Hello, I posted this over at MB101 and was told it needed to be moved over here.(rookie mistake)

I am trying to decide if it is time for me to stop fighting for my wife and just move on (I love my family) or stay and fight a little longer. I�m tired�. physically and emotionally drained.
This post may get long and may be posted in the wrong area, if so I apologize in advance. Here goes��
My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have a 12 year old daughter. For the most part it�s been a very good marriage. We have always enjoyed each others company and have never fought very much at all. Recently I received the dreaded �I love you but I am not in love with you� line. She then began to tell me of all the ways I have been slowly destroying our marriage over the years. Some of them, if I�m being honest I have to agree with, but others I just can�t see.
I�ve always had problems going to sleep at night. I worked 2nd and 3rd shifts for years and became accustom to sitting up all night long. Because of my erratic sleep patterns I have fallen asleep on the couch a lot during our marriage and came to bed either real late or not at all. We always had a good sex life despite of this but she has told me that this behavior made her feel like a cheap prostitute and is the #1 reason for her feelings. Honestly I can�t say that I blame her, all I can do is work to resolve the issue. At any rate it was not my intention to make her feel this way; I love and cherish my wife I just can�t seem to make her believe it.
We talked about the issues that were holding us back some months ago and right then I decided to affect changes in our marriage that would help us to become closer instead of growing farther apart.
I had always felt bad that I never bought my wife an engagement ring. So I decided this was the perfect time to do what I should have done years ago. We went on a weekend trip to the mountains here in North Georgia and had a wonderful time, a 2nd honeymoon so to speak. We renewed our love for each other and everything was great��.for 3 weeks.
While paying the cell phone bill which was unusually high I stumbled upon some things that just did not seem right, numerous text messages and calls to strange numbers that lasted sometimes for hours. It just hit me like a lightning bolt. This is why she walks around with her phone 24/7; this is why she is on facebook seemingly all the time. This is why she no longer is interested in the house that we just bought together and are in the middle of renovating. This is why she won�t have intimate contact with me. She is involved with someone if not physically at least emotionally. She is on the prowl.
I had all I could stand one night and let it all spill out. I accused her of having an affair. She denied it but said that she was through and it devastated her that I could even think such a thing. I�m sorry that I accused her but all the evidence albeit circumstantial evidence backs me up. She has owned up to the phone conversations but said basically that they were my fault. If I had been the kind of husband I needed to be there would have been no reason to look elsewhere. She�s probably right.
Even though we are still living together for now she has completely shut me out. I have to steal a kiss when I leave for work in the mornings. She only speaks if spoken to and to be honest she gives off a vibe that says, �I hate your guts�. I try to initiate conversation but only get yes or no replies.
I recently suggested counseling but she said she is not interested that I should just let her go. She is not to far away from me granting her wish. If not for our daughter I would probably just pack up and go. Maybe that what she needs, some time to get her head together. I am torn as to what to do. Leave and let the chips fall where they may or stay and fight what seems to be a loosing battle. Like I said before I love my wife and daughter dearly and it�s hard to imagine a life without them in it every single day but the time has come to make some tough decisions and any insight I can gain here on this forum my help to keep me from making a mistake of a lifetime.
In closing let me state that I am far from perfect. On a scale of 1 to 10� 10 being the perfect husband I�m probably a 5. But I�ve never been unfaithful and I�ve always tried to act in the best interest of my family. There are a lot of things I would do different given the chance. But it may truly be futile at this point to even try. I would do or try to do anything within my power to keep my family together. Thank you for listening.

Ummm, we are all far from perfect spouses so dont be so hard on yourself....She definitly sounds wayward though...typical signs are there...

Do you want to save your marriage, forget about what she says...do YOU want it? If you do then....

First you need to read, Surviving and affair by Dr Harley...you should be in plan A right now...have you read about any of the plans...

And please dont listen to anything she says to you right now about how horrible you are and it is all your fault....That is all typical talk of a WS....

I am sorry you are here. The vets will be by to help you. Meanwhile, please read up on Plan A and Plan B. I think you need to do more snooping and find out who this OM is, if he is married, etc. I believe she is in an EA at least, and the things she have been saying to you (blaming you) sounds wayward. You will need to do exposure, but do NOT warn her of what you are doing or planning to do, or she will go further underground and you will not be able to find out anything. You say she's on facebook a lot? Put a keylogger in your computer and find out what she's doing on there.

It probably will be slow here because of Thanksgiving, so read all you can here and hang in there.

Right cuz you do need to expose the affair to everyone when you find out the deets....start your research about this OP....

Try not to blow up at her again. If you feel like you can't control yourself anymore, leave the house. Go for a walk or a drive until you cool down. Just tell her you need some fresh air or something.

Try to avoid relationship talk. It will only drive her further away; you want to draw her back to you. The time for that will come later, after exposure.

Again, don't let her on what you are doing. Don't let her know about this website!! It will be your most important tool for saving your marriage. And keep posting here.

Thanks everyone, I will read about plans A & B. I will also post more info. I could have written a lot more in the first post but I was trying to hit the highlights. In fact I could write a novel. But I will try not to bore you to much. Thanks again.

