Well, six days since D-Day. It certainly very tough. Last night she told me that she was unsure as to whether to even start marriage counseling, she thought it would be a waste of time, because she just does'nt have "those feelings" for me anymore and that she is not attracted to me. She says I have done too much and that she can't see ever getting them back. I just told her I was willing to go to marriage counseling, so let me know when you are ready. She is going to see a therapist today, maybe that will make a difference. She does plan on staying in therapy because she says she is so unhappy. All of this just makes me wonder if the marriage really can be saved. She has been very withdrawn and has been spending tons of time with the kids, something she has not done for months.

She is in withdrawal. I doubt that councilling will be any good right now.

Give her a couple of weeks before the situation stabilizes. Plan A will also begin to kick in at the same time. It won't yield any results right now.

Imagine,
Thanks for the advice. At this point after listening to her, it does appear bleak, but I will hang in there. Hopefully in a couple of weeks I will see something that indicates there is a chance for this to work. I have three step children that live with me, and they have all become dependent on me, it saddens me to think what will happen to them if we divorce. I would think that alone would want her to give marriage counseling a try.

Well, the WW just called, she got out of her counselor appointment. WW told me that she told the counselor her heart is just not in the marriage anymore and she does'nt know if she could do it. She said the counselor told her to ask that I give her some space, and told her not to make any decisions until she works her problems out. WW told me that the appointment really did not make her feel any better but she was going back next week.

This is an outright LIE.

EVERYTHING she tells you is going to be lies. That's what adulterers do.

If she "needs space" then she moves out and you cut off her finances, no free rides or affair enabling.

She is wanting to be a cake eater.

What she meant by give her space was not to constantly talk about the A. I backed off and left her alone Thrus, Friday and Sat. Instead I focused on working out, being with the kids and tryed to keep my head straight. For her part she did not go out with the destructive friends, instead Friday she took her daughter to an arts and craft show. All last week she put lots in the kids, who she has been neglecting. They all noticed and were happy. She was still standoffish to me until Saturday afternoon. I had just got back from running and was cleaning up. When I went to out bedroom she looked so sad. I asked what was wrong, and she just started crying, then she said she was amazed because it seemed like I was becoming a better person through all of this and she just could not understand it. Of course she said she did not deserve me, and I simpily responded that I am committed to this marriage. The crying went on for over 45 minutes where she mades statements about how badly she messed up, she is a horrible person, she said she was going to hell for committing adultry and could not understand why I had not left yet. She also said that she was scared that once she finished her IC, that she would not be able to fall in love with me, and that will only hurt me more. I listened to it all, then we went to our son's soccer game. After that, she asked me to dinner so I went and I think she had fun. Sunday monring she asked me to breakfast so I went and it went fine. She spent most of Sunday sleeping and crying. Sunday night she opened up again and talked to me for a large part of the night. This is all just so confusing, it certainly is a roller coaster ride. She still does not want to enter MC, because she feels it would be a waste of time right now, and she wants to work on IC first. She has expressed disbelif that I am willing to stay through this, and keeps claiming it shows what a good person I am and what a horrible person she is. I am still so scared, wondering if I am wasting my time staying by her. She insists that there has been NC between her and the OM for 10 days.

yp, give yourself some credit, ok? She loved you when she married you. She loved you when you had kids.

How many ways do we have to tell you that what she says right now IS A LIE?! She is lying to you, she is lying to herself. Because of the 'fog' - it is a chemically induced affectation in her brain that is so standard that people tried to tell you ahead of time what she would say. And she is!

They ALL say the exact same things! ALL OF THEM!

Do NOT listen to a word she says until she goes through withdrawal, ok?

This:
is that fog lifting from in front of her eyes, which made her look at you off kilter. Now that the mist is dissipating, she can see you again. It's like those allergy commercials on tv: it seems like you can see fine, but when they strip off that plastic 'allergy' coating, you can see the clear picture.

Question: Does she work?

Second question: Have you installed a keylogger on your computer to see if she's contacting him that way? Are you checking her other phone every night? Can you account for where she goes every day? Have you called the POS OM and told him to stay the h&ll away from your wife?

Catperson,

My wife's time and cell have been accounted for, she has not had contact with the OM that way. The only way she could have contact would be while she is at work. She will not go out of the house now without taking at least one of the kids with her, I think this is her way of policing herself. I did call the OM several times and left messages but he won't answer his phone. Trust me, more than once I have thought about going to his apartment to confront him, but I have not.

