How is this done? Say one is SF. Well, your cheating spouse may be a virtual incubator/breeding ground for STDs.
Or, Admiration. How does one admire a spouse that is cheating on him/her?
Or , Concerstaion. How does one converse with someone that is mean and will not talk?
See, I just do not undrstand how one can meet some of these needs when the spouse is cheating.

Zelmo, why does this matter to you?

You are no longer married, right?

If you are truly interested in how Plan A works read the book "Surviving An Affair"

In Plan A the BS DEMONSTRATES a WILLINGNESS to meet the WS's EN's.

Doesn't mean the needs are met. If the WS has their bank closed for deposit, it doesn't happen. But the willingness has still left a positive impression upon the WS.

Oh, Okay. A willingness, not neccessarily actually meeting them. That makes sense. Thanks.

Just curious.

I'd prefer to simply ask, rather than read the book.

lazy ho!

Listen, you HAVE to get that book I told you about. It is fascinating. It talks about the LAWS regarding adultery and the history of those laws. Additionally it reviews the MB program and has a chapter on adultery. It would be the perfect book for you. It is called Defending Tradional Marriage and I just looked and it is $9 bucks.

p.s. tst is right. Rarely can needs be met in Plan A, its purpose is to express a willingness to meet those needs in the future if the affair ends. Like you pointed out, in many cases it is downright dangerous to meet the needs of someone who is in an active affair. For example, someone could get cooties or gonorreah from a WS and it can be destructive when a BS finances an affair.

You can also meet their needs subversively, even when they are TRYING to keep the bank account closed.

Conversation about ANYTHING works. Helping out with domestic support. Etc.

They really can't STOP you from meeting SOME of their needs.

Mr. W

Okay, Mel. I wll check it out.

That's true - Conversation and Domestic Support and also Admiration (more diffiult) you can still meet I think.
I am not saying it breaks up the affair or brings the WS back, having said that in my case I wasn't able to hold a proper conversation with WH for months - it was like pulling teeeth every time and very annoying - now it has improved - I think we have to learn to talk to each other again - he is still very closed off but will see what I can do about that.Domestic Support and Family Commitment I am also hitting now more then before - the one I have problems with is Admiration - not that I don't admire him - I just don't know how to express it without him shutting me down.
i.e. when he made his little trip to Romania I texted him to enjoy the trip and that he does deserve the time off. That was the only time though I was able to express admiration and I would like to do a lot more.

So let any ideas come my way please...

If the WS is shut down you can still leave notes admiring them. Or you can admire them to someone else while WS is within earshot. Like when you have company, or are visiting family.

turtlehad, for me it's very hard as he is not physically here right now - so the only option would be over the phone - I just don't want it to sound phony

Just wanted to add that Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life. Unreciprocated giving will eventually lead to huge resentment and harm the marriage as much as the affair. Unreciprocated giving IS NOT a tenant of Marriage Builders.

Plan A is a very short term strategy whose purpose is to end the affair and negotitate a committment to the marriage. If that doesn't happen in a short amount of time, then Plan B is warranted. Affairs end in Plan A only 15% of the time.

Plan A should be 3-4 weeks for women and 6 months for men.

Mel, not my thread but I do have a question on the time for plan A ref men vs women. Why the huge difference in time line. I'm in plan b but worked plan A (kinda because I didn't find MB until well into it)for about 4 months. Just wonering?

L4, here is what Dr Harley said about it:

Can someone explain the huge discrpency in the allocated time between men and women for these plans?
Sometimes , in reading this stuff, I get the feeling that there is just way too much of a deal made about the differences between men and women. It's like people feel that we are so incredibly different.
Mayne I just associate with a different breed of gy, although, most of my male friends, like me, were pretty big time jocks in college, and, I think would be viewed as masculine.
But, we all share feelongs, communicate well, and have emotional attachment to any woman we are involved with.
How could a man be expected to do plan A , roughly 10 times longer than a woman? That plan is tough and men do not have any more endurance/tolerance for the effort than women, IMO.
Is it realistic to expect a guy to get nothing back for 6 months while a woman is expected to only tolerate this for 3-4 weeks? I think most of my friends and I would starve in less time than that.

Zelmo, men can usually last longer in Plan A because of their psychological make up. Women start to crumble under that kind of abuse very quickly. They are very different psychologically.

That being said, some men can't last that long, as you mentioned. As a female, I would not last one day, much less 3-4 weeks, so it very much depends on the individual's ability to endure abuse without psychological ramifications.

And even that is contingent upon the person's WILLINGNESS. I would not be willing to do it myself.

Z,

Oh boy, really you NEED to read as LEAST SAA to maybe understand this. Really. I do wonder how some people get on here looking for help aren't lost without ever reading the books. The books make everything on here so much easier to understand, once you learn the viewpoints of Dr. H. I read SAA first before I ever posted. Actually, it was the book that lead me here....I would have been crazy lost without having read first....



At first I was lost by this question. Really. It is such a simple question to me that it seems absurd to even ask it. BUT....then I looked at it at different angles. I think the first thing you need to understand (and I don't know what your thinking was during your M, so know that I don't mean this in any degerogatory way....) is that people who go this route WANT to save their marriages. I think a person has to have that desire in order to understand HOW its done....kwim?

Anyone, once you understand Dr. H concepts on EN'S and meeting them and then identify the WS's EN'S, then meeting them becomes relatively easy (the easiest part of Plan A to me.....but then again, I am a perpetual Giver.... :D).

Take Physical Apperance for example. That is my H's #1 EN. And in fact, once WH met COW in person for the first time, it sent the A into a PA, no problem. She meet that EN well.....Now, for me, prior to A (and once WH took this path), I was over-weight, lived in sweat-pants, ponytails, and hardly ever wore make-up. Not a good thing to do if PA is the top need. Well, once Dday happened, and the ensuing stress that comes along with it, the "affair" diet went into full swing. After I learned that PA is a REAL need (I was one of those "you-should-love-me-no-matter-what-I-wear/weight/look-like" wives.... ). Once I UNDERSTOOD how significant it was, I put it into affect, which much learning and proding and 2x4's from Mimi along the way.

And really, gettting out of bed, getting myself looking good, helped ME to feel better about ME. So, in the beginning it was for WH and my marriage, along the way it became for me.....


No offense, but not touching this one with a 10 pole. Dr. H is not very clear on this one as far as meeting it in Plan A, when yes, it can be detrimental to one's health. It has been discussed on here tirelessly.......to me, its a personal decision....


To me, I think the hardest part you are having to grasp is how or why. Like I said, its because the BS WANTS to save the marriage. Varying factors play into this.....children, time invested, how the marriage was prior, economics, ect...

Hopefully this helps you a little, though I stress reading the books. Even if you aren't dealing with infidelity personally at the moment.....

not2fun

I agree.

For me, I did Plan A for 4 months. The ONLY reason I lasted that long though, was because WH had moved out only after a week or so into it. We weren't with each other all the time, which gave me breaks from him when things were too hairy. That was a HUGE factor. I could never have lasted that long in Plan A if I had been living with WH.........

For whatever reason, it stems from that thing men can do called "compartmentalize"...... ........since I am WOMAN, I dont' get it either, just accept it.....

not2fun