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I think you're fine. He did choose to leave, and it is your scheduled day with DS... you're not preventing DS from calling, and if your X misses him... well, that's the natural consequence of his behavior.

I wouldn't do it all the time, but sometimes that interruption just isn't welcome. smile


Anna

BS: 30
WH: 37
Married 7 years, together 10
No children
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Anna, UGH that is OW name, you wouldnt do it all the time though...I was kinda thinking of doin it from now on cuz he calls all the time...Do you think it is wrong to do it all the time?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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You know what the thing is with me...and I know that maybe this is wrong but IDK...WH just calls DS all the time..so I am with DS having a good time then WH calls, which then puts WH in DS' mind and then occasionally DS will say "can I go out to dinner with WH" or something like that and I will always say yes, unless dinner is on the table...

OR WH will call before bedtime and DS' who wasnt even thinkin of WH will start crying and sayin he misses WH being home...its hard for me and I know that it is being selfish on my part...because some of it is that I feel WH wants to see DS in all his spare time and I usu wont deny that to DS if he ask and usu he will want to see WH more than me (and that hurts too). I feel WH should suffer the loss more...

SO its like I am not really denying DS access to WH but DS wont know all the times that WH tries to get in touch with him so am I denying that...Do ya know what I am TRYIN to say? I dont know if i am explaining it well....

I also feel WH has takin so much time away from me and DS because of HIS affair and moving out that it just doesnt seem fair to me...But I know that I should not the issue it should be DS...


I really just want to shut off the phone whenever it is my time with DS, and if DS wants to call WH of course I will let him...Last nite was so nice, because I turned the phone off and dinner and bedtime was nice and no crying...and DS never asked to call WH out of sight out of mind I guess....Maybe WH will feel the pain of his choices more if he realizes that DS can go a day without talking to him at all....so I dont know if that is a bad thing for me to do or not...

Last edited by stillhere8126; 11/23/09 09:15 AM. Reason: add a thought

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I'll tell you what I always tell my D19. Just tell the other person the truth. You will get so much more that way, than trying to find ways to achieve your goal without being honest.

Tell XH that you love that he wants to be so involved with son, but that you are still wounded, and the time that you are scheduled to be with DS fills your soul back up, and it really hurts to have it tangled up with phone calls from XH. So you are asking him to consider your feelings on this and NOT call when he knows that you and DS have plans.

Give him the benefit of the doubt that he will man up and do the right thing.

Of course, once you've done that, and he still persists, THEN you can have every right to turn the phone off. But you'll know you did the right thing first.

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Good advice, Cat. I will text WH the way you worded it and go from there...Thank you.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I understand your thoughts on WH interrupting your time with DS. My thoughts are to shut the ringer off except for a certain span of time when WH can call or DS can call him. Let WH knows what time he can call - if he misses it, he misses it. If DS doesn't ask - then DS doesn't call.

I don't think it is unreasonable to limit the contact when DS is with you. Some waywards do it on purpose and do not take into account how much it effects the children - and who has to actually deal with the children's emotions.

My WxH still calls my DD15, I feel excessively- and doesn't call my DD16 at all. I think he keeps his connection the family unit through DD15 and assauges his guilt by being so "active" in her life. KWIM?

It's okay to have time with your son that is uninterrupted. I would also be careful about letting him go to his dad's anytime he wants to. In theory, it sounds good of you to allow him that..... but it takes alot from you that you shouldn't have to give up.

As time goes on, he'll be running back and forth between houses so much that a schedule will be unrecognizable.

I dont' remember how old your son is, but usually a schedule is best for their own peace of mind.

Take care,
Fox

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I will make sure I tell him that I never will intercept if DS wants to call WH, cuz I dont know if WH knows that already..should I add that sometimes after talking to WH after he calls that DS is upset for a while, or dont even bother mentioning that?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by wildhorses74
I understand your thoughts on WH interrupting your time with DS. My thoughts are to shut the ringer off except for a certain span of time when WH can call or DS can call him. Let WH knows what time he can call - if he misses it, he misses it. If DS doesn't ask - then DS doesn't call.

