After 3 weeks of a nasty gut feeling I discovered his affair. H has been having an internet/facebook/email affair with someone in Puerto Rico 11 years his junior. I'm just devastated. After 14 years this is what I get?! He tells her things that he hasn't said to me in 10+ years.
His excuses: I was trying to figure out how to talk to you again. (Yea right.) Then is was she makes me feel good. (OK, I'm so sure!)
So I've read and read this site, emailed it to him. He took some time to read through it and ordered a couple of the books. I'm not all that convinced he'll read them. I closed all my email accounts but one and asked that he do the same. I gave him my passwords to everything. I asked him to do the same. He has not as of yet.
I'm so hurt and blindsided by this whole thing. I'm not a crier and find myself crying all the time at inopportune times. I've had to take time off work because I'm so distraught. If he won't give over the passwords or close the accounts I can't be sure he's not communicating with her. He sent her a NC letter. Only to get Facebooked with requests from her to open a new account to communicate and why? and etc etc. I don't know if he responded, I can only assume he did.
He keeps asking me to trust him. Really?! He expects me to trust him? Not as far as I can throw him at this point. I'm looking into therapists...the one we went to years ago sucked ad I can't stand to go back to her.
I'm so torn. Part of me wants to tell him to leave until he can open himself up completely and the other 1/2 wants to just close my eyes and hope I disappear and this is just a nightmare.
That's what it is, an emotional nightmare. The crying, the dry-heaving - I can't believe how bad this feels. I can't believe he WANTS (as long as he's communicating with her, yes, he "wants") to put me and the kids through this.
I'm going to keep on reading the site - I need to know that this pain goes away.


Me - BW 32
WH - 38
M - 14 years
D-Day - Nov 20, 2009
DD13 and DS10

Hi [censored],

Welcome to MB, I am so sorry you have to be here. Firstly, well done for reading the site and for ordering books and the steps you have taken to show openness and honest.
I believe from what you are saying that your WS is still in contact with the OP and will be until total NC is complete. To that end you need to snoop around a bit and find the proof that it is.

Have you done any exposure yet?

The pain and physical 'discomforts (yes, I know how totally inadequate those words are) do go away. The first 3 weeks is often the worst. Some of the things carry on for a bit longer. I'll bump the post traumatic stress disorder thread so you can read other symptoms you may have or might experience.

Keep reading on MB ad keep posting. The weekends tend to be rather slow unfortunately, but someone is generally around to answer any questions you might have.

[censored],

Your wounds are still fresh. Like any wound, it will take time and the appropriate treatment. The first is to make sure the A is dead. Asking for boundaries was good. Your WH has lost the right to your trust. I would start accumulating evidence of the A and get ready to expose to his family and friends. Unfortunately it will most likely be the only way to stop his inappropriate behavoir.

Take a deep breath; your road to recovery is a long one. Remember to take care of yourself.

I am sorry you have to be here.

[censored]

So sorry to see your hear. Sounds like you've started at a great place, hang around the vets are very wise. Find and read all the info on this web site re: affairs. so very helpful. I know what you are going through as far as physical and emotional pain, I was quite certain I was experienceing a slow death. It does get better, slowly but it does.

Expose, expose, expose: I didn't and my WH affair lasted longer because of it. I silenced myself into a lonely exile with no support system. Listen to the vets, they know what they are talking about.

Snoop, snoop, snoop, there is a thread on here called spying 101, check it out. he does not deserve your trust, he has to earn it back.

order SAA, find out what Plan A is and start, find out top EN and meet them, don't let him know what you are doing you'll drive him underground, don't let him know about this site unless you are sure you want him here.

Know that we are here for you, and my hope for you is the same for all who find themselves here recovery.

Spend the next 2 weeks doing this:

Install a keylogger on his computer so you get regular logs of all his computer activity.

Check his phone records online daily.

Install a voice-activated under his car seat with velcro and check it every night to see if he's talking to her when he's not around you.

Print out everything you get.

Hire a PI to get her name, number, address, and ALSO the name, number and address of her parents and her siblings.

Gather the numbers of his parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, best friends...anyone who he cares about their opinion of him.

Once you've done all this - and you HAVE to have HER family's contact information; don't do this without that (isn't your marriage worth a few hundred dollars?) - you sit down and expose to each and every one of those people - all in one sitting. Because if you drag it out, and they figure out what you're doing, they'll start calling everyone else you haven't contacted yet, and convince them all you're crazy and they'll spin a story that you're out to get them or something.

He'll be mad. That's good. You want him mad, so things change.

But you'll never get him back until you expose.

Oh, and take back that promise to give him all your passwords, etc. That just makes you weak, and tells him it'll be even easier to lie to you. Tell him since he isn't giving you his, and taking a lie detector test, you won't be giving him yours, that you've just changed your passwords.

[censored], please scrupulously follow catperson's advice if you want to save your marriage. Exposure is the most powerful weapon you have against his affair. If you expose early and widely, you have the greatest chance of recovery. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. Please print up her suggestions and follow them PERFECTLY.

The plan you should follow is Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*. by Pepperband

a good keylogger is eblaster at www.spectorpro.com. You can download it to a disc or stic and have it installed on his computer in less than 5 minutes. Set up a web based email account [gmail, yahoo, etc] and have the reports emailed to you hourly. you will be able to see all chats, etc.

The last week has sucked. I cried over and over. At weird times. At inopportune times - of course.
Catperson - excellent advice. Thanks for the list.

We are reading TOGETHER (I'm just as shocked...) His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. I'm also reading another book called Surviving Infidelity and using the cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to remind myself that this isn't my fault.
The sick feeling is subsiding. I'm giving him 100% of my attention every chance I can. We have carved out the 1:1 uninterrupted time every day. I'm being open, honest and losing my passive-self and just letting my mouth run when it needs to run. That actually feels good!

I want this to work, he says he wants it to work. Fingers crossed. The hurdle I'm working on now is that part of me wants to trust him and the other part wants to run screaming.

[censored], it will take a long time for him to rebuild trust, but you should give him an opportunity to do that. Ways that he can rebuild trust is to make his life an open book to you. You should have access to all of his passwords and know where he is at all times.

The best book for recovery from an affair is SURVIVING INFIDELITY by Dr Willard Harley. It has a PLAN to recover.

So do you now have all his passwords? Did you install a keylogger on his computer? Did he write a NC letter that YOU sent to OW? Did you expose to his family? Do you check his phone records every day?

Yep and yep...all accounts have been closed.
NC letter was written and sent and received.
Exposure - check.
Phone records - check.

It's only been a week. But I'm seeing how my lack of support on his certain needs opened that door for him to look elsewhere, even if it wasn't intentional. I'm not saying it's OK, it's totally not. I'm lucky that it did not evolve into a physical relationship - they never even spoke on the phone. She's in another country, but to me that doesn't matter. An EA or PA are just as equally damaging.

So I'm picking up the pieces. One shard at a time and very carefully.