where to start? d-day was a couple of days after our first wedding anniversary. together almost ten years before wedding. OM works at same place as her. Her EN weren't met for months because of my job loss and subsequent depression. We are now in counselling. she still talks to him. the PA is over, but he EA still goes on. I had a breakthrough in my depression just before i d-day. I got a copy of HNHN and am sharing it with her, she says she wants to work it out but is torn between the two of us. I have asked her to stop texting and chatting online with him when we are together because i deserve a full effort when we are together. I know if i demand total stop she will leave. i'm hoping that EA runs its course and burns out. we have her 14yo. bs whom i addopted after we got married. I am the only dad he has ever known. i do not want her to leave because it will destroy him to find out whats going on. I love my son, I love my wife. I have forgiven her for the PA and am working on her EN. I believe that as she reads HNHN and comes on this site she will se the OM and the affair as the fantasy that it is and end the EA. we both have trust issues at this point, but are working on them,and trying to communicate. How do i avoid slipping into depression again. especially when i think of the affair. work outlook is dimm till next summer, and i may have to travel between then and now to make money. I pray and cry daily. D-day was a month ago, to weeks ago i was in a head on collision. spent 5 days in hospital i feel a sense of urgency to make things work because i have been given a second chance at life! another reason i pray and cry daily.

Until your WW no longer works with OM and has NC, the depression will continue...or at least until you get sick of being a doormat.

wow, doormat, harsh. maybe i misunderstood what i read elsewhere on the site, i thought i was working on plan A. also obviously new to this, whats NC?

NC= No Contact

Each and every contact, whether in person, in writing, on the phone, or via a 3rd party continues the affair. As long as your wife works with her AP, you will never heal.


Welcome to MB Scout, I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you're in the right place.

Do not tell your wife about this place just yet, you're going to need it to make plans to kill this A, and make no mistake it is still very active.

Read up on Plan A, there are links on the main page of this site.

Get the book Surviving an Affair, it will be invaluable. HNHN is good too, but save that for after SAA.

Have you exposed this affair? Does your Son know that Mom's got a BF?



Here's my favorite post for really understanding Plan A (by Pepperband):

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The Carrot:


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The Stick:


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Scoutdad,

Welcome to MB. I think what you are being told is that you are not yet working on plan A. You need to stop love busters, you need to try and meet her needs, and you need to express to her that there is no chance of this marriage working if she is in an emotional or physical A. BUT, you also need to expose this affair to her family, your family, clergy, and anyone else that you think might help you save the marriage.

You also need to consider strongly exposing this affair at her work. Most companies have a policy against having affairs with fellow workers.

As for your adopted son, do you think he does sense what is going on? Do you think he doesn't have an idea his family is in trouble? Have you talked to him about the situation in an age appropriate manner? He needs to know what is going on in a MAJOR part of his life.

Others will be along shortly, but I can tell you they will quote chapter and verse about exposure. It is the main weapon in fight an affair, and as is said around here your marriage can withstand your W being mad at you, but it cannot withstand an ongoing affair.

You need a plan and I strongly urge you to read all about exposure and how it is tied to plan A. Work on your plan and then execute it.

I hope this gives you something to think about.

God Bless,

JL

Here's a great post by Turtle about exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

As for the Depression... I highly recommend getting on Anti-Depressants, they will help you get through this trauma. They helped me tremendously.

You're very likely suffering from some PTSD issues as well, and they'll help ease that, too.

Keep your chin up!

Dammit, I hate to see new BS' on here...It means a new person is goin thru the pain of an affair...I am so sorry you are here.

But on another note, this website I believe literally saved my life..you are in good hands here...My WH also had a work affair and I had untreated clinical depression. I agree with gettin on meds and talking to someone, it helped me...

Also right now you are gettin good advice, but I am gonna say listen to it....I had a really hard time and didnt find this website until a few months after Dday....I went thru and still am goin thru a lot of uneeded pain that a lot of I put upon myself...I have a hard time following strictly to the rules.

Save yourself some pain and follow the MB plans as strictly as you possibly can...and keep postin there is a lot of wonderful people on this website...Hang in there and good luck...

Scout,

""d-day was a couple of days after our first wedding anniversary""

Definitely not a good sign. Even though you were together 10 years prior, she was having an A in the FIRST year of your marriage!!

""Her EN weren't met for months because of my job loss and subsequent depression.""

Not an excuse to have adulterous sexual relations with another man. Isn't there a wedding vow regarding for better or worse??

""she says she wants to work it out but is torn between the two of us.""

Meaning she doesn't want to work on it and is happy sitting on the fence getting ENs from both of you.

"" i'm hoping that EA runs its course and burns out.""
OMG!!! NO NO NO NO NO

You must become pro-active. Expose. STOP YOUR CRYING!!

