( this is a really long post, and I am really sorry that it's so long)
My husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan, and will possibly be there until May or June. We've had kind of a rough time over the past summer.
It started when he got a facebook email from a girl who worked under him saying she had a problem and asking if they could get together outside of work to talk about it ( he's higher ranking than she is, and she called him by his first name in the letter, etc.) he showed it to me and asked me what I thought ( this was in late March, early April). It seemed inappropriate, and he emailed her back saying he would talk to her at work about it the next day. All of a sudden, they were "chatting" on facebook for hours at a time sometimes, and at least for half an hour every evening.
This went on until the first week in July- by then, I'd had enough, and I asked him to stop chatting with her like that, because it made me uncomfortable. He said he would, but he wanted to take her out got coffee to explain why he couldn't do that anymore ( didn't want to hurt his friends feelings, he said), and was gone for about two hours. He also found out that week that he's be going on his first overseas deployment ( he's been in the army for seven years- we are in our 30's) The next day, we were eating supper and he put his fork down, looked at me and said" I can't do this anymore", and walked out. He came home about four hours later after visiting a guy he works with to talk( I know that's where he was) and said that the guy advised him that all marriages go through hard times, and that he should stick with it and not just give up. ( or so that's what he told me). The next day, we took our son ( we have three kids, the oldest and youngest are autistic) into town for the day while our two girls went to the local waterpark with friends. we had a nice day, and everything seemed okay. The next day, he told me he got an email from that girl saying she had a huge problem and asking him if he could go over to see her. He did, even though he knew it really bothered me. When he came home, I was really angry and I kind of "laid into him", and he burst out with the whole " I'm not happy anymore, I love you but I'm not in love with you, we have fun when we are together but it's not the same" speech that I have heard so many other people on here talk about, and that he wanted a separation. He wanted me to take the kids to my parents for a few weeks for summer vacation so he could "have some time to think about things on his own", and then he took his wedding ring off and left and started staying at her house "sleeping on the couch" he told me. He would come back home in the daytime to work on a course he was working on over the internet ( some kind of soldier qualification training), and go to her place in the evenings and to stay the night. This went on for about a week, until one day he accidentally left is facebook open, and I looked at it. There was a letter to her from him that read something like " You know I love you, love doesn't have to be complicated- blah, blah, blah" I felt really sick. I confronted him- he lied until he knew I'd caught him. He told me that the day after we "separated", they realized they had "feelings for each other", and that since he thought we wouldn't be getting back together, it was okay. It obviously was not, and I really think the whole "separation thing" was, maybe on an unconscious level, because he wanted to start sleeping with her without feeling guilty)I got so angry, I told him that he could either stay at home and start seeing a counselor with me, leave and be separated, or stay with her- but if he stayed with her, I'd report the two of them to the "chain of command" ( the army doesn't like that kind of thing). He told me that he'd stop seeing her, that he wanted to work on things, and that he'd see a counselor with me , but that we would still be "separated". . he made up a room for himself in the basement ( of course getting a computer up and running with the internet was top priority), and started spending all his time down there ( when he was actually at home) . This went on for about a week and a half- his sister and brother in law and their son came to visit, etc, and we saw the counselor. She wasn't very helpful. One evening, it was really hot ( he was out, as usual- and I had no idea where he was) so I took my kids out for a walk to try and cool off in the evening air. we walked by a house- he was there in the driveway with that girl smoking and talking ( this was after he agreed not to have any more contact with her). My kids went running up to him calling "hi daddy"- and it was awful. I got really angry and asked him if that meant he had made up his mind about what he wanted. he said it did, so I took the kids and started walking home. He followed me ( I don't know why) griping that " this is all part of the problem- you don't want me to have any friends". we talked outside for a little while, and agreed that he'd come by the next afternoon with coffee and we would talk some more. He did, and we talked- he said they were "just friends" and agreed to see a different counselor. I emailed a bunch and found one who's reply we both liked and made an appointment for the following Tuesday.
The next day we had to take our daughter for a medical appointment in the next province ( to see a specialist), and he changed her meds.. we came home, and within five minutes, he was gone again, telling me he was going to visit some guy he worked with. Same thing the next day, and the next night he stayed out all night and didn't get home until 2:30 in the afternoon from being "out" ( told me I had no right to know where he was, and that most married people don't tell their spouses where they are going when they go out) . I'd had enough. I asked him flat out if he was seeing her again, he said he was. I was so angry! I called the duty padre and reported what had gone on and called a divorce lawyer too. I told my husband what I had done, and that he had torn his family apart, but that I felt really stupid as I still lobed him and would still be willing to try. He started to cry and told me that was what he wanted to do- we got ready and went and saw the counselor who was really good. He sent an email to that girl telling her that it was wrong for the two of them to keep seeing each other, and let me read it before he sent it. That was fine. ( that was in the middle of August)
We kept seeing the counselor, and things seemed to keep getting better. He had to go away for a pre deployment course for two weeks in September, but he called every night which was nice. He came home, and was on leave until it was time to be deployed in October. He left for his deployment, and called from Trenton, he sent me an email from Germany, then one from camp mirage, and the some from Kandahar which is where he is now. At first, his emails were nice and he seemed to miss me. We were able to use Facebook chat a bit, but that always crashed so we started using Gmail chat which worked better. He would do that early in the morning there ( his room has internet) and it would be evening here. He seemed okay with that and even called a few times. Then this Friday morning, he called to tell me that he couldn't get either Gmail or Facebook to accept his passwords, so if he wasn't online that night ( morning for him) that was why. He wasn't, and yesterday he called in the morning for a few minutes, and I said he could use our daughters gmail- I gave him all the information,he seemed fine with that- said I sounded sad ( I was) and that he loved me. I waited on line for him, but he didn't log on. I was emailing a friend this morning, and I got a gmail chat from him, saying that he hadn't been on line that morning ( night for me) because he had slept in and couldn't be late for PT, and that he could access my daughters account from "Canada Cafe" ( they have internet access there), and that was what he thought would be best from now on, as it didn't crash and he didn't have to get up so early in the morning to log on.
All that sounds rational, BUT that other girl had been away on a course for most of October, and probably just got back this past week. I know it sounds really irrational, but I keep wondering if the reason he won't be online in his mornings/my evenings is because that's when she'll be at home and he wants to be online with her. I think because we still had so many issues when he left that I can't shut off that part of my brain that says " he's cheating again". I hate it, I really do. I'm worn out and sick with worry, my kids need so much attention and while there is lots of deployment support, I don't think that there's anything for someone in a situation like mine. I hardly sleep and everyone keeps telling me that I have to get my mind off of it, I know they are right ,but it is so hard. It got so bad that I keep looking up how to hack gmail passwords ( I could easily hack his, but he'd know I did it) to see what he's really doing with his gmail. I hate myself for being this way- so paranoid! I even found a guy in the US army on facebook and asked if he would mind if I got his opinion on the matter- I thought maybe he could tell me if the stress of facing a dangerous deployment could make someone act this way, and maybe give me some insight into the "workings of the male mind".
By the way, this "other woman" is single, in her 30's and knows my husband is married with 3 kids ( she was my "friend on facebook too" until all this happened)
I I thank you for reading my very long post. It helped to write about it.
