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Originally Posted by catperson
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So you definitely think if I say, no you cannot have your dad pick you up, that that is okay, its not selfish on my part....
The most important thing kids need, aside from being loved, is security. They get security through consistency. I really would curtail the off and on schedule, if I were you. Those kids who live in two different homes can do so because they KNOW where and when they'll be.

Allowing your child that much authority over his schedule may seem great, but it's creating uncertainty in him; he may not even realize it, but it will add to his nervousness through the years.

Which is why I suggest talking this over with your XH, so you can set guidelines. He's a grownup; he can live with some structure.


You guys really dont know how happy I am that you are saying this stuff right now... dance2 It just makes me feel not guilty about making him stay with me on my scheduled day....and I love to be with DS, bored and bratty or happy and dancing, Ill take my time with him any way i can.....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Originally Posted by catperson
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then he will say im bored can I call dad
No offense to you, of course, but this is a very dangerous path to take.

He is learning to jump from high to high to high. How will he ever learn to work hard to achieve something, if once it becomes boring or hard, he just jumps ship and finds somehting to give him an immediate high?

And it's working hard to achieve something that molds our self-esteem.

Yes, yes you are sooo right....i am making him happy in the short run but ruining his grown up life in the long run....I do feel that this is definitly happening and he is such a wonderful little boy, I dont want him to change into a deserving, self absorbed adult (MMMMph, like someone else I know).


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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If my DS never wanted to be with me, I would cry my life away, but would accept it and not see him.

If you ever did this, Still, I would twoxfour.

DS is a child and even if he said this, he wouldn't really know what it meant.

YOU need to be a constant - no matter what DS says or does. YOU set the tone.

DO NOT give him up.

Never give up, Still, NEVER GIVE UP!

YOU MATTER

I love cats list. It is the just "being" that kids remember. One of my favorite memories as a child was Sunday mornings. That was my mom's time to clean the house. She'd turn Don Williams on the stereo and clean the house as she sang along with it or talked on the phone with one of her sisters.

It was so "normal" and she was seemed happy. Her marriage to my dad was very rocky. Those Sunday mornings were a welcome respite to the fighting and frustrations of the week. I don't know where my dad was but Sunday mornings he was very seldom home. I remember HER - singing and laughing and living.

He needs your existance in his life. Don't take that from him by giving up your time.

He doesn't know that he needs it - but he absolutely does.

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Fox and Cat (omg that is funny), you both have helped me TREMENDOUSLY today...you will just never know how much this talk with you guys today has changed the way I feel about my importance in DS life...I mean I knew I was important but just not that important....

I really appreciate what you guys have done today for me and DS' relationship...things are gonna be a little different from now on...and I have always thought that those normal boring times were the most important.

Life is BORING, it is not full of excitement and maybe that is partly what is wrong with WS' they think it always has to have drama or excitement and I do not want my son to grow up thinking that.....I think you learn more about your family and yourself when you have those normal times together...

THese days just seem to have less and less of them with the video games and all the shows on tv and such....

I am just sooo glad to hear that from you guys too...sometimes I am so unsure of myself or the way that I feel about things, hearing it from someone else makes me feel more confident about myself in things...THANK YOU..


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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You are more than welcome, Still. I thank God for this forum - people here walked me through many a dark and unsure moment.

I'm glad to be able to pay it forward.

Do something for YOU today. Take a long shower, paint your nails, SMILE at your reflection in the mirror, play some funky music and dance like a fool.......

You ARE a good mom - I see you doing everything you can for your son.

The most important thing you can do for your son is to recover yourself.

Fox

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Hi Still. Here's a (((Still))). I also wanted to point out that your job is first to be a loving parent. You can't be his friend, especially as he gets older. It'll cause conflict. The most LOVING thing a parent can do for a child these days is to enforce boundaries. A child who is allowed to call the shots on what HE wants to do is a child who will have unrealistic expectations when he gets out into the world.

That little boy needs one parent who will make him accountable and who he can respect. His dad has already blown it, even though your son may not realize it yet. When he becomes a man and marries some day, he'll understand the betrayal and pain his father caused. He'll also understand the loving mother he had who didn't allow him to do whatever he pleased and cared enough to instill some important disciplines.

It's OKAY to say no to a child, no explanation necessary. The "no" is coming from the voice of security and authority in his life. He may pitch a hissy fit (hmm, sound familiar?) and declare that he hates you because you're so mean, but it's just a fit. Five minutes later, he'll be back to being that lovable child-- the tantrum forgotten.