A crying betrayed spouse is not an attractive site to a wayward wife that is still in touch with the OM. And as long as they work together and have this contact, the A , EA or PA, will continue. It will not BURN itself out.

Is the OM married? Expose to his wife. Expose it to HR at work. Most larger companies have rules against this in there employee handbooks.

Are you on anti-depressents? If you are suffering from depression, then hopefully you are.

You must lift yourself up and shake off the depression and FIGHT for your marriage. Whatever you can focus and grasp onto, like your second chance at life, you must do to overcome the depression.

""the PA is over, but he EA still goes on.""

Lastly, please realize that all wayward adulterers lie. If she told you the PA is over, do not believe her. We usually say do not believe a word that spews from her lips at this time. This is not your wife, but a sneaky wayward alien betrayer that is selfishly pursuing her self centered self gratification.

IMHO

kirk

Sorry if that came off harsh...I was in a hurry and should have explained more, but others have already clarified. Make sure you use the stick and not just dangle the carrot. Your WW will have no reason to end her A now or a year from now if you are willing to tolerate it. Plan Hope is not a succesful plan.

Listen to Kirk....Hes right on the money.

Not sayin that BR doesnt know her stuff she does...I think when she said the doormat thing, IMHO, we BS' on here are very passionate about helping newbies and many of us were doormats at the beginning (me included, IDK about BR)or we made some mistakes and we dont want you to make the same mistakes, Scoutdad.....

Trust me we sometimes may be a little harsh but it is out of concern for you and passion about following the MB plans to save your marriage and/or aid in your personal recovery. We all want to help you do that... The harshness always comes from a caring place.

If i expose the A to HR at work etc, she will probably lose her job. i am already on unemployment and we have filed for bankruptcy. Our son has clues about what is going on, but is used to things like that because my MIL has never been faithfull to her steady and lied to us about her "open "relationship with him. My MIL has probalbly met OM and been out with WW and OM. I am still trying to find out who knows and who doesn't and whom i can trust for information. I am trying to meet all of her EN and improving myself,(down 40# so far) and our home, (finishing projects started before money became an issue.) will go out today and get SAA, do i have her read it as well?

Also, she has started reading HNHN and i have told her about this site. Do we stop and go to SAA first and then come back to HNHN? I believe OM is divorce with older children, do i expose to all of them, parents too? WW told me OM father is a psychologist and told him "What did you expect , you were seeing a married woman and now she is trying to make her marriage work, what did you think was going to happen?" I think i have gotten the ILYBNILWY speech, but my memory isn't 100% after the car accident. as if the A wasn't enough to deal with. How do i deal with my needs not being met? close female friends from before this relationship have sought me out the day after D-Day( 11yrs, 4 phone numbers over 200 miles and 5 address changes later) because they felt something was wrong with me. ( i helped them through divorce and abusive relationships, long before i met my WW) I have talked to them about the situation, but feel guilty for talking to them because of my marriage vows.

Nuclear exposure is really the best way, her work, OM's family...everyone...

So is she saying the EA/PA is over, has she agreed to work on the marriage and have no contact or is she still fence sitting?

Full exposure. Including work. Your already filing bankruptcy so where is the problem?

Letting WW continue to work with the OM will most likely cause the affair to continue.

Life is choices.

Do you want NC, or wife keeps the job, and, the OM banging your WW?

Expose to everyone possible, it may seem harsh especailly if children are involved but it will instantly bring her fantasy world crashing down around her ankles.

I am the WH and BW asked me to let all management at work know after it became public, I was ashamed so didnt do it. But it bit me in the a**e when I had to take sickness etc.. to help my struggling W and they royally screwed me.

If she wants to work on M having everything out on the table for all to see so theres no nasty surprises is DEFINATELY the way to go believe me, first hand.

NC is also essential. I am still working with OW 1 year on and until I joined this site didnt understand the importance of NC. Nothing has happened with OW since A public and only had direct contact at work 3 times all professional with people present, but technically we do see each other. I have since applied for a new job which i should hear about soon but again believe me when I say how important NC is for YOU and HER to be able to even contemplate R.

Do you want to be married or do you want her to keep her job?

Line up a job at Jack in the Box. They hire anyone.

Stop wasting your time on ENs right now. You are being a doormat and SHE knows it.

Gather up the numbers for her family, HIS family, their friends, and clergy. Write to the HR and VP/P of her company about the affair. There's a copy of a letter here, if someone can find it. Basically it tells the company very subtlely if they don't do something about it, they just might get sued.

Call everyone at the same time. She'll be mad. Your marriage will survive mad. It won't survive another man.

When it comes to MIL, ask her how SHE would feel if it was YOU cheating on her DAUGHTER.

You HAVE to expose.

You should not even be TALKING to former female friends if you're married!

STOP IT!