If you are at all interested in being a part of your daughter's life, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Period. End of story.

You've gotten some other good advice. Begin your Plan A by meeting her Emotional Needs and refraining from all Love Busters. You must snoop to find out her level of involvement with the Other Man, otherwise you will buy into the lies and rewriting of your marital history she's feeding you right now.

I just want to reiterate something here, though: you are both responsible 50% for the condition of the marriage prior to the start of her affair. OK, you should own that as part of your attempt to win your wife back. Don't take 100% of the responsibility, and it is her decision to have an affair. She owns that complete. If she tries to tell you it's your fault that she's looking for men in other places, that's called "gaslighting" and is a technique of LYING to try to get you off her back about carrying on these nasty online or possibly in-person affairs.

The thing killing your marriage right now is the affair, not your neglect of your marriage prior to the affair. You can fix the problems caused by your mutual neglect together after the affair's over. Your marriage will not survive a never-ending, active affair, though.

There is a LOT for you to learn here. It's easy to get lost at first, especially when you're in crisis. I'd say the main things you need to keep in mind right now are:

1) No Relationship Talk!!
2) Snoop but don't confront her before consulting the folks here and DO NOT reveal your sources.
3) Read Plan A and get started on it NOW
4) Find out all you can about OP (the other person) so you can expose...but expose with guidance from the good folks here.

Yes you also need to get and read "Surviving an Affair" but the four points above need to be burned into your brain and your every action right now.

Notes on Exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

I don't know if it's normal but it's like I've got an angel on my right shoulder and the devil on the left. I have so much love for my wife and 90% of the time I sit around thinking of ways to make our lives better and get through this. The other 10% I feel rejected and betrayed and I say to myself�. This is what she chose let her have it. I just don�t know. Like we say here in the South, It�ll all come out in the wash.

Harley on Exposure:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

Completely normal....we will help you thru it all...

In Mel's absence, I have to tell you. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. Men very often make the classic mistake of leaving their homes to give their wives some space because their wives are giving them the wayward spiel. Don't be bullied out of your home. If you want to fight for your M, then the worst thing you could do would be to leave.

From what you say, it does seem that your W may be involved in an A. You should have some evidence from the phone bill about numbers she was ringing/texting. Find out who she has been in contact with. The thing you need to do now is snoop, snoop, snoop. Gather as much information as you can in preparation for exposure of the possible A. Of course, it is possible that there isn't an A, and if that's the case, the snooping will have served its purpose in confirming the situation.

There are some great threads her with lots of information to help you. Type in snooping in the search function on this site and you'll get loads of great information.

Read as much as you can here about Plan A and work on being the best H you can be for now. Make the time you spend together as happy and stress free as possible. If you can, cut out the deep relationship talks. Your W, if involved in an A or on the slippery slope to one, is not in the place yet for you to be having these discussions and they will be a huge turn off for her.

Find out as much as you can, and let us know what you find and the good people here can help you through.

Your M can be fixed. The two of you can be happy together again but you need to know exactly what you're up against first so get snooping.

Good luck

All very normal feelings.

Under NO circumstance should you move out of the home.

Do not allow her to blame the entire state of your M on you. You each share equal responsibility for it. HOWEVER, she is 100% responsible for the affair she is having.

You need to snoop and find out who this guy is that she is talking to. You need to find out if he's M, and where he lives.

You will need this info when you expose.

Do NOT tell your W about this place!

Here's a to Do and DON'T list to help you out w/ Plan A...

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

And I just want to add...dont expect to get any of your needs met and you will probably keep hearing how hopeless it is, how she just doesnt love you anymore..stuff like that IGNORE, it is just wayward spouse talk..just let it all roll of your back right now and smile...that is part of Plan A.

Let me add to the chorus of those saying DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!!

Not only will this make you look weak in the eyes of your WW, it will leave the door wide open (literally) for her to move her boyfriend into the house in your place. Even if he doesn't move in, he's free to come over and have sex with your WW in your bed at anytime. And if you think your WW would not do something like that - well, you will find plenty of men right here who thought the same thing and were dead wrong.

In addition, you could have serious legal problems if you leave the marital home. It is seen as abandonment in many states and you will have a terrible time with getting your property, seeing the kids, etc.

Again - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. If the WW needs "space", SHE can move out. Do not help her in any way to move, but make sure she understands you are staying in your own home.
Mulan

I think you need to do a bit more snooping. Do you know who the OM is, for example?

Once you know who the OM is, and whether or not he's M'd, you can plan an execute the exposure more effectively.

Do not move out of your house.

Expose WW parents and siblings.

Keylogger on your computer to gather evidence.

Hide a Digital VAR in the house and her car.

GPS her car.

As soon as you find out who OM is expose OMW.

FYI: "VAR" == "Voice-Activated Recorder". It's how I caught my spouse: I put voice-activated recorders in all her common "chat on the phone" spots around the house. I never needed to put one in her vehicle, but all spouses vary, and if they think you're on to them you can count on them trying to move their communications "underground": think pay-phones, pay-as-you-go-phones, new secret email accounts, going to the library to chat on the Internet, etc.