up and when he gets home from work, you tell him you are in too much pain for him to remain in your "home" [say "home" as much as possible in conversations] and he needs to move out right away.
You:
"Your adultery is killing me slowly. In respect to my feelings, you need to go right now."
WH:
"What about Christmas?"
You:
"Unfortunately, the kids will be splitting Christmas from now on. You can pick them up after 2 PM Christmas morning."Hand him the Plan B letter and get him O U T.
BEFORE the Christmas/New Year "home is where the heart is" activities.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You see, in WH's mind .... he will not be losing his family after he moves into OW's house in Feb, he'll still have his "home" (come and go as he pleases) and he'll have OW whenever he wants. Make the reality of his plans sting like a thousand wasps have discovered his [censored]. This will work like nothing else if you plan A like your family/marriage depends on it.... Understand?
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PS
Are you still having sex with H?
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Exactly whom have you exposed to? Have you spoken to OW's parents and siblings?
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Pepper- thanx for all the insight. No we are no longer having sex but that was partly my own doing. We haven't had sex for 2 months but now I know that even when we were having sex he had started having sex with her.
One of his highest EN is SF. I am not going to be able to meet that one without actually having sex. It is funny though because after I got off of the phone with her WH accused me of having sex with other men because he said I wasn't interested in sex with him so I musta got it somewhere else. I kinda let him believe it and I forget exactly what I said but he said "see you admit it". I HAVE NEVER but I am not going to make him feel better by letting him know that.
As far as the asking him to leave, I don't know about that one. My birthday is Dec 18th so maybe I will give myself a bday gift. I just feel like he WANTS me to kick him out so that's what he can tell people when they asked why he left and then he can look better. I am Plan A again but it is still really hard. He left at 630am and I thought he was going to work. He shouldn't have been home until 6pm but he came at 4pm. I said "Oh it wasn't busy?" He said "Nope I didn't go to work. I went to her house instead" I just said "OH?" and then I went for a short drive.
Cat- I exposed to MIL, SIL (although he doesn't really talk to his family), old best friend, my family and friends, our mutual friends who are like surrogate parents to us and I sent the exposure letters to their work, today I also found a friend of theirs who works with them and I let him know and I told him to tall the man whom my husband was using as an excuse for a place to be when he was actually with her.
I have a bit of additional information for his workplace where he took her and her daughter on a business trip with him(their work paid for it) Should I bring this to their attention as well? Should it be in writing again?
There is a work xmas party next weekend and one of my friends is going. She said that she is going to tell the girl who called me 2 years ago so she can spread it through there too.
My WH said that when I came to bed last night he was so scared because he thought I had a knife. I told him that I wouldn't do anything to physically harm him and I was actually offended that he would even think that of me. He is pretty resourceful too because he found the Voice activated recorder I put in the car and turned it off. I think I am going to borrow someone else's and put mine back where I had it. Then he will think that he turned off the only one.
I also have a friend whose SIL works for a PI so she is going to try to find her family for me so I can expose to them too.
On a higher note: When my WH came home my DS (6) said "Daddy, did you hear OW's evil plan? She wants to take me and brother away from mommy." WH reply was, "Don't worry buddy noone is taking you away from your home."
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Oh on another topic......i know I am not supposed to tell WH about this website or the books and I don't intend to. I googled my name though and it came up. I changed my name but it is still bringing it up. Anyone know how I can fix it? I don't want him to find it.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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