Do your son a favor (and yourself) and set the rules of YOUR house. Oh, and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with taking YOUR phone off the hook for uninterrupted time with your son, even if you're both just looking at the walls. KWIM?

Don't let WH run over you and stop letting your son manipulate you with his whims. You're the mommy and it's your house.

(((Still))) - I see you getting stronger and conquering whatever challenges you face. You will survive and your son will grow up into a remarkable young man who protects his mother.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Yes I am getting stronger and a lot of it has to do with you guys, thank you.....I see a Phsychiatrist, phychologist and I swear I have run thru several of them and I never feel as confident or as strong for myself as I do after talkin on here....sometimes even the doctors dont get it, only people who have been through it do....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Okay so this was much easier than anticipated...when DS got home from school right away he started with the Im bored...so I said what would you like to do play a game, watch a movie...whatever.

SO he says IDK, im bored can I call dad....I said are you calling him to pick you up or just to say hi...DS says to come pick me up...I say "No, you can call him but not to pick you up"...

Well here is the weird part, DS just says "Okay" and I dont even give him an explanation(which to me I was waitin for the why all along..and it never came) and DS never calls WH...we watch a movie together and play a game, he helps me make dinner and now he is doin his homework. It was a really nice afternoon with no interruptions(sp)...no more mention of WH...

And WH has been callin all afternoon, but never texts me so I kept the ringer off and once in a while check for texts....if WH text me askin if he can spead to DS I will as DS if he wants to call him...but if DS says no, im just gonna text WH back that DS doesnt want to.....but I havent got a text yet so I probably wont...

UGGHHH! so easy that I should have done this all along...and on school nites this will make it so much easier not to have all the interruptions...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Now normally, he would have called his father, WH would have picked him up and dropped him off at bedtime....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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hurray

I'm so proud of you!

btw, regarding video games, internet, tv, phones, etc. ... I instituted a 30-minute rule in all cases. D19 could choose what she wanted, but she only got 30 minutes of 'fun' because she has obligations, just like everyone else.

I taught her that you handle your obligations first. If you accomplish them, you can reward yourself with games, etc. But the obligations always come first. Plus, if you put off your obligations (homework, chores, etc.) for fun first, your fun time is kind of screwed up because you know you'll be having to stop it eventually, to get your obligations done.

She was fine with that. She knew I was taking care of her.

In other words, set limits.

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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
Now normally, he would have called his father, WH would have picked him up and dropped him off at bedtime....
Wow. That just will NOT work when a child is in school! It makes me shudder to think of it!

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Yes, since WH left i am horrible at setting limits....esp with the bedtime thing...tonight we read a story and he is in bed and it is only 8 o'clock...and he didnt even really complain as much as I really thought he would....that was usu his bedtime at school time...lately it has been 930 or 1000pm...not watching tv but he loves to play with his legos by himself at nite...so I really never minded him stayin up late to do that....

But it was so easy to put him to bed at 8pm, now i just have to see how long it takes for him to fall asleep cuz he is not used to goin this early anymore....But anyway, I think the guilt of his father leaving has made me be very very lax with DS....and now talkin to you guys I do realize that, in the long run esp., it is not a good thing....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Listen to Meggy. She said exactly what I was going to tell you. I'm not one to give parental advice. I had one chance and blew it, but the thing that I can tell you is that you cannot be his friend. My DD has the problems that she has in part because the parenting thought of my day was to "be a friend to your child." Bullcrapola. I now know that was NOT what I should have done. If I had it to do over again, I would have been that parent from h3ll.

Discipline, discipline, discipline. DD has that now in the rehab, and I don't think she will ever be able to function without it. Seeing the way they handle the addicts at the house made me realize that they NEED it. Don't slack up on it just because his dad left or he will catch on to that and use it against you for the rest of his life. Get things under control now or you will be in for a ride when he is a teenager.





BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Thank you, Chai....but I hate to hear you say "you blew it"....Ahhhh, maybe you made some mistakes, we all do...you do not get a manual on how to raise you children....you did the best you could at the time and it was out of love...when it is out of love, i mean dont be so hard on yourself..

My thing is, truly, we all screw up our kids somehow...my parents screwed me up, ya know? Inlaws screwed my WH up... I mean no one is perfect and that counts in parenthood too....but I can never say my parents didnt love me, they screwed up yeah, but I know the love was there....and your DD knows you love her....

My parents were super super super strict...my mother didnt let me do anything and she wasnt shy about hitting....thats how she was raised....but me I said when I have kids I am never gonna hit them and I have a hard time sayin no.....esp after WH left, I want my DS to like me....