That's ok. As long as he knows that YOU know now. I highly doubt he'll EVER contact her now. She was just free sex. (sorry)

If you can, see if you can find a whole season of a show called Tool Academy and watch it with your wife. She'll see a whole new side to guys like that jerk. Who make it their life's goal to see how many girls they can score. It'll make you look all that much better.

Catperson,
Thanks I will look for the show. From the guys cell phone I was able to learn where he lives, his full name, that he had a bankruptcy, two federal tax leans and just a couple of years ago he went through evcition proceedings for non payment of rent, now he lives in the smallest apartment unit available in that complex, he is 42 (one year older than me) and nothing to show for it (I made sure my wife was aware this, when I told her, her face went white). He went to her originally under the pretense of booking a trip to Vegas, I doubt he ever could afford such a thing, and according to WW he never did book. He knew what he was doing and I know she was just free sex to him.

Guys,
Thanks for the posts. The last few days nothing has really happened. I believe there has been NC with the OM. WW has been staying away from the GF, but still talks to her occassionally (nothing like she was). Acutally the last few days it seemed like she was returning to her old self (flirting with me, joking, laughing, intimate etc) until yesterday when she had IC. Yesterday after the IC she felt bad and was put in a bad mood, I guess her C believes she has zero self worth. It basically shut her down and put her back into her depression, she made a comment that she just wants all of the pain to go away, then she started pointing out things I have done in the past (some that were total fiction), so I figure some of this must be because she is still in the fog (we are two weeks from D-Day today). My favorite statement she said during her crying was that she knew the A would not last and when it was over things would just go back to normal.. HA!
For the moment she still wants in the marriage (for example she is planning for Christmas), and wants to give IC a chance, however still does not want to go to MC yet until IC has taken effect. Wednesday, she did look at me and tell me she loves me (which shocked me), but have not heard that term since. I often wonder if the fog lifts for a moment and then decends again. I wonder if some of this is the Withdrawal after the A.

Fog does not just lifts as the darkness lifts in a room when the light switch is flipped.

NC with OM, going IC, staying with you are goods signs to a good recovery. Though be prepared for ups and downs and things to get better at a slow pace.

The road,
Thanks for the post. It is just hard to be patient, hard to listen to some of the stuff the WW speaks. From reading I realize lots of this is typical, just hard to put up with.

YP,

Your W is soooo typical of the thousands and thousands of WS that either post here or discussed by the BS's that post here. That is good news because that means that the MB approach has a high probability to succeed.

So what do WW do while in withdrawal.

1. They continue to believe the rewrite of marital history which they did to justify their affair.

2. They almost ALWAYS affair down. By that I mean the affair partner is almost always an inferior choice to the BS. Odd, but true.

3. They all fall out of love with the BS. By this I mean the feelings of love MUST be eliminated before they can justify the affair. The love is still there but it is well hidden under the rewrite of history and justifications. It will reemerge as time goes on. It can take months but it will happen gradually.

4. They fail to undestand that the love each of you promised to give throughout your marriage was NOT FEELINGS OF LOVE, but acts of love. You both need to understand that no one can guarantee that how they will feel at anytime during the marriage. what they can guarantee is how they will act, and love is an action not a feeling.

5. Your WW will come through this and then at around the 6 month mark YOU will really question your decision to remain in this marriage. You will start feeling anger as you realize the marriage can be saved and all of the emotions (pain, fear, frustration, anxiety, etc) will come flooding and drive anger. deal with it.

6. At one year or there abouts you will do this again as the anniversary of all of this comes up.

There is sooo much more to tell you, but knowing will just help you deal with it, it allow you to avoid this emotional rollercoaster. Just be happy that the pattern is being followed and that you can get through this.

I will caution about the IC. Most IC's just want to make their patient happy, they are not around to save marriages. YOu need to find a good Pro marriage counselor or better yet call the Harleys. Counseling will work once the A is over and it sounds as if it is.

