Me and my husband have been married for 4 years. We have lived with my mother-in-law until June of this year.
She is a compulsive gambler and has been in jail for almost 2 years in the past before I met my husband.
My husband was married before for 9 years until his ex-wife left him due to drugs and gambling.

My relationship with him has been good but our sex life was not good at all. It was always me who would request
affection and I started to feel more lonely and more lonely. He would spend Sundays gambling online with his mom while
I would find myself bored out of my mind and very lonely (my entire family is in South America). In 2007, he found me a flight attendant
job since I was not happy (with my current situation), I graduated from the program and started flying but I would come home
once a week for 3 or 4 days. I became pregnant and after I had the baby I was forced to quit my job because my mother-in-law (she is 73 now) could
not help taking care of the baby.

We were struggling financially and my husband would beg me to go find a job asap. I started waiting tables at night at a middle eastern restaurant and
I started an affair with a guy that works there. It went on for 7 months. I finally decided to tell my husband about the affair because I was afraid
he would find out for himself. My husband tried to fix the marriage by kicking his mom out of the house and me quitting my job at the restaurant but it didn't work because I am no longer in love with him.
We tried going to counseling but stopped because money is an issue.

My husband has threatened to kill the other guy so many times and he said it doesn't matter what happens to himself (like he does not mind going to jail). I even found a picture of my lover in my husband's computer titled "Mia's dead daddy". My husband is very controlling now and has hit me on many occasions. I am VERY VERY scared for me and my daughter.
I don't know what to do, my friend is telling me to call the police and report it but I am very afraid of the consequences. I don't love my husband anymore but
I am very scared to leave him. This has turned out to be a horrible nightmare. It is very hard for me to concentrate in school. I have started a Medical Assisting
program that will end in June of next year ( I am doing very well), during the day I stay at home taking care of my daughter. I just need a few words. I just get very scared when he starts saying that he is gonna kill somebody. I do not know what to do. I need help.

I'm imagining right now that no one believes you are a real person with this story, so no one has answered you. Your story is pretty unrealistic.

For the benefit of the doubt, why are you even with this cretin? If you are really a flight attendant, you can afford to live on your own and pay your OWN child care. Dump him and his crazy family. For your child's sake.

My story is real and I am here because I do not know what to do or how to act. I do not have a job because I had to quit my flight attendant job because my mother-in-law could not longer take care of my baby. I do a have a part-time job though and I make little money but not enough to survive on my own. Thanks, I need advice. I want to be able to fix my marriage for the sake of my daughter but I feel I do not love my husband anymore.

I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. You have a professional job as an airline attendant but can't afford a day care center? Why is that? Did you get fired?

I had to quit my job. I was based in DC and lived in Florida. I could not longer work there and be gone so much each week. My daughter needed me. That is why I quit.

Then just take your daughter, move to DC, get your job back, and put her in day care.

I cannot do that because I will have to go through flight attendant school all over again. I am already enrolled in school to be a medical assistant. I will be finished next June. In the meantime, I am taking care of my daughter while my husband works during the day and when he comes home from work, he takes over and I go to school from 6 to 11. The problem here is that I love my lover and he is willing to help me move out and help me financially, he supports me 100% but my husband DOES NOT WANT his daughter around the "mother F". My husband told me he will do everything in his power to take my daughter away from me if I run away with this guy.

Ok.

The point is, you must STOP ALL COMMUNICATION with any man other than your husband. What you are doing is WRONG.

Period. There is NO justification for having an affair.

If you don't want your husband, MOVE OUT AND DIVORCE HIM.

That is your only option here.

If you can't understand that, no one can help you.

I want to move out and divorce him eventually but for right now we will have to stay together until I finish school(6 or 7 months) and find me a job as a medical assistant. I just told him we could live as roommates and get along as such. He has a girlfriend now and tells me all about her and I still have some contact with my boyfriend. The point is I am afraid I will lose my daughter, and that would be the only reason I will want to stay married with him, I just do not want to lose my daughter.

You WILL lose your daughter if you have any more contact with another man while you are married. Your husband will use that against you in court, and you will be considered an unfit mother.

Stop ALL contact today. Period.

If you really loved your daughter, you would start saving away nickels and dimes every day, starting a savings account for it, researching online the cheapest safest apartment you can find, typing up your resume to include your new training, searching for jobs online, visiting potential employers ahead of time to tell them you'll be graduating in six months (to impress them), selling everything you don't need online or to a thrift shop and putting that money into your savings account, and shopping at thrift stores to change out your clothes to clothes you'll need for your new job.

