SL

What is it with people? Do we all have to learn the hard way? UGH!!!

I have a friend who I was talking to about her marriage. She just recently had their second child, and is giddy as all get out, which is great. Then she proceeds to tell me that her husband still goes out and parties til all hours of the night or doesn't come home at all. These parties are in mixed company with drugs and such.

I told her that she and her husband were setting themselves up for failure, that this WAS going to lead to bad things. As a matter of course, they argue about this regularly. What kind of family can you have if you aren't together? UGH!!!

I discussed this with my best friend, who knows this lady really well, and said that the dynamic seems to work for them, that the husband doesn't go to these parties for the women, but the drugs. I said that the situation is alltogether BAD, and why wouldn't these two hedge on the safe side and fix their marriage before it is too late. My best friend says that I am highly sensitive due to what happened to me, and I said, DANG SKIPPY. I am INFORMED. I know what can potentially go WRONG, and work to avoid those things that I can, by addressing situations that I KNOW can be hazardous to any relationship, much less a marriage with two children .

Sure, maybe these two will stay together, but what quality of a marriage is it if even one of them is constantly on guard, angry and unhappy?

Perhaps I am highly sensitive. I dunno. It�s very frustrating. GRRRRR

It's stupid for a married couple to be using drugs, PERIOD. What kind of an example is that to their children???

Their immaturity is glaringly obvious and you are right...it WILL ruin them.

It kills me, MF! ARGH!!!

Whatever! I cannot force people to examine themselves, their behaviors and how that impacts their fate. Still, I keep saying what I say and doing what I do, with the hope that someone may benefit someday from what I say.

And that's all any of us can do...hope that our example is proof positive that doing the right thing all the time is always best.

Merry Christmas SL, you are NOT sensitive, but as you say INFORMED....
Unfortunately, people just DON'T get it

I wonder if I would have been so resistant if someone came to me and pointed out the holes in my relationship. Would I have examined what I was doing? Would I have made changes? or would I have just stuck my head in the sand?

I loathe knowing this stuff so intimately...

Well, I can tell you from my experience, I would have simply blown it off, like I did.

My AA sponsor went through the loss of 4 miscarriages over 23 years ago. One of her sponsees found out a while ago she was pregnant with triplets. The news is not good. She has lost one baby, the other is severly deformed and the third, we simply don't know yet.

My AA sponsor KNOWS how she feels. Mark taught me that people going through things might be part of a bigger picture of G-d using us to his glory. SL, your journey might be walking so that one day when you don't expect it, someone dearly to you comes into your life that you ARE able to help because you have walked before her.

Maybe you can hold the comfort that you can reach someone else and know that you are doing G-ds work.

Well, howdy do, mi amiga?

I think you are absolutely right about now being INFORMED and making better decisions because of it.

The majority of couples go into marriage with no REAL information on how to do it RIGHT with the most chance of success. The majority of us going into marriage just winging it, cause we LOVE each other and that will make it all work out, right?

Wrong. As 60% of marriages fail nowadays.

Drugs, parties, and time away from your family are a recipe for disaster - the only question is the cooking time. It varies by altitude, I guess.

I'm kind of in the same sitch as you are - recognizing how wrong someone's relationship is going but unable to get through to them where it will lead.

My sister and her boyfriend are on the rollercoaster again and she called me sobbing and heartbroken again. My opinion? She simply needs to leave him. They have been together 5 years and it has been the same throughout. He is WxH almost to a "T" (more charming, though). She will have a lifetime of heartbreak and hurt feelings if she stays with him.

I've told her this as gently as I could while still maintaining my support of whatever she chooses to do.

Like you, I have questioned whether I would welcome and recognize help from the "outside" of my marriage. For me, it would depend on who it was coming from. I would probably appreciate some of it. I did recognize some of it it - even without help, but I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't know how to rein in his Independent Behavior without being "controlling." KWIM?

I hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas and that 2010 brings you all the joy and happiness you deserve.

Fox

Queenie, thanks for your kind words. Hopefully I can help someone else out when the poo hits the fan someday. As Foxy demonstrates, sometimes all you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces once the destruction is done.

One thing I like about myself NOW is that I am highly receptive to criticism; I really listen and try to examine what I am doing and make changes when/if necessary. it still stings to hear how you might be doing something that hurts someone else or how you may not be looking closely enough at yourself, but it is worth the reward of better, more lasting relationships.

Happy Holidays to you all!

Hi SL.

Merry Christmas. My best to you and your son.

Merry Christmas, SL!

Howdy Chrisner and Faithful. Nice of you to drop by.

Happy Holidays to you both. I am going to enjoy my Christmas Eve with DS and family. Still hoping to get this townhouse that I put an application in to rent and looking forward to a new year.

:HappyHolidays:

Hey SL,

Hope you have a wonderful holiday season. I still plan to be in DC next week and would love to meet you for coffee. Hopefully we can make it happen. Do you have an email where I can contact you?

Hi SL,


... like the 'sound of music'

Wishing you all the best in your future plans, SL.

SL

Silent:

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you and DS!

Hope you were able to dig out of the snow!

Drive down thru Hampden tonight!

LG

My favorite verse Jeremiah 29:11 - God has plans for you, plans to prosper and give you hope. You betcha one day when you least expect it you will be called into serving G-d because of who you are and he will need you. I have FAITH and trust in that.

I began Foxes thread yesterday morning, what you just said hear about highly receptive to criticism struck me and reminded me of BrambleRose. I think you knew her, I know you were posting during that time. Anyways, I didn't get through all of the thread, I don't know how it turned out, but in the first few pages, she was BRUTAL because she cared deeply for other people and she cared more about their life than their feelings. Being able to look at our own behavior instead of anothers' EVEN when they are WRONG and destructive is a gift. It truly is. I am so honored to know you and watch your new life unfold as it will in G-ds timing and G-ds way.

Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS with DS and your family.

I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for you.

I plan on taking DS tonight, along with my sis and her boyfriend. We were thinking of dropping in on Cafe Hon, too, but it may not be opened.

Queenie, thank you so much for your inspiring thoughts. Yes, I did know Bramblerose. I appreciated her type of candor and advice. Sometimes it did smart when she would lay me out, but it always made sense, no matter how much I fought her. I also liked Mimi's advice, always to look inward. Good stuff, and it took me about three years to really start to change and 'get it'. I look forward to what the new year has in store for me. I still have my moments of impatience, but I trust that what I need will come to me as long as I keep working


Chai, I pray that this new year brings you peace, most of all. The space and time to get a good forward momentum. I hope you PROSPER in this coming year.

Peace, love and joy to you all... :happynewyear:

Got it SL!! Mail on the way....

Right on, Chai!