I must stop, but please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning,
Thanks for the post, it does help. I think her IC might be decent. From what I am picking up she believes part of the WW problem is she has zero self worth. WW was in a marriage for almost 11 years (1st marriage) were she was emtionally, mentally and physically abused. Lots of the IC time has been spent on this. She has told my WW, not to even think about seperation for several months, not to go out, and the IC wants me to come into some of the sessions down the road to do MC (at least this is according to the WW). Frankly I do think her IC has a point, my WW lacked self confidence when we first met, and I thought she had gotten over the "zero self worth" over time, but this all seemed to change when she turned forty, it freaked her out.
I am still hanging in but boy is it tough, one day WW wants to be married, the next day she wonders if we would be better off D. One day she loves me the next day, she is unsure, and yes she has tried to rewrite the marriage history, some of it is quite crazy. My IC tells me this is all normal as the WW has to rewrite martial history to justify the A (just like you said). There are days where I want to throw in the towel, but even my IC has told me I need to stick out for a couple of months, and that she does think WW does not really want to leave.
Anyhow thanks again for the post.

YP,

I would recommend you "both" attend some MC togther. A few reasons.

You WW may be hearing what she wants to hear. Her interpretation of what is being said.

Also conselors can do as much damage as good. My FWW's counselor recommend my FWW D me and never tell me about her A. This is the same counselor that was seeing me IC, and the two of us together. It all boiled down to the councelors opinions and our money.

As you are aware, and have already seen you and your WW are going to run the spectrum of emotions. Love, Hate, Self Protect, put your spouses need before yours at the drop of a hat. She has gone from I can live without you and threatening suicide, to "ILYBNILWY", and I don't see you "That way" in just days.

There is no right or wrong answer. Just the one you feel is best. That decision is one to be made after the dust settles.

Just my .02

Coming about,

Thanks for the advice.
We went out of town for Thanksgiving so I have not checked the boards until today. It continues to be a Roller Coaster ride. Wednesday, at lunch I got the whole I just don't have feelings for you again. So I made a comment about how she said MC would be a waste of time, and she vehemently denied ever saying (granted she said it a week after D-Day), instead she said she wanted to go to MC. Everything was going okay until Friday, when I reviewed the cell phone bill and discovered she had one phone call to the OM two days after D-Day (so the call was 22 days ago). She admitted it, said he had actually called several times during those two days, but this one the one she finally took, she claims she told him it was over. At that point it set me off and I said I have had enough. She begged me to stay, and did the whole I will do anything. By Friday night I told her we could continue to work things out, but she said we needed to seperate that she was tired of the roller coaster ride. Saturday, she changed her mind to let's wait to seperate until Jan, after the holidays. Then she worked out what would be a fair settlement for a divorce. Since then, she has been very affectionate towoard me and wanting to spend time with me. We spent most of Saturday and Sunday together. Yesterday we cleaned our closets and she was having me try on clothes, this lead her to make comments about how much weight I had lost and how I was really looking good. She then went to leave the house to do some Christmas shopping and she leaves with giving me a kiss, hug and an "I love you" (about the thrid time she has made such a statement in two days, she basically stopped saying "I love you" altogether after D-Day except for a couple of instances). She realized what she said, so she went into a long explanation of how she tells her parents she loves them and that she thinks it should be okay to tell me she loves me. Later we had dinner together. Last night in bed I awoke twice, one time she was playing with my hair and another time rubbing my chest, she continues to be affectionate. So the whole time I sit here I think to myself these are not really actions of someone who really wants a divorce. Oh well this is my update, hoping one day things get better.

consider calling her bluff. I don't think she wants a divorce either but this constantly throwing out the S and D word, is her jockeying for position to smoke screen her fault in this. The next time she brings it up, tell her that you'll see a lawyer the next day to start proceedings. She only brings it up because it makes her feel like she had reasons to cheat (which she didn't, because there are no reasons). All this subterfuge on her part is just dragging reconciliation along. You need to get up in her grill a little and tell her that you love her, but you're tired of hearing the ILYBIANILWY song. Tell her if she is sure she feels this way, she needs to make to the move. Because constantly hearing that BS is effecting your own self esteem. Tell her "what man would take on the responsibility of a divorcee and three kids. Love her and them like they were his own, and then try to work through their mother cheating on him with a low life." Tell her that "I am a major catch and that any woman would be lucky to have me". Tell her not to confuse her self worth issues with your love for her or her love for you. She keeps sticking her toe in the waters of your marriage. Tell her its time to dive in or leave.

Some may believe what I suggest is a little harsh. But I do not think it is by any means unloving, quite the contrary.

ouchthathurt,
Trust me I would love to say that, it just seems to contradict Plan A. I mean I understand that seperation might be inevitable now.

I think you should be honest with her, about how her waffling makes you feel. You can Plan A and still show her that you have self-respect. She won't/can't respect (or love) you, if you make this all about kissing up to her to keep her.