Eve,

My heart really goes out to you. Time will dull the pain, but I'm afraid this will never go away.

""He says what he did was wrong and that he never wanted to hurt me like this. I try to believe him, but it's terribly hard.""

OF COURSE THEY NEVER WANT TO HURT US!!!

They just don't give a _______ about us. (fill in that blank)

But they are not thinking of us as they perform, are they??

They are not thinking of anything except their own selfish, self-centered, self gratification!

"I never wanted to hurt you" is the one of the most distasteful and useless responses any wayward adulterer can give to their betrayed spouse.

Lastly call the husband of your sister and TELL HIM !!

Unless you think very little of the guy and have the attitude he is getting what he deserves....an adulterous wife that will have sexual relations with a brother in law. Then keep quiet.

You don't have any other married sisters that you should warn do you?

You must tell the betrayed husband of your sister.

IMHO

kirk

You are not the one who gets to decide how your BIL reacts.

You tell him and if they break up, it's YOUR SISTER'S FAULT. Do you want to expose him to all sorts of STDs, etc?

Your S lost the privilege of your 'having her back' in keeping her M together. Your bil deserves to know the truth. It is in keeping with a WS to refuse to face the consequences of their actions, so they'll generally dodge disclosure. SHE did this - not you.

You are making a huge mistake and ensuring that a DOOR to the affair is left open. As long as your BIL does not know the whole truth, your H is free to pursue his affair with his wife. As long as he doesn't know, he doesn't know that he needs to protect himself and his children from your H and his wife.

It is CRUEL to not tell him, eve, and it benefits NO ONE and NOTHING except the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and by keeping her dirty secret, you are ENABLING THE AFFAIR. Your BIL can't very well save his marriage and protect himself if he doesn't know the truth.

If their marriage breaks up it will be because of the affair, not because you told him. He might very well choose to not stay married to a cheater and THAT IS HIS RIGHT.

Don't make the mistake of enabling the affair, Eve.

Eve, someone was kind enough to call me and tell me about my husband's involvement with another woman. And, it was deeper than the woman at work....It went all the way back to a 1-sided EA he had with my sister. No wonder my sister and her husband never wanted to come to things at our house. DUH!!!

I have been on the other end of that phone call or visit when the BS got the news that the ws was 'wandering'. Trust me, they stand no hope of making it if things don't open up in their marriage and each partner learns what's going on in the marriage. NO CHANCE!!!

So, you can choose not to tell him. And they won't fix the problems in their marriage. Then, later on, he will be even more devastated to find out that his wife has had one, or two, or ten affairs.

Doesn't your niece or nephew deserve to grow up in a healthy environment?

If it splits the family, it splits the family.

(My nephew pled guilty in juvenile court to the sexual abuse of my daughter. Don't you think that broke the family open. My family has never had another get-together. But, my daughter is safe and well. Losing my sister (the one with whom my x had that 1-sided ea) was nothing compared to what I could have lost. Everyone in the family blamed me for my nephew's consequences and told me we should just have worked it out between us. But, that meant we would have swept it under the rug and not dealt with the logical consequences of what my nephew had done.....I know that is a whole different story. But it is of the same sordid, secretive ilk as what you are dealing with.)

Do you want to perpetuate this sort of stuff? You can live in a family full of dirty secrets or you can live in a family where there is openness and honesty.

You have to do what you can to bring this to light. Only when brought to light, can this situation be resolved.

Infections do not clear up when left covered and untreated.

(((((Eve))))),

I am so very sorry for your pain. I can not even imagine the hurt you are going through in this double betrayal. My heart goes out to you.....

I do urge you to tell your BIL right away. He does deserve to know this information. Put yourself in his shoes. If your H had only given you part of the story, wouldn't you want to know the truth?

Thing is, the truth will come out one day, it always does. And when that truth comes out he will be angry and feel betrayed by you for not telling him. If you really do want their M to recover, you have to realize this won't happen unless he gets the whole story. Yes it will be difficult and scary, but it is the right thing to do......

((((Eve))))

not2fun

Rotten things fester and grow in secrecy.

Do you hear yourself? You are taking on all the blame for your H and your S! NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

IF her marriage breaks up it will be because SHE had an affair.

eve,

Okay, let's say we go with YOUR plan. You don't tell your brother-in-law. And let's say your sister doesn't, either.

And you pretend everything is rosy...and someone else, you can't predict WHO, because you are not in control of this situation beyond what you decide to control - someone else decides that you four have worked things out.

And that person says something at a gathering where YOU ARE NOT PRESENT. You and your husband aren't there, because, of course, you two are sworn to no contact.