I don't think it is unreasonable to limit the contact when DS is with you. Some waywards do it on purpose and do not take into account how much it effects the children - and who has to actually deal with the children's emotions.

My WxH still calls my DD15, I feel excessively- and doesn't call my DD16 at all. I think he keeps his connection the family unit through DD15 and assauges his guilt by being so "active" in her life. KWIM?

It's okay to have time with your son that is uninterrupted. I would also be careful about letting him go to his dad's anytime he wants to. In theory, it sounds good of you to allow him that..... but it takes alot from you that you shouldn't have to give up.

As time goes on, he'll be running back and forth between houses so much that a schedule will be unrecognizable.

I dont' remember how old your son is, but usually a schedule is best for their own peace of mind.

Take care,
Fox


Yes, I think that might be better, because then I can just tell WH "you can call betw 'this time' and 'this time' " no askin is involved so WH just has no choice... and then Ill let DS call him whenever he wants otherwise, I just cant
bring myslf to give DS times he can call his dad.

And yes that is exactly what is happening with the schedule...I am losing all my time with DS...If DS is bored with what I am doing with him or doesnt like what I tell him is gonna be for dinner or I tell him to clean his room...he calls his dad to pick him up, I mean he lives with me....I feel like I have to be entertaining DS constantly or thinking of better things to do than his father does with him....It just seems there is no downtime or boring time, DS always has to be entertained now...If I have to do some laundry or something DS says Ill call dad to pick me up.....

And I dont beleive life should be that way....sometimes its the boring times I think are important, like doing chores together...stuff like that...he should not always have to be entertained, I dont agree with that...he is 8, I tell him that he should read a book and he calls his father to pick him up.....I just dont know what to say to DS, without sounding like a child myself...so I just let him go with his father whenever he wants....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I don't know if I would mention that or not. I told my WxH that and he had a fit. He didn't believe it, thought I was saying things to make him feel guilty. Shows you what connection he really has with his daughter. How could he not understand how devastating this is?

He thought by staying in contact so much he was making it BETTER when all he was doing was reminding her that he was not there and was choosing to be with OW and her DS. All he would give her was a phone call while they had HIM.

If you think he would be receptive, tell him, it's an honest statement. Just don't have any expectations that he will take it to heart and understand.

Offer the same back to him, that you will only call during certain times so that you aren't interrupting his time.

Fox

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Yeah, My DS has even said stuff himself to WH and the WH texted me mad thinkin I in some way am rubbing my disease(depression) off on DS or told DS what to say...when in actuality how can they logically not think that the children do not feel their missing their father at bedtime or that their father is happy but DS is not...I would never torture DS in that way....

So I wont even mention it....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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You aren't a child for sticking to the schedule - your a mother. I agree that your son shouldn't have to be entertained all the time - they need to use their own imaginations and figure out what to do during the "boring" times.

Sometimes the "boring" times are the best times for bonding.

You don't have to explain to him why he can't always call to have his dad come pick him up. The answer is just no. You are his mom - you don't have to explain it to him.

Or just tell him that your time with him is important to you and you don't want to give up any of it.

I don't think it would be bad for DS to not be able to call his dad to come pick him up. This is YOUR time with him. Where he is taught life lessons by his mother. It's important for him to be around you, too.

Don't give up, Stillhere. Never give up.

Fox

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I dont even call DS when he is with his father, well maybe occasionally when I havent had my fair time with him....but I just feel that if he is upset when WH calls here, I dont want him to get upset when he is there with WH.....

But WH will occasionally text me and tell me that DS wants to come home because he misses me and if that was okay...of course it always is

.....so WH does give up his share of time, but that does not happen often....He just misses his dad more often, also the way the schedule is, cuz wh works a lot, he does not see WH as much as he is with me....but that was the same as when WH was home...moms usu see the kids more....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I dont even call DS when he is with his father, well maybe occasionally when I havent had my fair time with him....but I just feel that if he is upset when WH calls here, I dont want him to get upset when he is there with WH.....

But WH will occasionally text me and tell me that DS wants to come home because he misses me and if that was okay...of course it always is

It's a really hard place to be in, with no definate answers. Just do the best you can do - and be okay with that.


