Hi all. Unfortunately, sad is the reason that brings me here. My wife and I have been married for 7 years, but thing went astray for 1 1/2 years now. We have a daughter that will turn 4 next January.
One and a half years ago, my wife, after a quite distressfull time in her life (completing graduation), turned to me out of the blue and said that she wasn't in love anymore, and that she wanted to split to "feel free" and happy again, the only reason for staying beeing our beloved daughter.
That was a punch in the stomach. I made all the mistakes, crying, begging, and reachng for counselling, wich started 1 month after. As time went by I saw poor improvement, but eventually found out she was having an affair with a much older man working on the institution where she sings in a choir(she's a professional singer), that started AFTER we started counselling (though her attraction for this man started BEFORE she came out with the "I don't love you anymore). I was devastated and in shock. She got really scared I would flee, and swore she was better than what she has done, and was sorry for all the pain, and all. This happened 1 year ago, and, since that time, we have been in a roller-coaster, with her becoming closer (never initiating sexual intimacy, though), and retiring and restraining herself from fighting for our marriage. All this time I tried to be the best friend, husband, father, and things were looking bright during these past vacations. I was reading some stuff here about plan A and all, and I was giving her space, trying to make her feel secure.
But as we started school yeear, and she started choir rehersals (thus going to the place where the OP works), she has grown further and further away.
Eventually, today we had a calm conversation, where she stated she liked me, but couldn't go on fightigh, and this is not a marriage.
Although feeling bad, I calmly accepted her request to end things. I told her I accepted but didn't agree. Nevertheless, I wished her all the best and so.

To be true, we had a similar (though not as nearly as severe as this) cas in our past. While I failed to meet her emotional needs, she seems to... need to much. And, some years ago, she got envolved with another person - another woman. We did our work and saved our marriage that time, and entered a time of real happyness, so much we decided to conceive a child. And until our daughter was around 2 years old, we lived in bliss. And then things went out of track, and she grew further apart. Well...

She's attending private therapy for more than a year, and has some issues on self-steem, although she is a very attractive woman. In fact, she's the kind of woman that makes you really turn your head, and she was flirted countlessly over the years.
But my heart is heavy, and I'm still quite shocked. Where do I go next? There's really no Plan B, as she was the one deciding to stop trying. Here in Portugal the law has changed, and you can get a divorce, by mutual consent, in about 3 months. Later in the week we're going to have a more practical talk about the house, splitting up the common goods, etc..

Although I initially agreed with both moving out and selling the house in the short term, I'm having second thoughts on this. Now there's no way any of us could support 2 households - the new and the present, and moving in with parents seems a huge step back. So, should I communicate I was planning on staying here, and she could move out as she was the one wanting to end things?

Any help is, of course, much appreciated.
Miguel

Miquel, have you exposed her affair? The most potent weapon you have against adultery is exposure. Exposure can have the effect of hastening the death of the affair and sometimes killing it immediately. Is the OM married? If so, his wife should be told of the affair.

Secondly, I would not move out of your home. If she wants to separate, let everyone know it is to pursue her affair and let her know that if she wants to separate, she can be the one to move. WITHOUT YOUR CHILD. I would not allow her to take the child from her home to accommodate her adultery.

In the meantime, I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and read through some of these links:

How to Survive Infidelity

Exposure

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

If she wants to move, fine, but WITHOUT her child! (she won't)

First, call everyone she knows - parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, best friends - and everyone HE knows, and tell them what's going on. Ask them to help you save your marriage by letting her know what they think about cheating. If it's no longer accepted, if she is shamed, she will stop.

Miguel,

""she started choir rehersals (thus going to the place where the OP works), she has grown further and further away.""

So the affair continues. You must break up the affair. The best way to break up the affair is by EXPOSURE. Is this old goat married? Where OP works, would he involved with a rehersee be frowned upon?

""Here in Portugal the law has changed, and you can get a divorce, by mutual consent, in about 3 months.""

We love Portugal, are you in Lisbon, Porto, Sintra??

