My WH has not sent a no contact letter to OP. He says that he has told her verbally that it is over (8 months ago) when he came back home. I know that he is not in contact with her because I have access to phone, computer, etc.
He says there is no point in stirring things up any more and he feels guilty for all the hurt he has caused all around. He says he loves me and his actions show me every day that he does. When I asked him if he felt guilty about the pain he caused her too he said yes. (he dumped her you see) He is definitely a people pleaser and can't stand for any one to be mad at him. Do you think that he could possibly still love her. Why would he not want to hurt her anymore? I'm scared.

me-BW 39
him-WH 42
DDay 11/08
EA 5yrs?
PA 1 1/2 yrs (same person)
3 kids

junebug, if there has been no contact for 8 months, it sounds like there is no need to send a letter now. Is she married and if so, did you tell her husband?

Do they EVER see each other at work or church?

So eight months ago he stopped the affair, agreed to no contact and now you are using MB principles to recover marriage? So has he had definite no contact for eight months or he only says he has? Have you actually been working on recovery for the past eight months?

I am just askin because I am just wondering why all of a sudden the NC letter is important to you now. Did you just find MB?...

Ohh, sorry didnt see ML's post so I asked some of the same stuff ...I am surprised you would think I would have noticed ML was here with that enormous(sic) head of hers, oh, I mean hair of hers not head....

My FWH didn't send a NC letter. We made the agreement that if, in the future, she were to contact him, then he would.

Are you verifying that NC remains in place? Doing your checking on cell records, email, etc? Verification is really important. Helped us during recover when I would check his cell phone in front of him...and tell him, "This is for me."

Transparency is really important...and my FWH says that it was helpful to him, to know I'd be checking, to help him get through withdrawal...so please do it.

My FWH says he figured out he was a pleaser, too. So I do understand.

She wasn't real, June. So no, he doesn't still love her...he never did...fantasies aren't real. You're his real wife, his true partner...please know that YOU must know and believe that. For he may miss gravely (withdrawal) the FEELINGS he got from the fantasy for so long (a really twisted coping skill), he has real feelings for you.

What new marital boundaries have you both formed to hold yourselves to? Extraordinary precautions? Exercises? What is your recovery plan? Your fear will lessen as more actions are taken to affair-proof your marriage.

LA

My FWH told the OW on the phone, at the request of her H. I was not there, but that was confirmed by OWH. I think the NC letter can be necessary to make things official between the two, and to serve the BS. After a period of time with NC, I think it is counter-productive and would be considered contact.

junebug, I think it's unlikely that your WH is "in love" with the OP. It may be more of a matter of having fond memories of her. You can't make those go away, of course. But time has a way of dimming things.

Can't believe you couldn't smell the AquaNet.

I was wondering what that smell was...

I just recently found MB. We went to a christian counselor during our 3 month separation and for 3 months after he came home. We moved to another town and haven't gone back to counseling yet. Things are really alot better between us. It just bothers me that he "cares" so much about hurting her. Yes the OW is married. My husband exposed to everyone himself (employer, me, extended family, friends) He left with the intentions of marrying her but then said he couldn't live with the guilt of walking out on us.

Does OW's H know?

I agree with Marital Bliss, that a NC letter might be couterproductive at this point...Hes with you Junebug, He loves you...Dont get caught up in the fact that he doesnt want to hurt OW...I know it hurts but for now just concentrate on your recovery....But you should continue to verify that there is no contact at all, AT ALL.....

Did you read any MB books yet?

Oh yes. On Dday she told him that she was in love with my husband and they separated too. They both planned on marrying apparently after they divorced. That's why I'm scared. If he loved her enough to leave us, lose his job, tell everyone himself of his plans then maybe he still has feelings for her.

Not necessarily. My FWH endangered his M, his job, his relations with his parents, his standing in the community (extremely 'moral' field of work, and he was looked up to by everyone as this 'embodiment' of morality) his relations with his co-workers...all of this for an ignorant, silly woman who had nothing in common with him, who used poor grammar (a pet peeve of his) who behaved like a trampy hillbilly (with apologies to my hillbilly peeps Oh, yeah, he told her he loved her, they were going to run off together, she was "in his soul" I'll stop there because my bile is rising, but you get my point.
On D-Day that all rolled away. I think the only thing they truly "love" is the reflection of themselves in the OP's foggy eyes.

Does the OW's husband know? And did you tell him yourself?

june, how do you know this? Did your H tell you this? Did you ever verify this independently of your H, directly with OWH?

My H's OW separated from her H. That was news to him when I asked about it, however, six months after hearing it both from my H and directly from her own mouth.

Did you follow up behind him and verify with each of these people that he did indeed do this?

In answer to above questions:
Yes I know that OW's husband knows because we conversed a few times during the separation. Yes everyone knew about the affair. It's a small town and my husband was relatively well known. His boss fired him 3 weeks after my husband revealed his plans to leave me and marry other woman. I guess you could say it was more his partner than boss because they were in business together and husband's partner said he didn't want to continue working with him because of his strong religious convictions. That's why FWH disclosed this to his partner. He expected his reaction and thought it was only fair to be up front with him.

BTW, forgot to mention that FWH didn't exactly ask OW to never contact him again. Just told her he couldn't continue the relationship. Now when I ask why he didn't tell her to never contact him he says he is tired of hurting people and doesn't want to add insult to injury. But assures me that he is committed to me for life. That he can't go through all of that again. (the devastation of the affair, hurting us etc)

I think he has been completely honest with me. He even admitted that he loved her and missed her. (Said this during the first few weeks back home.) Was very hard to hear as you can imagine.

Yes, Junebug, that is very hard to hear, I am sorry....You do need to continue to make sure that no contact is in place though...it is vital to the recovery of the marriage...

Well, junebug, you may have to content yourself with that. My H would probably have not spoken further with the OW had her H not requested that he do so in order to give her closure. H was completely done by then. He is also a people-pleaser. He said there was a point in December when it no longer was exciting and he knew he had to end this terrible thing he was doing, but he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, including hers. So he'd painted himself into a corner.
There may always be a place in your heart that will feel pain because of your H's infidelity. I hope your R will layer enough new memories and experiences over that so that it loses its sharpness.
Also, I think his continuing commitment to your M and his active work toward recovery will help you.