And this other person, has absolutely no idea that BIL doesn't know the scoop. They've assumed you four have worked things out, because THEY KNOW EVERYTHING - and they figure if YOUR marriage is together, and SISTER'S marriage is together, then, everyone is FINE and dandy, because the SECRET IS OUT.

Only the only one not in on the secret is BIL.






And this other person - spills the beans.


Because you choose not to control the situation yourself, and deal with the truth of your life, and also allow your brother-in-law to deal with the truth of HIS LIFE, you then allow other people to do whatever they might.

You are leaving it all to chance.


Someone posted that the truth will ultimately come out. That is a fact.

The other fact is that if you CHOOSE to hide the truth from your BIL, then the consequences will likely be worse than just facing it.

Know that going into your decision.




One other thing to consider: Your BIL is likely able to deal with the truth of his own life. My guess is you are protecting your husband from further embarrassment, your marriage from further damage, and your sister from the fallout of her own behavior. You cannot protect them from what they have done - other people already know, and it will get around anyway. You can protect them with the TRUTH, or you can allow gossip to eat away at this. Your choice.

My ooops! I guess when I seconded School Bus I gave the impression that Eve should still have a relationship with her sis. I don't want to imply that in any way.

And having read more posts by Eve, her sis has major issues.

BTW, I don't think either the WH nor OW sis has any love for their spouses or even their children. but thats jmho

Eve,

Please quit believing that there will be no consequences for the actions of your husband and sister. There will be consequences because what they did is so horrific. You can't hide it or pretend like it didn't happen. You will become physically ill if you try to do so. It will take a toll on your heart (it does with women).

Placing boundaries in your marriage, requiring your husband to be a man and take responsibility for the damage that he did to you, the M and his children is the wisest action you can take.

You won't be breaking any M apart, yours or BIL's, if you expose what happened and require NC.

In fact, I think one of your first requirements of your WH should be to tell BIL the truth of the affair. You should make the call, ask for BIL and let him know your WH has something to tell him. That way, you will know it's BIL on the line. Your WH can tell the truth. He owes it to BIL. The BIL deserves the truth.

If you keep it a secret, then you will be promoting a false reconciliation between your BIL and Sis. Your BIL, as a betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth, just like you, as a betrayed spouse deserves the truth. There can't be a real reconciliation without it.

Also, if BIL doesn't know the truth, he might be willing to make concessions thinking it was an EA. The spin on things might become that you're over-reacting. This is a familial situation you're dealing with. The last thing you will want is pressure by family to have things business as usual. If your M and BIL's M has any chance of surviving, you will need everything out in the open. You will have to have familial support in keeping NC between WH and OW sis. Otherwise, you'll be in a living hell because you won't feel safe when your family pressures you for get-togethers, expecting everyone to be "one big happy family" .

I'm not suggesting that your WH give the sordid details to BIL. That's not his place to do...that's your sister's job if her BH wants to hear it. But at the very minimum, your WH needs to tell the basic facts. EA from such and such date. Went PA on such date. Total duration of A. Date when A ended. And also, that he requested to be "friends" w/ SIL after the A ended. He should also apologize.

Once the truth is told, a NC letter should be written.

I see that you have a niece. That means there are cousins involved. It gets really sticky with this because they share common grandparents. (and grandparents hate *not* to have all the little grands together at the same time....I hope you can see where this is leading)

You will have to do some major soul searching with this. Most folks here would say that NC means that you and your WH have no interaction ever again with the affair partner and with the affair partner's spouse once the NC letter is sent. But since there are related children involved, it becomes similar to situations with OC (other children).

You and BIL might still choose to have contact when your parents have all of their grandchildren over for a get together. Pick-ups and drop-offs can be arranged so that only you and BIL are involved. And hopefully your parents will be understanding and not expect to have all the grands together for major holidays.

See, the heart ache of all this extends out generations. Your mom and dad will have to give up the notion of having their children and grand children all gathered around them for special occasions. If they do get that lucky, then you will be sacrificing by not having your spouse there. Your sis will likely be there, but you won't be able to have your H around your sis.

And let me share something a bit embarrassing for me with you. I didn't have marriage builders to help me when I dealt with my situation early on. So, I allowed contact between my H and sis. It really harmed recovery in my M because the attraction my H had for my sis would come back when he was around her. It would set us back.

So please, listen to what the people on here are saying. If you decide to remain married, put some boundaries in place. Make NC mandatory. Require that your WH get IC. Get IC for you, too. Write a list of what you want in order to reconcile. And don't feel guilty if the M ends because WH doesn't want to meet your expectations. This is his fault because of his choices and actions.