You must FIGHT for your marriage and for the sake of your daughter. Your wife is not your wife currently. She will lie, give up family and friends for her fantasy.

You indicate MUTUAL CONSENT....well it takes you and she to be mutual, correct. So NO, you do not give your consent.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. If she moves out, NO FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE which actually is your financial help for her to continue the affair.

You throw up as many road blocks as possible to hinder her moving out and continuing the affair, while you are breaking it up.

If the OM works where she reherses, she must not reherse there anymore.

Lastly you said ""where she stated she liked me, but couldn't go on fightigh, and this is not a marriage.""

Why were you two fighting? This does not coincide with Plan A.
Read up on Plan A.

Stay strong for your daughter. Stand up for your marriage.

IMHO

kirk

Well, when I wrote "fighting" it was actually a poor choice of words, bad translation. I meant "struggling to mend things up".


Yes, the affair was exposed, not to everyone but to family and close friends. And it was exposed about 1 year ago. It wasn't exposed to her co-workers nor to acquaintances.
When it was exposed she was, of course, very distressed, not with me, but with the guilt and shame. She was on the brink of depression, mostly I believe from withdrawal, and also because of her poor self-esteem and shame.
She was, on the other hand, very disturbed when she acknowledge I also, given the shock, fury and all swirling emotions, exposed things from her(our) past life, like the fact she has had feelings for another woman (see original post), and the fact that, with her previous boyfriend, also about 20 years older, prior to their breakup she betrayed him with yet another much older guy, a married guy. And this latter information was given to me by her, in the early days of us dating, and I was the only person she ever disclosed it to.
So, in my shock, I revealed not only the fact about the other woman, but also this thing, of wich she felt very ashamed. To this extent, she felt I also betrayed her trust revealing that most intimate sin from when didn't even had any relation. And that feeling of unsecureness has never left her since, the inabillity to trust me once again.
First I was very upset about this - I mean, SHE was the one straying out of our marriage!! In time, I also understood her part.

She said to me a number of times one of her fears about we getting a divorce was her fear of me telling everyone we divorced because of her infidelity. But now I belive that fear is lost, as she was the one asking for the separation.

She didn't say she wants to move out; instead she said we must come to an agreement about the house and goods, her ideia beeing selling the house and both move on to new solutions. And the law over here (I'm in LISBON, by the way) now has removed the concept of "guilt" in divorce - HUGE mistake, if you ask me. I'm yet to seek legal counselling about this, and to see my odds of getting the house. The custody of minors is now joint by default.

So, for now, we're still co-habitants, simply, due to clever schedule mapping, avoiding each other. She sleeps in the living room, and I in the bedroom, and we haven't spoken or seen each other since our talk sunday night. But this is highly unsatisfying, I myself would very much prefer returning to an empty house, than this almost burlesque situation.

I don't have a doubt she is also, at least, emotionally tied up to this man, and the fact that she's working in the same building as the other guy must give her a rush anytime she drives up the alley to choir practive, just the possibility to get a glimpse, or a word, or whatever. She said she has NO plans of moving in with anybody (except her parents if needed), but to live alone. Take it with a grain of salt.

THE BIG THING IS: I myself fell more and more loosen. Of course I have feelings for my wife, and I grieve, but not as much as I had expected. Maybe it it REALLY time to move on. I can't imagine beeing able to trust her beeing mature enough to sustain a long-term relationship with me, this in the less-than-probable shot Plan B would work. As someone as stated before, Plan B is mainly a plan for us to disengage of our feelings about our spouses, and accepting they're not coming back. Maybe I'm on that road, now.

Thank you, any further help is most appreciated.
Miguel

So, she hasn't had an affair in all that time? It's just a matter of you not liking each other or something like that?

If that is the case, you can save your marriage.

Find the Love Buster questionnaire on the link to the right. Print it out and ask her to fill it out so you'll know what you did wrong (she ought to love that!).

Once you know what your LBs are, STOP doing them! Work on stopping those habits for a few weeks. You have to stop LBing her before you can get her to fall in love with you again.

Once you do that, come back, and we'll give you your next assignment!