I dont know if kids are supposed to "like" you...I hated my mother....love her to death now, she owns up to her huge mistakes, I know she did the best she could with how she was raised...her dad died when she was 6 and she was the oldest of five so she was the mom to her siblings because her mom had to work.....she was a very controlling mother...

Well I kindof rambled but my point is, dont be so hard on yourself.....I hate to hear it esp. from you....you got a lot of love Chai and your DD can never say she wasnt loved.....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I think parenthood is the perfect example of the old "hindsight is 20/20." I mean Chai, your daughter could have turned out perfect and you would have been fine with the way you raised her....you just dont know in what way we inadvertantly screwed our kids up until they are older....and I think all teens are screwed up anyway....

And one time Supernanny said "the nicest parent have the worst behaved children." I need to keep reminding myself of that, but it is kindof screwy because ,stern and strict, that is not the way we want to act. Its not the way a lot of us are wired, but it seems to be the right way when it comes to raisin children....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Still...

I note that your signature says that you are in "Plan B", but then in reading your thread I hear you mention that WH texts YOU - Why is this? Where is your intermediary?

Next, I just wanted to reiterate the importance of a schedule for your DS...and to mention be careful with the "I just want him to be happy" stuff - Happiness is NOT the most important virtue, and I know you know that - what is MORE important is that your son is raised to be moral - raised to understand that life isn't "fun" 24/7...And this bit of him being able to call his dad to pick him up when he is told to do things that aren't "fun" - no way - I'm glad you are getting a handle on that, BECAUSE that is nothing more than ESCAPISM - which, as you know is EXACTLY what waywards do! Anytime you feel a pang of guilt about stuff like that sweetie, you just remind yourself that you are training your son to invest fully in his life - even the boring, mundane parts of it, because THAT is the BEST thing you could teach him...The lesson that ALL of his life is to be valued...even the "yucky" parts - the joy in life is much sweeter when ALL of it is experienced...Escapism is unhealthy and I know you don't want that for DS...

And Still, I'm sooooo sorry that you are having to go through this...It makes me sooooooooooooooo freakin' mad at waywards! Who don't seem to get or care how their selfish choices are impacting their children and everyone else around them...grrrrrrrr...[and it's not lost on me that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I"...ugh...]

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Still, thanks for the vote of confidence but I guess as parents we always blame ourselves. I do wish that I had been more strict though.

I agree with the others though. You can't allow him to call dad when he gets bored. He has to learn to get through those times. One problem with my DD was that she always wanted to be entertained. The drug use stems from "boredom." She is almost 28 and still has that mindset that she needs to be entertained. Work is a foreign word. Entertainment is the name of the game, which is why I believe she is going to have a hard time outside of the rehab.

Anyway, set some limits so that you don't run into too many problems when he is 13, 14 etc. I can almost guarantee that when things get tough you won't see much of WH. Waywards won't deal with problems, so it will be up to you.

(((Still))))) As Mrs. W said, feeling follow actions so do something with your life to make it meaningful. I know it is easier said than done when you have depression, and the A didn't help I know, but try to get out of the rut. We've all been there....


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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When my youngest DS has a bad day since our separation he hates me and my "routines" as he calls it grin - it's not fun all the time as being with daddy - but I can live with that - I can't raise my kids on fun alone.






BS:35(me)
WH:32
DS 12/8
OW1: 2004 EA/PA?
ILYBNILWY 4/09
OW2 2008/2009 EA/PA?
Separated: 06/14/09
D-Day: OW3 PA 06/20/09
Am I married to a Serial Cheater?
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Yeah, I do text wh and vice versa on stuff regarding DS...I have really just given up any hope for recovery of my M...So I am in a semi Plan B for my recovery not M recovery....and until I am ready for the D stuff or am forced to D by WH I guess I am just gonna stay here in limboland....

That is kindof why I really dont post on my thread unless it usu pertains to DS....I screwed up my Plan B by doin a semi plan B...I just couldnt keep my mouth shut about how much pain DS and I were in and I LB'd a lot...so I have kindof accepted that it is just too late for my M.

Last edited by stillhere8126; 11/24/09 04:07 PM. Reason: add a thought

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Quick thought on kids. There's a difference between being strict so that you maintain control - i.e., be the ruler - and being strict in a logical way. Logical strict is like 'you need 8 hours of sleep, so you WILL go to bed now.' Or 'if you don't do the homework, you'll repeat 2nd grade and all your friends will leave you behind, so no TV until those 2 pages are done.'

The kid may not like it, but it makes sense. They won't argue that stuff. Just like your son said ok and went to bed. Because he knows it makes sense.

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