One thing that Mr. W told me one time that just hit me at the right moment.....

YOU MATTER.

It's okay to let yourself matter. Some of us have personalities that are so busy trying to please everyone around us that we forget that we need to be happy, too.

I've often given up my own happiness for someone else to have their's. You can only do that for so long.

YOU MATTER, TOO.

Fox

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Originally Posted by wildhorses74
You aren't a child for sticking to the schedule - your a mother. I agree that your son shouldn't have to be entertained all the time - they need to use their own imaginations and figure out what to do during the "boring" times.

Sometimes the "boring" times are the best times for bonding.

You don't have to explain to him why he can't always call to have his dad come pick him up. The answer is just no. You are his mom - you don't have to explain it to him.

Or just tell him that your time with him is important to you and you don't want to give up any of it.

I don't think it would be bad for DS to not be able to call his dad to come pick him up. This is YOUR time with him. Where he is taught life lessons by his mother. It's important for him to be around you, too.

Don't give up, Stillhere. Never give up.

Fox


Okay, you are right...and I am glad you are sayin this to me right now, cuz I can see now that I am kinda being walked all over by my DS...I just want him to be happy....

So you definitely think if I say, no you cannot have your dad pick you up, that that is okay, its not selfish on my part....I mean I do feel that me and WH are trying so hard to be his bestest parent right now, that DS is gettin really spoiled....But he is sooo happy and adjusting well right now that I dont know if I should $crew with that....but then again as he grows up it is probably not good for him to be so spoiled...am I so worried about his happiness now with all he is goin thru, that I am raising a spoiled adult....IDK I am sooo confused....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Yes, I am definitly one of "those" people. That is partly why my WH A went on for so long....I am definitly last on my totem pole of people to please and DS is #1, but IDK if it is in a good way....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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If my DS never wanted to be with me, I would cry my life away, but would accept it and not see him.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Posts: 11,245
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Sometimes the "boring" times are the best times for bonding.
I SO agree! If you find 'real' stuff to do with DS, instead of just fun stuff, guess what he's going to remember more? Guess what is going to mold him?

I did things like:

  • take the dog for walks
  • go for walks ourselves, and look for things like secret hiding holes in trees
  • put a blanket out on the grass, and lay there and cloud hunt
  • get a book and take turns reading to each other
  • let her pick out a recipe and we learn it from scratch
  • go through old magazines together
  • make picnics in the living room and watch a movie together


It's the simple things they'll remember, and the one-on-one intensity that they always crave.

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So you definitely think if I say, no you cannot have your dad pick you up, that that is okay, its not selfish on my part....
The most important thing kids need, aside from being loved, is security. They get security through consistency. I really would curtail the off and on schedule, if I were you. Those kids who live in two different homes can do so because they KNOW where and when they'll be.

Allowing your child that much authority over his schedule may seem great, but it's creating uncertainty in him; he may not even realize it, but it will add to his nervousness through the years.

Which is why I suggest talking this over with your XH, so you can set guidelines. He's a grownup; he can live with some structure.

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Right, thats how I feel....I always remember helping my mom with the laundry or helping her cook....I wasnt that excited about it when I was a kid but now I remember it fondly...maybe that would be more of a girl thing though...

And I do do that stuff with him, picnics, board games...and then he will say im bored can I call dad....I swear he used to love doin this stuff and IDK if its his age or that dad is sooo exciting now to win DS' love.....

But I do remember times I didnt want to help my mom do stuff or I thought it was boring and I never thought of it but you are right...I do remember the exciting stuff...but for some reason I feel more sentimental and look at that boring stuff much more fondly....Mmmmm, that is interesting...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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then he will say im bored can I call dad
No offense to you, of course, but this is a very dangerous path to take.

He is learning to jump from high to high to high. How will he ever learn to work hard to achieve something, if once it becomes boring or hard, he just jumps ship and finds somehting to give him an immediate high?

And it's working hard to achieve something that molds our self-esteem.

Last edited by catperson; 11/23/09 12:46 PM.
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