Spend the 6 months on preparing for your new life with your daughter. Be smart about this, ok? If you see this other man even one more time, your husband can use it against you to take your daughter away.

Do you have any family near by, or even a close friend that you could stay with? The situation sound extremely dysfunctional and I imagine it would be very difficult to think and plan clearly in that situation.

As for finishing school, is that really something you need to worry about right now? It seems like it would be much better to finish up after all this drama is dealt with.

Who legally owns the house you share with your H? If your H knows you cheated on him and is cheating himself, why has he not seeked a separation or divorce himself? Does he fear he's going to lose the daughter because of his gambling addiction?

This really sounds messed up, and I 100% agree with Cat that you should seek the high ground. Perhaps you can try and setup a meeting with a lawyer to help give you a plan of action. I understand that you don't have money for one, but I would guess that some lawyers may take the case anyway.

Thanks so much for these words. I do love my daughter and I will do the best for her. I am already preparing to move out by the time I finish with school and find a job. I have stopped contact with my lover. I just want to be free from my husband. For the time being, we are just roommates in the house. Thanks so much for your words again. You really helped.

To DKD:

I am not American. I am from South America and all my family is in my country. I do have some friends at school that are willing to help me. The point is that the house is under both of our names. It is so much under water right now. We have asked for a mortgage reduction but they might not give it to us, we are waiting the answer from the bank, it seems like it takes forever. If I left right now, he would be left with all the bills that we are already struggling to pay. He tells me, it will be a total mess. he requested me to find a part time job to help with the bills but what is the point of working part time and make $200 a week and have to pay half of that for someone to take care of my daughter while I am at work? I guess I will have no choice than to wait until I am finished with school. In the meantime, I do not want to provoke his anger by moving out right now I want to do it on more less good terms. It might not happen but I think I should wait until time does its part and he becomes less angry. He is full of anger and I am full of guilt. It is killing us

Samira, do you even get that you have given your daughter a legacy of infidelity?

In all that happens in our marriages, our lives, we pass on to our children our choices.

No matter what you do, your daughter will come to understand as she grows up, that you ripped the heart out of your husband because you no longer felt love for him.

So she will do the same to her husband, boyfriends...because she'll constantly fear others not loving her anymore.

Afterall, you did that to her own father. And then he did it. Love won't mean anything to her precious little soul.

Unless you choose to really change yourself, own that you decimated the man who vowed to you, that you broke your vows to yourself, the marriage and your husband...that you chose to destroy your marriage and yourself...

you will repeat, repeat and repeat this life for you and your daughter with men who beat, abandon, mistreat and use you...

because you do that to them. Stop now...learn healthy boundaries, acting from respect, and OWNERSHIP of what you do...do this now as an act of love before you FEEL love of yourself...and your feelings will follow.

You stopped feeling love for your BH because you stopped acting from love. You created and mounted your resentment, into entitlement and lack of respect.

You did this...instead of addressing, from love, how your BH love-busted your love bank...and how you did so, daily, minute by minute, as you prepared to be an adulterer.

You don't control your BH's anger...he can hit you anytime, for any reason...just like you abused him with your infidelity...he couldn't stop you.

What YOU do in response is key. You remove yourself, call the authorities and do the right thing...no matter what. You predetermine YOUR actions first...make them progressive...so you stop escalating, walking in on eggshells (which is exceedingly disrespectful to your marriage), and choosing to believe you control that which you cannot (nor could you nor will you ever).

Stop lying to yourself, too...self-deception got you to commit the adultery...stopping that is the key to making a great life for yourself and your daughter. You lied above when you said you want to save your marriage...and then you focused on the fantasy of the OM, who is a SLIME to have an affair with a mother and wife...and you do not see it.

See it now...be really honest...if you want to save your marriage, keep your family intact and thriving...then make a plan and stick to it. You can't have that when you allow your BH to hit you and you do nothing. That's you tearing apart your family from the inside, much like the infidelity. Respect your BH...he chooses his actions...you cannot make him hit you, punish or disrespect you. He does that.

It's what you choose as your response that matters.

Take charge of yourself...there is public assistance for daycare...there are babysitting groups (mothers who get together)...creative ways to balance out your life...and your BH is right...it's been a mess since you decided to bring a third party into your marriage.

And now he has.

Why don't you tell him you don't want the mess, you want amends...that you want the marriage and here's your plan for it. Say how you're full of guilt, describe how you talked yourself through lies into having an affair...own what you did, why you did it, and how and why you won't do it again (with or without your hubby).

Then you will not be filled with guilt...you will have begun to make amends to yourself, acted honestly, and you'll see many ways to change your life, right now.

Ask him to get others out of your marriage, too...thank him for removing his own mother from your home...for making changes, because he did, though nothing he could have changed would have made you choose differently, back then.

Stop all your negativity...of your "I can'ts" and begin to state the truth. "I choose not to" is valid and real. Doesn't make you good or bad...your choices are yours. You chose not to return to being a flight attendant and it wasn't your MIL's fault. Your choice. Your H helped you make the choice.

Appreciate and own all that your H has done for you...putting you through schools...and you choose to use him to do so...for you...that he has acted from love, support and he has made huge mistakes as well.

If you set your goal to really recover from your infidelity, you guys could have a deep, abiding, intense relationship from unimaginable forgiveness, respect, consideration, understanding and love...

or you could stay in fantasy, going from man to man, while your daughter learns to react to her emotions, instead of act from her beliefs. And live in "no choice" land...and blame others...and live steeped in shame and blame.

Awful way to live, Samira. I remember.

LA

Thanks so much for these words. I do love my daughter and I will do the best for her. I am already preparing to move out by the time I finish with school and find a job. I have stopped contact with my lover. I just want to be free from my husband. For the time being, we are just roommates in the house. Thanks so much for your words again. You really helped.

This story is not true. No one uses a man to get thru school and all the while has another lover. Why not get the divorce if you are real? Stop using your husband for money. By the way, who takes care of the kids now? after you finish school and are done using the man are you going to leave him then?

Why am I posting with this troll...

This story looks very fishy. My alarms go off when I hear you say that the relationship was "good" but you wanted something more sexually and then went looking for it. And then again when I hear that counseling didn't work because you weren't in love with him.

I've seen this situation far too many times to not start reading between the lines when only getting only one side of the story. Maybe your husband really is the ogre you say (who knows?), but I also know the great lengths of distortion that almost always occurs when a cheating spouse starts trying to justify their actions. Your husband could be a saint and it's not only possible but likely that you'd make the same accusations--and that's because you need to justify your own sexual adventures.

There is NEVER a good reason to cheat on your spouse. Get a divorce, and then you're free to sleep whoever you want. You've already showed yourself to be dishonest in taking the course you've chosen. And now want to believed about everything else? You even admit that your problems started with your infidelity (before that your relationship was "good").

But now you're terrified of your husband? If you were so terrified, you wouldn't hang around for whatever financial support you're getting, especially when a child is involved. It sounds to me that despite whatever flaws your husband has, he tried to take tangible steps to save your marriage--like kicking his mom out. And now you complain that you had to quit your job because your mother-in-law can no longer take care of your baby? Why should the mother-in-law who got kicked out of the home after strife started over your infidelity do anything for you? How can you even complain about that?

It sounds to me like you expect these people who you are treating with monumental disrespect to take care of you while you seek "love" elsewhere and to use their support to get an education that will enable you to leave them behind. I feel sorry for you--that you're having a hard time, but you're clearly not someone who should be married.

WOW...call the police firstly to take care of your abbusive husband!

Do you have any place to stay for a while? I really think you have to stop this and leave your husband for good...but I have no idea where...

That's just not true. It's not true in Florida. It's JUST NOT TRUE.

Go talk to a lawyer. You don't have to tell your husband about it. Just get the facts. Isn't there a way to live in a separate place while you finish school? Contact a domestic abuse shelter if you are really afraid of him. Get a support order. You can go to the court house and get a restraining order without much difficulty. And with it can be a support order and they can remove him from the house. (of course, if there wasn't any domestic abuse, you won't get one).

Talk to people who really know. A lawyer and the domestic violence people at the courthouse. If you are in Broward county the process is almost automatic and takes about 4 hours. I know, I got one in September against my stbx. It's like an assembly line.

But if you are going to use him for housing and support while you finish schooling, then you are going to have to get along with him. That's the trade off. And it might mean you should stay away from the boyfriend for awhile--altho if your husband has a girlfriend, I don't see why he'd care any more.

If he ever hits you again, call the police.

Please do not think that because you had an affair your daughter will be taken away from you. That's just plain not true. And if you don't believe me call a lawyer for a free consultation right now or call the domestic abuse hotline. They'll put your mind at ease right off.

But you do sound confused and as if you aren't making good decisions. Maybe you can do with some personal counselling right now as well.

Good luck to you.